The Secret of Truth
by HaydeeMB
Summary: Taken as a young child, Edward Masen has been through hell and left with nothing. Will he let his new family in to help him rebuild? Can he accept what fate has given him and find comfort in something he thinks is wrong? ExEM, AH/Slash
1. Chapter 1

AN- Here's the first chapter of The Secret of Truth. It starts in Carlisle's point of view, but it will mostly be in Edward's. When I started writing this story, I didn't post because it makes me really uncomfortable to have part of it out there when I haven't finished the rest….but now I see that its way more fun like this. And hopefully I'll be more motivated this way. So I have about 30,000 words so far and I'll post as I edit and keep writing.

Also, this story has very little to do with Bella. Sorry if you're into her and Edward, that's not what this is about. Edward's more interested in somebody else ;)

Enjoy, let me know what you think.

Disclaimer- Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight.

CPOV

Sunday, November 14th

"Thank you for making the drive on such short notice, Dr. Cullen," the man said as he shook my hand. He turned to my wife, addressing her as well before leading us further down the hall. "I understand you don't know much, I'd like to get you caught up privately. The staff has secured a conference room for us to use."

Esme and I had received a call last night, the unexpected number that showed up on my phone had confused me. It had been several years since we had been in contact with the foster care system in Seattle, as both of our children were now officially adopted. I answered with some trepidation, and the person on the line did in fact shock me.

Now we were being ushered down a Seattle hospital hall, the man in front of me, Mr. Johnson, has told us essentially nothing, except that he wanted to see about an emergency foster care placement. He had refused further explanation over the phone, only said that it was a time sensitive matter and he simply wanted us to hear him out. After all he had done for my family, we had no choice but to make the trip up to Seattle.

Once seated at the end of the large table, I got a good look at the man. He seemed stressed, which wasn't unusual given his profession, however I hadn't remembered him letting the job take such a toll on him personally before.

"We've been dealing with a bit of a shock here since yesterday morning. Before I start I want to assure you that we understand if you feel unable to help in this situation. This is an unusual case and it does nobody any good to force a placement like this. However, as you can see, we're in a hospital, not a group home. I'm afraid that's not an option in this case and your success and….home situation, caused me to think of your family. I believe this would be the best fit for all right now, even if just in the short term." The suspense was taking its toll on Esme, I could see her shift and fidget. She was agitated, and I was getting frustrated. This man was rambling.

"I'm sorry, what could be such an emergency? Is the child injured? Do they need medical assistance?" I asked, not understanding what our _home situation _had to do with anything. Maybe he wanted a doctor to watch after the child.

"No, no, it's not like that. To be honest, right now we're fighting a battle with the press. Getting the boy out of the city is important, and your property would help in keeping unwanted eyes away…" I was lost now. I started to shake my head. Mr. Johnson held up a hand. "I'm sorry. I'll start over." He took a glance at my wife, gulped in some air, and started his real story.

"Early yesterday morning, the police recovered a missing child. Well, he's not so much a child anymore. He's 16. He was previously believed to be dead. His parents were killed in 2002. The killer was never caught, and the boy, then 8 years old, was never seen again. Until yesterday." I'm sure the shock on my face explained my feelings adequately, but Esme's gasp probably did too. "His name is Edward Masen. It appears he has been held captive by the man that killed his parents, in a house east of the city. He turned up at a neighbor's house, injured and yelling for her to call 911. He told her his name, before collapsing. His captor was found in his home, knocked out on the floor. He's in custody, but as you can imagine, it has caused quite the stir in the community.

"Edward hasn't said much, he didn't want any treatment at first, but we've convinced him to at least cooperate for observation purposes. He didn't want to stay put, but he's calmed down quite a bit. It's apparent to his doctor and the psychiatrist who have seen him that he has suffered from physical and emotional abuse, and although he wouldn't let anyone examine him, they suspect sexual abuse as well. As you can image, I can't exactly just put him in the system like any other kid. He has been isolated from the world for half of his life and will need extensive therapy to get him reintroduced to society. There are plenty of people who would want to take advantage of him, and I wanted to place him with people he could become comfortable with, in order to have even a chance at healing. If we are not able to place him with a family, he will end up in a hospital for the foreseeable future. If the boy's parents were still with us it would be a different story, a hospital would be the right place for a while, however our team has come to the conclusion that essentially isolating him from a family experience will only cause more harm.

"I understand that this is a lot to take in, and I will give you some time to think it through. Do you have questions for me at this moment?"

Esme, who had grabbed my hand about half-way through his speech, slowly turned to look at me. Her eyes held shock, fear, and sadness. I didn't know what she would want to do about this, but we would discuss it. I did have a few questions first though.

"He doesn't have any family? Surely he would feel more comfortable with someone he knows…"

"There is nobody. His only family, other than his parents, was a grandmother in Illinois, unfortunately, she has passed since the kidnapping. His parents were only children, and there are no other relations we can find."

"How is he physically? You said he was abused, and that he collapsed," I prompted. His physical state would have no effect on our decision, but I found myself caring for this boy already. I didn't want him to be in pain after everything else.

"He seems to be doing better. He's thin for his height and age, we'll watch out for signs of vitamin deficiencies and malnourishment but unfortunately the only test he would allow us to do was a CAT scan. He has plenty of visible healed scars, he was obviously hurt in the past, but nothing too recent. Signs of past head trauma are present, but the only things we're really worried about currently are a concussion and dehydration. Both are being treated, he's expected to be just fine in a few days." I nodded, understanding. I would have expected nothing better from such a situation, although still heartbreaking that this young boy had gone through such long term abuses.

This time Esme had a question. "And what about mentally? How is he coping with all of this? The poor boy must be terrified…"

"His mental state is obviously our biggest concern right now, yes. Like I said, he's not talking much. He has told the doctor a bit about what he remembers from before, he remembers what happened to his parents, and although he hasn't talked about what happened in that house, he says he remembers everything. He doesn't seem to be developmentally behind, although it's clear he hasn't been around people in years. He was 8 when he was taken, so depending on the interaction he had with his captor, and the progress he makes now, it is completely possible that he recovers from this. Right now what he needs most is a place he can feel safe and process what has happened, while being introduced to a world that isn't out to get him," he said, a bit quieter and sadder than before. "Only time will tell how well he can cope with all of this." I nodded, agreeing. I looked at Esme, wondering if she was done with her questions. She seemed satisfied, so I asked my last one.

"Does he know that we are here? What does he think will happen to him?"

"He hasn't asked, and I did not want to get his hopes up. I have assured him he will be safe and well taken care of from now on, but didn't want to give him many details about the process. I'm sure you can understand, I didn't want to scare him or worry him. I will only tell him about you if you agree to take him home with you."

"Okay. I'm glad you called us, and thank you for taking the time to speak with us. I think my wife and I need to talk this over and talk to our other children before making a decision. This was a bit of a surprise, we weren't really prepared for it," I explained to the man. I had all but made up my mind on this matter, but I would not make a decision without knowing what Esme thought about it or discussing the matter with Alice and Emmett.

Mr. Johnson nodded, gave us a smile, and said he would be waiting outside when we had a decision.

We were silent for a moment, both thinking through the situation. For me, this matter came down two possibilities. We could turn and walk away, never tell our children what could have happened today, and our lives could not be changed at all, whether it be for better or worse. Or we could take a gamble. We could take in a third child, one who would no doubt struggle and be much needier than our first two. One who would likely be lost and broken and need months and years of help just to feel safe. One who could either cause wreckage in our family, or could inspire more love and happiness. If Esme and I were the only ones in the picture, that would be the choice we had, to take the gamble or play it safe.

But, although we hadn't even seen the boy, I knew he was close by, and he needed somebody to take care of him. He had nobody, and no realistic way of helping himself. If somebody didn't come through for him now, who knew if he would ever make it anywhere.

"This is crazy….yesterday I was worried about Emmett's speeding ticket and Alice was upset about that boy, and now look! We could have another child. Just like that…." Esme said. She sounded a bit dazed, and I worried that she and I weren't on the same page with this.

"We don't have to do this you know, we could walk away. He would never know anything about us." I tried to keep the disappointment out of my voice, but it was hard.

"You don't want to?"

"I didn't say that. I think we could do this. But it's hard to imagine what would happen to him…"

"Carlisle? I want him. I don't know why, it's crazy. But I don't think I can leave knowing he is alone." The smile on my face was hard to stop. But we had to think about this. We couldn't just leap.

"I am inclined to agree, but this won't be like Emmett. He will probably test us a lot more than we know. Just because our other children worked out so well doesn't mean Edward will be the same way…"

"I know that, but if we don't help him, who will? And besides, I don't think I want anyone else helping him. I don't…trust anybody else with him."

"So we're going to do this?" I asked, hesitantly.

"Should we call the kids?"

"You don't think they would be set against this do you?" I asked.

"No, of course not. I know Alice will be thrilled, and Emmett will want to help. I know neither of them will object. But we had better ask them just so they aren't upset we made the decision without them."

As we expected, neither of our children had problems with our plan. Alice was very excited and completely open to the idea of a new brother. She wanted to know all about him already and was disappointed to know that we hadn't even met him yet. Emmett was a little bit more reserved, but still accepting. We promised to call and tell them more when we knew more ourselves.

Over the next few hours, we talked to the police chief from the town he was found in, our lawyer, and Mr. Johnson and surprisingly quickly, we got all the paperwork ready to go for us to take temporary guardianship over Edward Masen. Once the papers were faxed over, we got the go ahead from Mr. Johnson to be able to speak with his doctors and meet Edward.

We met the doctor that had been treating him in a family room on Edward's floor. He filled us in on the state of Edward's physical condition, which wasn't much of anything to worry about, compared to his mental state.

"He does have a concussion, and there are signs of other previous head wounds. With the CAT scan we did yesterday, we're not worried as it's not that severe of an injury this time, just some bruising and I'm sure he'll have some headaches. He's dehydrated, but we're giving him fluids so again, he should be fine. As for the healed injuries, he has quite a few cuts on his arms that I could see, all healed, and also I suspect his collar bone has been broken and not healed correctly. He wouldn't let me do a thorough exam, however he doesn't seem to be in much physical pain. The only think he would let me treat was his concussion, and I think that was because it was giving him a good deal of discomfort. We didn't want to force any exam on him, but as his guardians, if you would insist, we can sedate him."

"No, I don't think that's a good idea either. I want him examined obviously, but if he says no, we need to respect that at this point. Unless he is in serious danger or in pain, I think it's more important that he trust us now. Perhaps we can convince him. Can we see him now?" I asked, eager to meet our new family member.

"I believe his other doctor wants to speak with you first, but I can check if they're ready. Just wait here and I'll see what the situation is." He got up and left, leaving me somewhat reassured with his physical condition, but concerned that he refused treatment.

Soon a woman entered whom we had not met yet. I stood to greet her and she introduced herself as a physiatrist for the hospital. She had been the one speaking with Edward.

"Edward isn't saying much right now, which is somewhat expected. He's got a lot to take in, he probably doesn't know what to do with all the excitement. I'm fairly confident that even though he isn't responding, he is listening to me and that's a good sign. This case, although unusual for sure, is not unique. The difference between Edward's situation and other children recovered after long periods is that they usually have a family or other support base when they get back. It's vital that because he doesn't have that automatically, he understands that he is safe and has a home with you. It's expected that he's anxious about where he goes from here, but hopefully we can put some of his fears to rest today.

"I've got to ask, are you aware of the press situation?"

"Well, not really. His case worker mentioned it being a problem, but we haven't seen anybody," Esme answered her. I too, was wondering where the _press situation_ was. Understandably, the public was bound to be interested in such a case, but to be frank, it wasn't any of their business right now.

"Yes, the hospital is trying to keep them at bay while Edward is here, however there is a lot of interest in him and I'm afraid it will need to be dealt with. It might be better to take matters into your own hands before it's too late." I nodded, understanding.

"I don't want Edward to have to deal with them, surely you don't mean having him-"

"No, Mrs. Cullen, of course not. He should not feel pressured to speak to anybody about his situation until he is ready. I merely mean that the two of you may want to release what you want on you own terms, in a controlled way, before you are bombarded with reporters. There is a PR person for the hospital who I'm sure could help you if you choose," she reassured us. I thought this was a good plan. I didn't want Edward to be questioned, and if I could prevent it from coming to that, I would.

"In the meantime, I think it's time that he meets the people he's going to live with, don't you?" I smiled at Esme and took her hand, standing up and preparing myself for this. "I'm going to go in with you, just so he sees a familiar face. As soon as I think he's okay with you, I'll leave you to it. Just remember, right now it's important that he knows this wasn't his fault and he is safe now. He needs to be comfortable. Talk about what he wants to, don't force anything. Ready?"

The suspense was killing me, and I was ready for this. It was amazing how much life had changed in just the few hours since we had stepped foot in this building. We could have never guessed that this would be happening even yesterday. I hoped we were doing the right thing, for us and for him.

As we approached the door, I braced myself for any direction this first encounter could go. We would remember this moment for the rest of our lives. I remembered the first minutes with both Alice and Emmett so clearly, hopefully this would go just as well. With a final deep breath, we entered his room. I had put a small smile on my face, trying to look welcoming and reassuring. I had no idea if it was working or not.

The boy lying in the bed was thin and pale. He did not look healthy, no matter what his doctor had told me. He had on a hospital gown, which all but fell off his shoulders. A thin paper mask covered his nose and mouth. His hair was short, and a red-brown color. His eyes were not looking at us, but at the far wall. I could see green, but that's not what got my attention. She dark bruise peeking out of his mask on one side of his face, including his left eye, looked pretty bad. He should have some ice for it. I couldn't see any other obvious signs of injury, but his arms were twisted in his blankets. He seemed cold. He was sitting up, but seemed far from relaxed. He was stiff and unmoving.

"Hi, Edward. I have some people here to meet you." Edward blinked and looked up at her, not saying anything but clearly paying attention. He looked over at us too, watching us. We walked in closer to him, but the doctor stopped a few feet from him, I assumed not to intimidate him. "This is Carlisle and Esme Cullen. They're going to take you home, when you're ready. They're your foster parents. They live in a small town a few hours from here, you'll be very safe there. Carlisle's a doctor, but Esme will be able to work from home so she can be close by."

I put an arm around Esme and pulled her to my side. She spoke first. "Hello, Edward, it's nice to meet you," she told him with a little smile. I looked at Edward, who had directed his gaze towards us again. He didn't talk, but it was clear that he was looking us over. We waited for him to say something, and when it was clear that he was not going to, his doctor spoke instead.

"Alright, Edward, I'm going to leave you to talk. If you need anything, you know how to find me. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Have a good night, Dr. and Mrs. Cullen," she said with a smile, leaving us alone.

"It's good to meet you, Edward. Your doctor said you're doing fine, but are you feeling okay? Your head doesn't hurt too bad?" I asked him.

Edward only shrugged, looking away from us again and scrunching up his eyebrows. I looked around, before spotting a rolling stool and a chair. I grabbed the chair for Esme, before sitting on the stool myself. I thought we would appear less intimidating from the same level as Edward.

After a somewhat awkward silence, Esme spoke up again. "So, the doctor says that you'll be discharged in a few days, probably Tuesday, and then we can take you home. We live outside a town called Forks. We have two other kids, Emmett and Alice. They'll be thrilled to have you there too. Emmett's about a year older than you, but Alice is your age…." She continued to tell him about our lives for a few minutes. I hoped that the more she talked, maybe it would open him up a little, but when she had run out of general things to say, Edward didn't respond. She looked at me and gave me a weak little smile, but I didn't know what to say either.

"It's getting late, have you eaten dinner yet, Edward?" she asked. He looked up at her, a little warily, and then shook his head twice. "Carlisle, why don't you go out and find us some food, I'm sure nobody wants to eat hospital food. Would you mind?"

"Of course not, anything in particular you want, Edward?" He gave a faint, humorless scoff, but said nothing. With a good portion of his face blocked from view, it was hard to get a good hold on what that meant. I looked at my wife, wondering what to do.

"That's ok, why don't you just grab the first thing that looks good. I'm sure everything will be fine."


	2. Chapter 2

**EPOV**

Saturday, November 13th

Hours after I was brought into my room, I still wasn't left alone. Doctors and nurses and social workers and police officers kept coming in and out, in and out. My head hurt. Everybody was telling me different things, I didn't know what to think and I couldn't focus on anything. I just wanted to sleep. There was too much going on.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, a nurse came in and gave me medicine and told me to try and sleep. I wanted to sleep, but I didn't want the medicine. I didn't say anything. She turned my light off and shut the door. Hopefully she would be the last one I saw. As much as my brain was warning me not to, my body wanted to shut down and sleep. The police had assured me I was safe, but I knew better. I would never feel safe again. It was better that way anyway. I slept sitting up in my bed. I squished up the pillows to a comfortable position on the side so my bruised face wasn't pressing on them.

Sunday, November 14th

When I woke up, I assumed it was early morning. There was light coming in from both the closed blinds and the bottom of the door, but it was fairly quiet. I wasn't tired though. I had rested better than I had in years. Someone had put my bed down while I slept and the fact that I didn't wake up during this shot a shiver down my spine.

I wasn't sure what to do now. Was I supposed to get up? Or did they want me to stay put? A feeling of dread washed over me. I felt nauseous.

I was wide awake, but didn't want to move. I curled my legs up towards me and pulled the blanket and sheet tight across my body. It was cold. I was tired of being cold.

A little while later, another woman came in. She knocked, but I didn't answer and she came in anyway.

"Good morning Edward, how are you feeling today?" she asked cheerfully. I looked at her. Her scrubs were pink and her smile was huge and beaming at me. She was trying way too hard. I wondered if anybody could actually be that happy around me. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes by looking away from her face.

"It's a little early, but your breakfast should be up soon. You should try to eat as much as you can. Are you hungry?" I shrugged. I feel sick, thanks for asking. "Sometimes the medicine we gave you to sleep makes people sick to their stomach. You should try to eat something bland anyway, alright?" I nodded. "And try to remember the mask," she added. I had hoped she would forget. The doctor wanted me to wear a mask on my face when other people were around. Apparently I was susceptible to infection. I grudgingly reached over and grabbed the mask I had on yesterday.

She messed with the bag attached to my arm, putting a new one on the stand. I glared at the bag when she was done. The doctor said it was just fluids, but it freaked me out. Anything could be going into me, I wouldn't know the difference. "Ok, if you don't need anything, I'll be back in a little while to check on you. Dr. Wilson is scheduled to come talk to you again at 10. If you need anything before that, press the button," she tapped the side of my bedrail, where the call button was. I looked at it. I couldn't imagine a situation where I would ever press that button. She left, this time leaving the door cracked. I could see a little sliver of the hall. People walked by every once and a while, and I watched the nurses standing at a counter, writing on clip boards.

It was really cold in here. Why did they keep it so cold? Surely other patients were freezing too.

I got up to go to the bathroom, stiff and sore, but happy to be moving around. I had to wheel my IV pole with me, which felt stupid, but nobody was watching me in here. I brushed my teeth and washed my face with the stuff the nurse had brought me the night before, and went back to bed.

When the guy with the food trays came, he didn't say anything to me, just smiled briefly. Guess he didn't know. That was nice. I could just be a random sick person to him. I smiled back as best I could before I realized he couldn't see it under this stupid mask. I ripped it off so I could eat.

I ate the mushy food as best I could too. I didn't really want to eat it, but the nurse said I should. I didn't want her to come back and think I hadn't made an effort. While I ate, I kept an eye on the open door. I wanted to know if anybody was looking at me, but luckily, I only got one or two quick glances from people walking by. I liked to be able to keep an eye on people coming and going, but I couldn't take my eyes off the hall.

At ten, the lady from yesterday came back. I saw her coming and looked away quickly. I didn't want to talk to her yesterday, and I didn't want to talk to her now. I told the police what they wanted to know. Couldn't I just be done with it all? This woman kept badgering me about it, when clearly I didn't want to think about anything but laying in this bed and being warm.

After her initial round of _are you feeling better_ and _you're safe here_ comments, I was really struggling not to roll my eyes at her or tell her to go away, neither of which would do any good. I closed my eyes and put my head back, trying to convey that I wasn't in the mood.

"Edward, I understand that this is overwhelming and you don't want to deal with it right now, but sometimes it helps to talk to somebody." So much for her getting the message. I opened my eyes again but left my head back so I was looking at the ceiling, not her. "Just get some stuff off your chest….we don't have to talk about anything specific, anything you want to address is fine with me…." This time I did roll my eyes. I rubbed my face with both hands, holding them there for a second. Maybe if I just said it, she would leave me alone. If I gave her what she wanted, hopefully she would just go. The police had already gotten it out of me in a moment of weakness, so what harm could it do? No doubt she already knew.

Taking a deep breathe, I quickly said "A man came to my house a long time ago, killed my parents, and took me to _his_ house. He kept me there since that night. Two days ago, I got out and ran to his neighbor's house. Here I am." I looked at her. Her face didn't show the shock that the police officer's had, but she probably just had more practice of hearing fucked up things. That was fine by me. "Can we be done now?"

After a beat, she continued, "Do you want to be done?" I tried not to read into that too much, so I answered quickly.

"Please."

"We can be done talking then. But Edward," knew that was too good to be true, "as much as I appreciate you telling me that, we can talk about other things too. You can ask me questions, or tell me anything you're worried about…." No thank you, I was done. She said I could be.

After a very extended awkward pause, she continued, "alright, I'll be around today, so let a nurse know if you change your mind. I'll talk to you in a few hours." And finally she left. I closed my eyes, wanting to sleep. It was loud. I laid, awake, in this hospital bed, curled up on my side facing the door, with a ridiculous mask on my face, until lunch.

The rest of the day was spent in much the same way, trying to sleep, trying to answer all questions non-verbally, and trying not the think about much of anything.

When it started getting dark, Dr. Wilson came in again, this time with a man and woman I had never seen before and looked highly non-hospital staff like. Somewhere in my brain, that little switch flicked on to tell me to pay attention. This was important.

Part of my brain listened to the _doctor_ talk, while the bigger part checked out these new people. They were, youngish, maybe low to mid- thirties, and well groomed. Both had nice jackets that looked warm and comfortable. The man was tall, with blond hair combed back neatly. He looked nice enough, but obviously looks could be deceiving. Why was he smiling at me like that? The woman also looked nice. She was small, short compared to the man, and thin. She looked a little more stressed, or worried I guess, than the guy. Both were watching me like they expecting me to do something spectacular.

"They're your foster parents." Whoa, what? What did that mean? Like they were adopting me or I was going with them for a few days? She said they lived a few hours away. Why would they want me that far away? I had tried not to do a lot of thinking about where I was going from here, but truth be told, I hadn't ever considered that I needed _foster parents_. I wasn't completely sure what would come of these people, and I looked them over again, as if I could see an ulterior motive by just looking at them.

The man, Carlisle, sort of half hugged his wife, or at least I assumed they were married. Was he trying to convince me they were friendly? Like a kind gesture would make me trust them. But at least he cared enough to try, right?

They talked to me a little, giving me the appropriate greetings. I stuck to my non-verbal strategy. Esme rambled for a while, telling me mostly random information, filling the silence. The one piece of information that caught my attention was that I would be discharged on Tuesday. That would be great, except I realized I didn't know what today was. I hadn't had a use for that information in a long while. She told me about her other kids, they looked way too young for kids my age.

She asked me about dinner, and then sent her husband out to pick something up. He asked me if I wanted anything in particular. Like I had been eating take-out food all this time and had my favorites. I meant to mentally scoff, but I think it came out too. They didn't seem upset though, he left anyway.

"You know, Edward, we really are very excited to have you come and stay with us. I'm afraid we're a little unprepared, but I'll take that instead of you having to wait in the hospital for a long time." I didn't have a clue what she was talking about, but it didn't really matter. That reminded me, I wanted to know what day it was. Should I ask, or stick with my non-verbal thing…..it had been going so well.

"What day is it?" I asked when she took a breath in her ramble. I didn't look at her when I asked, although I tried to make myself. She didn't mind, and she answered right away, like she wasn't shocked at my sudden ability to speak.

"Today is Sunday, the 14th of November," she hesitated, like she didn't know if she should say the year. I felt like I should be offended, but I only figured that out yesterday. The police officer said I was 16, and it was obviously winter, which made it 2010. I was glad I could save myself the embarrassment of asking that question.

If it was Sunday, that meant that I only had one more full day here, until I would be leaving. Not that I wanted to stay here, but it was all a little fast. I just met this woman, and she would be taking me hours away from here to live with her in less than two days. The thought made me a little dizzy.

Now that I had interrupted her, she slowed down a bit, and was almost nervous when she started talking again. "You know that Carlisle is a doctor, and he…well _we_, are worried about you. The doctor said you wouldn't let them give you an exam. You know nobody is going to hurt you. It's been a long time and it would really be good just to have a doctor check you ov-"

"I don't want anyone to touch me," I snapped. I looked away quickly, embarrassed that I had let that slip out.

After an awkward pause, she said, "Okay, Edward, you don't have to. Just…let us know then, if anything is hurting you, alright?" I never would bother them with that, but I shrug-nodded, to satisfy her.

Eventually, Carlisle came back with bags from a sandwich shop. He gave me several options, but I didn't care so I just grabbed one. Then we all sat around and ate our dinner. It was a little bit uncomfortable, but not too bad. After dinner, Carlisle suggested that they let me get some sleep.

"We'll be back as soon as visiting hours open tomorrow- I think it's 9, but I'll have to check." Esme was writing something down with a pen from her purse and a napkin from dinner. "Here's both of our cell numbers, we'll be in town, close-by tonight, so don't hesitate to call us if you need to, okay? You can call for anything at all." She put the napkin on the table by my bed. "Are you cold? You look like you could use another blanket," Esme commented, not really wanting an answers as she nudged Carlisle out the door, presumably to get the blanket. I wanted to laugh at their relationship, it wasn't exactly what one would expect, but I wasn't really in a laughing mood.

"It's a bit freezing in here isn't it?" I nodded a little. "Well tomorrow I'll come by in the morning, but after that I'm going to head home for a bit. I'd like to get your room ready, and check on the kids. We left them rather abruptly I'm afraid. But is there anything you want me to bring you back?" I didn't answer. "I'll bring you some new clothes to wear home, and maybe some pajamas?" I shrugged, not wanting to ask for anything. Thankfully, Carlisle came back then, with a second blanket. He went to put it on the end of my bed, looking awkward. For a doctor, he seemed a little uncomfortable here. Before he could set it down, Esme grabbed it from his hands, spread it out, and threw it over my legs.

"Is that better?" she asked, tucking it in a little around my knees. I nodded quickly, wanting her to stop. "Okay. Good. Have a nice evening, Edward. Get some rest ok? We'll see you in the morning." With a final smile and a pat on my knee, they finally left. When the door finally shut, I let out a huge breath I didn't realize I was holding.

Monday, November 15th

When Esme left Carlisle alone with me the next day, I expected it to be awkward. I honestly just wished he would go with her. I could fend for myself for one day surely. But stay he did. He didn't make as much small talk as Esme, but surprisingly, that made it more bearable. We spent time just sitting, well me more laying, but in silence none the less. He tried to spark up a conversation several times, but when I non-committedly shrugged to most of his comments, he dropped the line of questioning.

He brought a newspaper and cup of coffee with him, and when the silence became too much for him, he offered me a section. I took it slowly, unsure of what he was expecting. Carlisle simply smiled and settled himself with his own section, on the couch. Away from me. That was good. I liked him over there better.

When I woke up to a nurse fiddling with my IV, I started and sat up right too quickly. Blood rushed through my head and my vision blurred.

"Whoa, just relax….there you go, lay back down," I was instructed, not by the nurse, but by Carlisle. He had rushed over to the bed, and when I opened my eyes again, he was looking me over with a scrutinizing gaze. I didn't like it.

"Sorry," I mumbled, not fully awake yet.

Carlisle backed up a little, and I was happier with the space. "Don't be sorry," he told me. I glanced at him briefly, before becoming uncomfortable and looking at the nurse instead.

"I was surprised you slept so long, you even missed lunch! I'll have a tray sent up for you, your doctor wants you to be eating full, regular meals," she told me mater-of-factly. Thanks Dr. What's-his-name. I really wanted to be stuffed full of food, _now_ of all times. But indeed, soon enough, I was eating a big lunch under the watchful eye of my new foster father.

Esme finally returned that night, bringing dinner for me and Carlisle. These people were really into feeding me. I never had time to get hungry again. I wasn't used to it, but I knew I could have it worse.

When they left that night, I was wearing a pair of comfortable pajama pants and a long sleeved t-shirt. They were a lot more covering than the thin hospital gown, and for that I was very thankful. It was stressful being so exposed all day.

I fell asleep quickly, not even having time to be worried about what the next day would bring.

Tuesday, November 16th

As it turned out, the next day came very quickly. Esme and Carlisle returned much earlier than 9am. I knew this because when I was woken up, it was still dark outside. As I tried to wake up, Esme hurried me along by pulling my covers back and guiding me towards the bathroom. She handed me a new outfit and told me to get ready to go.

Why the hell was everyone in such a hurry? It was too early to be rushing around like this. I washed my face and ran my fingers over my short hair. The clothes Esme brought me were once again, much appreciated. Thick sweatpants with a t-shirt and hoodie. I was deemed sufficiently hydrated and the IV had been removed the night before, so I didn't have to worry about maneuvering that around.

When I exited the bathroom, my doctor was there, speaking with Carlisle. Esme guided me over to the couch, where she handed me socks and a new pair of navy blue tennis shoes. She sat down next to me while I put the socks on. I looked at her, confused as to why everybody was moving so fast.

"I'm sorry, don't be worried Edward. Everything is fine, we just want to get going." That didn't convince me. She seemed to know it. She glanced at Carlisle, who was talking discharge papers with the doctor, and then smiled reassuringly towards me.

"Honey, there are some people outside who would like to talk to you-" my eyes went wide and I started to shake my head, hadn't I made it clear that I didn't want to talk? "No, that's not what I mean. You don't have to talk to them. We prefer that you don't. They're people from some local news companies. They're just curious, but they need to give you some space. Carlisle talked to some of them the other day, explaining that you will not be making a statement and asking that they respect our wishes for privacy. That's really all we can do to keep them at bay, but they're still outside."

Oh my god. I was a news story. My life was such a joke that strangers wanted to hear all about it, so they could what? Laugh? Hear about my misery? Fuck, it was all sick. It gave me the creeps and reaffirmed my knowledge that I was being watched. I leaned forward, putting my head in my hands, suddenly dizzy again.

"It's okay, we won't let them near you alright?" No, it wasn't alright, no matter if I willingly talked to them or not. I jumped a little when I felt her hand touch my shoulder. She patted it a little and rubbed little circles. I assumed she was trying to comfort me but it really was just making me more uneasy. "This is why we're going to get moving so early, to try and avoid some of the attention. Our car is parked in the garage, none of them can get inside there right now, so the only time that they might be able to see you is when we are driving out. It won't be so bad, Edward. I promise nobody is going to hurt you." I sat up, not happy about this but hyper aware of her hand. Thankfully, when I moved she took it back and let me be.

I went to finish my getting my shoes on, only to come to a halt when I got the first one on my foot. I hadn't actually put shoes on in forever. I had to admit, it felt a little funny. Confining. The process of tying them felt foreign and sloppy. I remembered my little red and white tennis shoes I had when he took me. I could tie those fine, like any eight year old. Now here I was, a teenager, struggling to manage the task so Esme didn't notice my incompetence.

When they were as good as I could get in what I hoped was an average shoe tying time, I shoved them close to the couch so that Esme wouldn't notice. I sat back and shoved my hands into the pockets of my hoodie. I was already tired and I had been up what? Like ten minutes?

Esme handed me a new mask. I rolled my eyes before putting it on. She chuckled. I felt the corner of my mouth twitch up involuntarily, just a little bit, before I fixed the frown back on my face.

An hour or so later, I was cleared to leave and was walking towards the elevators with my new foster parents, one on each side. Carlisle and Esme didn't say anything, but that didn't keep me from noticing the hospital staff members who were openly ogling me as I walked out. For the first time I was a little bit happy about the mask. I put my head down and picked up the pace a little, which they matched immediately.

Two security guards and the guy from social services that I talked to the first day met us at the door and escorted us out. Once in the car garage, I wanted to run to wherever their car was, so I could hide inside. I walked faster yet, but I had to follow Carlisle because I didn't know where the car was.

I could tell we were close to whoever was trying to find me. The hairs on my neck stood up and I felt like somebody was already watching me. My heart sped up and I could feel the adrenaline in my legs. I wanted to run. I held my breath, trying to keep it together.

Thankfully, they led me to a black, shiny, expensive looking car close to the entrance, just a few rows over. Carlisle opened the back door for me and ushered me inside, looking about as nervous as I felt. Esme followed me in, sitting in the back with me. As Carlisle shook hands with the man and thanked the security guards, I tried to shrink as far down in the seat as I could. I could feel myself shaking, and it was embarrassing. I couldn't even walk outside. It really wasn't even outside.

I jumped again when Carlisle opened his door and sat in the driver's seat. I heard the locks click as he started the car. When we started moving, I thought I was going to pass out. I shut my eyes and tried to take a deep breath as he back out and started driving down the row, towards the exit.

"Honey, it's going to be alright, just try to breathe," Esme tried to soothe. I tried again to inhale a good, deep breath. It worked better, but I was still shaking. I didn't want to see these people. I didn't want _them_ to see _me_. Why couldn't they just leave me alone, like my life wasn't fucked up enough, they had to document it?

"Carlisle, could you stop for a second?" she asked suddenly. The car swerved a little and came to a halt, still inside the garage. When I looked at her, confused, she had turned so she was facing me and scooted over to the middle of the seat. "Edward, these people cannot hurt you. They are just being nosey, and rude, but if you don't give them anything to talk about, they will leave you alone soon enough okay? We don't even know if they're out there, we just wanted to warn you for the worst case scenario. Don't panic okay? There's nothing to be afraid of right now." She might think that, but I knew better.

While logically, I knew reporters were not going to physically harm me, the fact was that exactly what _he_ said was going to happen was coming true, and that meant that everything he warned me about wasn't a lie, like I had hoped. "Why don't you just close your eyes until we're on the highway? It'll just be a few minutes, and then all of this will be behind you." I did her one better and leaned forward, putting my head in my hands and leaning them against the seat in front of me. I squeezed my eyes shut, and was fairly confident that nobody would be able to see my face, and therefore could not really say that I was even in this car.

"Are you ready?" she asked once I was situated. I nodded, wanting to get it over with. The car started moving again, and soon I could see the daylight through my closed eyes. I knew the moment that Carlisle passed them. I didn't see them, but I could hear them. Although I couldn't make out what they were saying, it was pretty clear that their shouts were directed at this car. They got louder until Carlisle sped up, leaving them behind. I kept my eyes shut, like Esme had suggested, until she patted my shoulder, telling me it was okay to look.

I leaned back slowly, blinking at the bright light. I took a few deep breathes and relaxed my shoulder, which were very stiff by this point. We were on the highway, and as I looked around a little, it suddenly struck me how strange it was being in a car. It was hard to keep the flashes of that night out of my head. The last time I had been in a car. I suppose I had been in a car of sorts a few days ago, in the ambulance, but I didn't wake up until I was being pulled out of it, already at the hospital.

I didn't want to think about either of those nights, but it was hard to stop the memoires from flooding my thoughts. I thought about how mad he must be. It scared me so much to think of what he would do if I saw him again. I didn't want to be in that house again.

Thankfully, Esme interrupted them. "What's the matter?" I must have shown the dread on my face. Clearly I needed to work on hiding my emotions better with these people, they were always asking questions that I didn't really want to answer.

I planned on sticking to my silent approach, but thought better of it. These people hadn't done anything to me yet. In fact, Esme had just helped me get through the reporters unscathed. She didn't deserve my silent treatment.

So I swallowed my pride, and answered her. "This is the first time I've been in a car, at least since...well for a long time," I told her quietly. Hopefully she understood what I meant, because I didn't really plan on elaborating.

To my surprise, she smiled kindly at me, reaching out to pat my hand that was on the seat. I looked at our hands together and surprisingly, I was okay with it. Actually, it was kind of nice.

"You're going to be safe now, honey. Nobody's going to hurt you anymore. You deserve to be happy." I didn't know how to respond to that. It was nice that she believed it was that simple. Before I could decide on whether or not I was going to fill her in, Carlisle continued the conversation.

"You know, you _are_ 16. If you are interested, we can get you driving yourself soon enough. I'll be teaching Alice in a few months too. It might be fun."

Driving was something I certainly had never considered before. It was hard to image that I now had a life that could involve something like a dad teaching me how to drive. It sounded ridiculous even in my head. It also sparked another question that had been in my head since I met the Cullens. I didn't really know how to say it, not wanting to upset them when their moods were obviously on my side. I didn't want to sound ungrateful. So I said it the simplest way I could think of.

"What's going to happen to me?" They couldn't read much into that right?

Unfortunately, my question was met with silence for a few moments too long to be comfortable. I couldn't take it much longer and I looked up at Esme to hopefully break the silence. Esme's eyes were watery and I cursed myself for even opening my mouth. I looked away as fast as I could, ashamed that I could upset her so quickly.

She didn't make me wait much longer though. "You're going to come to your new home, with us, and you will be a part of our family, as long as you are happy there. You don't ever have to stay anywhere you don't want to again. We know you've been rushed into this, but I promise you, everything that happens from now on is up to you. We just want you to be safe and happy and healthy, and Carlisle and I will do everything we can to make that happen. Hopefully, you will love your new home and will want to stay with our family, for as long as you need us."

My face was red by the end of her speech. These people didn't know who I was. They never would be this kind to me if they did. It was embarrassing to think that someday, they would find out and realize I wasn't worth all this trouble. I knew I needed to say something to her after she said such kind words, but I didn't exactly have anything that would measure up. I looked at her, her eyes were clear again, and I smiled as best I could, feeling the paper on my face crinkle a little and hoping she understood what that meant.

"Carlisle? Does he have to keep this mask on?" she asked him, out of nowhere.

He didn't answer right away, contemplating. "I'll leave it up to you Edward. Your immune system probably isn't exactly up to par yet, but I think around the house you'll be alright. If you go out I want you to wear it alright?"

Thank god, I ripped that thing off so fast. It was itchy and annoying. If I got the flu, so be it. I was glad she asked, because I never would and I was embarrassed at the thought of meeting their kids with it on.

When we turned into the driveway, I could tell we were close, even though I couldn't see the house. From past experience, I knew it was good to pay attention to my surroundings, should I ever need to get out on my own, but the area around their home was too large. I hadn't seen another house for almost five minutes and that was in a _car. _If I ever needed to escape from something, I wouldn't have a chance without a good head start or a car, so it didn't much matter if I knew my way around.

I tried to keep in mind that these people had given me no reason to think that I would ever _want_ to escape. And when I saw their house, that was driven home even further. It was huge; three stories at least, a large porch, huge windows, and a separate garage. The driveway in front was a wide circle area with lots of parking room. Carlisle _did_ park there, out in the open. I couldn't help but take a quick sweep of the woods and back up the driveway before I got out. Nothing seemed unusual, but I still would feel better inside.

By the time I got up the nerve to open the door and step out, Esme was waiting on my side of the car and Carlisle was walking up the stairs to the house, carrying the small bag of supplies I had acquired at the hospital. The weather here was damp and a little dreary and the tree cover was making the whole area darker than I was really comfortable with. I wanted to be inside. Whatever was in there was surely better than staying out in the open with the drizzle of rain. So when Esme held out her arm, gesturing for me to go ahead of her inside, I didn't hesitate.

The second my foot crossed the threshold, warm air surrounded me. It felt wonderful. I looked up at the room around me and was shocked yet again at the size. The ceiling was high, the windows huge, and it looked like several rooms had been combined into one big one. The wide staircase was oddly welcoming and the little I could see of the upstairs looked just as clean and well put together as the living room I was standing in.

Carlisle was leaning against the back of one of the big couches, a small girl standing beside him, her hands tightly clasped in front of her with a huge smile on her face. She had short black hair, which didn't seem to fit with her girly outfit, but what did I know? Another boy, or man I suppose judging by his size, was sitting on the edge of one of the couch cushions. He had huge muscles, and I knew automatically not to get in his way. He was smiling, but I wasn't stupid enough to be fooled by that. I wondered if they had staged him on the couch like that so to not intimidate me.

I tried to smile back at them, but it probably came out as more of a grimace. Carlisle finally took me out of my misery by introducing us. "Edward, this is our daughter, Alice, and our son, Emmett. Kids, this is Edward."

"Hey, man," Emmett said. Before I had to come up with some equally witty comment, Alice seemed to pop, or something like that. She made a sound like a squeal and hopped a little. She skipped forward and before I could be concerned, she was hugging my neck like we were best friends and she hadn't seem me in a long, long time. I was shocked at first, staying stiff and ready to react if needed, but she probably weighed 90 pounds and it was hard to see her as a threat.

"Alice!" Esme said in a hush, as if to remind her that she wasn't supposed to touch me. Probably a good idea all around. Alice dropped her arms but hardly backed off at all, so I did by taking a step back out of her way.

"Sorry!" she said quickly, and I had just opened my mouth to tell her it was okay when she kept going. "We're super excited to have you here, Edward! I had no idea that they were even looking for another foster kid, but I'm so glad they got you! It's cool that you're my age too! You will love it here so much I promise, I already did a _ton_ of shopping and it's all upstairs in your closet-"

"And that was very nice, thank you Alice," Esme cut in and then ushered Alice back to her spot by Carlisle. "So, Edward, if you want to come with me, I'll show you the upstairs and your room?" she continued. I nodded, unfreezing myself from the spot at the door. I followed her up the stairs to the second floor. "I'm sorry about that, Edward, she means well, she's very excited to have another brother," she told me with a smile.

"'s okay," I mumbled, feeling a little weird that I hadn't said anything so far.

"Okay, so this is my and Carlisle's room," she said, opening the door to the fist room we came to so I could glance inside. "And Carlisle's office is down the hall, but this is my office. There's books in both if you're interested. Alice's room is the last one on the right. You and Emmett and the guest room are upstairs," she gestured again to follow her up the second flight.

She started on the right this time, showing me a guest room and then Emmett's room. "You probably don't want to go in there, it's usually a bit of a disaster..." she told me with a smile. "And this is yours!" she said, overly excited. However when she opened the door to the first room on the left, I saw why she would be excited. The room was huge first of all, twice as big as my old one, at least. The giant bed was on the opposite side of the room facing the door which I would appreciate more than they would know. There was a desk with a computer chair and laptop, a couch on one wall, a dresser next to a door which I assumed was a closet and then another door, this one open, clearly showing my own bathroom.

"I hope you like it, we didn't have that much time to put everything together. If you ever want to change anything, we can and eventually you can put your own stuff in it, make it more your own. As Alice said, there's lots of new clothes in the closet," she demonstrated by opening the closet door and turning on a light. It was the biggest closet I had ever seen. I shook my head, trying to clear it.

"What's the matter?" she asked, concerned.

I shook my head again, trying to come up with something adequate to say. "It's way too much," I choked out.

"Oh, no! Never you mind that. It's nothing, we just want you to be comfortable and enjoy it, alright? Don't think anything of it." I tried to nod, still somewhat stunned, looking around in a daze.

"Well, I'm sure you're tired. Are you hungry?" No, quite the opposite, I was nauseous. I shook my head. "Okay, I'll leave you to relax. You should still be getting plenty of rest you know. Maybe after a nap you can come down and grab something to eat? At least for dinner, we usually eat around six or seven." I nodded again and moved further into the room, recognizing that she wanted me to get settled here.

"And Edward?" I looked back to her. She was by the door now, about to leave. "Nobody's going to bother you, okay? Just relax, I'll see you in a few hours," she said with a smile. I could hear her real message in that, and it would take more than a few kind words for me to be fully comfortable and trust them….She shut the door and I heard her go down the hall and stairs. Leaving me alone.

**AN**- FYI, I'm from the Midwest but I live in Hawaii right now so that's why updates are lateish/in the middle of the night for anyone over there :) We're 5/6 hours behind.

Anyway, I hope you like it so far, if you have time let me know if you do. I'd realllllly appreciate it.


	3. Chapter 3

This was the moment that I was supposed to release a deep breathe, relax my tense shoulders and neck, and smile. But I couldn't do that. I wanted to, but it wouldn't happen. My stomach still felt like a huge knot, and I couldn't shake the feeling that somebody was watching me. Looking at the huge window, I thought maybe closing the curtains would help. I could pass that off as I wanted it to be dark for a nap, right?

I did just that, the dark fabric being really effective, but now the room was way too dark. I turned on the main light and the desk lamp.

If I was normal, at this point I would probably be unpacking and getting situated. I didn't have anything to situate though, so I stood awkwardly for a moment before moving to the closet. It was way too much to deal with however, one glance at a huge row of jeans and I had to shut the door. That shit was insane in there.

With nothing else to do, I took a shower. The bathroom was like something out of a movie, a huge glass shower _and_ a tub with jets, not to mention the large, shiny sink area all decorated and arranged in a way that I knew I would mess it up if I simply touched it. I took my time in the luxury shower, reveling in my ability to stand under the hot water for as long as I wanted.

I dressed in the same clothes when I got out, not wanting to go back in that _room_. I had only been wearing them for a few hours anyway.

I _was_ tired, so I laid down on the very squishy bed, feeling bad as I sank into the pillows, no doubt un-arranging them. Instead of ruining the whole bed, I pulled a smaller blanket from one of the bed posts and curled up, doing my best to keep my mind blank until sleep came.

I didn't open my eyes when I came to. As best as I could tell through my closed eyelids, it was still dark outside. That was good. If I had slept too late he would be mad. Maybe I could stay here for another minute though. I was really comfy right now and getting out of the warmth sounded very unappealing. I felt myself drifting off after a few minutes however, and I knew I had to move around or I would risk falling asleep completely. I rolled over, right onto my bruised face. Hopefully it didn't look too bad today, I didn't want him to bring it up again.

After one last moment of peace, I rolled myself to the edge of the bed and stuck my foot down. When my foot didn't hit the ground at the right moment, my eyes flew open. What the fuck? Then it all came flooding back. I was someplace different. I ran away. Somebody found me. A wave of fear went through me, sending shivers down my spine.

I never thought it would be like this. When I first dreamt about getting out, I pictured the same world as before. I knew my parents were gone. I knew that. But the dream included them and my house and my room, my school with my friends and everything I wanted. It was all I had to fantasize about and so that became my light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know when it had gone from a dream I only wished I could have to something real that was out there somewhere waiting for me. Now that I had finally done it, finally gotten away, that picture was long gone, it was way too late for me to have any of that, and it was once again a dream, just a lie in my head that I could never have, because it didn't exist.

What _did_ exist was this house, this room, and this family that was surely waiting for me to do something miraculous. I didn't want them, I wanted my mom and dad, my space ship bedroom, and my third grade classroom friends. I wanted to be back where my life had left off.

This was so unfair. It was cruel that my life had been taken like that. I had everything I wanted, and just like that it was gone. He took it. now what was I left with? Nothing. He stole it. He stole _me_.

The whole time I was with _him_, I thought it was him that was making me different, but now I _wasn't_ with him and I was still different. I was still there, in the room, whenever I closed my eyes. I wasn't miraculously different, or just back to normal. I was still a freak to the world but sadly, this was my normal. I didn't remember feeling safe, or happy, or whatever the Cullens wanted me to be. I had hoped that if I was ever rescued, I would just know how to be normal automatically. But I was still me. I didn't want to be like this anymore. Disappointed didn't even start to cover how I was feeling right now.

All I was left with was a creepy feeling that somebody was watching me, even in this dark, closed room, and enough memories to keep me miserable for the rest of my days. Add that together with the expectations from the people downstairs, and my life sure was looking great.

I sat up, my feet finally touching the floor. I looked around the room again, my eyes sweeping to the door, still closed with a dim light coming through the bottom, and then to the window where the curtains were still closed, letting in no light this time. I ran my fingers through my hair, finding it dry. I must have been asleep for a long time.

Should I get up? And do what? Esme wanted me to eat dinner downstairs with them. The idea was less than appealing. I didn't know how to act, what to say, or what to do with myself. Not to mention the very idea of food left me nauseous right now. I wasn't really in the mood to try to figure all that out. I was tired. And my head hurt. So instead of getting up, I swung my feet back up into the bed and threw the blanket back over me. I smiled at the thought of going to sleep for as long as I wanted.

Sadly, that hope was bashed after a much too short time asleep. I heard a knocking at my door. My eyes opened on reflex, but I didn't move. I stayed very still, as I had been taught to do. I waited. Another knock. He had never knocked.

"Edward? Can I come in please?" Esme. I stayed quiet, hoping she would think I was still asleep. Unfortunately, after knocking again, the door opened slowly. My closed eyes were hit with the bright light of the hallway outside and I flinched, squeezing my eyes shut further.

"Sorry to wake you honey," she continued, still by the door. "Edward?" My game failed, I opened my eyes, still not moving from my little ball of the tightly wrapped blanket.

"It's almost 9 o'clock. Will you come down to eat?" I closed my eyes again, hoping she would accept that as a no. "Edward you haven't eaten since breakfast, I'm going to make you a sandwich and bring it up here okay?" Looking at her again, I didn't want to say yes, but I couldn't bring myself to defy her either. So I did nothing and she left with a 'be right back'.

She was back way too fast. She knocked again but didn't wait for an answer this time. She came right in and put a plate down on the nightstand, along with a bottle of water. Then she went to the desk and turned that light on. It was bright and hurt my eyes but at least it wasn't the main light like he turned on.

"Sorry about the light. If you can eat a little then you can go back to bed if you want," she told me. I extracted my arms from my bundle and sat up slowly. She handed me a sandwich and a bottle of water and then sat on the end of the couch closest to the bed and looked at me. Was she seriously going to watch me eat? She probably didn't trust that I actually would. I tried to ignore her and focus on eating through my nausea.

About halfway through the awkward silence, she started talking. "Did you sleep well? You like your room?" I nodded, chewing. "I'm sorry if Alice startled you earlier, she was just excited to meet you. She'll calm down soon enough." I tried not to roll my eyes. I may be a freak, but I wasn't scared of that tiny girl.

"She's fine," I said after I swallowed. I finished my food quickly, taking a swig of water and setting it back on the nightstand, then holding the plate awkwardly, wondering what she wanted me to do with it. Should I bring it downstairs? But she stood up and took it, putting it on the nightstand with the water.

"Here, Carlisle sent these up too," she said, taking out a squished little paper cup from her sweater pocket with two pills in it. I looked at her, confused. Why did he want me to take drugs? I was fine. I wasn't doing anything but sleeping. I didn't want to take anything. I shook my head.

"It's okay Edward, your doctor in Seattle sent them home with Carlisle, they're nothing serious." I shook my head again, not taking them when she tried to hand them to me.

"Honey I promise they're good for you, it's just a vitamin supplement and some pain medication for your head. It will help you sleep."

"No thanks, I slept fine earlier," I tried to say politely. I didn't want her to force them on me. She took her hand down, looking a little frustrated. That scared me. I didn't want to upset her. I wanted her to leave now.

"Are you sure? Doesn't your head hurt?" I shrugged. She signed lightly and then said, "Okay, we can talk about it tomorrow." She went to the dresser and opened a drawer. Pulling out a pair of pajama bottoms and a white t-shirt, she said "Why don't you go get changed for bed?" I nodded, getting up quickly, happy she wasn't mad.

When I came back from the bathroom, she had moved some of the pillows and turned down the blankets. She picked up the dirty plate, leaving the water. "Goodnight Edward. Sleep well, okay? If you need anything, you know where to find us, don't hesitate to wake us up, okay? See you in the morning," she smiled and backed out of the room, leaving the door cracked.

I waited until I heard her go down the two flights of stairs and shut the door. I went to bed, trying my best to keep my thoughts on the comfortable bed and nowhere else.

Wednesday, November 17th

I woke up in a very similar way the next day. Knocking. Then speaking. I pulled the covers over my head before the door was opened. I didn't want to think about things. I wanted to sleep again.

There's more speaking but I don't listen. I fall asleep again. When I wake up, it's because somebody is shaking me. I flinch back, fighting to get out of the heavy covers. I couldn't get my arms out fast enough and I started to panic, not liking being held down.

"Edward? You're alright, slow down." My eyes focused on the blankets, I blink to clear them before I can untwist myself and push the covers down to my waist. Esme was the one who had shook me, but Carlisle was standing at the door, looking worried.

I swallowed hard and sat up before mumbling, "Sorry."

"Its fine, honey. I'm sorry I startled you but it's getting late. You've been sleeping for a long time."

"What time is it?" I asked, looking around for a clock. My voice sounded groggy and thick. I wondered how long was a long time.

"It's almost noon," Carlisle said. I looked over at him, still standing by the door and not getting any closer despite my panic.

"Do you think you could come down and eat some lunch?" Esme asked. I didn't want to get up. Somehow, I was still tired. I felt like I could sleep for hours more.

Starting to shake my head, Carlisle stopped me. "The kids are both at school, we'd like you to come down for a little bit, eat some lunch and talk about some things."

"I'm really tired," I tried not to sound pathetic, but I really didn't want to go anywhere.

"How about if you're still tired in an hour or so, you can come back up and take a nap?" Esme asked. I couldn't very well say no to them, so ten minutes later, I was sitting at the kitchen table, eating the waffles that Esme had made for me. They were good, but I would have been grateful for anything, seeing as how this was the first time I've actually sat at a kitchen table to eat in years. Carlisle was there too, sitting at the other end of the table, drinking coffee and reading the paper, obviously trying to give me some privacy. He keeps glancing up when he thinks I'm not looking to check my progress on the food. I make sure to eat it all before I take my plate to the sink. Esme takes it from me before I can do anything with it and sets it down in the sink with the rest of the dirty dishes she used to cook with.

"Edward? We have a few time sensitive issues we should discuss, can we go into the living room to talk?" Carlisle asked me. I shrugged. Esme put her hand on my shoulder, nudging me toward the hall to the living room.

Once we were all arranged, me on the shorter of the two couches and the two of them on the big one, Carlisle smiled gently at me, obviously trying to calm my nerves.

"How are you feeling now?" he asked.

"Fine."

"Esme said you didn't want to take your prescription last night?" I shook my head no.

"You know we won't force you to take them, but I think they would help you right now." I shrugged, looking away from him. I didn't want to take drugs. I didn't need them. "Your doctor was worried about vitamin deficiencies, the medicine for that really can't do anything but good for you. And you have a concussion still; it's alright to have some help when your head's hurting you," he tried to convince me.

It wasn't that I was trying to defy him or anything, I just really didn't want to take anything. I was uncomfortable enough at the hospital with god only knows what they were pumping into me. I didn't like the idea of chemicals going around in my body when I felt fine without them. I could deal with a little headache now and then. I didn't want to do it just because he said it was a good idea, it was my choice. He said he wouldn't force me, now we could see if he meant it.

"I'm fine," I said. Carlisle looked at me strangely for a moment before getting up and going to the kitchen. He came back almost immediately with two orangish bottles. Was that it? Was he going to force them on me already? I tensed up, ready to move away. But instead of coming towards me, Carlisle sat back down and put the bottles down, opening them one at a time and dumping out one of each little white pills. He put them both in a little white cup like Esme had earlier and pushed it towards me.

"You can keep those for now, they're there if you need or want them. Although I should warn you, it's best to take the pain medicine with food. It might make you nauseous otherwise." I didn't tell him that I was always nauseous now.

"We also need to talk about what's going to go on over the next couple days," he continued. Uh oh. What did that mean?

"First, a doctor is going to be coming by later to meet you and talk about where we go from here. She's a youth psychiatrist, and she's also worked with several cases similar to yours. She can help you start to get comfortable with living here and hopefully, you can talk to her about whatever's bothering or worrying you. Today's just a meet and greet though, and Esme and I will be here with you." He paused, waiting for me to acknowledge that he just told me I was getting a shrink. I didn't. I just stared, knowing he wasn't done yet.

"Ok, so her name is Dr. Garrison, and she'll be here around five." Really looking forward to five o'clock then. I want to go back to bed. Maybe I could sleep through five.

"Can I go upstairs? I'm still tired." He said I could go back after I ate. Carlisle and Esme glanced at each other like they had a secret they weren't sharing.

"Sure you can," Esme assured me. Then she continued, "Are you sure you don't want to stay down here for a while? You could go see the backyard maybe? Watch some TV?" I half shrugged half shook my head. Thankfully, they let me go up after telling me that somebody would be in to wake me before Dr. Garrison got here.

Unfortunately, I couldn't sleep. I tried. I got under the covers and curled up like before, but when I closed my eyes, I felt like I was in my old room. I kept opening my eyes to check that I was actually out. After a few minutes it was pointless, so I got up and took another shower.

Now, I'm standing outside the closet door, dreading getting dressed. I should put some real clothes on, if I was meeting somebody important. This doctor person was going to be judging me, after all. Even if they covered it up by saying it was to "make me comfortable," they were obviously just trying to figure my brain out. If I wore what I had been wearing all day, they surely would assume I was depressed or wasn't interested. That would seem rude. No, I needed to wear some real clothes. But that meant I had to go into that mess. Taking a deep breathe, I went in. The closet/room was about as long as the room I lived in for 8 years was. That alone should depress me, really.

Focus. I need to get something nice, but not look like I'm trying too hard. Too bad I hadn't dressed myself for anything specific in a while. Eventually, I settled on a pair of jeans and a long sleeved brown shirt. Sort of plain, but that was okay. I found socks and underwear in the dresser outside.

I noticed that there were a bunch of different sizes of boxers. My face went red with all of the implications of that. For one, that tiny girl I had met yesterday had obviously picked out underwear for me. That was horrible. And two, she clearly hadn't met me before, nor had she known what size I wore in anything. So not only had she clearly had to consider my underwear size, but she and Esme had probably consulted about it. Apparently they didn't come to a conclusion because there were different sizes. That also meant that the money they spent on me was like, tripled. Shit, who knew there was so much stress in picking out a pair of boxers to wear.

Hopefully the rest of the closet wouldn't be so dramatic.

But what to do now? The clock said it was 2:23. I had almost three hours. I stood. I looked around. What was I supposed to do now?

I felt a panic start to bubble inside my chest. I didn't know what to do with myself. How sad was that? I was just standing here, clueless. I was a teenager, I should be able to entertain myself. I literally could not think of one thing that a normal teenager would do in this room right now. What was wrong with me?

I sat down against the wall, my knees up in front of me. I put my head on them, pressing the bruise against the new denim. From my spot against the wall, I had a clear view of underneath the bed. A shiver shot down my spine as the feeling of deja vu came over me. The visual came before I could stop it.

The first night I was in his house, I hid under the bed. I was a little eight year old, still crying because my Mommy and Daddy weren't there. When it got dark outside, I crawled under the twin bed and pressed my face against the wall, trying to be quiet. I was stupid to think he wouldn't find me. I was stupid to cry. Later I learned that it made no difference. At the end of the night, the end result would be exactly the same, every single time. It was better to stand up and face it, rather than to hide. But that night, I didn't know better. He found me, obviously, and reached under easily, pulling me out with one arm. I screamed and cried harder than ever and he pulled me onto the bed with him, holding me like he could actually give me some comfort. I pushed against him, but he just wrapped his arm around me tighter, using the other hand to wipe tears from my eyes. He told me that he was my dad now, right before he clued me in on what he really wanted me for.

I shook my head, forcing myself to look away from the floorboards under the bed. I stood up, a little shaky, but managed to make it over to the light, flipping it on. I had thought of that night so often over the past years. I wanted this time to be different. It should be. It was supposed to be over. Why couldn't it just be over?

I opened the door, not thinking of the consequences. Once I was in the hall, I stopped dead, still not knowing what I should do. I guess I should head downstairs, it didn't make much sense for me to stay in the hall. I headed down one flight, then two, but before I got to the bottom, I heard the garage door open. Not prepared to deal with anyone, I instinctively turned to sneak back up to my room until Esme came to get me.

When I hit the second floor, my plan was once again foiled.

"Edward? Are you okay?" Esme's voice sounded worried, and I understood why. I was essentially running up her staircase. She must think I'm crazy. To make matters worse, someone heavy was coming up the stairs behind me. Before I could answer her, Emmett reached the top of the stairs too. Esme looked between the two of us, confused.

"I'll just…" I faded off, jerking my head up the stairs.

"No, don't be silly! I'm glad you came down. And you look so nice, doesn't he Emmett?" she asked her son.

"Uh….I guess?" his face turned red, as I'm sure mine was.

"Boys," Esme muttered rolling her eyes. "Emmett, we have a visitor coming at five tonight, I'd like it if you could stay upstairs while she's here, okay?" she said as she came towards me, directing me back towards the stairs with her arm.

"Oh. Yeah, sure. That's fine," Emmett said awkwardly, his face still red.

"Honey, let's go downstairs, shall we?" I nodded weakly, following her down.

"I don't think you got the whole tour yesterday. You've seen the kitchen, behind the living room is another sitting room, more formal. We hardly ever use it." She brought me to the room. There were two fancy looking couches and a huge black piano. "Sadly neither Alice or Emmett ever picked it up as I hoped they would." I wanted to laugh at the visual of big, burly Emmett playing something so delicate.

"There's a bathroom in the hall by the kitchen, as well as a door to the basement. We mostly use that space as storage right now. Would you like to see the backyard?"

"Sure," I mumbled. She had wanted me to see it earlier, I should have said yes then.

The yard was huge, just like everything else here. It was beautifully kept, flowers and trees and green grass, the perfect backyard for any childhood.

"There's also a small river down the bank further, you can't quite see it from here. There's lots of woods behind that, Emmett loves to hike in them when it's warm enough." I nodded. I could see that from him.

Esme led me back into the living room after I declined more food.

"Would you like to watch some TV? Have you gotten to watch any lately?" she asked, clearly trying to bring up the subject delicately. I winced a little at the sudden reminder of how freakish I was compared to these people, but at the same time I was glad she didn't feel the need to completely tip toe around me. I should give her the same courtesy.

"Uh, no. He watched the news sometimes…but I never really watched anything."

"Would you like to? I think we have some stuff recorded, movies and whatnot. Do you have a favorite movie?" she asked, encouraged by my willingness to talk about him.

I shook my head.

"Oh! I must teach you about Tivo. You don't know about it already do you?" I wasn't sure if I should be offended, but I shook my head 'no' anyway.

"Okay, come sit," she patted the couch next to her, holding a big silver remote. She explained what it was and how to record shows I wanted to see. The whole thing seemed a little silly to me, but she seemed to think I would enjoy it. "You can look through the shows and record anything you want or just watch what other people have on this list."

We eventually settled on watching the second Harry Potter movie. I had seen the first one with my dad when I was seven, not that I told her that. She asked me if I remembered any of them, I simply told her I would watch the second one. She seemed to understand I didn't want to talk about the experience, which was good. We watched the movie and I was amazed at how little the kids looked. I remembered them much older. The more I saw of this new world I was thrown into, the more I was realizing that it was a very different place than the one I remembered. I wanted the old one back.

A few minutes before five, Carlisle came in from the garage door. He must have gone out somewhere while I was upstairs. I didn't even realize he was gone. I needed to pay better attention.

Esme paused the movie before turning it off and greeting Carlisle.

"Hello Edward, how was your afternoon?" he asked me next.

"Fine," I said without looking at him.

"Great!" he said, obviously trying to be enthusiastic. I felt my face go red, still not looking at him. "So where are the kids, Esme?"

"Emmett is upstairs and Alice is spending the evening at Angela's house."

"Alright, Dr. Garrison should be here soon, are you ready Edward?" Was I ready? Really? Yes I'm always ready to meet the shrink that I'm supposed to let pick my brain, that's really how I wanted to spend my time.

How did I want to spend my time though? I didn't know. I shrugged, keeping my sarcasm to myself.

There was a knock at the front door soon after and all three of us stood up quickly. Carlisle went to the door and Esme followed behind, leaving me to stand awkwardly by the couch, wondering if I should follow too. Deciding I didn't really want to look unsure of myself to this doctor, I moved to the rest of the group.

The doctor came into the living room, smiling and reaching out to shake Carlisle's hand. She looked nice enough. She was shorter than me with short brown hair and glasses. She carried an over the shoulder briefcase. I wondered what was in there. What did she have planned?

"Good to see you again, Dr. Cullen," she said, shaking his hand with both of hers before moving to Esme and greeting her similarly. Then it was my turn. I braced myself, looking at her skeptically as she stepped towards me.

I could feel her looking at my face but I couldn't look at hers. I kept my eyes on her hands as she held one out for me to shake. After only a slight hesitation, I put my hand out for her to take it. She grasped it in both of her small, soft hands and squeezed a little bit, shaking them up once and dropping them. I pulled mine back quickly and crossed my arms, still not looking at her face.

"It's great to meet you, Edward." She sounded pretty genuine. "I'm Rebecca Garrison." I glanced briefly at her face, she was still looking at me, and then looked down at my feet. Why wouldn't she stop? Obviously I didn't want her to stare at me.

Carlisle invited her in and we all arranged ourselves on the living room furniture. I sat in my same spot as before and Esme sat in hers, right next to me. The doctor sat next to Carlisle on the other couch, putting her bag down on the coffee table. She didn't take anything out for now, but I knew she would.

"So, how has your first day here been?"

I wanted to shrug but rethought my strategy. I should probably try to make a good impression with her.

After clearing my throat, I answered, "Um, good," like the genius I was. She seemed happy enough with that though, nodding and smiling.

"And are you feeling okay?" she pressed.

"I'm fine." I was a little snippier than I meant to be, but that topic was getting old fast.

"Alright, well there are several things that need to be taken care of today before we get into anything else. James Owens had his arraignment on Saturday, he is currently being held in the Sea Tac Federal Prison awaiting trial. The detectives and the attorney for the Seattle Police Department will want to come here for questioning, however they are willing to postpone a few weeks. You, Edward, also need to start considering whether or not you are willing to testify against Owens. You don't need to make a decision today, but it's usually more useful in these cases for the defense to know as soon as possible."

A chill ran through my spine as soon as she said his name. I didn't really want to talk about him, but I was glad she got right to the point. Now that it was out there, it felt less awkward and less confusing. No sense in beating around the bush. I liked that.

Oh wait, was I supposed to answer that?

She continued before I decided. "Dr. Cullen I understand you have your own lawyer?"

"Yes, he's willing to meet with us whenever Edward is up to it," Carlisle told her. Why did I need a lawyer? Wasn't he just on trial with the state or something?

"Ok, I think your attorney, Edward and I should meet before he meets with any of the state attorneys. Just to assure that he is ready and prepared for anything they should ask him. Are you alright with that, Edward?" she looked at me, waiting. I nodded, a little confused.

"Have you been out around town yet?" I shook my head this time.

"Esme and I were actually a little concerned about that actually. We were wondering how to proceed with the media threat around Edward." Was I not allowed out?

"Well, as far as I'm aware, the media has not actually seen Edward yet, am I correct?"

"You are, however as you know I have been on TV. I'm afraid people around town know my face," Carlisle answered her, sounding regretful. I honestly didn't really care. I didn't want to go gallivanting around town anyway.

"You can't worry about that forever, I think it's best to proceed as usual and deal with that problem if it comes. It's much better for Edward to be getting out around people than to be hiding inside. It's a small town, so there's bound to be gossip, however you can keep them off your property which will thankfully give you a lot of privacy here."

"Edward?" she waited until I looked at her. "You know there is no need to be afraid of anybody here, correct?" I didn't answer. "The media attention, if it comes, will likely be annoying but I think you will find that most people you meet will actually be well-wishers and not there to cause any harm." I didn't really care if they meant well, I had little desire to meet anyone new.

"With that in mind, I think we should talk about starting to make small trips out around town. Is there anything you might be interested in doing, Edward?" I shrugged again, clueless as to what my interests should be as a 16 year old boy.

"Alright, well again, nothing needs to happen right now, you can think about it and if anything strikes you as a good idea, you should try it," she shrugged. "Sound good?"

"I guess so."

"Good. And how do you feel about getting some check-ups done? Dentist and eye doctor maybe? I know you didn't want a physical exam at the hospital and you don't have to do that until you feel comfortable with it, but it's important for you to be healthy-"

"I don't want to go to the doctor again," I cut her off, then I felt a little bad. But not really. My teeth and eyes were fine. It seemed silly to be so concerned about that after all the shit he put me through.

"Okay, that's fine for now. It's up to you." I fought the urge to roll my eyes again. Did she think I couldn't tell she was trying to make everything my _choice_? Whatever.

"I realize you're still adjusting here, but how is your appetite? Sleeping okay?" she had taken a notebook out of her bag now, looking through a printed page of some sorts. I frowned at whatever it was.

"It's fine," I said shortly, irritated.

"He's been sleeping a lot, actually. He slept for over twelve hours last night," Esme spoke up. She looked a little guilty for ratting me out, but I knew she was just trying to help.

"That's to be expected, his body is adjusting. I'd be much more worried if he wasn't sleeping as well." I didn't like all this talk about _adjusting_. "We'll keep an eye on both, for the time being. It's important that he is getting enough rest and nutrition right now especially."

"Do you have any questions right now, Edward?" I didn't think so.

"Okay, I'll be back on Friday. If it's alright with you, I'd like start doing these sessions a little earlier. Will 3:00 work for you? Say Monday, Wednesday and Friday for now?" she looked to Carlisle and Esme when it was clear I wasn't going to answer this time.

"That should be just fine," Carlisle said as he stood up. Thank God that was over. Esme leaned over and asked if I was tired. I nodded, only lying a little bit.

When I hit the first landing, I stopped to take a big breathe, holding onto the top of the banister. That's when I heard the three adults continuing to talk downstairs. I assumed they would just be saying their goodbyes, but it didn't sound like it now. I turned my head to hear better. Just for a second.

"He seems to be holding a lot back, but that's really to be expected. He needs time to work through it."

"I'm a little worried about his appetite. He's eating of course, but he never wants to. We have to almost force him. Is that…" Esme didn't finish her question, sounding upset.

"Give him a few days, hopefully he'll come around. Your job as parents right now is to just be there if he wants to talk. Make sure he knows he's not alone and try to engage him as much as possible. Most of his healing needs to happen on his own time, you just need to be there when he asks for help, even if he doesn't say it."

Great. That's just awesome. Now surely they were going to analyzing everything I said and did. That's really what I needed.

"I'm going to leave a prescription for Ativan with you. The report I got from his doctor indicated that he may have some issues with panic attacks when he gets worked up. It may have not happened here yet, but all this will surely catch up with him and he may need some help relaxing. Again, don't force him into anything but if he's truly panicking you should encourage him to take one. Eventually we may want to make it a smaller, daily dose but for now, if an attack happens, this should help."

Shit. I didn't know they would know about that. I mean what could they really expect? I freaked out a little bit when they first brought me into the hospital and wanted to do a 'rape kit' on me. I didn't want them to touch me and nobody would listen. I was still expecting James to walk in the door at any minute and all the doctors would talk to me about was doing an _exam_ and _procedures_. I calmed down eventually, I didn't need drugs. I wasn't crazy. I would be fine if everyone just let me be.

"Hey man, what's goin-" Emmett's voice sounded from _right_ behind me. I embarrassingly jumped and gasped, shocked at his sudden appearance. Emmett let out a small, carefree laugh but then looked confused, "why are you up here?" Shit. He listened for a minute before I could come up with an explanation.

"Try to encourage him to interact with your other children and maybe some of their close friends. He shouldn't feel isolated, even if he is staying around the house for a while," Dr. Garrison continued. My face turned red as Emmett watched.

"Oh. Dumbasses for not- wait, man, it's not a big deal-"I had already pushed past him, shaking my head and embarrassed. I raced up the stairs, taking two at a time and then barely resisting the urge to slam my door, hard. Instead I closed it as gently and soundlessly as I could manage before sinking down to the floor against it. I pressed my bruise against my knees again, feeling the sting and focusing on it instead of what just happened.

I suddenly was tired. I was too worked up though. I knew I wouldn't have any better luck than earlier. It wasn't even six yet either.

God that was embarrassing. Why did he have to come down right at that moment? I was only standing there for like thirty seconds and he picked _that_ time. Was he going to tell them I had been eavesdropping? I doubted they would be overly upset but still, it wasn't exactly the best foot to start off on.

And how much had he heard? It seemed like he just caught that last bit, hopefully he didn't hear the shit about them having prescription drugs on hand for me in case I freaked out. That would be almost worse than him hearing how a doctor was recommending I make friends with the people I live with because I was too messed up to find my own. Ugh. I wanted to burn the last five minutes from my mind forever. Just like the rest of my life.

Not to mention how horrible the rest of that meeting was. It seemed pretty tame compared to the embarrassment I just went through with the _normal_ teenage guy in the house, but it was still pretty bad. She wanted my foster parents to take note on my sleeping and eating patterns because I couldn't do it myself.

It seemed like everybody was waiting for me to blow. Apparently the nice little life that they had crafted for me was about to blow up and expose virtually every aspect of my _real_ sad little life and they were all getting ready for the mess it would make.

And they were going to make me go through that all over again, three times a week. I might die before Friday instead, thanks.

That woman seemed way too informed for my liking. She knew about everything already, which I guess was good because it was less I had to say myself. Still it left me wondering where she was getting her information and who else had it.

In fact, until she said it, I hadn't known his last name. Owens. I guess it didn't really matter, I had no use for the name after all, but it still was weird that everyone else knew. I had lived in his house for eight years after all. He never mentioned his last name? I guess not. It's not like we did a lot of chatting. I didn't really want to learn anything else about him. Knowing his last name was making him more real instead of the bad dream I wanted him to be.

I couldn't picture him sitting in a jail cell either. I hadn't really thought about where he had gone since I ran out of his front door. I just knew he wasn't where I was. That was all that really mattered but I guess I needed to think about where he was going from here.

Did I want to testify? No. That was really all the thinking I had to do to get an honest answer. But I knew if I just said no to them, I wouldn't hear the end of it. They would bring it up until I changed my mind. But the whole idea sounded so utterly awful to me it was hard to think about another answer.

Really, the man killed my parents. Doesn't murder trump anything he did to me anyways? Did they really need me? Technically, I guess I was a witness or whatever, to the murders. Could I talk just about that part?

The more I thought about it, the more the idea of actually talking about it in front of people didn't sound like the end of the world, in comparison to actually seeing that man again. That's really what I wanted to avoid. There wasn't much that could make me agree to that again. Surely they didn't actually need me to put him in jail.

I didn't want to see him again. If I had to do that in order to testify, I wouldn't testify. I could talk to the cops though. I could try to help from here, as long as I never was in the same room with him again.

I needed a distraction, so I sat on the end of my bed and fiddled with the remote until I figured out how to make the TV work. The volume was up really loud. I jumped and muted it, listening for anybody coming up that might have heard. I turned it down almost to mute and looked around for something interesting.

It was bizarre being so alone. I felt truly free to do what I want without consequences right now, at least in this room. It made me almost giddy to be able to choose what channel to put it on or how loud to make it.

But in a more practical sense, I couldn't decide if it was an improvement from how I'd been alone since he took me. Being with him, it was a different kind of alone. I knew my parents were gone, and he had told me when my grandmother died. That meant there was literally nobody out there looking for me or hoping that I would come home. It was just me and him, and he never let me forget it. But now it was weird. I wasn't physically alone, but still nobody was truly _with_ me. Nobody understood at all. It wasn't their fault, they couldn't. But in a way, I was still with him, or he was with me, in my mind. He understood what had happened and he knew how it had hurt me. Nobody else, just him. Even if he was in a jail cell. He would never truly leave me alone.

Around eight, Esme knocked. I got up to answer it this time, turning off the TV. I vaguely wondered if Emmett told them what happened on the stairs, my face reddening as I slowly opened the door.

"You're awake!" she sounded legitimately surprised. "I'm glad. Do you want to come down to get dinner? It's a little late, but we thought you were napping," she rambled a little bit.

No, I didn't want to come down for dinner, but after the meeting and hearing how they were going to _keep an eye on_ my eating habits, I figured I should.

She led me downstairs yet again and as I sat at the table eating delicious vegetable soup and a grilled cheese, it was obvious she wanted to talk.

Finally, she just spit it out. "So did you like Dr. Garrison? You know you don't have to stick with her if you aren't comfortable with her."

"Oh. Yeah she's fine," I said, not knowing that I had a choice in the matter. I didn't want to risk getting a worse person. She wasn't all that bad yet.

"Just fine?" I looked up, she was smiling a little, clearly teasing me. I shrugged and she grinned more, amused.

"Tomorrow, if you're feeling up to it, would you like to go out and see the town maybe? Get the lay of the land?" she asked, sounding hopeful.

Driving around with nowhere specific to go sounded very….exposing. To be honest I didn't really want to go anywhere right now. I was getting comfortable in the house. And I liked it here. It was warm and I could go in my room and shut the curtains and not have to worry about being seen. I knew as soon as I stepped outside he could find me, even if he couldn't touch me with Esme. I'd rather stay in, thanks.

I did the half shrug half shake my head thing again. I didn't look at her.

"You don't want to go out?" I shook my head. I felt like I just got here, why did I need to go somewhere already?

"Honey, are you worried about something if you leave the house?"

_Yes_. I shook my head.

"Ok. We can take it slow alright? Let us know if you want to do something, it's up to you. There's nothing for you to be scared of here."

Yeah, ok. I ignored the comment. She had no better idea if I was safe than I did. But that did remind me.

"I don't want to testify."

She looked up from where she was putting dishes in the sink, looking shocked.

"Are you sure? You can take some time to think about it."

"I'd have to see him, right? In court?"

"Yes, he would be in the room, but he wouldn't talk to you or-"

"I don't want to then. I don't want to be in the same room as him anymore." I looked at her closely, wanting her to know I meant it. I expected to see pity, but really what was there was sadness. It wasn't much better, but I wanted to make her feel better.

"Okay. That's your decision. You don't ever have to see him again." She turned and made it look like she was continuing with her work, but I thought she was hiding something else from me.

"I'll talk to the police or whoever….I want him to go to jail. I'll do whatever I can to help, except I don't want to see him anymore. I don't want to have to think about seeing him even. I just want him away from me." A shudder went through my spine, realizing how true my words were.

She looked back at me, her eyes wet with unshed tears. Before I was ready, she came to me and embraced me from where I was sitting in the chair.

"That's very brave of you, Edward. I'm proud of you for wanting to help. I know it's hard to talk about. You're very strong for agreeing, you know that?" She rubbed my back a few times, still not letting go.

This was the first time I had been touched like this since I lost my parents. I knew she was legitimately kind and didn't want to hurt me. It was beyond being a strange feeling. It was completely unknown and foreign. It made me miss my mom. I wanted it to be her hugging me, telling me it was okay and that I was being brave. I could have hugged my mom back, instead of sitting awkwardly while Esme, almost a complete stranger, had to fill in for something else that monster had taken from me.

This whole thing was completely unfair. Hadn't he done enough? He had to take my parents too? What if they were still here? It would be so different. I would be at home, happy and excited to be back with the people I love. But no, he had to take _everything_, so even now that I was free, I still had nothing left.

When Esme pulled back, I realized that I was crying. I swore I wouldn't do this. How embarrassing, crying like a fucking baby while someone else's mom had to try and comfort me. I got up, maneuvering around Esme so she couldn't see my face, and ran from the room. Thankfully I didn't see anybody else and I got to my room, shutting the door and then running to the bathroom, shutting that door too. I pulled a towel down from the rack and sat on the floor, blocking the door. I buried my face in the towel, biting it to stop myself from making noise as I cried.


	4. Chapter 4

Thursday, November 18th

I didn't sleep that night. I sat in the bathroom for a long time. I didn't want to think about my Mom and Dad, so I focused on other things as best I could. Eventually it got so late that all I had to focus on was being tired, and staying awake. I moved to the bedroom, sitting sideways on the couch with my back to the arm rest. There was no light in the room except for the line coming in from the hallway and eventually, that was turned off too. Emmett must have been up late too.

I wondered what Emmett and Alice thought about me. Did Carlisle and Esme ask them before they brought me here? I doubted it. Maybe they were mad that I was here. I probably would be mad if I had a perfect life and someone dumped a messed up, wreck of a teenage boy into it.

At least Emmett hadn't told them that I was essentially spying on their private conversation. Yet. Or maybe he had and Esme just didn't mention it. Either way was embarrassing so I guess it didn't matter. I hoped he wouldn't tell.

It was close to five a.m. by the time I moved over to the bed. I didn't want to sleep. I knew I would dream about my Mom. This is why I tried not to think about them. Whenever I did I would dream about happy times with them and I didn't need the tease, especially now that I was out of his house. Now I got to see another tease on a daily basis and Carlisle and Esme were nearly as bad as thoughts of my own family.

I wondered how it was for Emmett and Alice to grow up here. Their parents seemed like the kind that gave them whatever they wanted, let them explore and make their own decisions and mistakes. I bet they took trips and got the best experiences that life could offer.

To say I was jealous of them would be such a laughable understatement I shouldn't even think it.

They had freedom and love and care and what did I have? My childhood consisted of fear and locks and hurt. It didn't matter that I was in the same house as them now, or that Carlisle and Esme would probably do whatever they could to give me the same things as them, it was too late for me. That man had ruined me for good and when it came down to it, it was all over. It was over the day he took me. He won and I lost and that was it.

I laid in bed that day until Esme came and got me for breakfast. She could see that I was tired though and sent me back up to bed after I ate my eggs and toast. I still didn't sleep though and at lunch time, she started asking me what was wrong. I didn't answer, just ate enough to satisfy her and headed back upstairs. I purposefully stayed in uncomfortable positions so it was harder to fall asleep, a trick I had learned at a young age.

Carlisle came home around six and came up to my room with dinner for me. He questioned me about how I was feeling and if I was sleeping properly, I didn't answer him, or look at him. I didn't want to explain the real reason and any other reason wouldn't have satisfied him. He tried to give me a sleeping pill, but I shook my head and turned around on the bed.

"I'll leave it here for you in case you change your mind." I heard the little tap on the wood of the nightstand. Then the click of the door as it closed. I didn't eat my dinner or take the pill, but I did fall asleep that night. And dream I did.

_I was sitting on my Dads recliner in the living room, but I wasn't with my Dad. I was sitting on _his_ lap, _he_ was holding onto me tightly, _his_ hand on the back of my head, pressing me towards his chest. _

"_Shhhh, it's just fine, son. I'll take care of you, won't I? You're just fine."_

_He rocked back and forth, holding my face to his chest. I was crying because I knew what was behind me. He rubbed my back in big, long circles from the base of my neck all the way down to my pajama bottoms. He kept whispering _shhh_, like it was ok _not_ to cry when my parents were laying, still and silent, right behind me. He was looking at their bodies, and wouldn't let me see. I tried to turn my head to see, hoping they would get up and make this man go away. His fingers on the side of my face held it so that all I could see was our dining room table in the next room. My dad's books and papers were still on it, the light shining in from the kitchen. _

_I tried to push him away from me, my elbows reaching his chest and poking in but not making a difference. I cried and told him to let me go but he kept hushing me, rubbing my back. _

_After what seemed like hours, he finally stood up, holding me like a baby. He took me into the kitchen where he set me on the counter. I tried to wiggle out from his hold and off the counter but he put a strong hand on my thigh and held tight. It hurt and I didn't move anymore. He pulled out a little bottle of pills from his dirty brown pants and popped the lid off with a thumb. _

_I was screaming and howling now, clearly getting on his nerves. My vision was blurry from all my tears and the next thing I knew, he had pushed three or four pills into my mouth and was holding it shut with the palm of his hand. My nose was all stuffy from crying and I couldn't breathe without my mouth open. I shook my head trying to get loose. _

"_Now now, just swallow like a good boy and it'll be over soon. Swallow what's in your mouth, son, go on."_

_I thought he was going to kill me too. The pills must be poison, right? I had no choice though, getting dizzy from no oxygen. I swallowed thickly, struggling to get them down without water. He felt me swallow and took his hand off my lips, moving his fingers to my chin and pulling down. Once my mouth was open he peered inside, making sure they were gone. _

"_Good boy." He picked me back up and patted my bottom in praise. We stayed in the kitchen for a few minutes, him holding me like a baby with my head on his shoulder, bouncing me and rocking me, whispering comforting words in my ear. Eventually I started to feel sleepy and my crying quieted. He pulled me back, looking at my face. Seeing me in my sleepy state, he told me to go to sleep and we moved towards the garage. He opened the back door of my parents' car and put me in, laying me across the seats. I was too sleepy to get up. I heard him close my door, then open the drivers. We backed out of the garage and turned down my street, away from my house and my parents, and into my nightmare. I fell asleep before we arrived. _

Friday, November 19th

Thankfully, a sharp and intense pain woke me up. It was a familiar pain, but still very much unwelcome. I froze, knowing from experience that if I rolled further onto my shoulder, it would make matters so much worse. I slowly inched my way back the way I came, rolling to the left instead of the right. I moved my left hand up and gripped my right arm above my elbow, holding my shoulder in place.

Probably a year or two ago now, James had come home particularly drunk. He only ever got violent when he was drunk. By the time he was through with me, I was in much the same position I was in now, holding my shoulder still, it having popped out of the socket. Not having much of a choice, I learned how to wiggle it back into place. After the first time, it had come out several more times. Each time it was getting harder and harder to get it back in.

Now, laying in my bed, I looked at my options. Squinting to see the clock on the DVD player, I saw that it was almost seven. Knowing how much it would hurt to maneuver the bone back into its spot, I opted to rest a little first. If I held really really still, after a few minutes it didn't hurt so bad. I just had to build myself up to it, that was all.

When the clock read nine, I had to admit that I was stalling. With one wiggle though, I realized I couldn't move it the right way in this position. I needed to be sitting up. Damn it.

I squeezed my arm tightly to my body, getting ready.

Taking a huge breath and holding it in, I gently rolled myself over so that my knee was underneath me, then lifting myself up and to the edge of the bed. I got a foot on the ground and slid down until I was sitting flat on the floor with my back against the mattress. I needed a flat surface to push my arm against.

Decidedly, I had earned a break. I held my arm at a right angle, resting my head back and closing my eyes.

_Knock, knock_. "Edward?" My eyes shot open. Oh fuck, I had to do this now.

I started wiggling it around, hoping it would pop in easily. That shit hurt pretty bad though, and I couldn't help the groan that came out, even with my lips clamped tightly shut.

"Edward? Are you alright, honey?"

Ok, I had to do this now. One, two…three. I pushed my shoulder hard into the mattress. Good god that hurt. I knew that if I had actually gotten it in, the pain would have gone away pretty quickly. It still hurt badly though, so I was pretty much screwed.

I must have made more noise because Esme opened the door. "What's wrong? Are you sick?" she asked rather frantically. I tried to keep the moaning to a minimum and sit up in a more natural position, but I had to face it, it was hopeless. I was sweating from the pain and holding my arm for dear life.

Esme rushed over to me and knelt down beside me. She reached out to feel my face and I violently flinched away from her, not wanting to be jostled for fear of making my arm hurt worse. Unfortunately, my own movement was enough to make me gasp in pain and squeeze my eyes shut.

When I opened them, Esme's mouth was in a wide 'o' shape and she was staring at my shoulder. I didn't think she would be able to actually see it through my t-shirt, but she clearly had drawn her own conclusion.

I started wiggling it around again, determined to make this pain stop, even if she was going to watch me.

"Honey! No, no, no, please stop! I'm going to get Carlisle, he can fix it, don't move anymore," she almost yelled at me. I didn't want Carlisle touching my arm right now, I could do it myself. "Edward, please stop for just a minute, hold still!" She grabbed my left wrist, and that effectively stopped my movement because I didn't want her moving it anywhere I didn't have planned. She got up and ran to the door, yelling for Carlisle to come quickly.

I was starting to get nauseous from the pain and needed a break from the wiggling. I held it really still and took some deep breathes.

"What on Earth happened?" she asked me. I was unable to answer her. Sorry, too busy breathing.

Carlisle's footsteps were heard and then he was in my doorway, looking down on the scene.

"It's his shoulder, Carlisle, look," Esme said frantically.

Carlisle was at my side instantaneously, kneeling down next to my injured arm.

"Did you fall?" he asked me, his eyes analyzing the situation without touching me.

I shook my head.

"Talk to me Edward, what happened?"

"Just sleeping," I struggled to tell him. He looked confused but I couldn't clarify right now.

"Has this happened before?"

I nodded. This time he did touch me, running his fingers along my collar bone and then putting one hand on my elbow, the other about halfway up to my shoulder.

"Did this just happen? As in a few minutes ago or less?" I was almost crying now as I shook my head, clenching my teeth.

"Ok, let's get you on the bed and we'll pop it back in, alright?" He let me hold my arm now while he went to my other side and put an arm around my waist, helping me up because I had no free hands.

I muttered a '_fuck'_ as he directed me. I had just done this, hadn't I? He couldn't do it from down there? It hurt really fucking bad.

"Can't you give him something? So it doesn't hurt?" Esme sounded like she was about to cry.

"Edward, I can go downstairs to my office and get you a shot to numb the area and some of the pain, or I can do it right now. You're going to have some immediate relief once it's back in place. What would you like me to do?" he asked very clearly and calmly.

"No, just do it now," I was on the verge of yelling, tired of my shoulder being moved around and jostled.

Carlisle shoved the blankets and pillows out of the way so I could lay down completely flat on the mattress. He removed my left hand from my right arm and laid both down flat on the mattress, my injured arm still bent at a right angle. He took my hand in his and held on tightly to my fingers.

"Ok, I'm going to count to three. One, two," and that was it. He twisted and pushed my shoulder up, there was a blinding pain for a moment before sweet relief. He let go of my hand and I quickly gripped my arm again, still not wanting it to move. It felt so much better already. My eyes closed in relief and I rolled off my shoulder.

"Are you alright?" he asked, now behind me.

"Mhmm. Thank you." I meant it.

"You were sleeping?" he asked, bewildered.

"Yeah. I just rolled on it wrong I guess."

"You've dislocated it before? Did you pop it back in yourself?"

"Yeah." Who else would have done it? There was a break in the questioning and although I wasn't looking, I could almost feel Carlisle and Esme exchange a meaningful glance.

"Can you sit up for me again? You shouldn't rest like that, in case you roll onto it again."

I slowly sat up and turned towards him as he stacked pillows up behind me. He had me lean on them so I was basically sitting up but with extra support. He even folded one up perfectly under my injured arm so I didn't have to hold it up.

"Thank you," I said again, truly grateful. He did it much better than I ever could have.

"Next time you should come to me right away, okay? Yell down for us in an emergency like this, we'll hear you. It doesn't matter what time it is. You don't need to be relocating your own shoulder. I'm going to go get you some pain medicine. Don't move, alright?" I nodded.

He left the room but Esme was still by the door, looking upset but relieved.

"Are you alright honey?" she asked again.

"Mhmm. Tired," I told her truthfully. The relief from the pain had made me sleepy and all I wanted to do now was close my eyes and not move.

I did close my eyes, too exhausted to pretend to hold up my end of a conversation. Esme started moving around, adjusting the sheets on my bed and straightening them out, covering my up about to my knees. I heard the faucet turn on in the bathroom opened my eyes to her holding out a glass of water to me. I took it with my left hand, gulping down half of the glass.

Carlisle came back then, holding a pill bottle and a big bag of ice, along with a towel. He set all of his items down next to me on the mattress.

"Come on, let's get your shirt off." What? Why? No thanks.

Unfortunately, Carlisle didn't really wait for an answer. He took my shirt by the hem and started pulling up before I had comprehended.

"Hold your arm for a minute." I did just that as he worked my t-shirt up my back and around my good shoulder, then let go so he could get my left arm out.

I held on for dear life as he pulled it over my head and then gently down my right arm.

He inspected my shoulder, commenting on how "inflamed" it looked. Whatever that meant.

"When did this happen?"

"Um…a couple hours ago," I mumbled, embarrassed. He made a _hmm_ noise, clearly unhappy.

"I want you to keep ice on it this morning, alright? And you need to make sure not to put any pressure on it and keep it supported. I'm going to bring you a sling home in a few hours. Until then you should stay here. I want you to take this." He held out a little white pill and the glass of water.

I shook my head. I didn't want a sleeping pill.

"Edward, I would like you to take it, please," he said, making it clear that he wasn't asking.

"I don't want sleeping pills."

"It's not a sleeping pill. It's a muscle relaxer, it's a mild dose and you'll feel much better after you take it. Please."

Seeing that he was going to put up a fight about it this time, I reluctantly took it, not using the water. I wanted to sleep.

He put the towel down over my shoulder and then the ice bag, using another pillow to prop it up.

"Get some rest. We'll leave the door open so we can hear if you need anything, alright?"

I was asleep before they left the room.

CPOV

As soon as we were out of sight Esme looked at me, tears overflowing from her eyes. She opened her mouth before I shushed her, looking pointedly at Edward's open door. Putting a hand on her back, I lead her downstairs, into my office.

The door hadn't even closed when she started. "Oh my god, Carlisle! That poor child, what did that monster do to him?" I took her in a hug and held her close, astounded myself at the situation.

When Esme had yelled frantically from upstairs, I could only imagine what caused her concern. I definitely wasn't expecting what I saw when I entered Edward's room though. It was obvious very quickly that something was terribly wrong with his arm. He was holding it at an unnatural position, sweating with a red face from the pain.

I popped it back in with little trouble, but Edward unfortunately seemed rather experienced with the discomfort he was in.

If this was a repeated occurrence, he would need to go into the hospital for x-rays. He surely wouldn't be happy about it, but there was a good chance he needed further medical care and I daresay he's been neglected enough.

"Why do things keep happening to him? Hasn't he had enough?" my wife cried into my shoulder.

"I know. He can't catch a break, can he?"

"You should have seen him! He was sitting on the floor shaking his arm back into place. Why didn't he ask us? He thinks he's alone," she concluded. I couldn't help but think she was right.

I had the exact thought yesterday when she told me about Edward's decision not to testify. I had gotten home late from work and it wasn't until after Emmett and Alice had both disappeared to their rooms for the night that Esme told me about their conversation.

"_He talked to me a little yesterday."_

"_Oh?"_

"_He doesn't want to testify. He told me he didn't want to ever be in the same room with James again, but that he wanted to help. It was sweet, really. He seemed worried that I would be mad, but he meant it. He doesn't want to see him again."_

"_Maybe he will change his mind after he has some more time to think about. I would hate for him to regret this decision."_

"_I don't think he will. He seemed very firm on the topic. I didn't even ask, he just came out and said 'no'."_

_It was encouraging to know that when he had something he wanted to say, he would say it. We had gotten a lot of nods and shrugs the past few days. I was beginning to think that he was too scared to voice his true opinions. _

"_He's scared, Carlisle."_

"_I know he is." And he had every right to be. He had been in hell for far too long. He had to grow up in fear, hopeless and alone._

"_I want him to realize that he's safe, it hurts me to think that he's still scared and uncomfortable. I don't want him to think this place is like _that_ place," she sighed. _

"_It will take time. We can't expect him to be okay with everything right away. It's probably good that he doesn't just have blind faith that everything will be okay."_

"_But it will be! He doesn't need to fear anymore."_

"We_ know that, but he needs to heal before he can be confident in his safety. He'll get there." _

He needed encouragement. He needed to be shown that _this_ world was safe. Inside this house, with this family, he had nothing to fear. If he could learn that, he could deal with the other things in his head.

"Did you ask him if he wanted to go out and do something? I think it would be a big help to show him that he can loosen up a little. Maybe he could take a step towards trusting us if he had a good time out somewhere with us."

"He doesn't want to. He didn't really say why, but he wants to stay here."

I was afraid of that. It was understandable. This whole thing is surely so overwhelming for him, he's probably trying to get a hold on his new home before he ventures out. He's already done more traveling in the past week than in the past eight years. I still though it would help him to see that the whole world isn't evil.

"That's alright. He'll get there. We'll help him," I comforted her. I knew having Edward here, although she would have it no other way, was a huge stress on her. She wanted to help him, like she helped Emmett and Alice, but sadly, Edward was clearly on a whole different level. He was going to need years of comfort and reassurance, where Emmett and Alice were already healed for the most part.

"Listen, Esme, I should call Dr. Garrison. She's supposed to be here in a few hours. I'll see if she wants to reschedule."

As it turned out, she _didn't_ want to reschedule. She thought it best to continue with the original plan. Edward needed a routine. I agreed, as long as he wasn't too uncomfortable or wanting to rest. It was only ten, Edward had five hours to rest.

"I'm going to tell him later tonight that I want him to go in for x-rays soon. He won't be happy about it, but he needs them."

"Would you like me to talk to him about it first?" Dr. Garrison asked.

"If you think that would be the most likely way he will agree," I hesitated. I hadn't told her in hopes that she would do it for me.

"Well, I don't want him to be uncomfortable talking to you about issues. You should approach him first. Be firm with him, tell him what needs to happen, but if he panics, just be ready to reassure him that it will be you doing the treatment and there's no need to be afraid of the hospital. It might help if he knew the details of what will happen, so he's prepared and knows what to expect."

I agreed. I didn't want Edward to think we were talking behind his back. I wanted to be open with him so he knew he could be open with me.

Soon after I hung up, I went out and bought Edwards shoulder sling. I realized I didn't know if he was right or left handed. I hoped this wouldn't discourage him too much.

Around two, I went back upstairs to help Edward with the sling and try to get him down for some lunch. His appointment was soon anyway.

I knocked. Nothing. As usual according to Esme. I knocked again just to be sure before slowly pushing his door open.

His bed was empty. The natural panic rose in my chest for a moment before I realized he was probably just in the bathroom. Sure enough the light was on under the door. I didn't hear the shower, but I didn't want to be standing here when he came out. He should think I'm snooping in his room or anything. I left the door cracked and went across to Emmett's room instead. Peeking in, I saw the horrific mess that was my teenage boy's bedroom. It smelled…not good. Rolling my eyes, I wondered why I even went in there. He was gross. At least Edward was still pretty clean.

Speaking of Edward, I heard his bathroom door open. I headed towards his door, assuming he would lie back down. What shocked me was when he opened his bedroom door and stood face to face with me.

"Oh, I'm sorry," I laughed awkwardly, hoping I didn't scare him.

He stared at me for a moment longer than normal, not looking scared exactly, but looking a little like he was going to put up a fight. I took a step back, I didn't want to look intimidating at all to him. Edward blinked rapidly and shook his head a little, moving back into his room.

"Bad timing, huh?" He didn't answer.

"If you want to sit down on the couch, I'll get you all set up." He nodded weakly and turned towards the couch. He wasn't even holding his arm, it was just hanging stiffly beside him.

I adjusted the length and fit of the sling around Edward's arm, instructing him on how to take it on and off and when to where it. He seemed like he was listening, if not unenthusiastic.

"You know I've done this before right? Its fine in a few weeks on its own…" he told me quietly.

"Hopefully this will get you healed up faster, and it'll cause you a lot less pain." He nodded, but I wasn't quite done yet. I had planned on doing this earlier, but now seemed like as good of time as any.

"Actually, I needed to talk to you about this Edward. I'm afraid that multiple dislocations probably mean you need further medical treatment. The ligaments are most likely loose, but there could be several other problems as well that I'd like to make sure are taken care of. I'd like to take you into the hospital here in town and do an x-ray." I paused, wanting him to respond. Of course, it was Edward, so he stayed silent. He looked at the ground. I waited. Nothing.

"Edward? Are you okay with this?" He was thinking. Hard. I waited for him to come up with an answer, but he didn't. All of a sudden he just got up and went back out the door. He was gone.

"Okay…"

EPOV

This sling thing was annoying. I was fine without and it was frustrating that Carlisle was deciding what was best for me, without my input. I knew how this worked, I had taken care of my shoulder, not to mention the rest of me, for a long time now and it was annoying that he was trying to tell me I was doing it wrong.

Whatever. I knew I shouldn't start anything, he didn't need a reason to be mad at me. So I got up and went downstairs to the kitchen, knowing it would be noticed if I didn't eat. I skipped breakfast.

Esme was in the living room, I tried to sneak by but she caught me, of course.

"How are you feeling?" she asked eagerly. It was actually kind of cute how enthusiastic she was. I appreciated how hard she was trying. I should try harder.

With that in mind, I put an actual sentence together.

"I'm okay, a little bit hungry," I lied, hoping this would make her happy. Food actually sounded pretty gross right now, but what else was new.

"And what would you like to eat? You've got about forty-five minutes before Dr. Garrison comes."

Oh. Shit. I completely forgot. And they're making me see her after the whole shoulder thing? I definitely should have made a bigger deal about it. I could have gotten out of this if I tried harder.

I shrugged, my enthusiasm lost. I sat in a kitchen chair while she spouted ideas at me. I tried not to look too depressed but really, I didn't care about whatever she was saying and the really sad part about it was, I couldn't think of anything I'd rather be doing. It's like, I know I don't want to be here, about to have a fucking therapy session with this stranger, but I have nothing else good to look forward too. I don't want to sleep because when I do, I dream. I don't want to be alone because then I think about what I dream. I don't want to be with people because they make my freakiness more obvious in comparison. So what was I supposed to do?

A plate of food appeared before me. I looked at it. It looked good. Then I looked up. Esme was already walking away, not looking at me. I suddenly felt terrible. She was trying really hard, and I didn't give a shit.

"Thank you."

She turned and smiled. "You're welcome, honey."

She kept calling me that. Nobody had called me anything besides Edward in a while. Actually he called me 'boy' a lot but that was hardly a term of endearment. I couldn't decide if I liked the name used with me or not. It just felt funny.

When Dr. Garrison got there at ten till three, it suddenly struck me how weird it was that my therapist was coming to me, wasn't it supposed to be the other way around? Wow. I was offended. I must be really messed up for her to make a special house call.

But soon enough I was sitting in the study, I guess it was Carlisle's, across from this woman. I missed having Esme and Carlisle there. They took the attention off of me a little bit. Now it was completely obvious that I was avoiding her gaze.

"I didn't ask last time we met, but is Edward okay? Not Ed or a nickname?"

"Edward." My Mom used to call me Eddie.

"Okay, Edward it is. You can call me Elise or Dr. Garrison, whatever is better for you." Good to know. When was she going to get to her point?

"So Carlisle tells me you did that in your sleep?" she asked, looking at my shoulder. Obviously if he said so, it must be true. Why was she asking me? I didn't answer. She seemed to realize this as she changed topics.

"Edward you know that anything we talk about in here is confidential right? I'm not allowed to tell anybody anything you say unless you give me permission or you tell me you're going to hurt yourself or somebody else."

Yeah, like she wasn't going to go tell Carlisle what went on in here. Sure. They were already a little too buddy buddy for me to believe that.

"Are you liking it here so far? The Cullens?" I shrug nodded. They were fine. "Have you spent much time with Emmett or Alice? It's probably nice having people your own age around."

"No." It was the truth. I didn't see them, nor did I know if it was going to be so great having them around. I'd have to see.

She looked at me then, like she was contemplating something important, before making a decision and saying, "I heard that you didn't feel like going out to town. Do you think you know why that is?"

Jesus, I couldn't talk about anything without them reporting to my shrink.

"Do I have to go somewhere?"

"No. But it seems a little curious that you wouldn't want to explore your new home. Have you been outside yet?"

"Why don't you ask them?" I wasn't planning on being rude this first visit, but consequences be damned, I was irritated with them talking about me. It was making me paranoid.

"I'd rather you tell me." I looked down so I could roll my eyes without her noticing. "Edward, you haven't given me much to go on yet. I'm only using the information I have. Why don't you tell me what you want to talk about."

"I don't really want to talk about anything."

"What would you like to do right now then? If I get up and leave right now, what would you do with your time?" Damn it, she hit the nail on the head with that one. I couldn't answer. I couldn't even lie.

Thankfully, she didn't make a big deal about it and she moved on. "What did you do before you were kidnapped?" I flinched at how casually she brought it up. It wasn't casual. "Did you play any sports? Have any hobbies?"

Did I? I hadn't really thought about that for a long time. Me and my dad went fishing a few times. We used to travel a lot. Just on day trips to different parks and sites in Washington and Oregon. We camped and hiked sometimes. Did that count as a hobby?

"Not really."

"What about school? Do you miss school? What was your favorite subject?" she asked in an excited tone.

That made me think. Actually it made me smile a little bit in a wicked sort of way. I just realized nobody had asked me about school. They probably all assumed I hadn't learned anything since the 3rd grade. While they were right that I hadn't actually _been_ to school, they were mistaken on the other purposes of schooling. For my birthday one year he asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted to go to school. He laughed of course, but he did bring a sort of school to me. He said he didn't want a stupid son. He brought me the materials to basically home school myself, books and computer CD's with lessons on them. They were dated, but most of the information was probably still relevant.

"Why are you smiling?" she asked, smiling herself.

I didn't answer right away, trying to hold in a laugh. They all thought I was below 3rd grade level intelligence. It was a little funny that they had gone on that long thinking that. Although it would be funny when they tried to start teaching me 3rd grade stuff and I could pass high school, I probably wasn't that good of a liar. I decided to enlighten her.

"You know I'm not stupid right?" I laughed again, well more of a chuckle, but still.

"I'm not sure what you're referring to, I don't think you're-" I cut her off, shaking my head and smiling.

"No, I mean, I've done all my schooling. I was like, halfway through 12th grade for the second time when I ran away." I was pretty upset when I finished all the books, so I decided I would redo 12th grade, hoping there was something I forgot.

She looked really confused. "You didn't go to school…."

"Nope." Yep, it was as fun as I thought it was going to be. "I had these homeschooling books. I guess they were supposed to be done with a teacher or tutor or whatever, but I did them myself." I actually did them way faster than normal too. I didn't get them until I was eleven, but I had a lot of time on my hands.

"Do Carlisle and Esme know this?" she asked, sounding almost offended that nobody had told her. I shook my head. I hadn't told anyone.

"Well, I'm sure that will come as a pleasant surprise to them. Are you interested in being tested for your GED?"

"Is that like high school?"

"It's a substitute high school diploma, yes. For students that don't have a traditional schooling."

"I mean, I don't really know why it matters, but I think I could pass it." She smiled, a little condescendingly I thought. I wasn't sure if she was really pleased, or if she thought I was being overly confident. Maybe I was.

"What do you think about college? Do you think that's something you would want?"

Was it? I hadn't really thought about it. Until last week, I thought I was never getting out of his house, college wasn't really in the equation. I didn't know what I would want to do, for a career anyway. I shrugged, not sure.

"Well, as glad as I am that you won't need to be caught up in school, it doesn't really answer my other question. There's a lot more to school than just the coarse work. The social aspect especially, do you miss that?"

"I don't really want to go to high school right now, if that's what you mean." The thought of classrooms full of people was….overwhelming, to say the least. I really just wanted to stay in this house for a while, thanks.

"Well, that's something we can definitely look at later, maybe next year even. Alice will be a junior then, maybe you could go to classes with her?"

Gee, thanks. She hadn't even considered me ready to go to school. I had to wait another ten months before the possibility was even open to me I was so messed up.

"Why do you come here? Don't you normally meet people at an office?" I asked, reminded of my abnormalities again.

She paused for a moment too long, telling me that she had to compose a nice, safe answer to share with me.

"That is the typical way I run a session, yes. Your foster parents and I thought it best if we start off slow however. I think you're more comfortable at this house than….out there, correct?"

I wanted to be offended, but I couldn't. It was trued, and I had told them several times I wanted to stay here. I had to shrug nod again.

There was a silence again, she was obviously deciding where to go from here.

"I'd like to talk about some short term goals for you, Edward." A beat. "You've obviously expressed some discomfort venturing out into town, however I think it would be good for you. I want you to try to leave the house this week, if you're comfortable with it. Go to the grocery store with Esme, go get your x-rays with Carlisle-" I rolled my eyes, amazed at their scheming "-or just go sit on the back porch. Expand your horizons a little. Does that sound sensible?" It did. I nodded, not sure if I would actually do it. "Before I go, I'd also like to talk about what happened with your arm." Again?

"Why do you think you didn't ask for help?"

Because I knew I could do it myself, that's why. I didn't need help, and I didn't want to bother them. It was embarrassing that I had this problem anyway.

"I didn't need help."

"The way I see it, you did. You were going to pop your own shoulder back in, when you had a doctor downstairs. I just want you to know that you have two people that are very willing and eager to help you. You shouldn't hesitate to ask next time." Because apparently there would be a next time.


	5. Chapter 5

AN- So first I want to say thanks to all the people who have left really touching reviews. They make me very happy :)

Also, I'm officially out of the stuff I already had written so it'll be a little slower going from here. I'll do my best to get new stuff out every week, but I'm not going to set up and update schedule exactly. I am a busy college student so I don't know when I'll get weighed down with school work, I just can't promise a regular thing. But I enjoy writing this and I'll do my best not to leave people hanging.

Hope you enjoy and please let me know what you think.

Saturday, November 20th

Saturday morning was a whole new kind of stress.

I woke up early because my shoulder hurt. Carlisle told me I didn't have to sleep with the sling on, so I got up and took a shower fairly easily. I just tried to one-arm everything. Getting dressed was harder though because I had to lift my arm to put a shirt on. I contemplated not putting a sweatshirt on so I only had to do it once, but then looked at my arms. They weren't horrible looking to me anymore, most of the scars had faded. But they were still visible and I didn't want to throw them in people's faces. I was awkward enough.

Being around people was keeping me on my toes. I was used to looking at myself, scars included, but now I had to think about everyone else. What would they think about the lines on my arms, the circles on my wrists? I didn't want them to see me. So I'd have to remember to cover myself.

I waited until around nine, then went downstairs, sling and all.

It wasn't until I got to the bottom of the stairs that I realized what Saturday meant. There were too many voices in the kitchen. Alice and Emmett were there too. Four people to keep track of now. Did I go back upstairs? How long could I hide up there?

_A little bit longer_…

I turned to go.

"Edward?" Esme. Damn it. "Are you hungry?"

I turned. She looked so hopeful and happy.

"Yeah, I guess," I mumbled as I walked into the kitchen with her. Emmett, Alice, and Carlisle were all sitting at the table, already eating.

"Good morning Edward, have a seat," Carlisle greeted me as he himself stood up, holding a coffee mug.

I tentatively sat down in between Carlisle's spot and Emmett. I looked around. Everyone else was still in pajamas and Carlisle had glasses on that I hadn't seen on him before.

"Coffee?" After an awkward pause I realized Carlisle was talking to me.

"Oh, no," I shook my head. "Thanks," I added when I thought that might be rude.

Emmett leaned in closer to me and said with humor in his voice, "Dude, no offense, but I didn't think I'd ever meet somebody paler than Alice. We need to get you some sun, man."

"Emmett!" Esme scolded him.

"What?" Emmett looked shocked.

"That was rude. He's just kidding Edward," she told me.

But the thing was I _wasn't_ offended. It was true. I was pale. Really pale. Never going outside did that to you. I looked at Alice. She was pretty pale too but she had nothing on me. I felt my mouth curve into a smile and then a chuckle escaped me. He was just so blunt. I didn't expect that, especially because everyone else I had talked to had been tiptoeing around me. I felt like that was the real Emmett. He would have said that no matter if I was some random guy on the street or his best friend.

"Ha! He thinks I'm funny, see Mom?" I tried to wipe the grin off my face when I realized they were looking at me, but it was hard.

"I'm not that pale, and if I am, it's so not my fault we live here," Alice countered. And just like that, the attention was off of me.

Emmett and Alice bickered back and forth. I tried to keep up but when Esme put a huge plate of waffles and a glass of orange juice down in front of me, I was distracted. I tried to eat everything on my plate, but it was a lot and I just wasn't that hungry. Eventually Carlisle and Esme rejoined the table and drank coffee while listening to the conversation.

I thought I would feel out of place, but I found it actually wasn't that bad. They weren't making me talk, and I was grateful for that. Right now, at least, everyone seemed to be okay with me just being an observer.

After a while, Emmett and Alice dispersed to get ready for the day and I was left with Carlisle and Esme.

"Edward, I was thinking today would be a good day to get those x-rays out of the way. I don't work today and Esme could come with us if you think that would help. What do you think?"

What did I think? I thought no. X-rays seemed like a horrible idea. I imagined it involved me being touched by strange people and my arm being painfully arranged. I started to shake my head but he interrupted me again.

"I promise no harm will come to you at the hospital. I will be the only one treating you and I'll be with you the whole time. All you have to do is lie down on a table, wait for a few minutes, and then we'll be out of there. We don't even have to wait for the results."

But I still didn't want to actually _go_ anywhere. He didn't seem to get my point.

"Do I have to?"

He hesitated. "I won't force you today, but it is a necessary test, yes." I heard what he meant. Yes, he would force me. If not today, then later.

Twenty minutes later, I was in the car with Carlisle. Just Carlisle, because I had insisted that I didn't need Esme to come. I could do this by myself, thanks. I didn't need her to hold my fucking hand to go out in public.

I was in the front seat of his car and I felt like everybody we drove by was watching me. I didn't make eye contact with any of the other drivers, just in case.

When we were in sight of the hospital, I felt the panic bubble in my chest. I didn't want to do this. I didn't know how to behave in public, I didn't know what to say to people, I didn't know what was going on. Why did I have to do this? It was ridiculous. Why does Carlisle care if my arm is x-rayed? I didn't, so he shouldn't. I would much rather sit in my room, where I felt safe and warm.

He pulled into the lot. My throat seemed to close in a little.

He drove up a ramp into the parking garage. I was dizzy.

He parked. I wanted to throw up.

He unbuckled his seatbelt. I sat. Frozen. Staring at the dashboard.

"Edward? Are you alright?" I didn't answer.

"Everything is going to be fine. You have nothing to be afraid of. Can you get out?" Of course I could. I unbuckled my own seatbelt. Looked at the door handle.

I really didn't want to do this. I couldn't breathe right.

"Calm down. Try to take some full breathes, can you do that?" I looked at him. I didn't want to go out there. I shook my head.

Carlisle grabbed a bag from the back seat, then opened his door and stepped out.

Fuck, was he leaving me here?

He walked around to my side of the car. What was he doing? He opened my door at the same time that I reached for the handle to keep it shut. I was too late.

I was really dizzy now, my mind going way too fast. I knew Carlisle had knelt down next to me, but I couldn't focus on him. My face was hot and I was sweating.

"Edward, I need you to calm down. Everything is fine, you're in no danger. Just breathe. I'm not going to make you get out of the car." He wasn't? Why not? He said he was.

I tried to swallow but it was hard.

"Look at me," he directed. I did. He seemed happy that I could follow the direction. "Good. Now take a big breath." I tried, but it didn't help. I was dizzy and my heart was going really fast. I could feel my heartbeat everywhere. I shook my head. He reached into his bag. What was he going to do to me? God, he was a doctor, he probably had access to all kinds of crazy things I had never even heard of.

"Dr. Garrison gave me this medicine for you, Edward, in case you needed to calm down. Will you take it?" I shook my head. "It's nothing dangerous, I promise. It'll only help your heart rate come down and let you relax." He held up a bottle, pleading. I shook my head. How many times did I have to tell them that I didn't want any pills?

"Son, you need to calm down." Shit. This was it. It was happening again. I should have known this was too good to be true. I _hated_ that name.

I couldn't just sit here and wait for it this time. I had learned my lesson.

I grabbed the bottle of pills from his hand and threw them on the ground. I heard the clicking as they bounced away before I used Carlisle's distraction to my advantage. I jumped out of the car, shoving past him, and ran. I didn't know where I was going, but I didn't want to go in that hospital. I didn't want to go outside either, so I ran away from both the exit and the entrance of the garage.

Once I was up the ramp and around the corner, I turned, looking over my shoulder. Carlisle wasn't following me that I could tell. I kept running anyway, awkwardly as my arm was still in the sling. That, combined with my dizziness, was throwing off my balance and by the time I got to the 'level 3' sign, I was tripping over my feet.

This level was mostly cleared out, but I found a large truck parked on the edge. I slid down against the wall behind the truck so that I was blocked from view of the entrance.

I put my face on my knees, feeling my whole body shake. The wetness from my tears soaked into my jeans.

I sucked in a shaky breath, glad to finally be alone. I still felt a little light-headed, but after a few minutes, I caught my breath and could see straight again.

Shit. What was I doing? I have to live with that man. Now I made him mad. I had been doing pretty well up until now about not misbehaving and retaliating. Now he knew, and he would have to do something to punish me.

I immediately thought of Esme. Guilt went through me when I thought about how disappointed she would be in me. She tried so hard, and I just continuously fucked up. She didn't ask for me to come and live with her. I had pretty much been dumped here, on this perfect family. Maybe it would have been better if I had just stayed with him. Maybe I was selfish for wanting to be part of this life.

I was just so inadequate for this family. Take me and Emmett for instance. He was essentially the perfect child, and I was this freak that couldn't even walk into a hospital. It was ridiculous.

_Oh my god_, he works here. I had forgotten that little fact. I just threw a fit in my guardian's place of work. Great. Just great.

I just wanted to be able to take care of myself so I didn't have to bother these people anymore. But look at me, I panicked at the littlest things, I couldn't feed myself, I couldn't defend myself, I was injuring myself, and I couldn't even pretend to be normal. I couldn't begin to be independent, and they knew it. They held that power over me.

Now the question I had to answer was what Carlisle was going to do with that power. It was his turn to react now. He had given me an opportunity to be normal and I had refused. So now what?

I didn't want this anymore. I was so tired of trying to predict everyone's next move. It was exhausting. I just wanted to choose something for myself and do it, with no repercussions from anybody.

Way before I was ready to face anybody, I heard a voice that brought tears back to my eyes. Tears of sadness, embarrassment, and regret.

"Edward, honey? Are you up here?" Esme asked to the apparently empty garage. I stayed behind the car, but I felt horrible. I had disappointed her, I knew it. Carlisle had called her, told her what I had done, and now she was here to convince me to go into the hospital. I didn't want to go, but she was so nice and caring, could I refuse her? She was probably going to force me anyway. There was no way I could outrun both of them, especially since I was pretty much cornered now.

I was hiding under the bed again, trying to postpone my punishment, or fate, or whatever. It was all the same right now because eventually I would have to get out from behind this car and face her. The longer I waited, the worse it would be.

I stood up.

She had already moved past the truck, continuing to the end of the row.

She was going to be mad. She was going to make me go in there. I was scared. I felt sick.

The next thing I knew, I was doubled over, my good hand on the wall supporting me while I puked up whatever breakfast I had left in my stomach.

Because, of course, what I always wanted was for Esme to watch me vomit, she was soon right next to me, a hand on my back. When I thought I was done, I hesitantly stood up straight, out of breath again.

"Here, honey," she handed me a tissue from her purse to wipe my mouth off with and then a bottle of water. She told me to 'rinse' and I did so, not caring that the bottle was already half drunk.

"You alright?" I just looked at her. I could feel the tears in my eyes coming back.

"I don't want to go in there."

"The hospital? Don't worry, we're not going to try that today. We're going to go home, okay?"

"Aren't you mad?"

She looked confused, and I immediately regretted asking. Of course she was mad. "I'm sorry I ran! I won't run anymore, I'm sorry, I don't know why I did it. Please don't-"

"Shhh, honey, its fine. I know you were just overwhelmed. It's okay." She pulled me into another hug. I stiffened, not at all comforted by it. "I'm not mad. Neither is Carlisle. We're just happy that you're okay." She rubbed my back some as she spoke words I didn't know were possible. "We're just worried about you Edward."

Her words confused me. They gave me hope, but I knew that I shouldn't let hope come into play. It bubbled to the surface though, and I found myself relaxing into her embrace more and more. She was upset. I wanted to comfort her as she was trying to do for me.

"I'm sorry that you're upset. I didn't mean to do that…."

"I know. You haven't done anything wrong. We just need to work on communicating a little bit better, okay? If you weren't ready to do the hospital, you could have said 'no' when he asked. You know that, right? I'm sorry we pushed you." She pulled back from the hug and looked me in the eye.

"You can tell us what you need, okay? We just want to help. Whatever that means. You tell us. It's all up to you now."

I didn't even know what that meant. I couldn't tell her what I wanted or needed, or anything. I just didn't know.

"Do you want to go home now?"

"Is Carlisle there?"

She frowned, looking worried. "Why? He's still downstairs. He called me. He was worried that you weren't comfortable with him…."

"Oh," I nodded, looking down. It wasn't that I was _afraid_ of him, exactly. He just scared me a little bit when he called me _son_. James had called me that sometimes, when he was trying to be nice. I knew it was a cover. I didn't want him to say that anymore.

"_Are_ you uncomfortable with him? Just say the word and he can give you some more space."

"He's fine. He just said something, it scared me." She looked at me like she was waiting for me to continue, but thankfully when I didn't, she didn't press the matter.

"I want to go back home now," I told her quietly. I was exhausted, and I just wanted to brush my teeth and go to bed.

She smiled, softly. "Okay. Let's go."

Soon I was back in my bed, covered up and happy. I wasn't exactly tired yet, but I felt safe here, all wrapped up and warm I wanted to stay here for a long time.

When Esme and I had walked back down to the first level of the garage, Carlisle was there. It was awkward, and when we walked over to Esme's car, Carlisle stayed by his, leaning against the back bumper.

Once I was safely in the front of her car, she said she'd be right back and went back over to Carlisle. I was sure they were talking about me, but I felt oddly okay with that. I didn't think Esme had lied to me when she said she wasn't mad, and the fact that Carlisle hadn't confronted me when I came back down made me feel better. Maybe he wasn't really mad either.

I stayed in my bed for most of the afternoon, watching some TV and then napping. It was nice and I found that I had a whole new appreciation for my space after just that brief outing.

_Outing_. Yeah, more like disaster. What had happened to me? At what point in those eight years had I become so afraid of the outside? I didn't make any sense. Why would being locked up for so long cause me to want to stay inside? Shouldn't I want to go out, run around, explore? It was just weird that I didn't really want what I thought I had wanted for all those years. What did I really want, then?

I guess I had always thought I wanted _freedom_. And that was true. Who doesn't want that? It wasn't fair that James had taken away something that everyone should have, but now that I was _free_, what did I do?

What did I want to do? Esme had asked me. I wanted to do something normal. I didn't really know what that was yet, but when it came to me, I wanted to do it. I wanted to prove to myself that I had some hope left. I wasn't going to spend my whole life sulking in my bedroom. Today had been a disaster. I didn't want to go to sleep with that ending.

So around five, I got up. I went downstairs, pretending that I wasn't scared of what I might find. No, I definitely wasn't nervous. I could do this.

Carlisle and Emmett were sitting on the couch in the living room. I didn't see Alice or Esme. They hadn't seen me yet, and that was good. I took in the situation. Emmett had his feet up on the coffee table, Carlisle was sitting in sweat pants and a t-shirt, looking very relaxed and overall, in a good mood. I could do this. I could walk down there, sit down, and watch TV like a normal person.

So I did. I walked up to the open couch and sat down. And then I pretended I didn't see the shocked look on Carlisle's face.

"Hey man," Emmett says, sounding genuinely pleased by my presence. And a little bit surprised.

I tried to smile a little bit in greeting but it probably came out more like a grimace.

"You feeling alright now?" Carlisle asked. I was going for _normal_, not sickly panic stricken teenager, thanks Carlisle.

"Yeah. Fine."

"Of course he's fine, Dad, or else he wouldn't have come down, would he?" Emmett's attention was back on the TV. They were watching some football game. I didn't really pay attention, but I did watch the screen so they could assume I was entertained.

This was okay. I took inventory of myself. No sweating, no dizziness, hands weren't shaking, and my heartbeat was only a little faster than usual.

Okay. I could do this. Alright.

Suddenly, Emmett stood up and started cheering, loudly. He did a fist pump in the air and hollered some more, clearly excited. I wasn't exactly up to date on the rules of football nor was I playing attention, but clearly something good had happened.

Carlisle also looked pleased, although clearly not as enthusiastic as his son. He nudged Emmett when he didn't sit down after a moment. Emmett looked down at him, still excited. Until Carlisle told him to "tone it down." Carlisle shot me a quick glance, obviously waiting for me to react negatively to Emmett's outburst.

I looked down, embarrassed immediately that he thought I would freak out over some sports game celebration. I felt my face go red.

When it was silent for a moment, I looked back up. Emmett was still standing, communicating silently with his dad. Carlisle was giving him a stern look.

Emmett plopped down, defeated. He rolled his eyes and muttered, "Its fine," under his breathe.

Carlisle was still shooting me curious glances every few seconds, apparently expecting me to blow. It _was_ fine, and I wished he would give me a chance. I wasn't completely fragile. I was more amused at Emmett's outburst than frightened.

The game ended a while later. Emmett's team lost but apparently they 'should have had it.' Carlisle took the remote, turning on the evening news. Emmett watched, not exactly seeming interested.

After a few minutes, Esme came downstairs. It looked like she had been napping. My little episode earlier had probably tired her out. She smiled towards me, looking pleased that I was here. I nodded back.

"Emmett? I ordered pizzas a little bit ago, would you go and pick them up for me?" she asked.

Emmett jumped at the opportunity for something to do, getting up and going to the table where they kept the keys.

Esme chuckled and went to get some money for him from the kitchen. Emmett went to put his shoes on, but stopped and asked me, "Hey, Edward, you wanna come with?"

I felt my jaw drop a little. I was beyond surprised that he would want me to come along.

I knew logically that I had already had one disastrous outing today, I didn't need two, especially in front of a third person, but the goal from earlier was still at the front of my thoughts. I wanted to do something normal, something impulsive, and not freak out. I wanted to redeem myself for earlier. I wanted to show them that I could do this. I would be fine.

This was a perfect opportunity. It was like it had been handed to me. I asked, or wished, and here it was. Something small, but normal. I wanted to go.

"Edward's had a long day Emmett, why don't you just go on and get them." Carlisle responded for me.

"No, I'll go," I said, standing up and pretending like I didn't know what Carlisle was talking about. He looked at me skeptically.

"I don't think that's a good idea-"

"No, it's fine. It's just pizza."

"See? He'll be fine, Dad. Let's go man," Emmett said, tossing my coat to me from the hooks by the door. I caught it awkwardly with my one arm.

Esme came back into the room as I pulled it on.

"Where are you going?" she asked, her face going from contentment to complete seriousness in about half a second.

Emmett answered for me, going to get the money from her hand. "We're going to pick up the pizza. Chill, we'll be back in like fifteen minutes."

"Edward, I don't really want you going out again today. It's dark out and you don't know the town and-"

"Mom, everything is going to be okay," Emmett said slowly, like she could understand English very well. When she scowled at him, he said normally, "He's a big kid, he'll stay in the car. We'll be back soon. No big deal."

It really wasn't a big deal. That's why I wanted to do this. I should be able to do this. I could. Esme looked very scared though and Carlisle looked upset.

"Are you sure, Edward?" Esme asked me.

I nodded. "I'm sure. I'll be fine." It felt funny saying that. It was strange to be reassuring somebody else of my wellbeing. It was strange that they cared.

I slid my shoes on my feet as Emmett had done, and looked back at them, wanting conformation that I was allowed to leave.

"Okay then, he's sure. We'll be back," Emmett said, trying to finalize the situation.

"I want you to call if there's any problem, alright? And be back as soon as you can," Esme called as Emmett and I walked out of the door.

"Mmkay!" He yelled, not turning around, obviously annoyed.

I felt a jolt of excitement, or adrenaline, or something when he motioned to the yellow jeep parked on the driveway. It really was sad that this was so exciting to me. But I had chosen to leave the house, I was getting into a strange car, and somebody was going to drive me to an unknown location. It was all just so huge. I wanted to roll my eyes at the patheticness of that thought.

Once we were both in the giant yellow jeep, Emmett started the car and pulled out of his spot, driving very fast towards the end of the driveway.

"Sorry about them. They're so worried and controlling all the time."

"Oh. Yeah. It's okay." I couldn't tell him they had a very good reason to be.

After a minute of awkwardness, Emmett continued a little hesitantly. "They were like that when I came here too. And Alice. Overprotective, you know? Paranoid."

When he got here? What did that mean? I looked at him, confusion surely clear on my face.

"We're both adopted. They didn't tell you that?"

I shook my head _no_.

He gave a little humorless laugh before continuing. "Yeah. Me first. I was seven. Alice was nine."

"Oh." That changed everything. I wished they had told me that before.

"Yeah. I remember them doing the exact same thing. Always worried and asking a bunch of questions. Hovering. You know?" I did know. "They'll cool it down eventually."

It was silent for a minute before I could find something to say. "That's….good," was the great response I came up with.

Emmett laughed with a little more amusement this time. "Dude, I can't even imagine how much they're annoying you right now. I mean, I was only a little kid and they drove me up the wall. And nothing that bad had even happened to me."

And there it was. That awkward, horrible, giant elephant in the room. I was the freak. He was the normal one. I had been kidnapped. He hadn't. It was easy to ignore when his story still sounded similar to mine. But yes, Esme and Carlisle would freak out over me more because a man had taken me for eight years. Thanks for pointing that out.

"Sorry man. Didn't mean to say that…..I don't really have a filter sometimes, you know?" And that's exactly why I didn't mind Emmett so much. He seemed to say what he wanted and not worry about what other would think or do. Something I needed to learn.

"No, it's okay. Not like I forgot…"

"Yeah, I guess not. Hey man, whatever. Everyone's life is messed up somehow, you know?"

I shrugged. I think I would take pretty much anybody's 'messed up life' in exchange for mine.

"Well we're glad to have you here anyway. It'll be fun having another guy around. Are you gonna go to school?"

"No, I don't think so. I already did this homeschooling stuff, so I'm kinda done with high school," I said, embarrassed.

"Really? That's awesome man, I wish I was done with high school," he sounded legitimately jealous. A part of me wanted to inform him in what conditions I was in when I learned the information, but I let him think nothing of it.

We pulled into a parking lot of what I assumed was the pizza place. Butterflies were back in my stomach automatically, but I tried to squish them down. I didn't want to make a scene with Emmett. He had done a nice job of distracting me the past few minutes.

He parked and said, "Alright man, I'll be right back." I watched him go inside, a cloud of his breath appearing around his head in the cold air.

I fidgeted. Looked around the otherwise empty parking lot. It was quiet and still. I, yet again, couldn't shake the feeling of being watched. Like somebody was in the shadows, looking at me. Waiting for the right moment to strike.

My fingers twitched towards the lock on the door but then I thought better of it. Emmett would probably think that's weird.

I looked up to find him. He was inside at the counter, handing over cash to the young looking guy working there. I kept my eyes on Emmett as he reached into his coat pocket, pulling out his phone and putting it to his ear.

He was still on the phone a minute later when he came back to the car holding two huge pizzas. He managed to get the door open by holding the phone with his shoulder. He climbed in, shoving the pizzas into my lap to hold. I smiled at this, glad he was comfortable enough with me to do that. I'm sure Carlisle or Esme would have put them in the back or something.

"Okay, okay, Mom, I've got to go, I'm in the car…..no, we're fine, be home soon. Yeah, okay, bye." He clicked the phone shut, rolling his eyes yet again. "Relentless…" he muttered. I smiled.

When he shut his door, the smell of the pizza fully hit me and I realized how incredible it was.

"Oh my god…that's…so good," I said, sniffing in between my words. Emmett full out laughed at that, the sound was carefree and happy. It made me smile back.

"Been awhile since you've had pizza?" he asked.

"Mhmm." I couldn't stop breathing it in. My stomach growled.

Once he had pulled out into the nearly empty road, Emmett reached over and slid the top off one of the boxes. He pulled a piece out and started eating.

"Go on man, have some," he said with this mouth full.

"Won't Esme be mad?" I didn't want to start the meal she had bought without her.

"Nah. Go for it." I did. I had _missed_ pizza. I had missed feeling normal, and I liked it.

As it turned out, Esme was a little mad that Emmett had eaten three pieces before he got home. She rolled her eyes and smacked him lightly on the arm. He just chuckled, setting them down on the counter.

"How did it go?" she asked, looking right at me.

"It was thrilling, let me tell ya, so much adventure he didn't know what to do with himself," Emmett answered. Esme rolled her eyes and looked at me again.

"It was fine. I'm fine," I added quietly.

"He likes pizza," Emmett said with his mouth full again. I smiled at his rudeness, or openness, or whatever. It was funny.

After everybody had eaten their fill of pizza, I headed up to my room again. I actually _did_ have a long day, and I was grateful for a rest in my warm, comfy bed. I went to sleep with a goofy grin on my face, a tiny bit proud that I had managed that whole interaction without freaking out. But then I remembered this morning. The two seemed to cancel out each other, so really I was just back at square one.

Sunday, November 21st

When I woke up on Sunday morning, something was wrong. I was sick. Pretty sure. My head. And throat. Yep, sick.

Actually, it was a little annoying, because Carlisle said this was going to happen. I didn't want him to be right about this particular thing. Unfortunately, I couldn't ignore the throbbing and the swollenness.

I got up around ten, groaning when I felt my head pulse under the change in elevation. By the time I was out of the shower, I was pretty much done with moving around, but I knew somebody would be up to get me soon if I didn't make an appearance downstairs.

Once in the kitchen, I regretted coming down. Instantley.

First, I heard a gasp. Then Esme was right in front of me, her hand on my face.

"Edward, you look awful! What hurts?"

After looking around, it was only Alice and Esme in the kitchen this morning. I was glad the other two wouldn't witness this.

I shook my head, embarrassed by her worrying, but it hurt my head so I stopped.

"It feels like you might have a fever. Go sit down and I'll get the thermometer," she instructed. I didn't want her to fuss over me, but I really did want to sit, so I did what she asked.

When she came back brandishing a thin glass rod, I tried to refuse it. I didn't remember my temperature ever being taken like this. At the hospital, they had one they put in my ear and that had freaked me out enough.

"Honey, is it your stomach? Have you been coughing? What's the matter?" I glanced up at Alice who was also sitting at the table. She had a mug in front of her and was watching, concern in her eyes. I was embarrassed to be weak in front of her. I wanted her to think I was normal, or at least able to take care of myself. When my stare lingered too long, she looked away, down at her coffee. Hopefully she understood my request for some privacy.

"Uh, my throat hurts. And my head. It's like…" A balloon? That sounded stupid but was true.

"Like what?" she prodded.

"It's like heavy? It feels funny." I hadn't been sick for as long as I could remember. I had the chickenpox a few months before I was taken, but that was really the only time I could remember.

"Okay, it's probably just a cold. Will you let me take your temperature?" I eyed the little device warily.

"Just open your mouth and hold it under your tongue." I did as she asked, feeling beyond dumb sitting there with this thing in my mouth.

Esme dug around in a cabinet for a minute, pulling out some bottles and reading the labels. Alice was still at the table, but she was at least pretending to read the paper and not staring.

After a few minutes, Esme came back and took the dreaded thing out, then informed me that I had a fever of 100.2. I didn't know if that was bad, but she seemed concerned nonetheless.

"I'm going to call Carlisle, he'll want to know."

"Is he working?" she nodded, dialing the phone. "No, please don't bother him at work, I'm fine, really." I had already caused trouble yesterday at his hospital, I didn't need to do it two days in a row.

"Honey he won't mind," she said with a smile I imagined was supposed to comfort me. I looked at her, pleading with her not to while shaking my head, despite how it hurt.

She sighed before thankfully hanging up the phone.

"Did you feel bad yesterday? You should have said something."

I tried to remember, but I was distracted with other things yesterday, not to mention I hadn't really felt well since I got to the hospital a week ago. I shook my head, telling her no.

"Alright….are you hungry?"

I shook my head, just barely.

"Well let's get you back upstairs to bed then, okay?" I should have stayed up there in the first place. She followed me up and I hoped she didn't think I didn't notice how she brought a bottle of blue medicine with her.

When we got to my room, she sat down at the end of my bed while I sat up by my pillows.

"Edward, you feel bad right? You feel sick?" I nodded at her strange question. "I'd like you to take some of this medicine so you feel better. It's still in the bottle, you can read it for yourself if you'd like. It'll help with the headache and it's meant to soothe your throat. It's not going to put you to sleep or make you feel funny or anything."

"Can't I just sleep? I'll probably feel better after that…" I tried to convince her.

She looked at me a little funny, like she was trying to figure me out. I just didn't like medicine, that really was all she should read into it.

"Why won't you let yourself feel better? You're safe here, you don't have to be scared of things like this."

Scared? I think I had a right to be scared. And I didn't want to have to explain it to her. She didn't know anything about this. I could be scared if I wanted to, in fact I think it's best if I stay scared.

I looked away, done talking with her.

"I'm going to leave this here, on this table, if you want to take some. Is there anything else you need?" I didn't answer. "Okay. I'll be back in a few hours to check on you, alright?" she sounded kind of sad that time.

When she was gone, I looked at the bottle of blue Tylenol Cold and Flu. I was scared of it. That was so sad and pathetic. Little kids probably had no problem taking that. I picked up the bottle, huffing, and read the back. Minor aches and pains, headache, sore throat. There it was. I had all of those things, and I wanted them to go away. Why couldn't I just drink some of this blue stuff? What was wrong with me?

I put the bottle down, turned off the light, and curled back up under my covers. I had trouble going to sleep though. My thoughts kept going to reasons why I was so scared of everything. I didn't want to think about what had made me this way.

So I did something that I didn't want to do anymore, but it made my thoughts go away from that house and back into the present. The now. Where I wanted and needed my mind to stay if I was going to fall asleep.

I dug my nails into the tender skin of my lower stomach, so hard that I knew they would leave marks, if not draw blood. But I still left them there for a long time, focusing hard on the stinging sensation and doing my best to concentrate on keeping the pressure steady. I had learned this a long time ago, sometimes doing it on the backs of my legs, but usually on my stomach. I had a little field of lines there from all the times I had held it too long, but it helped to keep me grounded.

Eventually the distraction was enough to lull me to sleep. When I heard knocking, I realized my hand was still down on my stomach, with the possibility of there being blood. I couldn't get up now, they would see. So I had to stay quiet, pretend I was asleep.

It was hard. I had been trained by James _not_ to do this, and I almost gave in when Esme came in and patted my back, trying to wake me. When I didn't respond, she lightly took my sling off, pulling it gently over my head and then resting my arm to my side, supported on a pillow.

A while later, I got up and went to the bathroom, washing off the small amount of blood that was still on my stomach.

While the water ran and I cleaned the blood from underneath my fingernails, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I didn't look at my face, but my hands, through the mirror. I clamped my eyes shut, bracing myself. I hadn't looked at myself in years. There was a mirror in the bathroom in James's house, but I had gotten in the habit of avoiding myself whenever I was close enough to look. I didn't like what I saw. So I didn't look. I had seen snippets of my reflection in other things since I had left, the car window, the blank TV screen, the microwave door, but I hadn't really _looked_ at myself.

I wanted to know. I wanted to see, really see, what that man had done. The culmination of eight years under his watch, what had it made me? I was about to find out.

Still leaned over the sink with the water running, I looked up. I kept my eyes shut, building myself up to the moment. Was I ready for this? No, but I wanted it anyway. I wanted to know.

So I opened my eyes.

What I saw, it confused me. I saw my dad. I looked so much like him, really. The green eyes, the reddish brown hair, the jaw. It was all his. But the rest, it was _his_. James's. He had given me the purple circles under my eyes, the thin, too thin, cheeks, the yellowing bruise on the side of my face that was almost healed yet far from gone, the pale skin color, and the scar on my eyebrow.

I turned my face from side to side, experimentally. I was a different person now.

I looked like shit.

I didn't want to look at this strange mixture of my real dad and the man who had stolen me anymore, so I didn't. I closed my eyes, finished washing my hands, and returned to my bedroom.

How long would it take, for me to rid myself of that man?


	6. Chapter 6

Ch. 6

EmPOV

Edward Masen. He was an interesting one, that's for sure. He's only been here for one week and in that week, he had really made me think.

Carlisle and Esme took a mysterious trip last weekend, abruptly leaving Alice and me to fend for ourselves that Sunday. The call we got later that afternoon was, to say the least, shocking.

_I happened to closest to the phone when it rang and even through Alice tried to race me to it, I easily held her back and said, "Hello?"_

"_Emmett, hey. What are you guys up to?" Dad asked._

"_Nothin' much, eating lunch. What about you two, find anything interesting on your little escapade?" _

_He scoffed, "It's hardly an escapade, Emmett. And yes we do have something interesting to tell you. Is Alice with you?"_

"_Yeah."_

"_Can you put me on speaker phone?" Weird. I went to the table, sat, and put the phone on speaker. Alice sat next to me, looking highly confused. _

"_Ok go for it."_

"_Alright, this may come as a bit of a shock, but your mother and I are currently at Seattle Children's Hospital. You guys remember Mr. Johnson, correct?" He was the social worker who brought us Alice. Nice enough guy. _

"_Yeah, of course," Alice said. _

"_Well he called us last night. He wants us to be the foster parents for another child. A boy. Well, he's 16." He sounded nervous, weird for Carlisle. _

_I stared at the phone, surprised and trying to work it out logistically in my head. _

"_Ohh that would be great! What's his name?" Alice said, excited already. I thought she was a little prematurely happy, they didn't even say if they were going to do it yet. _

"_His name is Edward. Emmett? What do you think about this?"_

"_I mean, I don't really know. Is this like a permanent thing?"_

"_If everything works out in the next few hours, and you two agree, he would hopefully be coming home with us for good, as long as he was agreeable."_

_Why would he not be agreeable? Was he being difficult already?_

"_What's he like? He's from Seattle?"_

"_Yes…we haven't actually met him yet. We wanted to discuss this with you before making any big decisions. I don't really want to tell you details over the phone, but you should know that he's had a…difficult past. He won't be like any other 16 year old right away, I'm afraid."_

"_Difficult? What kind of difficult past?" I asked him. That didn't sound good. I knew my Mom would want to help him, but were we really up to that? _

"_Listen guys, Esme will be home tomorrow sometime to talk to you about all of this. I really don't want to try to explain over the phone."_

"_Is that why he's in the hospital?" Alice wondered. _

"_It's part of the reason, yes. Your mother and I have talked about this and we believe that we can help this boy and that he can be happy in our home. That's really all it boils down to right now and we hope you two can trust us and be on board with this."_

"_I think it's a great idea," Alice said simply, her mind made up. _

_I mean, if they thought it was fine, I should trust them, right? What's the worst that could happen? He could be really weird or crazy or something but I didn't have to be best friends with the guy, or he could be really demanding on my parents, but let's face it, Alice and I were pretty much grown. We didn't need all of their time anymore, and if they wanted to do this, that was okay with me. I guess. Who knows? I could turn out being good friends with the guy. _

"_Emmett?" Dad asked, waiting for my decision. _

"_I mean, I'm on board if you guys are. I'm sure it'll be fine."_

When mom did come home the next day and told us who this kid really was, I felt mislead in a way. Edward _Masen_. The kid who had been a part of the huge murder/kidnap scandal in Seattle? That was who was coming to live with us? Maybe they should have mentioned that.

I guess I should have recognized the name, I mean how many Edwards were 16 year olds in Seattle now a day, but still. They could have said something.

Esme told us about him, as much as she knew. But that left a lot of unanswered questioned. So yeah, I Googled him. Shoot me.

The shit I found on there was unbelievable. There were pictures of the house he was kept in. Now it had police tape and cop cars surrounding it, but it looked so normal other than that. It freaked me out to know that something so horrible had gone down in a house like that.

There was a mug shot of the man who had done it…kidnapped him. Again, he looked _normal_. He didn't exactly look like a nice guy, more like a grumpy middle aged next door neighbor or something, but still. I would never have picked him out to be a kidnapping murderer.

I read a few articles about the case. There wasn't much new information. Most of it was just a recap of what had happened eight years ago plus a "The surviving victim, Edward Masen, who was thought to be dead, reappeared on Saturday morning. Reportedly, he ran to a neighbor's house, who then called the police. James Owen's was identified as the man who had held Edward captive since the death of his parents in 2002 and was arrested Saturday morning. Masen is now being cared for at a local hospital."

It was beyond bizarre that this kid, a national news story, was now a part of my life. He would be coming to my house in a few days to live with us. He wouldn't be just a news story, he would be in my life.

When Esme told us about the media attention and warned us not to go spreading information of Edward around town, I instantly felt guilty for reading about him. The media was obviously going to be an enemy here, as soon as they figured out where he was it was sure to be trouble. Now I was just another person supporting their invasion into his privacy. Hopefully, he would have some time before they found out where he was.

And then Dad's statement aired. He looked pretty good, very professional and he spoke clearly but kept it short. He said that Edward was doing well but was not going to be taking questions or making a statement. He asked them to give him some space and respect the family's wishes of privacy. Yeah right. And now, surely people would be able to find him through Dad.

When Edward got here, he looked like he had been through hell. I guess he had, but I just hadn't pictured him being in such rough shape. I had seen the cute little kid picture on the news- the one that was used in the missing person's stuff. The Edward now didn't really look anything like that.

The guy was quiet, that's for sure. I think I heard a total of like five words from him in the first few days. Alice and I rarely saw him, and I wondered if he was spending all of his time sleeping or if he was scared to bother us.

Mom and Dad had warned us that he might need some space and that we weren't to bother him. Let him come to us type deal, but it was a little bit frustrating.

When he came down for breakfast on Saturday, he looked so nervous and freaked, I really wanted to cheer him up a little. So I made a stupid joke, not thinking about it what it meant. A pale joke? About someone who had forcibly been inside for eight years? Yeah, good one. Mom and Dad were pissed and I was scared for a minute, but thankfully, Edward grinned and chuckled a little.

I couldn't help but be thrilled that he thought I was funny. I wanted him to like me. I found myself trying to think of more things to say to make him laugh, but I came up with nothing. Everything seemed stupid and unimportant. So I didn't talk to him anymore, until that night.

When I came to stay with Esme and Carlisle, I was only seven years old, so I didn't exactly mind so much that they were way overprotective. At least at first, but when school came around, they were all over me about everything. It was highly annoying. I recognize now that they were just trying to keep me safe, but in the moment I would have sworn they were trying to punish me.

So when Carlisle started shushing me, it brought back some residual anger. Edward didn't need life to be censored. He needed to see things for what they really were, and if that freaked him out at first, well he would have to get used to it.

He had been smothered for way too long as it was, he deserved to have an honest experience here. So I had to get him out.

The pizza thing was probably a little lame for his first outing, but whatever. Got to start somewhere.

Carlisle obviously didn't want him out, but luckily let it go in hopes of avoiding an awkward confrontation.

Edward was a little….jumpy. To say the least. But I talked to him on the drive and he, while sometimes reluctant to answer, let the conversation distract him. He even made a vague comment about the whole kidnap thing. It was like he _wanted_ to talk about it, but didn't think anybody wanted to hear it. At least he wasn't pretending like it didn't happen or something.

I tried to hurry when getting the food. I didn't want to leave him alone when he was obviously freaked out, but I also didn't want to baby him.

He was an interesting one, that's for sure. I wanted to watch him…not in a creepy way, but something in me just wanted to understand him. He was all dark and misunderstood…it was just intriguing.

I got a mouthful after he went upstairs about _pressuring him to go out. _I didn't think I was pressuring him. He wanted to go, right? I was just giving him an opportunity.

"He was totally fine, you guys are overreacting," I told them, hoping to cool them down.

"Even if he _was_ fine, the fact remains that he is in a fragile state of mind at the moment and he doesn't need these spur of the moment outings, especially when he doesn't have hardly any experience leaving this house _or_ with you for that matter. He needs to set the pace right now, not you," Dad told me, clearly getting more and more upset the longer he had to think up reasons.

"I didn't make him do anything! I just asked, he could have said no. I didn't _force_ him to go." This conversation was ridiculous. I was sitting on the couch, Mom and Dad both standing in front of me with their arms crossed like I was a little kid getting a scolding.

"He might not understand that he can say no right now," he came back at me.

"So what, you're just going to let him sit up in his room until he figures out that he can leave on his own? That could take forever."

"Then it'll take forever Emmett, we'll encourage him, but it needs to be his choice."

"Ever think that he might just need to be treated like a normal person? He doesn't need all this analyzing. Just let the guy do what he wants."

"He's not just a black and white case Emmett, he's not like you."

"You don't know that-"

"No. He's not like any other kid. He hasn't had the same experiences as you, he hasn't been taught the same things as you. You have to face the fact that he will need to move at a slower pace."

I looked at him. He wasn't giving him a chance. I wasn't saying that Edward could do everything just like any other teenager, but he's earned the right to try.

"Whatever," I said as I stood up and went to the stairs. "I think he deserves a little more credit. By the way, he told me that he's already done high school, so I don't think he's as _inexperienced_ as you think he is."

EPOV

Monday, November 22

Monday at 3:00 p.m. found my in Carlisle's office again, talking to Dr. Garrison. I think I spent more time in here than him. She was a bundle of fun today, barely saying hello before she jumped right into it.

"Tell me about your medicine." She looked at me.

"What medicine?"

"Well..." she looked at her paper, "There's the pain medication for your concussion and dislocated shoulder, the Ativan for your panic attacks, the cold medication, and the sleeping pills. You can pick one to talk about if you want."

"You think I need all of those?"

"No, you don't _need_ any of them, because you haven't taken them and you are still here, however I believe that all of these, given in the right circumstances, would help you."

"Well I don't want to take anything." I said simply, looking away from her analyzing eyes.

"I gathered that. Why?" I shrugged. "It's a valid choice to want to deal with minor medical problems without the use of medication, to an extent of course, if that choice is made for the right reason. I'm wondering what your reasoning is." I shrugged. She opened her mouth to protest so I quickly gave a more vocal answer.

"I just don't want to. I have to have a _reason_?"

"Something influenced this decision. Have you had a bad experience with medication?"

I glared at her this time. She obviously knew that I didn't want to talk about this. So clearly there was a bad experience. Duh.

She stared right back. Fine. "Yes." I said.

"Will you tell me about it?"

"No."

Without missing a beat she went on, not surprised at all. "Like I said, you may have perfectly valid reasons for not wanting it, however I would like you to consider something else." Instead of continuing, she asked another question. "Did you _enjoy_ having a panic attack in the parking garage?"

I didn't reply, but she knew the answer. "Ativan would have helped you in that situation. It would not have put you to sleep or made you defenseless. It simply would have calmed your heart rate enough for you to be able to see things more clearly, not to mention ease the other effects of your anxiety."

She paused, and I couldn't help but resent her for telling me how I should feel about this. She had no idea, how could she judge me and my decisions when she knew nothing about my reasoning for this.

"Edward," she said, softer than before and leaning forward. "I know that you are scared of giving up your control, but I think that if you tried, you would see that it would _help_ you, not hinder." She paused while I said nothing. "How about this. You try it out for yourself. Don't wait until you're already panicked. Take one while you have some time to yourself, up in your room. Close the door and just try it out. See what it makes you feel like. If you like it, keep it in mind for later, if not you don't have to take it again."

It pissed me off that she thought I wasn't trying. I was trying. This was hard to just sit here. I didn't like being in this room with her, I didn't like talking to people, I didn't like anything really other than hiding under the covers in my room. So yeah, I was trying. The fact that I was here was all the proof she should need. But apparently that wasn't enough.

"I'll think about it." No way I was giving her a definite answer.

"Thank you, that's all I'm asking." She smiled and leaned back, writing something on her paper. I couldn't help but squint my eyes at her in annoyance. She had a job to do, she had done it, now she was just so pleased with herself. She hadn't really done anything. This was still easy. When was she going to get to her real questions?

She looked a little smug still, so I tried to knock her down from that pedestal. Just a little.

"So when are you going to ask what you really want to know?" How long was she going to keep up this beating around the bush stuff? It was a little annoying and it made me feel more awkward, like I was hiding something.

"And what do you think I want to know?"

I could play that game. If she wouldn't say it, I would.

"When are you going to ask about _him_? How he treated me, what he did to me, how did he made me _feel_?" Those questions weren't really the worst ones she could ask. If she knew the right questions, I wouldn't be so confident right now.

"Are those things you would like to talk about?" I didn't answer because I assumed it was a rhetorical question. "I'm trying to start you off a bit easy, Edward. I realize you've never done this before, and until last week, you've never even heard of me. I'd like you to trust me a little before I go asking those questions. Do you agree?" I shrugged. "The things we're talking about now are important as well, and I assume easier to answer. Which brings me to my next topic." She paused, as if waiting for me to confirm that she could move on. Whatever.

"Let's talk about testifying against James Owens." I, embarrassingly, flinched. I'm sure she saw it, but she moved on anyway. "Have you come to a decision about that?"

"I don't want to ever be in the same room as him." I would testify if I didn't have to. If I did, then I wouldn't. She probably already knew that.

"Reasonable. Do you understand what it would mean to testify?"

"Esme said he would be there, so I don't want to."

"I recognize that, but I think it would be best if you were fully informed on the choices you have in regards to the legal proceedings. Soon, we will need to set a date for the Seattle Police Department to come here and interview you. Before that happens, I would like you to meet with the Cullen's attorney and go over the questions that are going to be asked."

She went on to explain what testifying meant, that I would appear for a court date during his trial in a few months, I would be questioned by both sides, he would be there, he wouldn't talk to me but his attorney would, there would be a jury and other people in the courtroom, listening. My testimony might take several days to go through, Carlisle and Esme could be with me, I could take breaks and go at my own speed.

She was obviously trying to make it sound more appealing than it really was. To be honest, I didn't want to do any of that, but if James wasn't there, I would feel obligated to do it. The fact that he was going to be there was a nice excuse I could use to get out of the rest of it. I refused to see him anymore so the rest didn't matter.

"If you choose not to testify, you will still need to give a statement to the police. You won't have to go anywhere or see Owens, but your account will not be nearly as useful in the trial."

Something was bothering me about all of this. "I don't understand why they need me anyway. Isn't murder worse than kidnapping or whatever? Why do they even need to know what happened after that?"

She looked at me, almost sadly, and didn't answer for a moment. When she did, it was clear that she was holding something back, only giving me part of the story.

"Edward, you happen to be the only witness to the murders also. I'm not a legal expert, but I do know that it will be much harder to get him even on the murder charges without your testimony. There is other evidence, but the best chance of putting him in prison for the longest time is with your testimony."

Blood drained from my face and I felt my head spin with those words. He could get out? I hadn't known that. All those people at the hospital kept saying that he could never hurt me again…I thought that meant he would be locked up forever. As soon as he got out, he would come straight for me, I knew that.

"That doesn't mean they can't convict him Edward. It's your choice whether to testify or not. It's completely up to you." Yeah, I knew that. I had already made my decision. I couldn't see him again. Even if I went, as soon as I was sitting in front of him, I knew I wouldn't be able to say the truth. I couldn't blame him while he was watching.

"What are you thinking?"

"I can't testify in front of him. Sorry if that screws up the trial or whatever, but I don't want to and I can't."

"I could help you, Edward. We could prepare, go over the questions, know your answers, prepare you for facing him…you _can_ do this, if you want to." I shook my head. She didn't know.

"Okay….well like I said, we need to pick a day for the police to come regardless. If you change your mind, it won't be too late, okay?" I nodded.

"Do you feel like you could give a statement to the police soon?"

"Yeah. I want to get it over with."

"You do?" she sounded surprised.

"Can we do it soon? Like this week or something?"

"Sure…but you don't have to rush this. You can wait until-"

"Until what? I feel better about this? Nothing's going to change. What he did is done. There's no use waiting for anything."

She paused again, this time looking a little shocked that I had gotten so irritated.

"Okay. I'll tell Carlisle he can call and set up the appointment for later this week?" she asked. I nodded, giving her permission to tell Carlisle.

It was annoying how people couldn't make up their minds about this. They wanted me to move on, to get used to this whole new life but then they kept bringing this shit up. Every other day I was in here with this lady, talking about all the stuff I was trying to forget.

"Edward, you're right that what he did is done. There is no changing what happened. But maybe one day you will be able to accept what happened and move on. I'm not saying that you need to be okay with what happened. The goal of these sessions is to get you to have some hope, even coming out of the awful situation you were forced into. To be able to live your own life, be happy and successful and not think about the negatives of this situation, but what you can make of it. You'll get there one day Edward. You can be happy with life. You just have to let yourself."

I didn't want to think about being happy. I wasn't. Just like when I was locked in that room, I didn't think about getting out when I could help it. I wasn't, so why pretend or fantasize? It just made real life more painful.

When I walked into the kitchen for dinner, only Emmett and Esme were there. They didn't see me right away. Esme was by the stove, preparing the food and Emmett was there but seemed to be hindering the cooking process. He was stealing carrots from a bowl full of the vegetable and potatoes.

I looked at the cliché picture in front of me. Mother and son, him misbehaving and her scolding playfully. I wanted that. So bad. I wanted it to be me and my mom. I wished she could have seen me grow up. I wished I could have grown up, period. Instead, I was thrown into some aspects of adulthood way too early and others never at all. My life was so unbalanced.

I wanted to be Emmett. I wanted his life, his relationships, his experiences. I wanted to not have my memories and have his instead. I hated that I couldn't wipe out my brain and start over. Why did memories have to stick like they did? It wasn't fair.

Out of nowhere, I felt something bounce off my face. Looking down, I saw a carrot roll away from my foot. My mouth was wide open in shock when I looked back up and saw Emmett grinning at me. He threw a carrot at me. What the hell?

But then he laughed, and I had to smile. It was so random, and casual, and…comfortable.

"Nice of you to join us," he said sarcastically. "Have a carrot." He threw another at me. I was ready this time and caught it.

"Emmett! Stop wasting my food! Wait until dinner is ready."

I smiled again, bending down to pick up the other carrot that he threw at me. When I stood back up, Emmett was still looking at me expectantly, as if waiting for me to retaliate.

They were trying. Harder than I was. They wanted me to have a good life too, and I was over here feeling sorry for my pathetic existence. Emmett was trying to help me into his life. The least I could do was try to enjoy it.

So I threw the carrot back at him. It hit him on the jaw. For a second I thought he was going to catch it in his mouth. He looked shocked for a moment before turning to Esme and saying in a voice more appropriate for a ten year old, "Mooommm, Edward threw a carrot at me!" I knew he was joking, but I was still offended that he would tell on me.

"I'm sure you deserved it," she said in an uninterested voice, focused on her meal again. Emmett looked at her like she had just committed a horrible act of betrayal.

And for the first time in way longer than I could remember, I laughed. Not a chuckle, not a humorless scoff, a laugh. It sounded odd, but good. It felt good too.

"Well what do you know? He _can_ smile," Emmett lightly mocked. That shut me up and he chuckled a bit before saying, "Come on man, help me set the talbe. I'm fucking hungry."

"Language!"

Tuesday, November 23rd

I woke up in a strangely good mood on Tuesday, despite the irritating session with Dr. Garrison the day before…with another one promised for tomorrow. I took a shower and got dressed like usual, heading downstairs for breakfast.

Esme, Carlisle, and I had eggs and bacon. Afterwards, Esme let me help her with the dishes. It felt rude never helping her with the cleaning when she made these nice meals for me. I had offered on other occasions, but she insisted that she wanted to do it. After a little prodding, telling her I wanted to feel useful, she agreed.

"Edward…can I ask you something?" Uh oh. That didn't sound good. After a shrug, she went on, "Emmett mentioned something to us the other day but…how much schooling have you had?" she sounded confused.

"Oh…um. Why?" I wondered if she was going to try to make me go to school or something. I didn't want to go.

"Well you know it doesn't matter to us, we'll help you catch up if that's it, but Emmett sort of indicated that you've had more than one would expect…."

I figured Dr. Garrison would have told them by now. I guess she actually kept that to herself for once.

"Yeah, I had these books for homeschooling or whatever…"

"Yeah? What did you learn? What subjects, I mean."

"Uh…I did math, science, english, and history I guess."

"Really? What was the last thing you did in math?" she hedged, obviously not believing that I didn't need more education.

"I think the last section in it was pre-calculus? I don't know, he brought me the books a long time ago, some had CD's with them…"

She paused and looked at me, confused. "You had a computer?"

"It didn't have internet." I knew what she was thinking. Why didn't I use it to get out? The police at the hospital asked me that as well…they didn't know about the computer, but they asked why I hadn't ran before.

It wasn't like I didn't want to run. I did. But he told me a long time ago that if I did, he would find me and then I would be in trouble. I didn't have anywhere else to go, what was the point of running? Where would I run to? I never really had an opportunity anyway. Whenever I was out of my locked room, he was there, close enough to watch me or see me try to get out. I was too little to overpower him for a long time, by the time I could, I didn't see the point.

The day I did run, I only did it because I panicked. I had hurt him, badly. I didn't want him to wake up and be angry with me. I had never fought back before. I didn't know what to do, so I bolted, not thinking of the consequences. To be honest, I'm still a little surprised at myself for doing it. It scared me to think about what he would do if he got me now.

"Honey, you know that's not what I meant, right?" Esme drew my attention back. She looked sad. "I only meant that I didn't know you knew about computers is all. You have one in your room, have you used it?" I shook my head. I didn't really know that much, I wasn't on it that often. Sometimes James felt bad when he was gone for long days. He took trips sometimes and would leave me in the room the whole time. He moved an old computer up there before one of them, not that it did me a lot of good.

"Well feel free to mess around on it, it's yours," she smiled.

"What happened with…his house?" I asked the question before I thought through what she would read into it. I want to take it back but she had already heard. She had put down the dishes by now, as had I, abandoning all pretenses of cleaning up breakfast.

"I know the police were there and it's being used for evidence for the trial but…I don't really know what will happen after it's all over. You'd be better to ask Carlisle, he keeps up on the legal matters more than I do."

I didn't like the thought of that at all. Police in my room, seeing where I had been kept for so long, touching things that only I had touched, seeing where he had ruined my childhood, I didn't want to think about that being out there…in _evidence_. That was my space.

"Why? Was there something you wanted?" she asked, quietly this time. Gently, like she was afraid I would break.

"No." I said it right away, with no thought. I didn't want to see anything from that house, ever again. I wanted it to be burned to the ground so nobody could see what I had seen. I didn't want others knowing anything about it.

I spent most of the day up in my room. I took a nap, watched some TV, ate some lunch and by the time Alice and Emmett got home from school, I had all but forgotten about the chat me and Esme had in the kitchen that morning.

When I came down around five for dinner, Alice was in the living room, talking on the phone. Luckily she was pretty immersed in a conversation about someone who was "really tall with excellent hair" and she didn't notice as I passed through into the kitchen.

I was helping Esme set the table again when I heard something to stop me dead in my tracks.

"Hey Mom! Come here, Edward's on the news again."

I froze. I felt Esme's eyes on me. I listened, and I could hear the TV on in the living room. Looking up slowly, I looked at Esme's shocked and worried face. She didn't say anything though, not that I would listen. I put the plates I was holding down with a bang and took three giant steps towards the living room.

"Edward, wait, don't watch that," she tried to warn me, but I wasn't listening and I was faster than her.

But it wasn't my face I saw on the screen. It was his. James was right there, on the five o'clock news, for the world to see. It looked like it had been taken in jail, but that didn't stop the smug grin that I knew so well from appearing on his face.

Some news lady was taking but I couldn't hear over the pounding of blood in my ears. I felt my breathes become shorter. I tore my eyes away from that man's face, never wanting to look at him again.

I looked at Alice instead. She was looking at the screen. At James. She was seeing him and I wanted to smash that TV. She should never have seen him. I didn't want that man's face inside her brain, period.

Slowly, she turned to look at me. There were tears in her eyes.

She knew.

She had seen. I bolted. I was up the stairs before Esme could even call out my name. I ran up the second flight and down the hall to my room. I slammed the door and for the first time, locked the door. How's that for irony. I had locked myself in.

Tears were already coming down my face, I wanted nothing more than to hide under the bed again. But I wouldn't do that, not anymore.

Instead I went to the window, throwing the curtains open for the first time since I shut them the first day I was here. I looked out into the woods behind the house. I didn't know what I was looking for, I knew he was in jail. The TV had just shown me that.

When I didn't see anything, I shut them again sat down against the wall, waiting for my eyes to readjust to the dark.

I wrapped an arm around my legs, holding them tight. I about to fall apart, I just knew it. I tried to take some deep breathes, but it hurt to inhale too deeply.

Esme was at my door, knocking gently and asking me to come to the door. I couldn't do it, I couldn't face them knowing that they knew.

Now that I thought about it, it was stupid of me to think that they hadn't seen him before, but I didn't like the conformation. I watched Alice see him. Little tiny enthusiastic Alice, she had been tainted by that man's face. Worse, she knew the face that haunted me every day.

Maybe I was embarrassed, or scared, or mad that she had seen him, but I never wanted to face her again. I was going to stay in my room. I knew how to be in my room. I knew how to sit here and let my mind leave, passing time painlessly. I could do that, and it would feel better than trying to pretend that I could fit in here.


	7. Chapter 7

EPOV

As the sun went down, the small amount of light coming in from my closed curtains disappeared and I was left in total darkness. I didn't like it, but I didn't want to get up and turn the light on either. Esme had spoken to me through the door for a long time, telling me she was sorry I had to see that, I shouldn't be scared of that man, they didn't see me any differently, and I should feel safe. It was nice that she tried. She was trying to cover all of her bases, obviously not sure of what I was upset about.

When I wouldn't come to the door, she gently told me that she was going to give me some time and she would be back in an hour or so to check on me. She came back with Carlisle. I still didn't open the door for them. It felt good that I could control who was in my room. I wanted to be alone, so I was.

Unfortunately, after another hour had gone by, it was clear that they wanted to make sure I was okay and that wish wasn't going to be ignored.

"Edward, we recognize that you are upset and want some space right now and that is normal, but we need to make sure you are okay. Can you say something?" Carlisle encouraged me. I didn't. "If you don't tell us you are okay, I'm going to have to unlock the door," he told me in what I'm sure was his gentlest, convincing voice.

Did they think I was going to hurt myself? Is that why they were so concerned about getting in here?

After about five minutes, he asked me again, "Edward, are you alright?" I didn't answer. I wasn't okay anyway. Any answer that would satisfy them would be a lie. There was an audible sigh and then the doorknob started to jiggle a bit. I hated that noise. I hated the anticipation right before the door opened. Luckily, Carlisle seemed to be having some trouble with the key and I had time to get up and go to the door, opening it before he could and ending the horrible rattling noise.

Carlisle and Esme were both in the hall, Esme's eyes were red and blotchy, Carlisle with his hand outstretched towards the door, clearly surprised that I opened it. We all just stared at each other.

Now what?

I was physically fine, they could see that, so could I go now? I didn't ask, just waited for conformation.

"You're okay?" I didn't answer, just looked down. "Have you been sleeping?" I wanted to.

When they saw I wasn't answering, they thanked me for answering the door and told me that they preferred I didn't lock the door in the future. They promised not to enter unless I said it was okay.

I turned, leaving the door open and went back to my spot on the floor, wanting to be alone again.

Esme asked if I wanted dinner, but I didn't want to talk to them. I was embarrassed about what they had seen, what they knew. I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want them to commiserate with me. I didn't want them to know anything.

Eventually she left me, closing the door to a crack and leaving me in the dark again.

I got up and closed the door the rest of the way. After ripping off the stupid sling on my arm, I went to my bed, and got under the blankets. I covered my head up and tried to sleep.

I was restless and when I did fall asleep, I dreamed about James looking in my window.

Wednesday, November 24th

When I woke up, I stayed under the covers. It was hot under here, but I felt safe. I was scared to look at my window or open my door and let the world in, so I stayed.

I just couldn't shake the feeling that he was watching me, no matter where I was. It was like he knew my every move. I felt embarrassed at the thought of him knowing I was voluntarily hiding in my room. He would laugh if he knew. Probably say something like, "see? That's where you belong." It sounded like something he would say.

James's moods had always thrown me for a loop. Sometimes he was mean. Although rarely violent, he would yell at me for nothing or say things to insult me. He even mocked me for being stuck in his house. It was clear that he simply liked to be mad at me. Sometimes I wondered why he wanted me to feel like shit. I never did anything to purposefully disobey him and everything I had learned from my parents taught me that was enough. It wasn't with James. Other times, he would be nice to me, almost apologetic. He brought me stuff like the computer and my books. He would hug me and say he didn't mean to hurt me. When he first took me, it comforted me. If I was upset and he came in and told me it was okay, that I would be alright, I would think _oh, he was just kidding earlier, _this_ is the real him._ He always made me hug him back and accept his apology.

After years of the mood shifts, I didn't know which side of him was real or fake, but it didn't matter. When he was mean, I wondered what I had done to deserve it. When he was nice, I knew eventually the other side would be back. I couldn't find any comfort from a man that had done so much to me anyway.

I heard Esme come in, so much for knocking, so I pretended to be asleep. She must think I'm crazy for hiding under the covers like a 5 year old. Well, I'm sure they all thought I was crazy for other things too, but this was particularly weird. I heard her set dishes down on my nightstand. Must be breakfast. She left without speaking and I was grateful. I didn't want to talk to anybody.

I felt like all of them were tiptoeing around me. They were waiting for me to flip. Carlisle obviously was trying to censor my experiences so far, and that was completely understandable. He didn't want me to freak out on his family. I got it. But I didn't really think I would snap. Not like that anyway. I didn't want to yell or hit anything. I just wanted to sleep without dreaming or having his face in my head. Was that so much to ask for? I just wanted his fucking face out of my head.

I wondered if he still thinks about me. What is he doing now? Hopefully he really is in a jail cell. Did he share it with somebody? The idea pissed me off. Why should he get to have someone there with him? He should have to suffer alone and with nobody to help him. He probably was treated better than he treated me too. Did he get to go outside? He probably got three meals a day, every day. He probably had TV and books.

It made me sick.

Esme came back. She talked to me this time, trying to wake me up. When she realized I must be awake, just ignoring her, she tried to encourage me to get up. She wanted me to eat. I wasn't even hungry. They made me eat so much here. I didn't think anybody actually _needed_ that much food.

She said she was worried about me. Was there anything she could do for me?

_Just let me sleep. _

But I couldn't sleep anymore. I was wide awake under here. What a shame.

I stayed still and eventually she left again. A while later, somebody else knocked on my door and asked if they could come in. When I realized who it was, I let out an audible groan. I thought the blankets would muffle it, but sadly, I was mistaken.

The door opened and Dr. Garrison said "I'll take that as a 'yes.'" I rolled my eyes while she couldn't see me. She was a little pushy.

"Good afternoon, Edward." She waited. I didn't move, or respond. She already knew I was awake, dammit.

"I recognize that you obviously had a hard day yesterday, however I must request that you get up so we can have our session. I do not think this is a healthy way of dealing with the situation at hand. Esme and Carlisle have given you plenty of time alone, if that's what you needed. Time to get up." She sounded especially pushy today, actually.

I actually had to pee pretty badly. I had been avoiding it for a while now. If she's not going to let this go, I guess I should take care of business first. With another groan, I untangled myself and pulled myself out from under the blankets. The overhead light was on and it was seriously way too bright. I squinted my eyes and moved to the bathroom, shutting the door behind me.

"Edward…." the doctor said in a stern voice, warning me not to go hide in there. I was kind of sweaty and really wanted to take a shower but I figured she would not approve. After taking an exceptional amount of time washing my hands, I went back into my room.

Dr. Garrison was sitting on my couch, her notebook out and ready to go. I guess we were doing this in here today.

"Would you rather go into the study?" I shook my head. I didn't want to leave my room yet. I sure wasn't sitting on the couch with her for this whole thing though, so I got back into bed, sitting cross-legged against the headboard, all the covers scrunched up below me. I crossed my arms.

"So. You heard your name on the news?" Actually, it wasn't that so much as James, but whatever.

"I don't want to talk about that," I told her. Obviously, if I had wanted to, I would have one of the times Esme asked.

"What do you want to talk about?"

"Nothing." As usual. Why did she even ask that question?

"How about we talk about your parents?" she asked. I would rather talk about the news thing and started to tell her this, but she continued. "Tell me what they were like. What are your favorite memories of both of them." She waited.

I missed them. I loved them. But neither of those things made me want to talk about them.

"What about your mom. Was she at all like Esme?" I shrugged. "Can you compare them for me?"

I went along with it, but only because I knew there were far worse questions she could be asking.

"Yeah, they're kind of the same, but not really. My mom was…perfect. She…I don't know why, but she was."

"And Esme isn't?"

"I guess she could be too…she just isn't my mom. Maybe they think she's perfect."

"What kinds of things did you do with your mom?"

"Just regular stuff I guess." I tried to say it casually, but she knew as well as I did that 'regular things' weren't exactly high on the list of things I do most often now a days.

"Like…"

"I remember grocery shopping with her. She used to let me pick out my own cereal and sometimes ice cream. She would take me after she picked me up from school some days."

"Did she work?"

"No. She was sick sometimes…so Dad worked instead."

"She was sick? How so?"

"I don't remember what it was called. Sometimes she threw up and she was tired a lot. I remember her having to take medicine. She always had pills with breakfast."

"So your dad worked. What did he do?"

"He was a lawyer."

"Was he gone a lot?"

"Not really. He was always home for dinner. And on weekends." I never felt like I was missing anything. I had the perfect parents. It wasn't fair what happened to them. They didn't deserve that.

"Did you guys ever do anything fun on the weekends?" she asked hopefully.

I remembered again all the times we had taken day trips around the State. He took me hiking through woods and parks. Not long hikes obviously, sometimes we would just drive and get out at certain points. It always felt like an adventure though. I thought he was so cool for knowing about all these 'secret' places.

"I guess. We went hiking in the woods and stuff sometimes."

"Does living in these woods remind you of that?"

"No," I said right away. I hadn't even thought of it until she pointed it out.

"Is that something that would interest you now? Hiking I mean." Ah, now I saw what she was doing. She was back to finding something to interest me. Trying to get me out of the house or whatever.

I shook my head. I didn't want to go into the woods.

"Tell me other things about your childhood. What was your favorite food?" Now she was trying to get me to eat.

"I don't remember."

"What about friends? From school or the neighborhood?" I thought about that when they first found me. I had friends but we were only as close as your average 7 year old. I'm sure they had forgotten about me by now.

"Nobody special. Just kids from school."

"And your grandmother in Chicago? Were you close with her?"

"Not really. We visited a few times. I only really remember the last time. For Christmas. We talked on the phone sometimes."

"Was she your mom's mom or dad's mom? Do you remember?"

"She was Grandma Masen. My dad's." I didn't want to talk about them anymore. Even if we weren't talking about how they died, it still hurt. They weren't there and I missed them.

She asked me something else about them, but I shook my head. I was tired all of a sudden. I wished she would go so I could sleep again.

"You miss them," she told me. She sounded sad, but reassuring at the same time. Like it was okay that I missed them. It made me mad. I didn't need permission to miss them.

"Yeah, of course I miss them they're my fucking parents," I snapped at her. She looked a little startled, clearly not expecting the outburst. She nodded though, not having a problem with my cursing. I hated that I cursed.

"Edward, you wanted to know about James's house. What about your house? Have you wondered what has happened to it?"

I shook my head. No, no I didn't want to think about that house. I didn't know what I wanted to be the answer to that question and I was scared of it being the wrong one.

But I did want one thing. I didn't know if it was possible, but I had wished for it for a long, long time and had to at least ask.

"Can I ask you about something?" I said quietly, looking down at my comforter.

"Of course you can."

"Can you…are there any pictures…that I can have? Of my parents, I mean…. I don't have one." It felt weird to ask for something. It hurt inside to think that she might say 'no'. That everything was gone, there were no pictures, no anything left from my parent's existence. Everybody thought I was dead, so why would they save anything? It had probably been destroyed and I would never see their faces again. I didn't want the conformation, why had I asked?

Starting to shake my head, I wanted to tell her never mind. When I looked at her, she was smiling gently at me, as if waiting for me to look at her. She opened her mouth to answer but then shut it, looking thoughtful.

She was deciding how to break the news to me, I just knew it.

Instead, she stood up, startling me a little with her speed. She pointed to my desk and said, "May I?" What? The computer? I nodded, very confused. Was she just going to ignore my question?

She went to it, opened the laptop, and started clicking buttons and typing. I didn't know what she was doing, but I was ashamed that I had asked this of her. I had showed my weakness and now she had that power over me. She knew what I wanted.

I didn't look directly at her, but I saw her walking back towards my bed, laptop in hand. She set it down in front of me. She was much closer than she usually was.

"Edward, I'm sorry. I didn't know that you hadn't seen pictures. I would have gotten one for you. Will you look at the screen?" I did, but only to satisfy the curiosity of what she could possibly be doing.

What I saw nearly broke me. I wasn't ready for it. It was a picture I recognized from somewhere far back in my memory. Me and my parents, one on each side of me. I was smiling, a happy little kid. My mom was beautiful. She knelt next to me, one hand on each side of me, almost hugging me. She was looking at the camera, a huge smile on her face. She looked happy. My dad did too. He was looking down at me. He looked proud. A hand was on my shoulder and the side of a grin could be seen on his face.

I remembered this day. It was at a local amusement park, the summer before everything happened. It was a rare sunny, hot day and we went and rode rides, any that I was big enough for. I remember they let me have cotton candy. I had never had it before and I threw up in the parking lot. My mom held me all the way home.

This picture had been on our refrigerator. I liked to play with the magnets when Mom was cooking dinner.

"This is the first picture they used in the investigation. It was passed around when you were missing. That's why it's still on the internet. I can get you copies. Actually…hold on one moment."

I didn't really notice that she was gone. I was crying, I realized. I didn't want to take my eyes off the picture. I didn't even want to blink. The screen went black after a few minutes and I panicked, wanting them back. I pressed buttons on the keyboard frantically until it came back. Relief washed over me and I stared some more.

Dr. Garrison did come back though, and she tried to push the computer away. I freaked out again, grabbing it and pulling it towards me. She couldn't have it back.

"Hey, it's alright Edward. I'm not going to take it from you…it's yours now. Here, just look." She put something in my line of vision, obviously seeing that I wasn't going to cooperate.

It was the picture, just on paper. The same thing, a little bit smaller, but I could hold it. I grabbed it from her, momentarily worried that she was only teasing me with it. She let it go easily however and I was afraid that I had wrinkled it with the force of my grab. It seemed fine. Beautiful actually. Now I didn't know which one to look at. The computer was bigger but I could touch the little one. I opted for the real one, because I could have it forever. Technology was only temporary.

I leaned back, holding the picture close to my face and studying it. I wanted to memorize every part of them but I was also afraid of what I would do after that was done.

"Here, I'm just going to move this, okay?" She took the computer. I didn't care anymore. I had this one. "Carlisle just printed these out for you. I have another one here. I'm going to put it down on your nightstand. You can put it somewhere for safekeeping if you want."

Good. I could hide that one and keep this one with me. Then, should anything ever happen to this one, I would still have that one. I would still have them. It was a back-up. It made me feel much safer.

"I'm going to go now, Edward. I'll see you Friday, alright? Try to eat something later. I know Esme is worried about you. If you need to talk, just ask her and she can call me for you, alright?"

I had to say something to her before she left. I ripped my eyes away from the picture, which really said a lot about what this meant to me, and said, "Wait!" She looked at me, alarmed. I swallowed. "Thank you." It might have been the most heartfelt thank you of my life.

She smiled, pleased. "I didn't do anything Edward. All you had to do was ask. We're here to help you." I realized she was right, but I couldn't bring myself to care. "Edward," she started seriously, "I know there are other pictures. The police have them. I've seen one of them. I'll bring them to you on Friday, okay? They should be yours; I didn't realize you didn't have copies. I'm sorry I didn't ask before. I promise I'll bring them on Friday." I nodded. I wanted them. Anything she could give me about my parents. I wasn't sure if I believed it yet, but I had nothing to lose. Except this picture, which I would guard with my life.

"Will you promise me something in exchange?" I nodded. I owed her anything right now. I felt vulnerable, but it was worth it. "Will you go downstairs for dinner tonight?" I nodded but rolled my eyes. She would ask that.

She left me alone then. This was a little surreal to be honest. It sucked to realize how much this meant to me. I mean, it was just a picture. A piece of paper. It was my most important possession. My only possession really.

There were so many nights that I spent wishing I had something of my parents with me. To have proof that they cared for me and loved me. That's what this paper was and if I had it with me the whole time, it would have been so much easier to bare James.

When Esme came up around dinner time, I was still looking at my picture. I heard her coming and remembered the other picture, the one I was supposed to hide. I jumped up and grabbed it. I shoved it deep into the nightstand drawer for now. I would hide it better later, when I had time.

I sat on the bed and tried to look natural. She knocked.

"Yeah?" She opened the door, clearly happy that I had answered. I looked at my picture, holding it tightly with both hands.

"How're you feeling?"

"Fine." I knew she was wondering what I was holding. She didn't ask though and I appreciated that. I remembered what I had promised and let Esme off the hook. "I'll come down for dinner."

"Good. It's ready now, I was just coming up to see if you wanted me to bring you any."

"No, I'll come down….Thank you…though," I said awkwardly. She was very nice for bringing me up food when she wanted me to eat in the kitchen. And I had wasted several meals now. She wasn't even mad about it.

"Of course, dear. We'll be downstairs whenever you're ready."

I got up soon after she left. I was pretty sure I looked like shit, but what else was new. I was wearing sweats and a wrinkled t-shirt so I put a hoodie on, not letting go of the picture the whole time.

When I got to the kitchen, everyone was watching me. I didn't look at them, but I could feel it. When I sat in my usual spot, nobody said anything, just started passing out food. Spaghetti. It smelled awesome. I couldn't very well eat while gripping the picture so tightly with both hands. Rationally, I figured nobody here would have a reason to take it, unless they wanted to hurt me. What interest did they have with it? I glanced around, making sure nobody was eyeing it and shoved it in the sweatshirt's front pocket, holding on with my left hand and eating with the right.

The rest of the family chatted and pretended I wasn't the crazed misfit that I was and I appreciated it because it meant I didn't have to talk. The Cullens were good at that. Pretending that nothing was wrong. That was okay with me.

After dinner, somebody invited me into the living room to watch TV, but I was ready to be back in my room. Once there, I locked the door again and got out my other picture, pleased to find that it was still in the same spot.

Where to put it? I couldn't put it in a book or anything on the bookshelf. What if somebody borrowed something? The closet was out too, Alice might go in there. She had stocked it the first time she could do it again.

I finally settled on under the mattress. Who would look there? How often was it that somebody would want to move this mattress? I decided it was as good a spot as any.

I took a shower. I locked that door too and then kept opening the shower door to make sure my picture was still on the counter where I left it.

After, I looked at my face in the mirror again. It was weird doing that again. After the first time, it wasn't such a shock or as hard but it still was uncomfortable.

I needed to shave. I was beyond the point of being a little prickly. I didn't like it, but that was probably because I had never had it this long before. I ran my hand over my jaw, feeling it. It was weird. When I started growing facial hair, James started shaving it himself. Later he made me do it, usually watching. I could tell he hated it. It disgusted him. He was really mad when he first saw it. I didn't know why he was so mad, how I was supposed to stop it?

I did shave now though, and it was nice to know that it was my choice. I did it because I felt like doing it. He wasn't standing over me. Carlisle didn't yell at me or ask me why I hadn't. It was a much less stressful process.

I fell asleep looking at my parents that night. It felt amazing to know that they would still be there in the morning for me to see again.

Thursday, November 25th

I was confused this morning. I heard noises downstairs that were…unusual. Looking at the clock, it was well past nine. Emmett and Alice should be at school. Yet there was too much noise for just Esme.

When I made my way cautiously downstairs, I found that all four of them were in the kitchen. Esme was cooking. So was Alice. I could see Alice rolling some type of dough.

"Good morning, sweetie. Happy Thanksgiving." Esme said happily.

"Happy Thanksgiving, Edward!" Alice told me.

I hadn't even realized it was a holiday. That was probably rude or something. I muttered a 'thanks' and returned the greeting, trying to play it like I wasn't totally clueless. I don't think they bought it.

I went and sat by Emmett with my back to the wall, able to observe the entire scene this way. I was surprisingly comfortable around Emmett still. I always sat by him at meals and I was definitely more uncomfortable around Carlisle, even though Emmett was clearly the bigger physical threat. I guessed it was his joking manner, but who really knew.

He was eating a cinnamon roll, just like the one Esme set down in front of me not thirty seconds later.

"Yeah, I wouldn't remember either except for we don't have school so…hard to forget," Emmett told me, his food stuffed in the side of his cheek. He swallowed and continued. "You're in for a treat by the way; I hope you're hungry today because it's pretty much nonstop eating until you pass out."

"Oh that's lovely. Not all of us overeat so much, Emmett," Alice pointed out.

"That's enough, you two. Emmett, do you have any plans with Rosalie later today?" Who was that? Girlfriend, I assumed, although I hadn't heard of her before.

"Nah. She's at a family thing Portland. Gone all weekend." He didn't exactly sound that upset about this, I wondered if I had assumed incorrectly.

"Alice, what about Jasper?"

But instead, Emmett answered that too. "Mom, _please_, Alice is not doing anything with Jasper. That's gross." Alice made an offended gasping noise.

"Emmett…" Esme scolded.

"I heard he was going to ask me out Emmett, so if I want to go somewhere with him, I can. Mom and Dad said it was fine and you aren't the boss of me," she said, sticking out her tongue.

"Uh huh. Well I know Jasper and I know that he would never do that. He's like two years older than you anyway. It's illegal."

"Only one. He's just barely eighteen and I'm sixteen. It's not that bad. And it's definitely not illegal."

"Yeah, well if he knows what's good for him…"

"Okay that's enough. Let's just have a nice day hmm? Edward, we'll eat around two or so. We usually don't have anything else planned for the day, just relaxing, you know?" Esme told me. I wasn't sure if that meant I had to be present down here all day or if I could go upstairs and 'relax.'

As it turned out, the day really was pretty relaxing. I spent some time downstairs and some up, it was pretty laid back.

I took a shower and put nicer clothes on, figuring it was a holiday and they might want me to look presentable.

I hadn't celebrated a holiday since I was eight, so it was a little awkward. I never remember anything especially exciting happening on thanksgiving. I mean, we always had a big meal of course, but that was about it. What else is there? Christmas was exciting for the presents and such, but Thanksgiving was just a meal with my parents. At least that's all I remembered. I hoped the Cullens didn't do something I didn't know about.

I felt like I was intruding when I came back downstairs. Esme was still in the kitchen, filling glasses with ice. The rest of the family's noise was coming from the dining room. I had never seen anyone use the big table in there before.

Esme gave me an encouraging smile and asked me to carry two of the glasses. I waited for her to go first, then followed her into the dining room.

There was _a lot_ of food. I was too nervous to actually be hungry, but some looked so good I'm sure I could give it a shot.

Before we started eating though, they did do something to surprise me. They prayed. I hadn't taken them for particularly religious people, and Thanksgiving wasn't a religious holiday, right? But I went with it.

They all bowed their heads and folded their hands. I just watched, hoping they didn't expect me to say anything. Carlisle said some type of memorized little blurb about daily bread before Esme continued.

"Thank you for giving us this family. Thank you for being with us in all our joys and sorrows, for comfort in our sadness, your companionship in our loneliness. Thank you for friends, for health and grace. May we live this and every day conscious of all that has been given to us."

I didn't know if she had made that up on the spot or if it was memorized too. It was less obvious. I didn't agree with a word of it and to be honest, I was disappointed that she did. God wasn't here. Maybe he was with them, but he wasn't anywhere near me and I thought it was ridiculous.

The urge to get up and leave the table ran through me, but I resisted. They could think what they wanted.

Like usual, I didn't say much during the meal. They chatted and tried to include me a few times but I just wasn't in a talkative mood.

Towards the end of the meal, Esme got back around to be grateful. She reached out and put a hand over my wrist. I swallowed hard, waiting for her to move it.

"I think we're all grateful for the same thing this year." She patted my hand. I looked up at her face. She was giving me a kind look, one that was a little sad but didn't show pity exactly, more like relief.

"We're all very happy that you're safe and here with us now, Edward."

I wanted to appreciate the kind words but it was hard to see past the awkwardness. It was just really difficult for me to be happy about things like that because it was like pointing a big arrow towards my head. _Hi, the outcast is this way_, type arrow. She didn't have to say that shit to Emmett. I understood we were completely different, but it hurt to know that I would always be worthy of such _gratefulness_. I didn't like the attention and I just wanted to blend.

My face went red at her attention and I tried to give her a 'thank you' smile but I could only feel my face grimace. Well, I tried.

That night, in my room, I thought about her prayer.

Maybe she said it because she thought it applied to me. I'm sure she knew I had experienced sorrow, sadness, and loneliness. I was happy for her if she could ease her own feelings by telling herself some god was with her, but I just couldn't do it.

When I was little, my parents didn't exactly raise me to be religious, but we did go to church on Easter and Christmas. My mom was raised catholic. An eight year old didn't really have time for big philosophy thinking, so I guess I was still undecided in whether or not I believed in god.

The question answered itself in the next eight years though. Obviously, if their god had let me be locked alone in that room with that man doing those unspeakable things to me, I didn't want him to be my god. No being that let that happen deserved to be worshipped.

It didn't matter anyway though. God wasn't for me. If he was there, he wasn't on my side, and if he wasn't, I would never want to waste my time pretending he would help me. So it didn't matter either way.

I hoped there was no god. I was scared of him.

I never thought it was my fault, what happened to me. But at the same time, I had to think about it logically. I couldn't accept that I was just a random choice. What are the chances that out of all the people in the world-forget the world-all the people in Seattle even, I was the one he would take. It was like crazy odds. No, there was a reason he took me. Something about me made it happen to my family. It was like I was born for it to happen to me. It was my fate. Fate can't be my fault. At least that's what I told myself.

When I was somewhere around twelve years old, I decided that I wanted out. I wanted out like my parents got out. I was jealous of them. Why did I have to stick around and live through this? I wasn't exactly an expert on killing myself though, so I did the only thing I could. I stopped eating. James didn't care at first. Thought it was funny even. He said that if I didn't even want food, why had he been wasting his money on me this whole time? He just wouldn't feed me.

After five or six days, I was weak but not that close to actually dying. James caught on to what I was doing though and started trying to force me to eat. I threw up anything he got down. What could he do? Bring me to a hospital? I didn't think so.

Over nine days without eating and he started to panic. He played the only card he had left.

"_Go ahead. Die. You think it really matters to me? You're replaceable. If you aren't around I'll just go and get me another kid. Nobody ever came for you, I'm sure another kid would be just as easy. They probably won't cause me as much trouble either." _

_He left me a sandwich and a glass of water and went to work after that. Unfortunately for me, he was right. I was already a wasted life. If I took the easy way out, he would just get another boy and ruin his life. Would he kill his parents too? I had to suffer through this for as long as I could. It would save someone else. It was selfish to get out now. So after rolling over and crawling to the desk, I ate the sandwich, crying the whole time. _

After that, it became a tiny bit easier for a while. I felt like I had some type of purpose.

EMPOV

Thursday, November 25th

I loved Rosalie. I did. She was beautiful. She was smart and good with cars and I couldn't think of a positive feature she didn't have. She was perfect. The girl everybody wanted, and I had.

I was Emmett Cullen. Sport star, heading for Stanford, the son of a doctor, and the popular guy everybody wanted to be friends with.

We just went together. Emmett Cullen and Rosalie Hale. It was expected, and it worked. We got along well, our families liked each other, and we loved each other.

So why couldn't I be happy with that. I was impatient, unsure of myself, and recently found myself finding reasons to avoid her. I cared so much about her, yet I didn't want her like that anymore. I knew I would always love her, we had been friends since middle school, and nothing could erase the memories we had made for each other.

The problem was this. Somehow, between chasing her at recess in 6th grade and the first time we slept together after Homecoming last year, I had gotten in way over my head. I don't think I ever meant it to go that far. It just seemed like what was supposed to happen.

I don't remember the moment my thoughts went from a platonic friendship with the girl in my gym class to actually _liking_ her. I just went with it.

Now, as I sat and watched Edward Masen sit on our family's couch and pretend to watch football, I realized I didn't think I ever _did_ have that moment.

A bad feeling was creeping into my gut. A feeling that I had been surprising for years now. It was like one of those things that you keep ignoring until it goes away. Well, I felt it coming back now, and I didn't want it.

But it didn't feel the same as last time. This time, the _oh shit not me_ feeling was mixed in with guilt. I had been lying to Rosie for years. She thought I loved her- like _that_- because I had told her that I did. Shown her even.

What if I didn't love her like that? What if I loved someone else? Someone very different from her?

How did I get myself into this mess? And why did _my_ parents have to take in Edward Masen?


	8. Chapter 8

**AN- Hey, hopefully this makes up for the long gap in between the last two updates. Midterms. They take some time, you know.**

**Anyway, I think this chapter answers lots of questions. Hope you like it!**

EMPOV

Friday, November 26th

In 5th grade, there was this guy I sat next to at school. His name was Alec. I remember _really_ liking Alec. I didn't think about him in any way that wasn't innocent- I _was_ in 5th grade- but looking back, it seemed like an overly strong attachment for 11 year old to have.

Alec's dad was in the military and they moved around a lot. He came into my class late in the school year. I immediately was drawn to him because he was in the same boat that I had been in. I knew what it was like to come into a class late in the year. I knew it would be hard for him to make friends and I saw an easy friendship for me.

But it wasn't really like that after a while. That wasn't why I wanted to hang out with him. I couldn't explain it then, I just knew that I liked to watch him and he was much more interesting to me than anybody else, including the girls everyone else seemed to be so fascinated by.

Alec moved away again the next summer and I became friends with Rose. I thought about him long after he had moved, and even though it didn't worry me much, I realized everyone else had forgotten about him and I, well…hadn't.

It had been a while since I had thought about him. My face reddened as I thought about what my obsession with him could have really meant.

It was the day after Thanksgiving, Alice and I were still on break, and Rosalie was still out of town at a family gathering. That left me sitting on my ass all day, doing absolutely nothing productive.

I slept late, not that anyone cared at this point. I'm sure my teenage boy ability to sleep all day had stopped shocking my parents long ago. Sometime after lunch I finally made myself to go downstairs. I didn't shower or put on presentable clothes. I wasn't planning on going anywhere, plus, I was hungry.

When I hit the living room floor from the stairs, I saw something interesting. Edward was sitting on the couch, looking uncharacteristically relaxed. Not only had he ventured out of his room seemingly voluntarily, but he was slouched down like he was actually comfortable. I could only see the back of his head, but he was looking down. Was he reading? His hair was wet, like he had just gotten out of a shower. I felt my face go a little red again, and I was embarrassed about my embarrassment.

Ignoring it, I approached him anyway. When I got close enough, I saw that he wasn't reading, but looking at an old picture. It looked like a miniature Edward with the parents. He was a cute little kid. They all looked like a normal, happy family.

"Awe, is that little Eddie?" I asked him. I probably shouldn't have snuck up on him like that though because he jumped and immediately sat bolt upright, clutching the picture tight to his chest.

I laughed a weak little uncomfortable laugh, trying to make light of the situation.

"Chill man, I'm not gonna take it. Sorry," I muttered at the end. I went around in front of him and sat on the couch diagonal from him, putting my feet up on the coffee table. Edward relaxed a little, putting the picture back down on his lap but still clutching it tightly. He leaned back against the couch, looking more like he had before.

When I was confident that he didn't think I was a threat, I started talking to break up the awkward silence.

"So you know that guy, Jasper, me and Alice were talking about at breakfast yesterday?"

"Yeah?" he asked, sounding confused like, _what does this have to do with me_ type confusion.

"Well I might have lied. Jasper's actually a pretty good friend of mine and he's been ignoring me and shit for like days now. So I think he is going to ask her." I looked at Edward for a reaction. He just stared at me, as if waiting for me to continue. I made an impatient hand motion, prompting him to say something on the topic.

He shrugged. I rolled my eyes, chuckling a little at the same time.

"I guess I gotta go over there and talk to him," I continued.

"Okay…"

"You don't give a shit, do you?" I grinned a little, trying to show him that it didn't upset me.

"I mean…." He looked a little flustered, like he didn't want to offend me.

I sighed and leaned my head against the back of the couch, staring at the ceiling.

He surprised me by asking, "Is that Rosalie your girlfriend?" He said it hesitantly, and I knew not to say something stupid. That was the first time he ever asked a question of me and I didn't want to discourage the habit.

"Yeah, sorta...I mean, yeah, she is. Of course she is." I shook my head. If she heard me say that I'd be in a shitton of trouble.

"Oh."

"Why?"

He shrugged. "I don't know, just wondering I guess."

I nodded but still thought he had an ulterior motive for asking that.

"Hey, you wanna go get some food or something? Maybe I can go talk to Jasper on the way home." I hadn't planned on going out, but Edward looked like he could use something to do other than staring at his dead parent's picture.

"Oh, uh…no I can't really." His face went a little red.

"You can't? You have plans?" I didn't mean it to sound so disbelieving, but come on, the guy had spent the last three days locked in his room basically twenty four seven. What plans could he all of a sudden have?

"Yeah. I've got my session…thing….at three." Now it was really red and he was looking anywhere but at me.

_Good job, dumbass. _

"Oh. Right. Okay, well maybe another time, yeah?" I tried to play it off so it wasn't so awkward for him, but the damage had already been done. Edward half nodded half shrugged in a very non-committal way.

"There's probably a ton of leftovers anyway. Want me to warm some up for you?" I said as I stood up, heading for the kitchen.

"No. Thanks." Of course not. The kid never ate.

Mom's laptop was on the kitchen table, so after I warmed my food up in the microwave, I started messing around online. I was in the kitchen longer than I expected to be, and eventually I heard the front door open and close. I wondered who was coming in, but when I didn't hear anybody, I realized someone had gone out. Did Edward leave? He said he had his thing….

I went back into the living room. No Edward. I went to the window and saw him. He was standing up against the wall of the house, staring down the driveway. He was only in jeans and a hoodie, so I knew he had to be cold out there. I doubt he even put shoes on. Before he could see me creeping on him, I left the window and went back upstairs. But I couldn't help but wonder what he was waiting for. The dude was weird sometimes, but that didn't make him any less interesting to me. Slowly but surely I was realizing that maybe I liked to watch Edward a little too much too.

EPOV

I counted the minutes until 3p.m. on Friday. Dr. Garrison promised she would bring my pictures. I wanted to trust that she would, but I had that tiny voice in my head telling me she was lying and there were no more pictures.

I had moved closer and closer to the door all day and finally, I found myself waiting outside, on the porch, waiting for her car to appear. I still had about twenty minutes, but I couldn't wait inside any longer.

I hadn't been out here yet. Not alone anyway. I felt nervous out here, all exposed. I eyed the woods every once in a while, but tried to stay focused on the driveway.

By some incredible stroke of luck, she was early. I had only been outside maybe five minutes when I saw a nice little blue car coming around the curve. For a second I had a fleeting thought that maybe it wasn't her, maybe it was someone else and I just left myself out here defenseless like an idiot, but I soon could see that it was indeed, my therapist.

My eyes were on her face the whole time she parked and organized her things. When she got out and walked towards me, I knew the exact moment that she saw me. She grinned and shook her head as if amused.

"Hello, Edward. How was your thanksgiving?" she said as she walked up the steps, stopping in front of my and holding her bag tightly. I eyed it greedily.

I shrugged. She raised an eyebrow. She apparently wanted me to talk before I could have it.

"It was fine. Esme made dinner…" I scrambled for something less obvious to say about the day. When I came up with nothing I asked, "How was yours?" She smiled and I was hopeful that would earn me enough brownie points for my pictures.

"Mine was wonderful, thank you for asking." I nodded, wanting her to get to the point already.

She snickered a little before continuing. "I came a little early so that I could give you your pictures first. You can look at them until the session starts, but I expect you to be ready by three. Agreed?"

"Yeah." _Hurry up, you're wasting time here._

Finally, she reached into her bag and pulled out a yellow folder, handing it to me. I took it immediately and muttered a 'thank you' before basically running upstairs to hide in my room with them.

I glanced at the time on the TV before plopping down on the floor. I had thirteen minutes.

Holding my breath, I opened the folder. The pictures were in the little pocket in the side, and there seemed to be quite a few of them.

There were seven, in total. Well, eight with the one I already had. Some were just with my mom and me, and others were with both of them and without me. Their wedding picture for one. My favorite was one taken in our living room. All three of us were on the couch, lounging comfortably. My dad's arm was around my mom and I was sitting against the arm of the couch, my little feet on both of their laps. It was a very natural position, not as posed as the others. I didn't remember who had taken it. What I would give to have this back…

Sadly, the thirteen minutes were up way too fast and I had to put them down for the next hour or so.

During the session, Dr. Garrison wanted to make sure I wasn't going to _obsess_ over the pictures. She said they would mean more to me if I only looked at them every so often. Good luck with that.

She convinced me to promise her that I wouldn't spend _all_ my time in my room. I would try my best to come downstairs for mealtimes at the very least and interact with the Cullens more. She encouraged me to show some of my pictures to somebody else. She wanted me to _share_ things with them, let them know where my head was at on any given day. Apparently it would help me to feel included in the family.

I didn't know about all of that, but she did do something amazing for me, so I promised her I would try. I had to admit that I trusted her a bit more now. She promised me something and came through on it. She didn't make me give her anything back and was happy that I would enjoy them so much.

We parted on much friendlier terms than usual. I was glad I wouldn't have to see her until Monday, but I didn't dread our meeting as much as usual.

Sunday, November 28th

On Sunday, Carlisle came up to find me in my room. He had been at work when I came down for lunch, so I was a little surprised when he knocked on my door. When he opened it, I was still sitting on my bed and he stayed by the door. He seemed very wary of startling me.

He spoke in a soft tone while telling me, "I just got off the phone with our attorney." Uh oh. "He's actually an old family friend as well. His name is Aro and he's got a firm in Seattle. He'll be working with you while your case is still open, as long as you're okay with this."

I was confused. "But…why do I need an attorney?"

He nodded but looked around for a moment. "May I?" He asked, pointing to the couch. I nodded, sat up a little straighter and pulled my sleeves down over my hands.

Carlisle sat, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees and his fingertips touching. "You probably don't need one. We're just being extra careful. Not that we expect them to, but we don't want anybody taking advantage of you at this point. Aro will make sure everything is played by the books. Having him around can't harm anything."

"Oh," I said quietly, not sure what else to respond with.

"He has agreed to come down tomorrow afternoon and discus what will happen from here on out with you. He'll go over what you will need to tell them, just so you aren't surprised when the police ask. Dr. Garrison has agreed to meet at the same time and help with the process. If everything goes as planned, Aro would like to meet for the police interview on Tuesday." He paused. I was looking down now, trying to absorb all of this information. "Edward? You still want to do this, right?"

I know I promised that I would tell them anything they wanted to know, as long as I didn't have to see James, but now that it was happening, it was a whole different story.

I nodded, just wanting to get it over with. After Tuesday, I could be done with this.

So the next day, in place of a session, I was in Carlisle's office with a lawyer, my shrink, and Carlisle and Esme. Apparently, since I was a minor, they were supposed to sit in on any legal proceedings. I didn't really want them there, but they assured me everything would be fine.

I was on the couch, Dr. Garrison on one side and Esme on the other. Carlisle was sitting with Aro by the desk.

"Alright, to get started, Edward, you need to understand that you have every right to decline to answer questions. You have done nothing wrong, the police can only be helped by any information you give them. That said, the more information you give them the easier it could be for them to put Owens away for good. Any details you feel able to share could be useful."

He went on to talk about how the police would probably try to convince me to testify, but it was within my rights to refuse and I shouldn't feel pressured.

"Now, basically what these detectives are going to do is ask you for a chronological account of what you experienced. This will, of course, start with the time you first encountered Owens, what you witnessed in regards to your parents' death, and the events that lead to you being in his house. They'll ask you to go through the basics of what happened once you were in his house, however I'll do my best to make sure only relevant, important facts are asked of you. I don't believe specifics of your treatment will make or break their case. Without your testimony at trial, those details will not provide them with much assistance. There's no need to put you through that if it's not crucial. What will be important though are the events leading up to your escape. They'll ask you about that day and whether you were released by him or left the house by your own means."

"They're job is to guide you through the questions, but you must supply your own answers."

"How many people will be questioning him?" Esme asked, sounding a little overwhelmed.

"They'll probably send two down but one will be doing to main questioning. If Edward is uncomfortable with either, the other should be able to do it."

"And what if they get here and Edward doesn't want to do it at all?"

"Legally, he doesn't have to. He has already supplied a brief statement at the hospital. However, as expected, his state of mind at that time probably lead to some information being left out. It's often the case that they re-interview victims and witnesses after some time has passed." He paused for a moment, turning back to me. "Edward?" I nodded. "You do want to do this, right?"

"No…but yes. I will. I want him…" I searched for the right words, "away from me."

He nodded. "Okay then. Do you have any questions?"

I shook my head. I wondered how long it would take, but he probably didn't know that.

Shortly after, our little group split up. Dr. Garrison wanted to have a short session with the time we had left, and Carlisle had some legal questions that would 'bore' me. The three of them moved downstairs, leaving me and Dr. Garrison alone in the study.

"How are you feeling about all of this happening tomorrow?"

"Fine, I guess." She looked doubtfully at me, clearly not believing me. "I just want to get it over with." She nodded, happier with that answer.

"It'll be over soon." I nodded, trusting in that to be true.

"Are you ready for the questions?" _No._ "Would you like to practice?" I shrugged, not sure what she meant.

"It might be easier tomorrow if you are prepared and have your answers planned out. Don't you think?"

"I guess so…"

"Remember Edward, these people are just interested in the facts. You don't have to tell them how you felt about it or if it upsets you. Just the facts. All you have to do right now is say what physically happened." I guess that did make it easier. I didn't need to think about what these things _meant_, just what they were.

Before she started asking me questions, I thought they were exaggerating about how difficult this would be on me. It wasn't like I had forgotten and all of a sudden they were reminding me. I lived with these memories twenty-four seven already.

But then she started in asking me about what happened the night he took me, where were my parents, where was he, where did he take me? I had tried to block out those details for a long time, so some of them were harsh to uncover. But she was right, I was glad this was happening with her instead of some strange man I had never met.

"What happened when you left your house?" So many things, I didn't know where to begin. I didn't want to voice them either. I wanted to pretend I never did leave my house. "Just tell me where you were, Edward. In a car?"

I nodded, "Yeah, my parent's car. From the garage. He put me in the back seat. Then we drove for a long time. I was sleepy."

"And you went to his house?"

"Yeah. He put me in my room, upstairs."

"Can you talk to me about the room?"

"It just had a bed then. Later he brought more stuff. But just the bed then. And a lock on the door, but it was on the outside."

"Edward, they're going to ask you about what kind of abuse you endured. That will be one of the charges they try to make against him, so it's important that you can confirm any mistreatment. Was there verbal abuse?"

I frowned. I had never thought of him yelling at me being termed _abuse_ before. "I guess. He yelled and stuff. Said…bad stuff." That sounded stupid, but I didn't want to tell her details. She said I didn't have to. For now.

"Physical abuse?" I nodded this time, the almost gone bruise on my face testimony enough for that. "Edward, I know this is hard, but will you tell me if there was sexual abuse?"

I felt my face go red at the mention of that. Memories flooded my mind. Not any specific time, just…feeling him. All the nights blended together eventually, like it was one long moment in time where he did it over and over again. One of the worst parts about it was that he never let me shower after. I never knew if he did it on purpose or if it just wasn't convenient for him, but whenever he was done with me, all I ever wanted to do was rinse myself with scalding hot water. He would always just get up and leave, locking me in again. I often spent hours wishing and fantasizing the he would come back and let me into the bathroom.

"Edward?" Shit, she was waiting for me.

"Yeah, he…um, just yeah." I didn't have a verb for what he did, but I thought yes should suffice.

"What did he do?" she sounded a little confused, but I couldn't help but think she was faking it. I shrugged.

"Did he rape you?" I looked away from her, at the bottom corner of the desk. They asked me that at the hospital too. I didn't like that word, it didn't seem to fit. I didn't have a better one, but that one wasn't right.

"I guess…" I mumbled, embarrassed.

"Edward, you did nothing to deserve that. It wasn't your fault, or choice. That man chose for you, taking advantage of a child's weakness. There's no reason to be embarrassed about that. You couldn't have stopped it, you understand that, don't you?"

I shrugged, because I didn't completely agree. While I didn't think it was my fault, exactly, I still felt like I could have stopped some of it. I didn't even fight him after a while. I just let him do it. And when I got older…he wanted me to do things to him. I did them. I didn't want to, but I knew I had to.

"Can I go now?" I asked because I really wanted a shower all of a sudden.

"We're not quite done yet, just a few more minutes. I want you to understand this. What happened was not your fault. You were not given a choice."

"I know."

"Rape is any unwanted, and forced sexual intercourse. Are you struggling with that definition?"

I shook my head. I understood what that meant.

"Okay," she said more softly than before. "So do you feel confident that you can answer that question tomorrow?"

Confident, no. But that wasn't going to happen any time soon with any of these topics. So again, I went with, "I guess."

She nodded, not dwelling on that topic before she moved on. I was glad. She really was sticking to facts, which I appreciated.

We talked a little bit more about what happened when I was with him before she moved on to the day I left the house.

"He hit me, and this time it scared me. I…panicked, I guess. I don't really know what happened. I didn't _decide_ to do anything. The next thing I knew, he was one the ground…and my hand hurt." For a second, I had even thought about running back upstairs and hiding in my room. But then I was out the door. "I guess it was just instincts, I ran. I found that lady's door and went in."

Looking back at that moment, I realized I hadn't thought much about that lady. I had probably scared the shit out of her. I hoped she was okay now.

"Okay. I think you're going to do fine tomorrow. You're doing a great job with all of this. Just remember, if you need a break, don't be afraid to ask for one. Nobody will be in a rush." _I_ will be in a rush, I think.

"You should also decide who you want in the room with you. The police will probably encourage you to keep it to a minimum, but you have a right to have any or all four of us present during questioning."

Honestly, I wanted to keep it at a minimum too. I didn't want any of them there. I'm sure they all thought I would feel better with them there because they would comfort me, but the truth was, nobody could save me from my secrets. I had a feeling none of the above wasn't the answer she was looking for however. I knew I didn't want Esme to hear anything I had to say on the topic, so she was definitely out. It would only upset her. She just didn't need to know. Carlisle would probably insist the lawyer was there, and Dr. Garrison had already heard most of it anyway. She was a bit of a lost cause as far as keeping secrets went.

Tuesday, November 30th

The officers would be here around four. I didn't sleep much and I was restless. In an odd way, I was looking forward to it, just because it would all be over soon. I already showered and was dressed in comfortable clothes- pants that had already become my favorite jeans and a too-big hoodie.

I had about an hour to kill and all I could do was think of what I had to say, so I pulled out the folder of pictures that I now kept hidden under the mattress with the first one. I leaned against the bed, my feet still planted on the ground, and pulled out my favorite one. The one on the couch in our living room. It was also my new favorite pastime.

I jumped when Esme knocked on the door, not realizing how much time had passed. The door was already slightly ajar so she pushed it open a little more and peeked in.

She smiled kindly at me and said, "Hey, are you doing alright?" I nodded. "Are those your pictures?" They obviously were. I often brought one downstairs with me. I knew they had seen them before. But Esme made no move to get closer; she wasn't going to take it. She was just curious and making conversation maybe. She only wanted to help, I reminded myself. Dr. Garrison had promised to tell her that I didn't want her to be present for the questioning. Esme hadn't mentioned it last night and I worried that she had taken it the wrong way. I really was only trying to keep her from knowing things she didn't want to know.

So, in an effort to make peace and show her that I truly was grateful, I nodded. Then I held out the picture as an invite to come over and look. A wide smile instantly spread across her face and she rushed over in an exited, Alice-like manner.

She leaned up against the bed next to where I was sitting on the edge. Without making a grab for the picture, she tilted her head towards it so she could see better.

"Oh, Edward, you are just so cute. What a beautiful family. You look very happy," she said with a genuine smile.

Yes, we _were_ a beautiful family. Suddenly, I felt my breathing pick up and my eyes got wet. My jaw trembled and I clenched it shut. I didn't want to cry in front of her. She saw anyway.

Before I was ready for it, she wrapped an arm around my shoulder, squeezing gently in a sort of sideways hug. I remembered vividly how the last hug had turned out, and I suspected she did too.

"Sweetheart, you're going to be okay, you know that?" She rubbed her hand up and down and I sucked in a deep breathe, trying to pull myself together. I wanted to believe her. "This is really hard, I know. You're doing such a good job. I'm very proud of the way you're handling everything. It's truly amazing how strong you are. But it's okay to be sad too. You don't have to hold it all in."

I'm not really sure how it happened, but Esme pulled me towards her a little bit more and that was all it took. I laid my head on her shoulder and cried. She wrapped both arms around me then, just holding me. She didn't say anything else. I let myself be comforted by her. Huge amounts of tension I didn't realize I was holding left my shoulders.

I was getting her shirt wet. I tried to stifle the tears, but it took a few minutes. It felt good that she was letting me have my time. She didn't rush me and just kept rubbing my back gently. I didn't know when I consciously decided to trust this woman, but I did. She wouldn't hurt me. She was only trying to help me.

When I finally did pull myself together, I was embarrassed and had a headache. I sat up straight and tried to hide my face. Esme brushed my hands away. I dried them on my jeans.

Somehow, Esme had gotten ahold of my picture. I didn't remember letting go of it, but apparently I had. She handed it back to me, telling me, "It's a beautiful picture. I'm glad you have it now." I nodded, very much agreeing.

"You know, we can postpone this meeting, if you think you'd feel more up to it a different day."

"No, I want it to be over. I'm fine."

She nodded. "Okay. Do you want to head downstairs with me?"

"I'm gonna wash my face first. Then I'll be down." I didn't look at her, still a little embarrassed that I broke down like that in front of her. I don't know what happened, but I had to hold it in better than that for the next few hours.

Too soon and not soon enough, I found myself in the living room with Dr. Garrison sitting on the couch with me again, Carlisle in a chair off to the side, and a Detective Prewitt on the couch next to Aro, both of whom had folders and notepads out on their laps, pens ready. The Detective had also brought a tape recorder and had set it down on the coffee table.

Esme had gone upstairs, promising that Emmett would stay on the third floor too and that Alice, who was at a friend's house, would call before she came home. Nobody could hear me that wasn't in this room and I wouldn't be interrupted.

I felt like a bug under a microscope. I took a deep breath. I looked up at the man I had just met. He was short and had had big glasses. Very opposite of what I expected an intimidating police officer to look like.

I just wanted to get this done and over with as fast as possible. I felt like I was begging him with my eyes, saying just do it, pull it off like a band aid.

It'll all be over soon.

"Ready?"

Nod.

He pressed record.

"Can you state your name?" he asked, somewhat robotically.

"Edward Masen."

"And how old are you, Edward?"

"Sixteen."

"Can you please tell me about your first encounter with James Owens?" Fuck if that wasn't the most open ended question ever. I thought he was going to _lead_ me.

"He came to my house. Me and my parents had just finished eating dinner. I was in my room, putting my pajamas on when I first heard him." Those pajamas were the only thing I had with me from my old life when I was with James.

"How old were you?"

"Eight."

"What happened next?"

"I heard him yelling at my parents to get down. I don't know how he got in the house, my dad must have forgotten to lock the door or something. But he was yelling, and I went out into the living room to see what was going on." I didn't recognize his voice and I was confused and scared because he sounded mad. Before I got to them, I heard a really loud bang.

"I didn't see him shoot my dad, but I heard the gun and when I got to the living room, Dad was laying on the floor, facing down. James hadn't seen me yet." But Mom did. She was kneeling on the floor behind the coffee table, her eyes wide in horror. She looked at me and shook her head a little, wanting me to go. She looked away before he saw, but it didn't matter.

"He asked her where I was but she was just crying by then."

"He knew your name?" the officer interrupted me.

"Yeah. He asked where Edward was."

"And you had never met this man before?"

"No, I didn't recognize him."

"Okay. What happened next?"

I swallowed hard. I looked at the lines on the corner of the coffee table. Stared at them.

"She asked him to leave me alone, just….to just deal with her and leave. He looked around then and saw me behind him in the door. Then he shot her too. After that he put me in Mom's car." I refused to let the visual of my last seconds with my mom into my mind.

"How did you get to the car?" What? Did he think I willingly walked over there and jumped in?

"He forced me to swallow sleeping pills." Now Carlisle would get my aversion to his medicine I guess. "He waited for me to pass out, then he carried me."

"To the car?"

"Yes," I said, a little more forceful than I meant to be.

"Okay. So you were asleep the whole time in the car?"

"No, I was sort of awake when he switched cars. He picked me up and put me on the floor of a bigger car, like a van I think, then we started driving again and I fell asleep."

"How far did you drive?"

"I don't know, I was eight." This man was starting to piss me off. Was I supposed to tell time drugged, passed out, and in the dark, when I was eight years old?

"What happened the next time you were conscious?"

I swallowed again. There was way too much saliva in my mouth all of a sudden. "The next thing I remember, I was in his house. He was holding me on his lap, we were on his couch." I had a really bad headache and held really still, hoping he wouldn't notice I was awake.

"He was mad that I woke up there, he didn't want me to see the house. Just my room. He carried me upstairs and put me down on a bed in my room. He told me to stay there. He left and locked the door. There was like a padlock on the outside."

"Can you tell me about the room? What it was like?"

I could tell him every inch of that room. I knew it like the back of my hand. The scratches in the white paint on the walls, the weird, bumpy ceiling, the five boards that covered the window crookedly, the dirty, dark blue carpet.

"It just had a bed in it at first. There was a window facing the side yard but he had boards on it. Later he gave me stuff to put in it. A table and a little dresser. But first it was just the bed. It was in the corner." I hid in that corner.

I could almost feel Carlisle's gaze in the side of my face, but I refused to look at him. I preferred to pretend he wasn't there at all, actually. He shouldn't hear this.

"And did he always keep you in this room?"

"Yeah, for a while he did. Later he let me out sometimes when he was home and he wanted to watch me. I went downstairs for meals sometimes. It just depended on his mood."

"How long was it before he let you leave the room?"

When I turned twelve, he said I was a man now. That he could trust me more because he knew I would behave. That was my birthday present that year. He smiled and laughed when I went downstairs for the first time, thought it was funny that I was so surprised.

"I don't know, a few years." Carlisle didn't need to know that I spent four years in that room.

"What about the bathroom and bathing? How did that work?" I didn't want to answer that. I looked at Dr. Garrison. She promised that I didn't have to answer anything that I didn't want to. I didn't want to talk about that. She just gave me an encouraging smile though, not understanding. I rolled my eyes, looking back at the table.

"He let me in the bathroom in the hall." That was all he would know.

"What happened next?"

I was irritated now.

"What, you want me to go through every day of the last eight years? He kept me in that room, that's what happened next." I crossed my arms and squished my back against the sofa cousins, annoyed with his directionless questioning. He wasn't put off though.

"What about meals? When did you eat?"

"When he brought me food." Duh. I was rolling my eyes an awful lot today. Dr. Garrison gave me a meaningful look, which annoyed me further. What's it to her?

"He brought me breakfast before he left and dinner after he got home from work."

"What kind of foods?"

"I don't know, a lot of the same. Oatmeal, bread, noodles. Stuff that was easy to make I guess."

"Was he physically violent towards you?"

It'll be over soon.

"Only when he was drunk. Sometimes he came home drunk, or sometimes he would drink like, I don't know, seven or eight beers before he passed out. He hit me sometimes if I did something that made him mad. It didn't happen very often." I wanted that topic to end there, please.

"Is that how you got the bruise on your face?" I didn't think you could see it anymore. Maybe it was in the file.

"Yeah." Carlisle shifted in his chair. I stared at the other side of the room to keep myself from looking at him.

It'll be over soon.

"And was he sexually abusive towards you?"

I was suddenly very aware of time. One second, then two, then three went by and I started to panic about what they would read into my pause. Had I paused this much on other questions? I knew he would ask this. I had prepared myself for the answer. But the seconds went by. Eight seconds until I said, "yes."

My stomach seemed to flip over. It was out there now. It was on that little machine, and in these people's minds.

I felt my chest moving up and down against the cushion. I didn't blink. Hyper aware of everything, I waited for the next question.

"When did it start?"

When he pulled me out from under the bed. "The night after he took me."

"How often did it occur after that?" I shook my head, leaning forward, my elbows supporting me against my knees. I didn't look at him and I didn't answer.

"Is that crucial information?" Dr. Garrison broke in.

"Any information could be critical at this point."

"Only answer what you feel comfortable with, Edward," she reminded me. Yes, because the rest of this conversation had been so comfortable and lovely.

"I don't know, I didn't exactly count. Sometimes every day, sometimes once a week or so. Once it was like a month in between. Just depended."

"I need to know what kind of sexual contact there was. Can you tell me-"

"No." That was where my cooperation ended. I wasn't going to sit here and tell everyone about the first time he touched me, the first time he had sex with me. I wasn't going to give up all my secrets to satisfy their curiosity.

"Was it only touching or was it actual penetration-"

"It was both. Happy? Can I leave now?" My foot started tapping of its own accord. It was really hot in here.

"Yes, I think that's quite enough for one day, perhaps we can stop for now and finish up next week sometime?" Dr. Garrison asked.

The officer started rearranging his stuff, like he was packing up.

"No, I want to finish today," I said, realizing I seemed crazy for changing my mind so quickly.

"Edward I think it's best if you take a break today," she told me. I shook my head.

"I want to get it over with now. I don't want to do it again later, so ask me whatever while you're here." My foot kept tapping. They had better hurry up.

"Can you tell me about the day you left the house?"

"Yeah," I said in a snippy tone, ready to be done with this. I talked fast, skipping details that were probably unnecessary anyway. "He came home drunk. He let me out of my room and wanted me to get him something for dinner. He had already opened another beer and I knew he was going to be trouble that night. I noticed he had forgotten to lock the front door from the inside like he usually did. He saw me looking at the door and got mad, that's when he hit my face. It was with a plate." I laughed a little, humorless laugh. I'm sure it cemented the crazy hypothesis. "It made me dizzy, like I was going to pass out and I panicked. I thought he was going to go too far so I hit him back. I don't know why, it was just instinct, but he fell and I ran. I didn't know where to go but I saw that lady's light on and went there. Her door was unlocked and I ran in, she started screaming and I told her to call someone. That's the last thing I remember." I looked at him, expecting him to look satisfied or something. He didn't.

"Anything else?" I took the liberty to ask.

"No, I think that'll do us for now."

I was out of my seat and on the stairs before he started thanking me for my patience. Whatever. I was done with that obnoxious little man.

Up in my room, I went into my closet, changing from my relatively nicer clothes into. Although I was happy to be done with it, I was disappointed that I didn't feel better. I thought I would get the whole, weight off the shoulders, relief thing going, and sadly that wasn't the case. I felt just about the same, except for my fresh embarrassment that Carlisle and Dr. Garrison now knew my secrets. Or at least the basics.

I suddenly wanted to be out of this room. Out of this house where these people were that knew things about me. I had an idea, and it shocked me. Before I thought about it, I was at Emmett's door. I knocked three times.

As the door opened I heard a "_Mom_, I told you-" and then he was staring at me, clearly shocked as well. I knew my eyes were wide as I stared at him like an idiot. I had no idea what I was doing here. I couldn't just say nothing though.

"Dude, what-"

"Do you want to go get that food?" I asked, hoping he would remember the fake plans we had made a few days ago.

He looked at me, clearly confused, but he pulled his features together quickly and grinned, looking pleasantly surprised. "Fuck yeah man, let's go."

**AN- So Emmett's coming along a little bit, yeah? Next chapter will be lots more of their progress, not so much of this official type stuff which I hope wasn't too boring. It was necessary.**

**Anyway, thanks for reading and I hope you still like it! Thanks for those of you who have left really nice reviews, I get all giddy inside whenever I read them :))**


	9. Chapter 9

EMPOV

"Do you want to go get that food?" Edward rushed out. He looked like a fish out of water and for a few seconds there, I thought he was going to pass out or something. But he snapped out of it, so it seemed, and now he was asking to go get dinner? To say I was confused would be the biggest understatement _ever_.

But Edward was here, at my door, asking to spend time with me. Somewhere in his brain he wanted to come over here, even if he did look like he'd just been hit by a truck.

My confusion turned to satisfaction and I grinned. "Fuck yeah man, let's go."

I had actually sort of been sleeping. Mom had told me to stay upstairs for a few hours, so I decided to take a nap. When Edward knocked on the door, I assumed it was her again, reminding me to stay put or something.

"Hold on, just a second." I left my door open, indicating that he could come in if he wanted. I pulled a sweatshirt on and decided that my sweatpants were fine. That's what Edward was wearing anyway. I grabbed some tennis shoes and shoved my feet into them before digging my keys out of the pocket of my jeans on the floor.

When I stood up straight again, Edward was still in the doorframe, watching me dig around in my messy room.

"What? We can't all be neat freaks…"

He cracked a bit of a smile at that, shaking his head like he agreed. I had gotten a few glimpses of his room since he moved in and I was pretty sure Mom was going to disown me soon now that she knew how clean a teenage boy _could_ be. I should really clean it though. I was a little embarrassed that Edward had seen it this dirt y. I didn't know why though, Alice was just in here yesterday and it didn't bother me.

After grabbing my phone, I was ready to go. "Okay, let's go. You have shoes downstairs?"

"Uh, no. Hold on." He went back to his room, hesitating for a second at the door. He left it open like I had though and went inside to his closet. The room looked exactly the same as it did before he moved in. The bed was even made. It was a little freaky.

He came back out of his closet with navy converse on. He turned the light out and shut his door.

We walked downstairs in a somewhat awkward silence, but I was beginning to realize that the silences were more of just Edward being a quiet guy than it really being _awkward_.

When we got to the second floor landing, I heard more voices than could be just Mom and Dad, so I stopped just short of the top step.

"They're all still here?" I whispered to Edward, talking about Dad's friend Aro and the cops that were supposed to come and talk with Edward. Was he _allowed_ to leave right now?

He shrugged before adding, "I guess so…" also in a whisper.

"So…can you leave now or do they need you still?"

"I'm done." He nodded towards the stairs, as if encouraging me to go on.

I squinted my eyes at him, wondering if I was about to get in trouble again for _pressuring him to go out. _

Fuck it, I said to myself as we both continued down the stairs. I got to the bottom first and took in the scene. Mom, Dad, Aro, and a man and a woman I didn't know were all sitting on the couches, looking up at me. They had obviously heard me coming.

"Emmett, I thought I told you- Edward? What are you two doing?" Esme asked, confused when she saw Edward follow up behind me.

"We're just gonna go get some dinner. Edward wanted to and I haven't eaten yet either," I shrugged, trying to show her it wasn't a big deal.

"I don't know if that's a good idea tonight, Emmett."

"Mom, come on. It's doesn't have to be a huge thing, we'll be back in a little while. I have my phone." I started heading for the door. Edward followed, but it obviously wasn't going to be as easy for him. Esme followed us, meeting us by the front door and putting a hand on Edward's arm, stopping him. She talked with a low voice, as if the people ten feet away couldn't hear her.

"Honey, I know you're upset tonight, but I don't think this is the best way to deal with it." Real cool Mom, way to embarrass him.

"I'm not upset. I just want to go somewhere," he said quickly. _Nice_, there was no way she would actually force him to stay here, not after what he had been through. Please.

"Are you sure you're up to that right now?" Edward nodded, trying to be convincing. Esme eyed him disbelievingly, and then nodded. "Put your coats on. And call me if you're going to be gone long."

I went and grabbed our coats from the rack and handed it to Edward on our way out the door. Jeez, it was like a prison break or something.

Once we were in my car, I turned on the radio and pulled down the drive.

"So what did you have in mind exactly?" I asked him, knowing full well there was nowhere good to eat in Forks.

"I don't know. I'm not really that hungry, I just wanted to leave." _Shocking_.

"Can't imagine why…." I said sarcastically and he gave a half-hearted laugh. "Well I hate to break it to you, but you have moved into a town with no decent food. How about we drive up to Port Angeles and I'll show you where to get some adequate nutrition." If he wanted to drive, we might as well drive.

"Sure," he sounded more amused than I had heard before. I doubt he knew that Port Angeles meant we would be in the car for a few hours, but he could probably use the mini road trip.

"Oh, I should probably tell Mom we're heading up there," I remembered. I dug around in my pocket until I reached my phone. I thought about calling her but decided against it, seeing how she would most definitely try to convince me to come back home. A text would work just fine.

I was pulling onto the highway by now so I handed my phone to Edward instead. "You wanna text Mom for me? Tell her we're going up to Port Angeles."

"Uhh…"

"What?" Oh, shit. He'd probably didn't do a lot of texting. Whoa. "Oh fuck, dude, have you never texted before?" I looked over at him and he was shaking his head.

"Wow. Okay, pay attention." I went through it step by step, instructing him on what buttons to press and what to type. I didn't want to sound like I thought he was stupid or anything. I mean, I guess it was logical that he wouldn't have had a cell phone before, but I just hadn't considered that a teenager didn't get this.

When he had sent it, I told him, "Man, we gotta get you a phone."

"Why? It's not like I know anybody."

I guess that was true, but still. "Well, I mean…you just need one. It's convenient anyway. Plus, if you're out, Mom will want to call you." That was a lame reason, but it was the only practical excuse I could think of. Edward didn't call me on it. "I'm sure you'll meet people once all this shit blows over anyway."

It was quiet for a few minutes. Edward was staring out the window, but he seemed legitimately interested. His head was moving all around, looking at different things. It was just a dark highway road, I wasn't sure what all there was to look at, but I guess he was just taking it all in. It sucked that he was so fascinated by something so ordinary, but it also made me want to show Edward everything he had been missing. He had lost time to make up for. I wanted to help him do it.

My phone ringing in Edward's hand snapped us out of the silence. He jumped a little and I wanted to laugh a little, but I did my best to hold it in. I held out my hand and he gave my phone back. Glancing at the screen, I was surprised to see that it wasn't Mom, but Rose.

I thought about ignoring it, but then I would have to explain to Edward.

"Hey Rose."

"Hey, are you coming over?" she asked, sounding a bit rushed. I racked my brain for a minute, trying to remember if we had made plans that I forgot about.

"Uh, actually me and Edward are going for some dinner. Did we have plans?" I hoped that wouldn't piss her off.

"Oh…not really, I guess I just assumed you would. You're taking Edward out though? Did your parents make him go?"

I chuckled a little before saying, "No, no, nothing like that, we just wanted to get out of the house for a while. We're on the highway going up to Port Angeles." I had to be careful of saying something stupid in front of Edward. Rose wasn't really caught up on his status. She knew who he was of course, but I don't think she really understood what rough shape he had come here in.

"Oh…well am I ever going to get to meet this guy?"

"Um, I mean I guess. But I would have to ask first."

"Your parents or Edward?" she asked a little sarcastically.

"Both, I guess."

"You should have people over this weekend. Jasper and Bella. Maybe Jake too...we can all meet him."

"Listen, I have to ask first, I'm not sure if…" I glanced at Edward, he was looking out the window, "If I'm allowed to do that. I'll let you know, okay?"

"Okay…" she sounded suspicious.

"Alight, I'm driving so I should go. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

"Yeah, I'll see you."

"Alright, love you," I mumbled, for some reason embarrassed.

"Love you too…" she said, sounding a little funny before she hung up.

I didn't know what I was going to do about Rose. I felt like I was lying to her. But I didn't want to break up with her and I didn't want her to be my girlfriend anymore, so what the hell was I supposed to do?

"Rosalie wants to meet you," I told Edward when I was tired of my internal indecision.

"Oh? Why?"

"I don't know. I guess she's curious. I mean, you live with us now, so why wouldn't she?"

"Does she know…you know, who I am?"

"Uh, yeah. But she's the only one I think. She would never say anything, you know." As much as I was confused about our relationship, I _did_ trust Rose. She would never say anything to hurt a family member.

"It's fine. Everyone's going to figure it out eventually, right?" He sounded almost wishful, like he wanted people to know.

"I guess they will.… Do you _want_ people to know?" I asked, confused as to why that was something somebody would want attention for.

"No. But sooner or later, someone's gonna figure out where I am. I guess I'm just dreading it, but it'll be nice when it's over." I didn't know if it would be over. Would there be a time that he wasn't a big deal? "It'd be nice to meet one person who didn't know," he added at the end.

"I bet more people are clueless than you think. You should meet my other friends. None of them pay any attention to the news or anything. Mom and Dad didn't want us to say anything to them, so I bet they wouldn't know, at least at first."

He was quiet for a minute. He seemed thoughtful, but what he asked next I didn't expect. "Do _you_ watch the news?" I knew what he was really asking.

"No. I don't want to support all the stuff they say about you. It's nobody's business. Except…okay I admit I Googled you. But it was before you moved in. I expect anything people wright about you now is bullshit anyway. You haven't talked to anyone, how would they know anything?"

"You Googled me?" He sounded confused.

"Yeah, man. You haven't looked yourself up online?" I was surprised at that. If I was in his position I would want to know what people were saying about me, even if none of it was true. But maybe he just wanted to forget about it.

"Where are we going, exactly?" It didn't escape my notice that he changed the subject without answering.

"Well, Port Angeles is a little bit of a drive, we should be there in another half hour or so. Sorry I didn't warn you how far it was…" I hoped he wasn't mad that I was keeping him in the car so long.

"No, it's okay, I kind of like car rides now."

"Yeah? Are you going to learn to drive soon?" I'm sure Dad would buy him a nice car.

"I don't know, Carlisle offered to teach me but…"

"But what? I'm sure he'd love to." I know Dad was feeling a little bad about freaking Edward out on several occasions. He was afraid Edward was scared of him now and I sort of agreed. Whenever I watched them in the same room, Edward obviously avoided him, sitting away from him or taking the long way around so he didn't walk right by him. It was a little sad though, because Dad was pretty much the gentlest, kindest guy ever, so Edward didn't have any reason to be afraid of him.

"Yeah, I just don't want to bother him. I'm sure he's busy. I don't have anywhere to go anyway."

He kept saying stuff like that; he didn't know anyone, he didn't have anywhere to go, it was like he thought he had no purpose. He needed to get out more and maybe meeting my friends was a good idea.

"You'll find places to go. I bet you would like driving. I could teach you," I said, excited at the idea although I knew Carlisle would never go for it.

He looked at me with raised eyebrows, like he didn't believe me.

"Seriously!"

Edward scoffed a little and shook his head.

"That's it, I'm teaching you. Tomorrow. After school. Living room," I said matter of factly.

"You're going to teach me how to drive…in the living room."

"You sound like you don't trust me! I'm an excellent driver, I'll show you how it's done, you just wait."

"Mhmm," he said, amused.

I liked that I could make him sound like that. He had talked way more than I had ever heard before, and he was completely keeping up with everything I said, even though it would be expected that some of it would go over his head. He was even being a bit sarcastic. My parents definitely tiptoe around him way too much. He was going to be fine.

I, on the other hand, most definitely would not be okay.

EPOV

When he finally pulled off the highway, it was obvious that Emmett was very excited about wherever he was taking me. The city we drove into was much smaller than Seattle, but still huge compared to Forks. I had really only seen the one main road in my new hometown, and it didn't seem like much was there. Here, in Port Angeles, there at least seemed to be some activity.

Emmett drove through the streets, pointing out important features of the town, the waterfront, movie theatre, shopping, a bookstore, and a few restaurants before he turned down yet another street and finally parked the car on the side of the street. I was trying to take everything in but he was driving too fast. I tried not to be too obvious that I was fascinated by all the action and new places, but I knew Emmett would catch on with my head constantly turning this way and that. Finally, he pulled the car to the side of the road and parked.

It was dark by now. There weren't many people around but a few were walking swiftly on the sidewalk, no doubt eager to get to their destination and out of the cold.

"I hope you like Mexican food. This place has fantastic burritos. We should probably get them to go though. I'm sure Mom is freaking out by now," he told me while he turned the car off and grabbed his phone from the cup holder it had been resting in.

He opened his door and stepped out, closing the door behind him. I was frozen in my seat. I didn't want to get out of the car. Trying to reason, I told myself that nobody here was going to hurt me. I was just going inside for a minute and I could come right back out, into the car and on my way home. Just get out of the car.

I reached for the door handle, but as I touched it, my hand was shaking. I didn't want to leave. I didn't know what was out there and I had no desire to find out. When I had asked Emmett if we could go get some food, I honestly wasn't really thinking about the final destination. I just wanted to get out of the house.

But now, yet again, I was making a freak of myself in front of Emmett. Why did I get myself into these situations? I could have just stayed in my room tonight, safe and warm, and without the possibility of embarrassment. But now I was here, and I had to move.

Right before I was going to force myself to step out of the car, Emmett's door opened again. I jumped, stupidly expecting some crazed lunatic who had come in after me while Emmett was all of two feet away.

It was only Emmett of course. He stuck his head back in and when I glanced at his face, he looked concerned.

"Are you coming in man? It's just right there," he told me, pointing to the storefront about ten feet away from the spot on the curb where we were parked. I nodded, trying to look like I didn't think it was a big deal.

Finally, I opened the door handle and pushed the door open. I stepped out onto the sidewalk and straightened up, looking around for Emmett.

He was already on the sidewalk in front of me, motioning to the restaurant. I took a step forward, trying to relax.

I was only a few feet from Emmett, but when a middle-aged woman wrapped up tight in her coat and scarf walked between us, I froze, trying to make sure she didn't notice me. Unfortunately, I saw her eyes dart to my face. The moment was longer than I was okay with, and when we made eye contact, I just _knew_ that she knew who I was. She must know about James and the things he did to me, she knew about my parents and where I was staying now, she could tell others and then my little circle of safety I had started to build would be gone.

When she passed me and consequently looked away, the moment was over and I realized that she obviously couldn't read my mind. She probably had no idea that I was anybody other than a random stranger on the street. It was only me that was making a big deal about it.

Emmett, having no idea of the terrifying moment I just had, was already at the door, holding it open and waiting for me.

I blinked rapidly and looked up at him, trying to slow down my breathing so he didn't realize something weird had happened.

He looked expectantly at me, and I realized I couldn't do this. Surely there were more people inside that I would not only have to look at, but probably talk to. I couldn't do it without making a freak of myself. I didn't want to try either. I decidedly didn't like people very much, if my interaction with that woman was any indication.

"I, um…uh I think I'll just wait in the car," I mumbled to him. I didn't think he would be able to hear me, but apparently he did.

When I looked up, he shrugged and said, "Sure, I'll be right back then." He held up the keys so I could see before tossing them to me. I caught them and watched him go inside the building.

I fumbled with the key in the lock because my hands were shaking so much. Eventually, I figured out that the black remote thing attached to the keychain was for the car too. It had a picture of an opened lock on it and when I pressed it, all the locks popped open. Relieved, I basically fell into the car and slammed the door behind me.

I tried to take some deep breathes, collecting myself before Emmett came back.

That could have been worse. I mean, it wasn't good, but it could have been really bad. Hopefully Emmett wouldn't bring it up.

When Emmett finally did come back, he was holding a huge brown paper bag and drinks. He didn't say anything about what just happened with me, focusing on the food and telling me how to eat the giant burrito he bought me.

We didn't talk as much, Emmett only pointing out a few things around town that he didn't mention before. I tried to eat all of my food, it was good but way too much, and after forcing it all down, I felt a little sick.

It sucked that I had made the situation awkward yet again, but I tried to be positive about it. At least Emmett didn't feel the need to force conversation. We were alright just sitting, me taking in the road and him driving. I wasn't sure if it was just me that felt the atmosphere shift. Emmett seemed fine, just quieter than usual.

We eventually made it back to the house. All of the visitors were thankfully gone and Esme and Carlisle were relaxing in the living room.

After I reassured them that I was fine several times, they finally let me be. I made my way to my room, happy to forget the day's events and fall asleep.

Wednesday, December 1st

When I woke up the next morning, I felt…good. I had been expecting to have nightmares after the long day yesterday, but I slept through the night. I was thrilled to have the business with the police over with. I wanted to forget about all that had happened and start over with this family. I didn't have anything looming over my head anymore. I could focus on living my life.

I got up, showered, got dressed, and went downstairs around nine. I found Esme in the kitchen, as expected. Emmett and Alice were presumably at school and Carlisle at work. It was nice that everyone was where I expected them to be. No surprises today.

"Good morning," I said to Esme before she even noticed me. She looked up from the paper, surprised.

"Well you're up early this morning. Feeling alright today?" I wished she wouldn't ask that. She just assumed that I would be upset about yesterday. I was trying to forget it, so I brushed it off with a nod.

"Would you like some breakfast? I can make you some eggs and-"

"Actually, can I get it? I'll just eat cereal if that's okay." I wanted to do something for myself, tired of her waiting on me all the time. I could do it.

"Oh…sure you can, you know where everything is?" I nodded again before going about my business. I went to the pantry and got the box before getting a bowl and spoon. I grabbed the milk and orange juice from the fridge, fixing my cereal and a glass of juice and sitting down next to Esme at the table. She smiled at me while I started to eat.

"So you had a good time last night with Emmett?" she started. I knew she wanted to ask more questions last night but was holding back.

"Yeah. We got burritos and he showed me some stuff in Port Angeles." I tried to give her some details.

"Oh, good. Port Angeles is the closest real city to us, you'll probably be spending a lot of time there." I nodded, already having learned this from Emmett. "I'm glad you two are getting along."

I guess we were getting along. I realized I had never made a decision about being okay with Emmett, I just was. It was strange that I had never considered fearing him. He was big and strong and male….things that should logically scare me. Maybe it was his humor or the carefree attitude he usually had, but it had never crossed my mind to try to stay away from him.

When I finished my breakfast, I cleaned out my dishes and put them in the dishwasher. Esme usually wanted to do this for me, but today she seemed happy to let me do it on my own.

"Oh, I forgot to tell you last night, but Dr. Garrison thinks you deserve a day off. She said she'll see you on Friday."

"Oh…okay." A free afternoon would be nice I suppose, not that I had much planned anyway. What was I supposed to do with a 'day off'?

Esme continued, not giving me much time to dwell on this new dilemma. "I have a few errands to run this morning. I've got to get something in the mail for a client and I thought I would do some grocery shopping while I'm out. Would you like to come with me?"

I sighed. How long could I deny her requests to go exploring the town with her? I just went out last night, wasn't that enough?

"You don't have to, you know. It's up to you." She only sounded a little disappointed. I was tired of not meeting her expectations. But the thought of walking around a grocery store while she shopped was way worse. I still had yet to successfully get out of a car in a public place and I didn't want another scene today.

"I guess I'd rather stay…if that's okay." I didn't look at her.

"Of course it is. You'll be okay here alone? Carlisle won't be home until about two, and I really want to get my package to the post office before then."

I haven't been alone in ….well I don't really ever remember being alone. Of course, at _his_ house I was alone often, when he went to work, but it really wasn't any different than when he was home. I still stayed in my room. I didn't feel any more alone. It wasn't like I had privacy. It would be strange to say the least being all by myself in this big house, with nobody watching me or telling me what I could or couldn't do.

"If you don't feel comfortable with that, of course I'll stay. It's really not that important that I go out." I must have taken too long to answer, she was backtracking as fast as she could.

"No, it's fine. I'll be okay. You can leave, I'm fine alone."

I finally looked up at her, trying to see if I had been convincing. She was watching me intently, but I couldn't read her face.

"Okay. I know you'll be fine," she said, like she was trying to convince herself as well. I nodded, glad she wasn't going to treat me like a baby.

Soon enough, she was leaving me. She wrote down her cell number again and left it by the kitchen phone. I wasn't supposed to hesitate to call her for any reason. She told me she would only be gone for an hour tops.

Holding her purse, the package, and her car keys in her hand, she asked me one last time, "You're sure you're going to be okay?" I nodded, smiling a little at her concern. "Because you can come with me if you want." I shook my head _no_. "Okay. Bye, Edward. I'll be back soon." She opened the garage door and took a step out, but before shutting the door she turned back and said one more thing. "Edward? Explore the house a little, yeah? Snoop around some while nobody's looking. We don't mind." She smiled and I couldn't contain mine either. Finally, she shut the door. I watched her pull out and drive down the driveway from the living room window.

It was silent. Like really silent. My stomach felt funny, sort of nervous, but sort of excited at the same time. I looked around the big living room. Too many bad moments have already happened in this room, I couldn't help but have a bit of a grudge against it. No need to spend more time here anyway. I made my way upstairs. Esme told me to snoop, but I didn't really want to. Alice's door was wide open and I glanced in. It looked a lot like her. Pink and yellow, with posters on the walls and a counter with a mirror and lots of bottles. I thought about going in, but I didn't see much point, so I moved on. I went into the bathroom down the hall that I had never been in and then looked out a window that gave me a different view of the backyard. I think I could see the stream Esme had told me about.

Making a point to avoid Carlisle and Esme's room, I made my way further upstairs and found myself at Emmett's door. I had already seen into this room, but I found myself oddly interested. Curious. I pushed the door open, still standing outside.

It was as much of a mess as it was yesterday, but it didn't bother me too much. I mean, if my room was like this, I would be panicking, but it seemed normal for him to have a messy room. He was a teenage boy, he was supposed to be a slob, right?

His bed was pushed in the corner of the room, unlike mine which was in the middle. It was unmade and half the blankets were hanging on the floor. He had a huge TV, much like mine, but his was attached with all kinds of wires running to different remote things, I assumed different video games, although I had never played. On a board hanging on the wall close to his door, he had pictures. He was in most of them with a girl about his age, but some other pictures were with other guys and sports teams. There were a few with his family.

I never stepped foot into his room but all of a sudden, I wished I hadn't even looked inside. It just magnified all of the things that were different about us. He had a life, friends, and things to do. I was snooping around his room because I didn't know what to do with myself when I was alone.

After shutting the door to a crack like I found it, I went back downstairs immediately, wishing I hadn't even gone up there. Back on the main floor, I went into the room with the piano. It was shiny and big and looked like something I wasn't allowed to touch. But I did. I went over to it and for some reason just wanted to run my fingers along its smooth top. Then I sat down at the bench. Opening the lid, I looked at the big black and white keys. They looked so fancy, like I would break them or ruin them if I touched them. So I looked at them for a while, just thinking.

All the shit with the police being over, I wondered what came next for me. I guess I still had meetings with Dr. Garrison for the foreseeable future, and I was surprisingly okay with that. She had gotten me through the whole interview thing relatively unscathed. She even gave me the day off from talking about it. She was okay.

Other than that, I guess I was just supposed to…hang out. Maybe I could ask Esme about the GED thing again. I should do that. That was probably the responsible thing to do, right? Emmett said his friends wanted to meet me. I didn't know about that, but if they came here, I guess I would be okay with that too. If I didn't like it, I could just go upstairs. It might be nice to know some people my age. Maybe.

My hand strayed to the white keys while I was lost in thought about what it would be like to hang out with Emmett's friends like a normal guy. My finger pressed down. They noise was loud and I jumped, not realizing how much noise it would make. But once I did it, I was curious and found myself pressing more keys, not making _nice_ sounds, exactly, but the combinations were interesting and I found that different pressures made more and less sound. I timidly moved up and down the length of the keys, listening to the higher and lower notes, fascinated by the differences but how they were still the same….

Clearly I was distracted, because I heard a door open and it snapped me abruptly out of my zone. I stood up automatically and the piano bench scooted back from my knees. I closed the lid quickly, hoping that Esme hadn't heard me. I moved as silently as I could back to the living room, peeking around the corner towards the door.

"Edward?" Esme was looking towards me, clearly having heard my activities. I knew my face was red, but I hurried towards her like I was caught doing something horrible, which I guess I wasn't, but it was still a little embarrassing for some reason.

"Did everything go okay?" she asked, pretending she didn't see my red face. I nodded quickly.

"Good. Will you help me with the groceries?"

As I helped her unload the bags of groceries from the trunk of her car, she didn't say much, and I hoped she wouldn't ask about my time alone. Unfortunately, later, when she was fixing us some grilled cheese for lunch, she did.

"So, are you interested in the piano? Or in music in general?"

I shook my head, denying everything.

"It's okay if you are. I think that would be great. We could get you some lessons, maybe, and you could learn to play. Or a different instrument even."

"No, I was just, uh, I don't know, messing around I guess. Sorry."

"Don't be sorry, I told you to look around. If it's something that interests you, you should explore it."

I shook my head again and she let it drop. After eating with her, I gladly took a much needed break and napped in my room for an hour or two.

I was honestly a little tired of my bedroom and when I became bored again, I headed back downstairs, remembering Emmett's plans to teach me to drive, whatever that meant. He should be getting home soon.

When I hit the first flight of stairs, I heard them talking. Carlisle was obviously home, and he and Esme were talking in the kitchen. I stopped, not meaning to listen in but not wanting to interrupt them either. When I heard my name, I couldn't bring myself to go back upstairs.

"Edward's still just so hesitant, you know? Like he's scared of us. I don't know what to do to make him feel safe." She sounded like she was about to cry.

"It will take time, Esme. He's just adjusting. He'll get there on his own."

"I know. I _know_. But it's just so frustrating. I want to do something. I want to help him, give him something. Give him everything. Years' worth of things he should already have. But he doesn't ask for anything."

"Maybe he doesn't know what to ask for, or maybe he doesn't need anything you can give him right now. Either way, you can't force him. He just needs the time to get there."

"I want him to want things. He should get to be greedy. He's been through too much to hold himself back like he does. Doesn't he realize that the world's been unfair to him?"

I slid down and sat on a stair towards the top of the staircase and against the wall. I listened.

"There's just not enough that I can do, and I'm so frustrated. This is harder than I thought it was going to be."

My head was leaning against the wall now, and I was surprisingly calm. I heard Carlisle try to comfort Esme and then eventually she said she needed some air. The garage door opened again and I assumed they both went out, leaving me alone again.

When Carlisle came around the corner and my eyes met his, I couldn't even bring myself to be alarmed or scared. I didn't move. He looked up at me, clearly more surprised than I was, and sighed deeply. He ran a hand through his hair before climbing the stairs up to me. He turned and sat a few steps below me, turned to the side a little so I could see his face.

He didn't say anything, neither did I.

I wracked my brain for something to ask for. Esme _wanted_ me to want something from her. I couldn't come up with anything. I wasn't in the habit of asking or wanting for things, and they had already given me so much, I couldn't image wanting something else from them.

But that's what they wanted. I should try to make them happy. Instead, I was making it hard on them. I didn't realize I was doing anything wrong, and I wish they would have told me before Esme got upset. I didn't want her to be upset. I thought we were okay.

After a long, still pause, Carlisle spoke. "It's been a long week, hasn't it?"

Once he broke the silence, I found myself eager to explain myself.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm making it hard on you, I didn't mean to."

"Edward…none of this is your fault. I don't want you to be sorry, alright?" he asked, looking up at me.

"But Esme….I just don't know what I'm supposed to want from you, I don't want anything."

He nodded, silent again. He was obviously thinking things through and it scared me. Was he mad at me too? Eventually, he continued. "What Esme said…well it isn't your fault. It's our difficulty, not yours. You don't need to worry about anything, that's the last thing we want from you. All she meant was that we want to help you very badly and sometimes it's hard to see if anything we're doing is making it easier on you."

I didn't understand why they cared so much. I couldn't help but feel the pressure that all of their caring put on me. When if I never got any better than I was now? What if I failed them? They would be so disappointed in me and I didn't think I could take it, not after everything they have done for me.

"What you're doing right now, Edward, is very difficult. I don't have to tell you that, but I think you need to know that we are already very proud of you. You're hanging in there, and doing a much better job than we could have expected. Esme's frustration is directed towards us, me and her, not you. We just want to make sure that we're keeping up with what you need. We want you to feel safe and we want you to be happy. You should have everything you want, but I know that will take time. You can have all the time you need, we'll be here for as long as you need us. Anything you need or want, just say the word, okay?"

It was hard to believe what he said. I couldn't accept that none of this was my fault. No matter what he said, I could behave differently and Esme wouldn't be as frustrated as she is now. I could change, and she could feel better. I didn't really think I was doing such a terrific job as people keep saying. I mean, I didn't _do_ much. I hadn't even been able to go in public like a normal person. If I'm doing better than they expected, what horrible person could they have assumed I would turn out to be?

"I do feel safe…here," I told him. Here, in this house, I did feel safe. Outside was a different story. Inside my head was also a different story, but I very rarely felt scared here, unless I was dreaming. That was such an amazing change of pace that I couldn't imagine having the right to ask for something else. In a few short weeks, I had gone from living in fear daily to being able to relax and actually be comfortable, even if only for short moments. Just to know what that felt like again was more than I ever hoped for.

"Good. You _are_ safe." Carlisle was looking at me again and I found it hard to keep eye contact with him for so long. When I did meet his eyes, I saw honesty. He really meant it, and for the first time in a long time, I started to believe in the words spoken to me.


	10. Chapter 10

EPOV

So as it turned out, Emmett teaching me to drive in the living room was actually pretty entertaining. Or fun, maybe. I don't know, but I didn't hate it.

As we settled in on the couch in front of the big TV, he explained that there were several 'phases' he planned to take me through before deeming me acceptable to learn in a real car. First, he gave me a lesson on your basic video game controller, what buttons did what and which toggle thing to use when. Once I thought I had that down, he demonstrated with a 'basic driving game'. I couldn't decide if I was supposed to watch the screen or his hands, so much was happening with both it was hard to keep up with.

When he passed it over to me, I saw what he meant when he said I had to learn by experience, not just watching. I did my best to keep the red cartoon car I was supposedly controlling on the road, but needless to say I ran into a lot of things, water, buildings, trees, light poles, and animals just to name a few. Luckily, the car just bounced of them and righted itself on the road, ready for me to direct it again.

Once I had mastered that game, we moved onto a more lifelike game. It was in a city type setting, with stop lights, other cars on the road and people walking on the sidewalk. Besides the fact that Emmett had to steal a car for me to practice with, it seemed much more realistic. When I hit stuff, the car was actually damaged and in one particularly nasty accident, the car burst into flames. Emmett told me not to worry about it and got me another one.

I was focusing pretty hard because Emmett assured me that this was a skill all teenagers should have. I didn't even notice when Alice came into the room to watch. She giggled when Emmett started encouraging me to go faster and I ran off a bridge.

Surprisingly, I was actually having a good time. I didn't mind that people were watching me. I stayed focused on mastering different skills in the game, and Emmett seemed pretty happy with my progress.

Emmett was in the process of putting in a new game when Esme came down the stairs. She hadn't mentioned what I witnessed earlier and I didn't think Carlisle told her I was eavesdropping, although I was sure he would.

"What's going on down here?" she asked sounding pretty cheerful, despite her upset earlier.

"Emmett's teaching Edward how to drive," Alice told her, clearly amused.

"Oh no. Emmett, please tell me that's not true."

"Sorry Mom, a guy's gotta do what a guy's gotta do. He has to learn sometime," Emmett told her while pulling out a steering wheel from the big cabinet underneath the TV system. My eyes widened. I had no idea such things existed for _games_.

"Yes, but I don't think video games are the best way to go about that… I've seen your games, you seem to be crashing or shooting more than anything else."

"We're not crashing or shooting, I promise," Emmett told her, rolling his eyes at her worry. "Well, a few crashes, but not on purpose. He's learning."

"Edward," she addressed me and I looked at her, afraid she was going to make me stop. "Don't take anything he says too seriously, okay? Carlisle will teach you in a _real_ car." She said it with clear amusement in her voice this time. I was glad she approved of my activities somewhat, and that she still thought it was a possibility for me to learn in a real car.

Emmett not only set me up with a steering where but also a break and gas pedal. I was still pretty bad at this new set up when Esme called us all in for dinner.

As I walked into the kitchen, Alice spoke to me, a rarity even though she did do a lot of talking around me. I probably wasn't the most approachable person. "Maybe we can go and get our temps together."

"What?" I didn't know what that meant. Temps?

"You have to go take a written test at the DMV and then they give you a temporary license until you turn 16, or until you have had it for 6 months. Then you can go take the real driving test and get your license. When you have your temps you have to have someone in the car teaching you how to drive," she explained.

"Yes, and that person isn't allowed to be Emmett," Esme said in a warning tone, more directed at him than me. He made a 'mhmm' noise before asking her if we could eat.

Having had a pretty busy day, I headed up to my room after dinner instead of sitting with Esme and Carlisle and watching TV when they invited me. They didn't seem upset, but if I learned anything today it was that they were much better at hiding emotions than I was.

I had slept that morning, so I wasn't really tired yet. Something Emmett said yesterday snuck back into my head though and I was intrigued by it. Googling myself. He seemed to think it was a big deal, while I had never even considered it.

Hesitantly, I picked my computer up and went to the couch in my room. I opened it for the first time since Dr. Garrison had used it to show me pictures.

While the term googling was unfamiliar to me, my limited computer knowledge was enough to enable me to get to Google. That and the fact that it was already on a button at the top of the screen. When I got to the right page, I hesitated. Did I really want to do this? I could see something I didn't want to see.

Eventually, my curiosity got the better of me and I decided nothing could be worse than what actually happened, so I typed 'Edward Masen' into the little box. I pressed the 'search' button and waited for the page to load. It didn't take nearly long enough.

The first thing I noticed was the pictures. A line of seven or eight of them lay below several lines of blue and black type. The house, police officers in front of it, pictures of James and Carlisle, and my picture of me and my parents were all ones I recognized, but there were also a few I didn't. There was a young man in a military uniform and another of a man in a blue suit and tie standing outside of a large fancy looking building on some steps. Who were those people and what did they have to do with me? I clicked on the one of the man in the suit. After skimming the information under the picture, I learned that he was worked for the state and was "prosecuting" James.

Clicking on the blue arrow at the top, I got back to the first page and clicked on the military picture. I was shocked to learn that it was James. It was a picture of him in the army when he was 18. The caption said that he was discharged at 21. How had I not known any of that? I lived with him for 8 years and he never mentioned that? How? I looked at the picture again and tried to see James in it. He was there, but just barely. He looked happy in this picture, something I had never seen. Sure he smirked and laughed, but it wasn't with _happiness_. This picture looked like a completely different man. I didn't want to look at it anymore. It confused me.

Going back to the main list again, I read some of the underlined titles. They pretty much all had my name in them, which was shocking enough, but when paired with terms like victim, terror, captivity, kidnap, and abduction, I was feeling dizzy by just reading the titles.

The first story I clicked on had a school picture from 3rd grade with the title 'A Stolen Life' above it. The first few sentences described the scene the police must have found at my house after I left. My dead parents, my body not found, the car gone. I skipped ahead, not needing to read about that to know what happened.

_Edward, now a 16 year old boy, has been isolated from the outside world during crucial developmental years. As expected, a nurse who treated him shortly after his release describes his as being "like a small child. He was quiet, obviously afraid of authority figures and not wanting to cause any trouble. He didn't know what to do in a new place, was terrified of the unknown surroundings and reacted violently when startled." _

I frowned, wondering which one of the wonderful nurses had said that about me. I opened a new article, irritated already.

I was shocked to find much of the same with the next several clicks. One article said I should be treating this situation like a business transaction, apparently there was much money to be made here and if I didn't do it, someone else would. Another claimed that I should be put in a mental health facility, clearly unable to deal with the trauma of my life's events on my own and any family willing to take in such a damaged child was doing it for greed based reasons. A magazine had already claimed that I had promised my first interview to them and they were waiting for my call.

All of these articles were a strange combination of lies and truth. They seemed to have small snippets of truth, which were exaggerated and twisted around until they found a more interesting story.

A part of me wanted to be upset about what I read, but it didn't matter much to me. What difference did it make? They could say what they wanted, it didn't change the truth of my life. The truth was still worse than all of the things they had said. They didn't know details and never would, because I would never tell anyone.

Emmett already told me that he didn't believe anything that was put on the internet. If he didn't believe it, then I doubted anyone that mattered to me would, and that was all that I cared about.

I closed the laptop, disappointed at what I found but not interested in looking for anything better. I was glad I looked, just to satisfy my curiosity.

I wondered if there were other people like me. That had been taken. All of the people that talked about me acted like they knew what to expect. Had it already happened to someone else and they were waiting for a repeat from me? It was probably best that I didn't know about anyone else like me. I didn't want to know what bad things were ahead for me.

Friday, December 3rd

This morning, I came down for breakfast like usual, but Esme wasn't there. She must have been upstairs still. Nobody else was around, and I saw something on the counter that wasn't there the night before. Taking a closer look, I saw a cell phone and a wallet. Not unusual by themselves, but there was a note next to them that made my knees buckle.

_Edward- It's about time that you had both of these. The family's numbers are all already programed into the phone. Feel free to use what's inside of the wallet._

Opening the smooth brown wallet with shaking fingers, I found a black card sticking out from one of the slots. Pulling it out, I saw that it had my name on it. A credit card? Further inspecting the wallet, I found a stack of bills inside the main compartment.

What did they think I was going to spend so much money on? I didn't need these things. They were far too generous. It was overwhelming. I would be much too nervous carrying this around.

Picking up the phone, I saw that it looked much like Emmett's, which I had used the other day to text Esme. I couldn't imagine why I would need this either. It wasn't like I went a lot of places, and I would never go anywhere _alone_, would I?

Turning back to the note, I saw the last words of the message.

_Enjoy. – Carlisle_

I had a quiet morning after that, which was a good thing, because I was anticipating a busy afternoon and evening.

Yesterday, Esme had asked me if I wanted to try and meet Emmett's friends. I had already thought about it because Emmett brought it up, so she was surprised when I agreed so readily. I didn't think I would have a problem if I could stay in the house with them. In any case, I tried to make Esme believe that it wouldn't be a big deal. I wasn't sure if she bought it, but she agreed that they could come over.

But first I had my session with Dr. Garrison. She had kindly given me a day to recover from the police interview, but I was afraid she would make me pay for it today. Surely she would have more questions for me that I was tired of answering. I wanted to forget about it, I doubted she would let me do that.

When we were settled into Carlisle's office that afternoon, my prediction came true.

"How did you feel the interview went?"

"It was fine," I said. My lack of eye contact with the doctor probably gave her a more truthful answer.

"I thought you did a great job."

"Can we talk about something else?" If I had to go over the whole thing again I think I would lose it.

"Well what would you like to talk about then?" Why did we always come back to that question? Obviously I didn't want to talk about anything, why did she keep asking me? I gave her _a look_ and shrugged.

"Well that was my topic, so if you want a different one, you have to come up with it on your own," she said a little smugly.

I sighed and leaned my head against the back of the chair, looking at the ceiling. This lady was exhausting sometimes.

"I looked myself up. On the internet, I mean."

"Did you?" I looked back at her. She did not look very surprised, as I expected her to be.

I nodded.

"Were you surprised?"

I shook my head this time.

"Did the things you read bother you?"

I shook my head again, looking away again. I could feel her still looking at me though.

"What did you want to talk about then?" When I shrugged again, she stopped asking, just waiting for me to get to my point, I guess.

I hesitated now, not sure if I wanted to continue. It wasn't very logical, telling the shrink my worries about being crazy, while I was probably supposed to be convincing her otherwise, but who else would I tell?

"They all think…they say stuff like I'm crazy, or…I don't know."

"That worries you? What people on the internet think about you?" I scrunched my eyebrows, thinking about her words.

Was that so unreasonable? I only knew a handful of people in this world, and those people didn't seem to think I was insane, but maybe they were faking it. Maybe everyone is lying to me and the majority of people who don't know me, they could be the ones telling the truth.

"I don't care that they think stuff about me…but how do I know who's right?"

"You're worried that you might actually be crazy?" she asked, rather directly.

"How could I not be? I'm not like other people."

"Edward… you're far from the first person to wonder that. I'm not inside your thoughts, but I would imagine you wonder that because you see people around you that haven't had a life like yours. Your reactions and emotions are different from theirs. That doesn't mean yours are wrong, or any less sane than anyone else's. Your situation is unique. How you deal with it is up to you, and it can in no way be wrong, because it's how you feel."

If I can't be wrong, then why do I have to see her? Why did they want me to take drugs, or try to change the way I act? Obviously if they wanted me to behave differently, there was something wrong with the way I was doing it.

"But I'm just not normal…" I told her, confused. If there was nothing wrong with me, why does everyone assume there is, why was she here, why couldn't I do regular things?

"What is normal? Who is your model person for that definition?"

I rolled my eyes but saw her point. Not everyone could be the same, but clearly, I was not normal. She couldn't deny that.

"I don't know, I'm just not."

"I don't think anyone faults you for not being an _average_ teenager right now. There is no average mold you could fit into. You're the only person that's gone through your situation."

I was tired of having a _situation_. Something that people had to vaguely reference to because it was too awful or awkward to bring up. It was my life, not a situation.

"I think with time, you will realize that you're not so different from other people your age. Your past will not decide your future. Eventually, it will have less and less of an impact on your everyday life. Underneath, you're just a teenage boy. What happened to you isn't who you are, Edward. You're free to decide that for yourself now."

She gave me a minute to think about it, but it didn't matter. Whatever she said, I knew this would always be me. I would never forget. That man had altered me on some other level where it was permanent and I couldn't take it back. It was too late to fix it.

"You don't believe me, do you?" she asked with a hint of amusement in her voice. I shook my head automatically. No point in lying.

"You will, one day." It was impossible to believe that.

"You're going to meet Emmett's friends tonight?"

I shrugged, trying to downplay my nerves.

"I think that will be good for you. Try not to focus so much on your differences, okay? Just have some fun."

I smirked. That wasn't an easy as it sounded.

"Are you nervous?"

"I don't know. A little. Yeah. It's just been a long time since I've had to meet people. I don't want to do something weird."

"It's something new for you, so it's understandable to be nervous. Just remember that if you're uncomfortable, you can always excuse yourself for a while, come back later and try again. You don't have to have a perfect experience the first shot. It may take some time." I nodded, already having thought of that.

"Emmett said some of them wouldn't know who I was." She waited for a question. "Do you think that's true?"

"I don't know his friends, but I don't think he would have lied about that, do you?"

"No I mean, wouldn't they figure it out? I don't think he told them, but what happens when they meet me and realize who I am?"

"If they don't know, I doubt they will figure it out unless you tell them."

"But what if they do?"

"Then they know," she said, shrugging. "If you want them to be your friends, you should be honest with them eventually anyway. And if they are worthy of your friendship, they won't care what happened in your past."

"But they will," I insisted.

"Has anybody you've met cared so far?" I shrugged, not knowing what they truly thought of me.

"Emmett knows the basics of what happened, right?" I nodded, he did know about James at least. Hopefully that was all he would ever know. "Okay, so do you think he's changed his opinion of you based on that?"

"I guess not. I don't know."

"Give these people a chance, they might surprise you. Try to have an open mind at least, okay?"

It was hard to do that, sitting on the Cullen's couch later, waiting for Emmett's girlfriend to arrive. I was feeling very defensive already, thinking up responses to imaginary accusations.

Emmett didn't seem much calmer. He was sitting across from me, fidgeting and sneaking glances at me every few seconds. Was he worried I would embarrass him? But he insisted several times he wanted me to meet them.

Rosalie, Emmett's girlfriend, was going to get here soon, and after that a Bella, Jake and Jasper would be coming. Esme and Carlisle were upstairs, Alice was around here somewhere, and they were going to order pizza again later for dinner. It seemed a lot like a normal night for a teenager, except that Emmett and I were both sitting here fidgeting and awkward.

I had a view of the window when a little red car pulled up, parking out of sight again. I looked at Emmett, only to see that he was looking at me. I didn't understand why he seemed so nervous. I gave him a small smile, trying to show that I was okay, and if I was okay, he surely should be too.

I thought Emmett would get up to get the door, but he didn't. He just stared at me, looking a little bit confused or something. I raised my eyebrows, wondering what he was waiting for. Just when I was starting to become uncomfortable under his gaze, he shook his head and stood up abruptly. Before he got to the door, it opened and a very tall, very confident looking girl walked in. She was smiling widely, her long blonde hair down around her face.

As the door shut, I watched her and Emmett's interaction. She was smiling the whole time as he held his arms out for her, she walked into them, and their lips met. The kiss was short, but the look she gave him after told me enough. She was very happy with him.

When Emmett took her hand and turned around, leading her back over to the couches and me, he was looking down and his face was a little red.

"Edward, this is Rosalie. Rose, this is Edward," Emmett said, waving his hand to each of us.

They both sat on the couch, their hands joined on Emmett's lap.

"Hi Edward," she smiled. After I returned her greeting, I realized she knew. She _knew_. I wondered what she thought about me. It was one thing meeting adults, but people my age might be a little freer with what they thought and said about me. I wondered if she would leave and talk about me with her other friends.

She seemed pretty casual though, so I wondered if I was making a bigger deal about it than I thought.

"Finally. Emmett's been all mysterious about you, like you're a secret," she laughed. I tried to smile a little and nod, hopefully an acceptable reaction as I had nothing to say after that. I _was_ a secret, sort of. I still hadn't decided if that was a good thing.

"So you like it here so far?" she asked as she toed off her shoes and pulled her feet up onto the couch and tucked them underneath her legs. She seemed very comfortable here, more comfortable than I was, and I lived here.

"Uh, yeah. It's great." She didn't look like she believed me, but it was the best I could do.

"So who else is coming?" she asked Emmett, looking away from me for what felt like the first time since she walked in.

"Bella and Jake will be here soon and Jasper said he was coming, I don't know where he is though."

"Is Alice here?" she asked, hinting at something I didn't get.

Emmett glared at her and she snickered. "Yes," he said shortly. "She is upstairs, where she will stay."

"Mhmm…" she smiled, glancing at me. When she caught my eye again she winked, amused. I was sorting out what that meant and why it made me so uncomfortable when there was another knock at the door. Emmett got up and let two more people in.

The first was a really tall guy, I mean a good 4 inches taller than Emmett tall, with long black hair tied behind his head. He had darker, tanned skin and I had to admit to myself that he was a bit intimidating. Despite his friendly smile, he looked like he could be dangerous. He was pulling a girl in behind him. As soon as they were both in the door, he wrapped an arm around her shoulder, clearly being very protective of her.

She didn't seem bothered by it. The girl herself was small, smaller than Rosalie but taller than Alice, with long brown hair and another friendly smile. She looked a little nervous though, and I wondered if that was because of me or if something else had her agitated. Her eyes found me immediately and she blushed and looked down when she realized I was already looking at her.

"Edward, this is Jacob Black and Bella Swan," Emmett told me as he ushered them in and shut the door again.

Despite the fact that the guy intimidated me a little, I had to admit he seemed nice enough as he walked over to me, held out his hand for me to shake and said, "Hey it's nice to meet you Edward."

I nodded, shaking his large hand and said it back, feeling awkward as he pulled Bella down on the couch next to me and wrapped an arm around her again, pulling her close enough she was basically in his lap.

Between them and Emmett and Rosalie, I was starting to feel a little out of place. I didn't realize all of these people were _together_.

Conversation was a little forced for a few minutes, they were obviously not sure what to say to include me in the conversation, but after a little while, they stopped trying to force me to participate and just talked about other stuff. They talked about football until Bella made them change the topic out of apparent boredom, and then they talked about their classes and what they were going to do on Christmas break. It was fun to listen to them banter back and forth. They obviously knew each other well and were very comfortable together. I was wondering how long they had all been friends when a question from Jacob distracted me.

"So where did they find you at?" I froze, wondering what on earth I should read into that. Maybe he was just trying to make light of the whole foster care thing, but it was an odd way to ask where I was from.

"Jake!" Bella scolded him, smacking his arm.

"What? I was just asking…" I glanced at Emmett, wondering if Jacob truly didn't know anything about me or if he was acting.

Emmett's eyes were a little wide, looking about as startled as I felt but the abrupt topic change.

"Ignore him Edward," Bella told me.

"No, it's okay. I'm from Seattle." Technically that is where they _found me_.

"Oh, cool, that's where Emmett's from, right?" he asked Emmett, looking back over at him. I had never heard anything else about Emmett's past other than when he told me he was adopted.

"Yeah," he said shortly, obviously not wanting to go into it any deeper.

"Me and Rose are both from Forks, but Bella's from Phoenix," he told me matter of factly. I nodded, not sure what he wanted me to say to that. I knew Phoenix was the capital of Arizona from my studying, but I didn't have anything intelligent to say about it.

"You're not from Forks," Rose told him.

"Fine, I'm from almost Forks, happy?" he shot back. She smirked but explained.

"Jake lives in La Push, it's the reservation here. His Dad makes him go to school there instead of with us." Reservation?

There was another knock on the door, thankfully again interrupting this conversation. This time a guy came in alone. He was also pretty tall but skinnier than the other two guys in the room with blond curly hair. He too shook my hand and introduced himself as Jasper before stiffly sitting down on the armchair. He was looking uncomfortable, his eyes darting from Emmett to the stairs several times. It was nice to know that whatever issues they had didn't involve me and something was awkward without my input. Nice change of pace.

Shortly after his arrival, Emmett started drilling Jasper on what he had been doing lately, something Rosalie found very amusing.

"It'll be nice having Edward around, won't it? Now you're not the only _single_ guy," Emmett told him, rather bluntly. Emmett was staring at him, waiting for an answer to the unusual question.

Japer looked a little bit scared. He nodded slowly while looking away from Emmett's glare.

After a tense silence, Jacob started laughing, throwing his head back onto the couch cushion behind him. Bella and Rosalie both chuckled a little, but Emmett did not look amused. I hadn't realized how stiff the atmosphere had gotten. It felt much more relaxed now, even if Emmett was upset.

"Em, leave the poor guy alone. He hasn't done anything," Jacob said, exasperation laced in with his amusement. Emmett opened his mouth to respond, but Jacob continued, standing up at the same time. "I'm starving, can we get something to eat?"

Everyone else followed his lead, standing and heading towards the kitchen. I noticed Jasper was the first one out of the room. Once he was gone, Emmett visibly relaxed and looked over at me again.

Everyone had pretty much cleared out of the room, so Emmett asked, "You alright man?" I nodded, being honest for once. I was okay, surprisingly. I wasn't exactly _enjoying_ myself, but I was observing and getting used to a group of teenagers, about the best I could expect from myself right now.

Emmett stood, walked over to me, and held his hand out, offering to help me up from the low couch. I accepted the gesture naturally, letting him pull me to my feet. I rarely touched people so casually, which I blamed for the blush on my face when he dropped my hand again.

The next few minutes were spent standing around in the kitchen, snacking and talking casually. The pizza arrived and as we started eating, I actually starting to relax a little. When Alice came downstairs, claiming to have smelled the food, things got tense again. Luckily, Bella and Jacob drew me into their conversation while Emmett and Jasper glared at each other over the tiny girl in the kitchen.

"So how long have you been here?" he asked me again, looking confused as if trying to figure me out.

"A few weeks…" I said vaguely, not wanting him to come up with more specific questions.

"Oh, I had no idea. Emmett has been gone a lot lately, but he didn't say anything about you until a few days ago. I'm surprised he didn't bring you to meet us already."

I just shrugged, pretending to not know why either.

"So you don't go to school with them yet?" he pressed.

"No," I hedged, wishing he would drop the inquisition before someone figured it out.

"But, why?"

"Jake, he just doesn't, okay?" Bella snapped suddenly, making both of us look towards her. Her eyes widened a little and she looked surprised at herself. She muttered a halfhearted apology before glancing towards me again.

And in that moment, I saw it. She knew. She knew who I was, where I came from, and why I was so different from everybody else here. I saw it in her eyes. Pity. It explained why she was acting weirder than the rest of them around me, she knew and they didn't.

I didn't know if she had figured it out because she has put the pieces together or if someone had told her, but I had a feeling she already knew when she walked in. I guess it didn't matter.

I felt my face redden before I glanced back at Jacob. He still looked confused. Clearly nobody had let him in on the secret yet. I wasn't going to either, so he could be confused for all I cared.

The rest of the evening was a bit of a daze for me. I heard them talk and laugh, and eventually we moved back into the living room and settled in around the TV. Somebody put a movie in and I didn't have to pay attention anymore, which was nice.

I had hoped that tonight would bring me some sense of what normal was like. It had, in a way, but it had also made me realize I didn't want to know what normal was like. I didn't have it, and the feeling it left in my gut when I realized this was not a good one. Jealousy raged in me, yet again, because of what they had and what I was missing.

When everyone was settled in and focused on the TV, I finally felt comfortable enough to look around at the people in the room with me. Everybody seemed so peaceful…so happy. Bella was sitting on Jacob's lap, her head resting in the crook of his neck. His hand was twirling the end of her hair around his fingertips. Jasper and Alice were sitting together, not quite touching, but close enough that I'm sure they could feel each other. Every once in a while I saw Jasper sneak a glance down at the girl.

When my eyes fell upon Emmett and Rosalie, I couldn't stop another wave of jealousy roll through my stomach. His legs were stretched out with his feet resting on the coffee table, as he often was when relaxing in front of the TV. But now, he had his girlfriend under his arm, with her head resting on his shoulder and his head leaned back against the top of hers. They looked very casual, so comfortable with each other. Nothing was questioned, they just were there.

I felt a little sick watching them and I didn't understand why. While I had long accepted the fact that I was jealous of other people's lives, it was something further when I looked at Emmett. I felt like I was just seeing this new side of him and the boy I had been so comfortable with wasn't really who I thought he was. This was him. I just couldn't be a part of it, so he changed it when I was there.

I was staring for way too long, I knew that, but I couldn't quite bring myself to look away from the young couple. Rosalie looked so happy. She just fit with him. But it didn't seem all the way….right.

Suddenly, Emmett's eyes shot to mine. I had been caught doing something weird, and as a part of me worried he would say something about it, confront me in front of these new people, I knew he wouldn't. Instead, what I saw I shouldn't have been so happy about. He suddenly looked…sad, or ashamed, or something. His eyes just changed, and for a second I thought that maybe, just maybe, he was still in there. The guy I had thought was there, really was there, and the person I saw sitting on the couch, the same yet so different, was all an act.

He looked at me with a desperate edge in his eyes, almost pleading with me to…what? Understand? I didn't know what he wanted, or if there was anything I could do anyway.

After a long time and all too soon, Rosalie's hand went to Emmett's free one, and he looked away. He looked back to the TV, now holding his girlfriend's hand, and the look I thought I saw was gone. Had I imagined it?

I suddenly really didn't want to be in this room. It was still a pretty foreign concept that I didn't _have_ to stay in this room. Sometimes I didn't even think about it, just accepted situations I didn't like because I had been trained to just deal with them. But as soon as I remembered I could simply stand up and walk away, I did so. It felt good. Making decisions was such a freeing concept. None of them would miss my presence anyway.

Once in my room, my eyes fell once more upon the cell phone and wallet Carlisle had left for me. I couldn't help but be reminded of the conversation I had overheard.

My emotions were clearly running wild today, but combined with the jealousy still lingering from downstairs, disappointment now also clouded my mind when I thought about what I had learned from eavesdropping. I wasn't disappointed with them, but me. I wanted to make someone proud of me, and even though Carlisle had told me that he _was_ proud of me, I couldn't quite believe it. I wasn't proud of myself, how could he be?

I knew what I could do to make him at least a little bit proud, or I would even take reversing the disappointment I had caused with earlier encounters.

I looked at the orange pill bottle that I had been left with. The one containing the anxiety drugs. Did I want to take them? No. But I wanted to do something, make some progress that I could see. Dr. Garrison and my foster parents both thought that me taking these drugs would allow me to do that. Even if it didn't, I could tell them that I tried, right? That was better than the nothing I was currently doing.

So, even though it was early and there were still plenty of people downstairs whose mere presence made me edgy, I picked up the bottle, truly contemplating using one of the pills for the first time.

I stood up, locked my door, and went to the bathroom, locking that door too. I sat on the floor, feeling safe, calm, and oddly relaxed. I was okay now. After twisting and pushing the cap and then knocking out a small white pill onto my hand, I looked at it for a moment longer, before throwing it back without thinking. I continued to try to block it from my mind as I felt it go down my throat.

After the first few minutes, I allowed myself to think of the irony behind these pills. I had anxiety about taking anti-anxiety medicine. Ridiculous. When I felt like enough time had passed that the pill had likely began to dissolve and I couldn't get rid of it even if I tried, I exited the bathroom and laid down on my bed, waiting.

Waiting for what, I wasn't really sure. Surely something would happen that would let me change, let me be more like what was expected of me. I didn't know how to get there, but maybe one day it would happen. Maybe one day I could be like the people downstairs. I could be as happy as Emmett, I could learn how to be like that. Maybe.


	11. Chapter 11

EPOV

Saturday, December 4th

Once again, I found myself in the car with Carlisle, heading towards the hospital. I recognized how backwards it was that I had volunteered myself for this, but I really wanted to show him that I was trying. Not only that, but I wanted the other time to be a fluke. If I could do this right now, it would mean that the first time was the abnormality and I really wasn't that unstable.

If I was really honest with myself, I was not only shocked that I suggested this but I was still completely unsure if I was ready to do this again.

Last night, I had taken one of those pills. The thought just kind of came to me and I didn't think about it, I just did it. I guess on some level I had put my trust in my therapist and Carlisle, hoping their opinions were accurate.

As far as I could tell, they were. I had expected to be knocked out, to feel light headed and confused. But after about a half hour of having the pill inside me, I started to just feel relaxed. My mind sort of…slowed down. I could think about what I wanted to think about and really focus. I did get a little sleepy, but honestly I was tired already and I could probably have fought it and stayed awake. But it felt really good just being relaxed and I let my body fall into sleep. I didn't remember any of my dreams, a blessing in my book.

When I woke up, I was oddly satisfied and ready for another step. I figured the Ativan had worn off by now, and I wanted it to still be affecting me when I tried to do this, so I took another one. Again, before I had time to sit and worry about the consequences, I went down to see where Carlisle was. It was his day off, so he should be around somewhere. It was still pretty early and I hoped he wasn't asleep. Nobody was in the kitchen, so I thought I was out of luck. On my way back upstairs, I saw that his office door was cracked open and a light was coming out of the space.

Swallowing thickly, I made my way over to the door. With a deep breath, I knocked. He called that I could enter, but I suddenly froze up. I didn't want to go in there, I thought he was going to come out. He surely didn't know it was me out here, so I could probably slip away and forget about this. But I didn't move. After a minute, Carlisle appeared on the other side of the door and opened it fully.

"Edward? Is everything okay?" I nodded quickly. He nodded back, acknowledging my answer but still looking a little wary. He backed up and held his arm out to invite me into the room, but I didn't want to go. I shook my head this time, taking a step back further into the hall but didn't leave. "What can I help you with?"

I took another big breath. "I, um…I took one of those pills. You know the ones…?" I was going to describe them but he nodded, understanding already. They were the only pills he had given me to keep, so it made sense. "Yeah, well I took one. Well two. I took one last night and just now too. But I think I'm ready to go to the hospital, if you still want me to."

His eyes widened, obviously shocked at my statement. He was about to respond but I continued. "Except, I have two things…" I wasn't sure what to call them. Exceptions? Requirements? Whatever they were, I needed to say it. "I'm not going to take my clothes off, and I don't want anyone else in the room except you."

He looked surprised, and I understood. I never made demands like that. I wasn't sure if I had a right to, but I just felt like I could right now. So I did. I mean, I volunteered for this, so I should be able to say how, or else we could forget about it.

He seemed to agree, because after only a moment of hesitation, he held out his hand for me. To shake? I looked up at him, confused.

"That sounds like a deal."

I felt the tiniest twinge of a smile on my face, and I reached out and shook the man's hand.

So now here I am, starting over from where I began as I watched the hospital come into view. I tried my very best to stay calm, but there was no way I was getting through this without a little bit of nerve.

"Did you want me to park outside? Or in the garage like last time?"

"Doesn't matter," I said quickly. It really didn't. That had nothing to do with why I freaked out last time.

"Well, I think I'll park in the garage then, we can at least skip the front lobby that way." I nodded, agreeing that was a good idea. The less people I had to see, the better.

We weren't quite there yet though, so he kept talking. "So you were anxious with Emmett's friends yesterday?"

"Not really." I shrugged before adding quietly, "I don't know why I took it…."

"Esme said that you went to bed pretty early, did the meds make you very tired?"

"I guess a little bit. I was already tired though. It didn't make me tired this time."

It was quiet for a second. Carlisle entered the garage. He turned and pulled up a ramp.

"That's good, Edward. Even if you don't end up liking them, I'm glad you tried them. And if you do, you don't have to take them all the time. They're just another tool for you. It's good." He nodded, for emphasis I assumed.

I didn't answer, but he was already parking, and I was mentally preparing myself to get out.

"Ready?" he asked as he unbuckled his seatbelt and grabbed a bag from the backseat. I nodded, really ready this time. I stepped out at the same time he did, and he came around the side of the car, pointing to the door we would enter.

When I did finally step inside the allusive building, I was immediately hit with a cold whoosh of air, and I wondered what was with hospitals and being freezing cold. It was December, wasn't everyone cold enough?

It might not have been the main lobby, but this floor was plenty busy. Luckily, nobody seemed to notice Carlisle and I, all having something more important to attend to. Carlisle led me to the staircase instead of the elevator right next to them. We only went up one flight though, and the stairs were completely empty, unlike the elevator which already had a crowd gathered around it. Carlisle seemed to be pretty good at anticipating where I would be uncomfortable.

Once on the third floor of the hospital, we walked down a few halls, this time with people greeting Dr. Cullen in passing. I looked down whenever this happened, not wanting to encourage them to talk to me.

Carlisle slowed down and was about to say something to me when another man, wearing a white jacket and holding a clip board called out to him from down the hall.

"Dr. Cullen! What are you doing here on your day off?"

Instead of answering him, Carlisle turned to me, blocking me from view of the other man.

"Edward, I'll be a few minutes with him. If you want to step into that room," he gestured towards a door close by that was partially open. I could see some type of exam table inside and that the light was off. It appeared to be empty. "I'll be with you in five minutes or so. You can shut the door, if you want." He nodded at me, assuring me that it was still okay. I turned and moved towards the room and Carlisle gave me a little pat on the shoulder before greeting the man who was now very close.

After I had left Carlisle's side, I rushed into the room, eager to be out of sight of the other people in the hall. I shut the door as gently as I could manage before turning the lights on.

The room was small, a counter on one wall and the cushioned table thing in the middle. There were two other chairs, a stool on wheels and a regular chair with arms. I sat in that one, not wanting to sit on the big table. That seemed silly somehow.

Once I sat I didn't want to be still anymore so I stood up again. I paced a little bit, looking at the stuff on the counter. Jars of cotton looking things and a roll of something plastic. I didn't open the cabinets, for fear of getting caught snooping. There were pictures of flowery landscapes on the walls, pretending to be cheery when I couldn't image anybody _wanting_ to be in here. Everything else was very white and clean. I was very cold.

I tried to remember something about a doctor's visit from my past. I knew I had to have been before, but all I could remember was the horrible experience right after I was found. I was awake but everybody was talking about me but not _to_ me and people kept touching me even though I told them not to. They took my clothes off and put one of those gown things on me. They kept moving me to different places too. I was confused enough already because I passed out in that lady's house and then the next thing I knew I was in an ambulance and there were two men standing over me. I didn't know how I got there. And then I was somewhere else, and then somewhere else, and nobody told me where I was going next. I desperately wanted to get my bearings a little, but I never had a chance.

Once I made enough noise about not wanting people to touch me, they sort of stopped. They gave me some space, but they still insisted on putting the needle in my hand and drugging me, and then putting me in that machine for my head.

I felt better this time, because I made Carlisle promise I could stay dressed and I trusted him somewhat to stop if I said stop. He hadn't forced me to come here after all, I volunteered. It made a huge difference. Wanting to instead of being forced to.

There was a knock on the door. Before I had time to panic about whether I should open it or not, Carlisle entered. He was now holding a bunch of stuff on a little tray and once of those clip boards I had seen the other doctors and nurses walking around with.

"Sorry about that. Dr. Caius needed a quick consult." He put his supplies down on the counter. I didn't look at them, not wanting to know what he had in store for me.

"You can sit. Either spot is fine." He motioned to both the table and the regular chair. I sat down again in my previous spot. He sat on the stool, staying on his side of the room. He had the clip board in his hand, resting on a knee.

"So I'd like to just do a regular check-up with you- something I would do with any teenager who came in- and then take some blood. I also would like to do your vaccines now, if that's all okay with you." I shrugged, not liking the vague "check-up" or the needle talk, but it could be worse.

He reached for the pen in his shirt pocket before turning his attention to the paper in front of him. "We have your medical records up until your check-up before 3rd grade." There it was. Proof I had been to a doctor before. Carlisle had probably seen it.

Carlisle continued talking, asking me things. Some stuff was easy to answer, other questions I had no idea about. Did I ever have allergic reactions, have difficulty breathing, get frequent colds or headaches, experience dizziness, feel sick to my stomach, have trouble sleeping, feel tired, have sore muscles, the list went on and on. I tried to be honest as much as I could but some stuff I didn't think applied to me, and others I didn't want him to know. He asked about my appetite, an answer I thought he already knew, and I shrugged, saying I wasn't hungry a lot but still felt that I ate enough. He didn't comment on any answers, only prodding for more details a few times and then writing stuff down.

Finally it seemed he was done with his questioning and it was silent for a moment while he continued writing. I could only image what he was saying about me, but really didn't want to know anyway. When he put his clipboard down, he grabbed some supplies out of the cabinet and came towards me. I eyed him cautiously, but reminded myself that I chose this. He wasn't going to do anything to me. He shook on it.

He started with this cuff thing on my arm. He said it was to take my blood pressure. It squeezed really tight and I wondered how much more it could possibly squeeze when it finally started loosening. He took my temperature and then had me breathe deeply a few times while he listened with his stethoscope at different places around my chest and back. Then he looked in my ears and eyes- I don't have any idea what for but I was very uncomfortable- before asking me if we could go out to the hall to take my height and weight. I reluctantly agreed, and we headed outside and turned into this little alcove where there was a big scale. I stood on it and he moved the dials back and forth for a minute.

When the sound of the metal sliding across metal hit my ears, I suddenly had a very strange feeling. Like I had been here before. It was like a memory was there that I couldn't quite get to. I knew I hadn't been _here_, but it was just so familiar.

My confusion must have shown on my face, because Carlisle asked if I was okay.

"What's that thing called when you do something and it reminds you of the last time, except you can't really remember it from before?" I asked, rambling a little, but truly curious.

"Deja vu?"

"Yeah, I just had that." Knowing the word made me feel much better.

"Ah," he chuckled a little before telling me I could get down. He measured my height while continuing, "Do you remember going to the doctor's office?"

"No, not really." I didn't try very hard to either. I knew I would have been with my mom. I did vaguely remember playing in the waiting room before _her_ appointments though.

We went back into the exam room and he asked if he could take blood now. I nodded, a little hesitantly.

He rolled his chair over with a little table also on wheels. He rolled up my long sleeve, as far as it would go, to about half way between my elbow and shoulder. He tied a rubber thing above my elbow and told me to hold my arm out straight. He held on to my wrist, looking at the crook of my elbow.

"You ready?" I looked away but nodded. A sharp pinch came, but it wasn't any worse than what I expected. It took a few minutes and a bit of jostling around, but finally he was done. He had a little tube of my blood on the tray when he was done.

Two more shots in the opposite arm came next and then he finally said we were _almost_ done.

After a bit of convincing, I was lead downstairs to get an x-ray. Before I left the house, Carlisle had asked me to wear sweatpants and a t-shirt, to make sure I didn't have any metal on my clothes. That way I didn't have to put a hospital gown on.

I had to lie down on this big table thing and then in a bunch of different positions with my arm going this way and that. When he said take an x-ray, I didn't realize it meant a bunch of x-rays. But finally we were done, and I was going back home. He didn't even wait for the x-rays to come back, keeping his word from last time we tried this. I'm sure it was obvious that I wanted to get out of there as soon as possible, and it made me feel good that he was trying to make me comfortable.

In the car he asked if I wanted to get some lunch out with him before we went back to the house. Trying to be polite and not sound ungrateful for the offer, I declined, saying I was a little bit tired. He knew as well as I did that I had already hit my social limit for the day. It was progress, and I hoped he saw it that way.

He parked in the garage and we walked to the door. Before he opened it, he turned to me saying, "Thank you for doing that Edward. I know it was hard for you, but I'm proud of the way you handled yourself. You did great." He smiled.

I immediately felt my face heat up and I looked down, nodding a little. Thankfully, he didn't expect a verbal answer and finally, I was back inside. I went to my room, shutting the door softly, and then flopped down on my stomach on my bed, happy with the day's work.

Only when Esme knocked for dinner did I realize I had accidently fallen asleep. As a result of my extra-long nap, I was wide awake come midnight, when I wanted nothing more to be under the wonderful haze of sleep.

After spending a frustrating half hour rolling back and forth, trying to get comfortable enough for unconsciousness, I realized the effort was useless. What to do now?

I didn't want to watch TV, I didn't feel like messing with the computer or reading anything else in here, and I had already spent so long looking at my pictures today that my eyes were dry and stinging.

So I went downstairs, just because I could. When I got there, I went outside, just because there was nobody to stop me. The door was locked, but a turn of the deadlock was all it took to be outside in the cold night air. I sat on the top step, realizing that I should have brought a coat out.

I could see my breath. I remembered thinking it was so fascinating as a child. Now, it was just a reminder of how I used to view the world, and how much I had changed since I last saw my breath like this.

Looking out at the driveway and surrounding woods, I got a chill that had nothing to do with the temperature. I knew he was in jail, but I could not stop myself from imagining him, right out of my view, watching me for signs of weakness, for a good moment to pounce.

When the door behind me opened, I jumped, shocked and terrified that he really was here, and somehow he had gotten behind me.

But of course, it was only Emmett. He held his hands up in surrender, seeing my overreaction.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to sneak up on you."

"No, I'm sorry. It was stupid," I mumbled back while I sat back down on my step, shaking my head at my stupidity.

"Hey, I was just in the living room, I must have fallen asleep or something. But I heard you go out and you don't have a coat…so I brought you one," he finished, sort of hesitantly. I looked back at him, and indeed he was both wearing a coat and holding an extra, which he held out for me. I took it, my hand visibly shaking a little, from the cold or the scare, I wasn't sure.

"Yeah, so sorry I bothered you, I just thought…never mind, I'll go back in." He turned back towards the door. I knew he didn't put his coat on the just hand me mine. He must have come out here for a reason.

"You can sit, if you want," I told him as he opened the door. He hesitated, letting the cold air in the open door before finally closing it and sitting on the same step as me, maybe a foot away.

We were quiet for a minute. I just watched the now two clouds of breath disappear into the night.

"My friends liked you. They wanted to know where you were today. You can hang out with us, you know."

"Were they here today?" I hadn't heard anyone, but I was pretty out of it all day.

"Yeah, Mom said to let you sleep, but I just mean whenever. We want you to do stuff with us, if you want to."

As much as I appreciated the gesture, I wasn't sure he was telling the truth. I mean, all of his friends seemed nice enough and none of them made me feel unwanted, but I felt like I was intruding. And I wouldn't care so much about that if Emmett hadn't seemed so…weird. He was definitely uncomfortable, whether it had anything to do with me or not.

"You just seemed kind of…." I shook my head, not able to come up with a non-insulting word that described his behavior that night.

"Yeah, I know. I was acting crazy." He looked down at his feet, shuffling his socked feet across the wooden surface. "It's just. It wasn't you. I…listen, don't tell anyone, but I'm going to break up with Rosalie."

What? "Why?" I only asked the second question, doing little to hide my shock. They seemed so happy, and normal. I couldn't imagine giving that up if I had it.

"I don't know man, it's just like….I don't actually think I like her, like that, anyway. Not anymore. Maybe I never did. I don't know. I'm fucking confused. She's going to be so mad. I don't think I can do it, but I have to," he rambled. I felt bad for him, but I was a little confused. How did they get into this situation in the first place? "Sorry, I'm being crazy again."

"No, it's okay." God knows I've had my fair share of crazy since I've been here. "How long have you been…?" Together? Seeing her?

"Going out with her? It's been forever. It seems like we were never _not_ going out. It just kind of happened, and I think that's the problem. We were just friends and then…_this_ happened, and I could never get out of it. I never had a reason to."

Then why now? What was the point? If he was so worried about it, why did he have to do something so drastic?

"Why don't you just wait? Maybe you'll change your mind."

He looked at me again, right in my eyes. It was the same look he had given me yesterday, while he was sitting on the couch with his girlfriend. He looked confused, or regretful or…_scared_.

"I don't want to fake it. You shouldn't waste your life on something that isn't real, right?" He was really asking me, like he wanted an answer. I didn't know about life. He shouldn't ask me what to do. I should be asking him.

But he was still looking at me, desperately, like he wanted help or something. So I gave him what he was looking for.

"Right. I mean, you should be happy. She would probably understand, once she knows this isn't what you want. "

He finally looked away, scoffing and shaking his head.

"I don't think she's going to understand at all, actually."

Sunday, December 5th

It was a quiet sort of day today. Despite the cold winter weather, it was an exceptionally sunny day outside. Standing by the backdoor, I looked over the Cullen's backyard. The thick trees behind the green grass still intimidated me for some reason. It was just the unknown, I suppose. I couldn't see past the first few yards or so, and how did I know that whatever was in there wasn't going to hurt me?

But the sun shining down onto the yard looked so…peaceful. It looked like it should have been beyond my grasp, but I knew that now that I was with the Cullen's it wasn't. I could go out there, and feel the sun.

I was scared, but I wanted to prove that I wasn't being kept away anymore. I could go outside. I could. So, when my coat and shoes were on, I slowly slid the door open and stepped outside. As soon as I crossed into the grass and felt the sunshine on my face, I felt tears come to my eyes. It felt incredible. It was such a contrast to not only the cold of the December day, but also the cold that I had felt for so long, inside me.

In the back of my mind, I couldn't let go of the feeling of being watched, like I was in danger from some unknown enemy in the woods. I tried to forget about it, telling myself that nobody was stalking me, waiting for me to let my guard down, but I found myself keeping an eye on the tree line anyway.

I took a deep breath of the clean, fresh air. It was cold in my nose and throat, but the sun on my skin made up for it. I was standing in the middle of the yard now, and although I felt kind of stupid here, I did my best not to think that anybody was watching me from inside either. I sunk down to my knees, and then sat down completely, deciding it was way too confortable to go anywhere anytime soon. After a few minutes, I still couldn't stop scanning the woods and it irritated me. I wanted to enjoy this moment, but all I could do was be paranoid.

I laid down completely, so I was staring up at the sun instead of the darkness of the woods. Once my head hit the prickly grass, it hit me how solid the ground was. It was hard, pressing back into my body, keeping me plastered on the yard. Every breath I took I could feel my chest raise up off the ground. It was cold, but it felt good, laying there under the sun.

Just when I thought I might drift off to sleep, I was shocked back into the present. A sudden, loud yell grabbed me out from my peacefulness. My eyes shot open, I gasped for a breath, and I saw a body leap over my own. As soon as it was clear, I sat bold up right, ready to hop up completely and run from the danger.

But then I heard something that wouldn't suggest danger. Laughter. My eyes zeroed in on what had just flown over my face. Emmett. He was now lying on the grass a few feet from me, laughing hysterically. I squinted my eyes at him, trying to figure out what the hell he was thinking, while I tried to calm my heart and breathing down.

His laughter continued, even when he looked up to see that I wasn't joining in on his amusement.

"What the fuck, Emmett?" I asked, exasperated, before pressing my hands to my face, shaking my head and falling back onto the grass, groaning.

"Sorry, man," he said, very unconvincing because of the laughter he couldn't seem to stop.

"Yeah, whatever." I crossed my arms over my chest, irritated that he wasn't taking this seriously. I mean, I was already freaked out enough and just when I forgot about the creepy woods, he had to go and do something crazy.

"Hey, I couldn't stop myself. You were just laying here, all unsuspecting. It was a spur of the moment thing, really."

His laughter stopped eventually, and we both just stayed there, silent. The sun didn't feel as good anymore. He had burst my bubble. I wasn't really mad anymore, it was actually kind of funny, but I didn't know how to start a conversation again.

I was pretty cold by now, so I started to get up, ready to head inside and warm up. As soon as I put my hand on the ground, ready to push myself up, Emmett made a 'nuh uh' sound and reached over, grabbing my wrist to keep me where I was.

"What?" I asked, irritated again.

"You can't go inside yet."

"Why?"

"Because."

I huffed, wondering if this was another of his _jokes. _

"It's cold, I'm going inside," I started to stand again, but he pulled me down this time.

"What is wrong with you?" I asked, seriously annoyed now. He was being irritating.

"Dude, come on. You have to stay outside for another," he pulled his phone out of his pocket and looked at the screen, "twelve minutes. Mom said so."

"She did not." He was obviously just using her to scare me into obeying.

"I swear she did! She sent me out here to distract you, I'm just not very good at being subtle. For real, just chill. Twelve minutes, then we can go inside."

I rolled my eyes, not believing him, but not going to fight him either. I mean, he would obviously win.

"So what are you doing out here?"

I shrugged. He wouldn't get my sudden obsession with sun, would he? He always had sun.

"Have you been down to the stream yet?"

I shook my head, "But we don't-"

He was already up and ready to go when he interrupted me, "Let's go." I didn't want to go further into the woods. But he was holding his hand out to help me up again like he did on Friday.

I hesitantly let him grab my hand and pull me to my feet. He went straight for the little path at the back of the yard and started down it. I followed, not wanting him to know about my fear of these trees. Surely nothing would happen to me when I was with Emmett anyway.

The stream wasn't actually that far into the woods, which I was grateful for. It was sort of pretty, I guess. I couldn't focus on anything other than what could be looming further back.

Emmett was jumping from rock to rock on the edge of the water, talking about games he and Alice used to play back here when they were little. I wasn't really listening though, finding it difficult to pay attention. I stayed on the bank, not trusting my balance skills to not fall into the freezing water.

My arms were still crossed, trying to ward off the cold.

"What? Are you really mad at me?" Emmett suddenly asked, making me look up at him. He was about ten feet away from me, balancing on a large rock and looking legitimately concerned, and a little exasperated. Realizing I must have looked upset, I immediately uncrossed my arms, shaking my head 'no.'

"Really?" He didn't believe me.

"No. I just don't like the woods that much. I'm fine."

With an understanding yet surprised tone, he said, "oh." After glancing around awkwardly, as if looking for something that I was scared of, he continued, "I mean, we can go back, if you-"

"I'm fine. Really."

And, by some miracle, he didn't fight it. "Ok then," was all he said, accepting what I said for the truth, even if we both knew it wasn't.

"So you didn't really tell me the other day. Did you have fun the other night? With my friends?"

I frowned at the question, not sure what balance of the truth- that I was entirely too uncomfortable around them, but that was just because I was…_me_- and the more socially acceptable lie, to tell him.

I settled with my fallback, a shrug, and a half truth. "Yeah, it was interesting."

"Interesting?" he sounded amused. I looked up at him, he had a grin on his face, obviously not offended, but ready to poke fun at his friends.

"Bella knows." That whipped the grin right off his face.

"What?"

"She knows. Who I am."

"Are you sure?" I nodded. "Dude, you know I would never tell her. I mean, I told Rose but she's different. I didn't say anything I swear."

I shrugged to show I wasn't upset with him. I wasn't blaming him at all. I didn't know how she found out, but it didn't matter.

"Did she say something in front of Jake?"

"No, I don't think he knows. She just…I don't know I could tell. She knew. It doesn't matter. It's only a matter of time before people find out. She wasn't weird about it." Not really anyway. I was just glad she didn't blab about it to everyone in the room. I mean, when they all find out, I would prefer not to be there.

Emmett's eyes suddenly went wide and he muttered an "oh fuck," before explaining. "Bella's dad is the police chief here in Forks. I bet he knew and told her."

"Oh." That made sense, I guess. So she did know the whole time.

"Do you want me to talk to her? Tell her not to say anything?"

"No, it doesn't matter. Don't worry about it."

He smirked a little. "Of course it doesn't." What was that supposed to mean? He continued before I could respond.

"Well, I think it's been fifteen minutes by now. We can probably go in now."

As we headed back towards the house, me in front this time, I asked, "Why was you out here anyway?"

"I was serious before, Mom just said I had to keep you out here. That's all I know. They were moving some stuff around though."

"What?" He chuckled again and told me to just wait and see.

"Don't be so impatient."

It was my turn to laugh, although it wasn't so much humorous as disbelieving. "You are way more impatient than I am."

We were back at the house now, and I was grateful for his distractions. I couldn't imagine what Esme had wanted me out of the house for, but I doubted it was a good thing. There was nobody in sight when I entered the kitchen. After taking my shoes and coat off by the front door and still not seeing anyone, I started to panic. Were they in my room? My pictures were in there. What would she want with them?

After frantically rushing up the stairs, I came to my room. The door was open, and I rushed in, heading straight for my stash. Before I got there, something else had caught my eye. I turned, facing it, and felt my jaw drop.

On the only remaining free wall, was now a black piano keyboard. Much smaller than the one downstairs, it fit against the wall and had a smaller stool underneath. Several books were perched on a stand above it, and they looked like instructions. There were a few cords coming out the back and a lot of switches on the top. I had no idea what to do with any of it.

I realized I was still standing there like an idiot when Esme came into my room.

"Edward?" I shook my head, breaking my stare and looking up at her. She looked so happy and hopeful.

"You don't have to like it. I just wanted you to be able to try it. There are headphones, so you can mess around with it all you want and not worry about people listening to you. If you don't want it, we can move it back out. Don't feel pressured to learn it or anything," she finished, biting her lip a little and looking more anxious now.

I didn't want to disappoint her, but I had to say it. Shaking my head, I told her the one thought I couldn't get past. "You shouldn't have spent that much money on me."

She smiled, the opposite reaction of what I expected. "Luckily for me, I thought you would say that. I promise you, I didn't spend a dime on this. We had it in the basement. I went through a bit of a music phase a few years ago," she grinned. I wasn't completely sure I believed her. "Well, that's not completely true." I knew it. "I did buy the music books. There are some beginner books and some that would help you learn on your own. Of course, if you want to get lessons, we would be thrilled to find a teacher for you."

It was overwhelming. She remembered those few seconds that she had caught me playing around on her piano downstairs. While I admit I was strangely fascinated by the concept, I had no idea what I was doing and it was crazy of her to go through all this trouble on a whim of mine.

She stepped towards me. I hadn't moved from the second that I had set eyes on the new addition to my room. She touched my arm, rubbing it a little as if to comfort me in this bizarre situation.

"Don't be worried about this, please. I just…I know it's hard for you to ask for things, and I thought maybe this could be something you enjoy. If you don't use it, I promise I won't be upset. We'll put it back in the basement, not a problem at all. Then you can try something else if you want."

I should say something. She had done something for me. I knew it was the appropriate thing to respond. But I didn't know what to say. It was hard not to connect this to the thing James had gotten me. I knew it was a completely different situation. She did it because she wanted me to be happy, right? Why did he do it? I didn't know. Guilt maybe. Although sometimes I didn't think he could feel guilty.

I looked at her, reminding myself that she didn't have any negative intentions with this gift. I should make the most of it. I should be grateful for her thoughtfulness.

"Thank you." It was too simple. She deserved more, but I didn't have anything else to give her.

"Do you think you'll try it?" I nodded. I honestly did think I would try it, especially if nobody but me could hear me experiment. It would be fun to try something new without the pressure of people watching or judging me.

Esme smiled, clearly very happy with this development. She rubbed and patted my back and it was getting a little tense me until Emmett made his presence known.

"Whats going on up here?" He walked right into my room, looking around interestedly. "Ahh, nice, are you going to be all musical now?" I shrugged. Maybe I could learn to be. He squinted his eyes at his Mom for a minute before a look of humor passed over him, yet again.

"Ohhh," he laughed. "I see what's going on here. Don't think you fooled me Mom. Edward," he turned to me, "she's trying to brainwash you. Watch out. She tried this on me and Alice too. She just wants a musical prodigy for a child, is _all_ this is. She's going to try to train you into one of those piano genius people, be careful." I smiled as Esme chided him, assuring me that it wasn't true in the slightest.

It made me a little weak at the knees to think that she would consider me one of her children. I mean, I hadn't even known her for that long. I knew I had no right to want it, but it felt good to think that she cared about me this much.

Monday, December 6th

The evening was the worst time. After so long, I should have been over the anticipation. Yet I still wondered every day if he was going to come visit me that night. I had eaten a turkey sandwich for dinner. He didn't say anything when he brought it in, but that wasn't unusual. The plate was long since abandoned by the door, waiting for him to come and collect it again. I had spent much of the evening laying upside-down on my bed, my head hanging off the end. I could hear the TV, he was watching baseball. I could hear the crowd cheering and an announcer narrating the game. Sports didn't hold my attention very well, but the noise often helped me get lost in my head a little more. If I was lucky, I could pass a good part of a day just drifting off, thinking of nothing.

This particular day, I was doing a pretty good job of it. I remember the door closing, meaning he went to work early in the morning. I hadn't moved when he came back in the evening, taking me to the bathroom and then leaving me dinner. After that, I listened to his routine. The sounds of the toilet flushing, the shower running, kitchen cabinets opening and closing, a timer going off, and the TV turning on. After that, most sounds were drowned out, except the baseball. That was okay.

But as I laid here, the blood having settled in my head, making it heavy, I started thinking about the probability of him doing it tonight. He didn't even come in last night, so chances were up tonight. The game was almost over, so that meant that either he would come straight up or he would watch the evening news and then go to bed. He honestly looked a little tired earlier, so it surprised me when I heard the news anchor's voice.

I sat up and waited for the blood rush to be over. When I could see straight again, I moved the covers off of my bed, loosely folding them and setting them down on the floor, and then sat against the headboard. It was an unspoken rule that I do this every night. He liked to know where I was when he entered. It was best not to surprise him. I had also learned a while back that if I left the blankets on the bed, they would always end up…dirty. It was best to move them until he was gone again so I could at least try to get comfortable at night. It sucked sleeping with no covers.

A half hour later, the TV clicked off. He moaned a little, and I could picture him stretching out his back. There was some clanging in the kitchen, probably him putting dishes in the sink. The creak in the stairs told me he was close to my room now, and I looked down at the sheet below me so I wouldn't have to look at his face when he came in.

I knew how many seconds it usually took him to get to my room from that creak. I knew when I would hear the combination on the lock sliding. Tonight, it never did. The moment was too long, and I knew he wasn't coming. I waited longer still, making sure that he went to his own room, shut the door, and set his timer for work. Only then did I grab the blanket from my floor, curl up under it, and squeeze my eyes shut, waiting for sleep to take me away from this place. I knew morning would bring him waking me up, taking me into the bathroom, hopefully letting me shower, and then giving me breakfast. Then it would be another long, quiet, lonely day to fill up.

A loud thud woke me up instead. My eyes immediately were open wide, and I sat up, frantically looking for the source of the noise. It was dark. Like pitch black. But I wasn't in the right place again. I couldn't remember where I was, where I was supposed to be, anything. I was gasping for breath, trying to remember when understanding suddenly flooded through me. I wasn't with James. My room was gone, he was gone. I was in the Cullen's house, in my new room. Emmett was across the hall, Carlisle and Esme and Alice were all downstairs. It was night time. I went to sleep _here_ tonight, not in my old room. Only my mind had been back there.

I needed a light on. I needed to see. Crawling out of the bed, I stumbled off the high ledge and fumbled along the wall until I found the switch. I was, indeed, in the Cullen's house. There was the huge bed, the closed curtains, the desk and laptop, and keyboard Esme had just gotten me.

It was raining outside, hard. It must be a storm. The thud must have been thunder. Not James coming into my room in the middle of the night.

I had to get out. I threw the door open and rushed downstairs, wanting so bad to be far far away from that dream.

Who else would be downstairs, but Emmett? He was sitting on the couch, feet up on the table like usual, the TV on, the volume down low. I no longer hesitated to sit next to him, grateful for the distraction.

Neither one of us said anything this time. He just glanced over at me and grinned. He didn't seem surprised to see me either.

I let my heart calm down, trying to get my mind to accept, yet again, the fact that I was safe now.

EPOV

Edward. Of course. I was trying to distract myself from thinking about him and what does he do? Show up on the couch next to me, naturally.

I couldn't be upset though. He looked so innocent. He obviously had no idea what he did to me. He was completely and forever clueless. That was the only thing that I could be grateful for now. If he knew…or if God forbid he felt the same way, it would all be over. I couldn't possibly stay away from him, and I knew I should. I had to. It wasn't his fault he had come here, or that I felt like this, or that he wasn't able to pick up on it.

There was nothing to imply that he was like me anyway. I mean, he was probably so far away from thinking about 'liking' _anyone,_ and when the day came that he was able to focus on something like that, surely he would find a nice girl and they would both be happy.

But on the other hand, what would I do? I had already decided I had to break up with Rose. And soon. I was stringing her along with something that I didn't believe in anymore, and it wasn't fair to her, not at all. But what would I tell her? The truth? It would probably hurt her more than a lie. Because the truth would tell her that I had been lying for years. It was so backwards.

And even when I did break up with Rose, what could I do? Nothing, I guess. I could never say anything to Edward. It would confuse him, and surely he was already so confused by life, I didn't need to throw myself into the mix.

I felt like he had started to trust me a little, and that was a good feeling. I could be friends with him. That was what he needed now anyway. Nothing more than that.

Glancing at him again, he had his arms crossed over his chest, his head resting against the cushion of the couch. His eyes were closed and he had fallen asleep. He had seemed pretty freaked out when he came down here and I wondered if the storm had scared him. I wanted him to be okay. I wanted him to enjoy his life. But I so selfishly wanted him to enjoy it with me.

Because the truth was, I liked him. I liked Edward Masen…like _that_. I thought about him all the time, what was he doing, where was he going, was he coming downstairs, should I talk to him, should I leave him alone, was he okay, it never ended. I watched him every second that I thought it wouldn't be seen as creepy or give me away. I found myself wondering what he smelled like, what his hair would feel like, and what he thought about me. It was torture that it was a one way thought process, but I knew it had to be like that.

Because his truth was totally different. He was a kidnap victim. He had been held captive for the better part of his childhood and was, as much as I liked to deny it, a very fragile person. He didn't know what was going on around him all the time and he could be taken advantage of very easily. I wanted to keep him safe, and I had to face the fact that by trying to be with him, I could inadvertently hurt him. So it had to be like this.


	12. Chapter 12

Thursday, December 9th

**EPOV**

In four nights I had gotten a total of about eight hours of sleep. Ever since I had been so convincingly shoved back into my bedroom in James's house, I just couldn't stay asleep. Not for lack of trying, as I usually went up to my room pretty early, telling whoever wanted an excuse that I was tired. Which was true. I got all comfortable in my nice huge bed the Cullen's had given me, complete with a seemingly endless supply of pillows, soft sheets and warm blankets. It was too comfortable.

I had no trouble drifting off to sleep. But as soon as I did, it was like my body shocked itself back to complete consciousness, unwilling to risk another trip into the nightmare. The few times I did manage to get past the drifting stage, I regretted it.

All things considered, I had been pretty lucky on the nightmare front ever since I came to the Cullen's. Most nights I slept soundly, probably too much so. I remember how Esme was worried that I slept too much.

When I was with James, I did have the occasional dream, but I mostly viewed sleep as the lesser of two evils rather than something to be afraid of. But now, my mind seemed to be playing games. I was supposed to be out of the real danger, so why were my dreams taking me back there? The few hours I had managed to stay asleep were nearly all spent in my old bedroom.

Whenever I woke up, I was sorry that I tried to sleep in the first place.

Unfortunately, it didn't take long until my exhaustion became obvious. Esme asked, but it was easy to dodge her questions. She always worried and didn't want to force me to answer. Dr. Garrison on the other hand was not so avoidable.

Yesterday, she pestered me to no end about why I was so tired. What had happened, why couldn't I relax, was I uncomfortable with anyone, what was on my mind, it kept going and going. I tried to assure her that nothing had changed since last week, and it hadn't. But it wasn't as easy to convince her that I was really okay. She knew better than I did that I was nowhere close to being okay.

It stung to know that there wasn't anything I could do to make that different.

I had yet another session with her tomorrow however and I feared she would try to take matters into her own hands if I did not appear more rested. Around midnight, well after I heard the rest of the house close their doors to their own sleep, I forced myself back to my bed, once again.

I was so exhausted that it only took a few minutes for my mind to drift, but soon I startled awake, sitting up immediately. My heart raced and I looked around, trying to find something that my subconscious deemed a threat to my safety. Of course, I found none.

Only ten minutes had passed since I forced my way onto the bed. It was useless.

Feeling beyond frustrated yet exhausted still, I grabbed a pillow and the fleece blanket from the bedpost and stood up. Now what?

I swayed a little and my eyes grew heavy. Looking at the bathroom door, I got an idea.

After going inside, locking the door, and throwing my supplies down into the bathtub, I climbed in and positioned myself the most comfortable way I could.

Without dwelling on the freakishness of this activity, my eyes closed of their own accord and I was asleep.

Friday, December 10th

I didn't remember a single dream, a blessing for my drained subconscious. What I woke up to wasn't so nice though.

"Edward?" Knocking. "Edward, are you alright? What's going on?"

About half a second after my eyes opened, I focused on the voice I was hearing and where I was currently laying.

I shot up, out of the tub, banging my shin on the edge before falling over myself in an effort to rescue this situation.

Grabbing the pillow and blanket, I shoved them underneath the bathroom counter, knocking over some bottles and silently cursing the noise they made. It was still dark in here, so I turned the light on, ran my fingers through my hair and opened the door.

Esme's face stared back at me. I was a little out of breath from my rush and the shock awake, and she definitely noticed.

"What's going on?" she asked again.

"Nothing." I shook my head. Swallowed.

She scrunched her eyebrows in disbelief, as I'm sure my frantic face said more than my unconvincing voice.

"You're okay?" I nodded, but when she peered over my shoulder, I had this horrible vision of her demanding to search the bathroom. I had to convince her.

"Yeah, I was just…about to shower."

She looked back at my face. "Uh huh. Alright…."

I nodded once again, giving a weak smile as well.

"Well I didn't hear you up yet so I came to check on you. You didn't come down for breakfast so make sure you get some lunch." She still looked suspicious but thankfully she had let my weird bathroom habits slide.

"Okay. I will." This time it was her nodding before she gave one last suspicious look over my shoulder and moved to my closet.

"I'm going to grab your laundry, is it all in here?"

My laundry had been mysteriously disappearing and reappearing when I was out of my room or in the shower, and I felt a little bad about Esme going through the trouble.

"Yeah, but I can do it," I told her, reaching for the door myself. In reality, I had no clue how to do my laundry, but maybe I could learn. I didn't go through a ton of clothes at his house, and he always did them himself when he felt like it. I surely didn't need to depend on Esme for something like this.

"Don't be silly, it's no trouble for me to do them. I do everyone's, Emmett doesn't know the first thing about a washer." She brushed my hands away and pulled the basket out of my closet before giving me a smile and leaving me alone again.

When I got a good look at my room in the light, I saw how obvious it was that I had left my bed in a strange state. The spot where my head would have clearly been was obviously missing the pillow and the blankets were thrown off, out of the way. No wonder she was suspicious.

When I did go downstairs, I was shocked to see that it was almost noon. Esme didn't ask about the bathroom again but she did comment on how much better rested I looked today.

I really did feel a lot better. It's amazing what a decent night's sleep can do, I guess. Even if it was in a bathtub.

Esme busied herself for a few minutes tapping away on her cell phone, and when she finally put it down and looked over at me as I finished my lunch, she smiled. A smile with a little guilty edge to it. I raised an eyebrow, putting down my sandwich and waiting for her to speak.

"I was going to tell you yesterday, but you were just so tired that I decided to wait, and then this morning you slept in, so now I'm afraid it's a bit short notice but…"

Oh god, that sounded bad. I swallowed hard and shifted in the chair.

"This afternoon, Mr. Johnson- do you remember him?" I nodded. He would be a hard one to forget. "He's scheduled a home visit today. It's very routine, he's just following protocol. He'll be here around two and he shouldn't need to stay too long."

I nodded, absorbing the information and wracking my brain for the threat behind this news to appear.

"What does he want?"

"He just wants to stop by and make sure you're adjusting well and that you're happy and comfortable in our home. He'll probably want to ask you some questions but nothing at all to worry about. It's mostly just a formality at this point."

Again, I nodded. That didn't sound so bad. I could handle all that.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you before. I didn't want you to be worried about it but I should have given you a little more warning," she explained, looking guilty.

"It's okay. Probably better anyway." I _would_ have worried and this way, it would all be over in a few hours.

"Good. He should be done by the time your appointment with Dr. Garrison starts."

With one final nod, I left the kitchen to go shower and change. I put my blanket and pillow back where they belonged and straitened my room up.

Carlisle came home from work early, and at two o'clock, the three of us were all waiting in the living room for the social worker to arrive.

I was dressed in jeans and a long sleeved t-shirt, but under the gaze of Carlisle, who seemed to be paying a lot of attention to me, I felt suddenly exposed. I wanted to run upstairs and get a sweatshirt, but almost as soon as the thought crossed my mind, Carlisle started talking.

"Just so you know, Edward, all your blood work came out just fine. Nothing to worry about there. Your shoulder seems to be all right for the time being as well, but I want you to let me know if it is giving you any pain or discomfort, alright?"

"Okay." I didn't look at him, but I could feel his eyes on me still.

"Has it been bothering you at all?" I shook my head this time, only lying a little bit. While I appreciated his concern for my health, it was weird that he was so focused on my shoulder problems. I mean, if I hadn't told him anything else, couldn't he just assume it was fine?

We fell into a bit of an awkward silence after that until, finally, there was a knock on the front door. Carlisle got up to answer it while Esme moved over to the couch I was sitting on.

She sat close to me and reached for my hand.

"You doing okay?" she asked quietly.

I chanced a glance up and her and said as convincingly as I could, "Yep, I'm fine." She patted my hand and let it go, directing her attention to the men at the door.

I looked up too, and saw my foster father and social worker shake hands and greet each other politely. He nodded and smiled towards Esme before addressing me.

"Edward, it's nice to see you again." His smile seemed genuine, but I couldn't help but feel that I was a bother to him.

Carlisle invited him to sit on the opposite couch with him, and the questions began almost at once.

"So how has it been for everybody? It's been almost a month you know. Time sure does seem to fly."

I was pretty sure this had been the slowest month of my life, actually.

"I think everything has been going pretty well. We're certainly glad you thought of us considering Edward, Mr. Johnson," Esme politely told him. My face reddened when she pointed out yet again that I was in need of someone to take me in.

They continued the small talk for a while, all dancing around the fact that everybody thought I was safe and as content as I could be here. When Mr. Johnson asked if he could speak with me alone, I tensed, wondering what he couldn't say in front of my foster parents.

When Esme and Carlisle disappeared to the kitchen, he switched seats to be closer to me. Leaning down with his elbows on his knees, he said, "You know you can speak freely with me, right Edward? I know we didn't get off on exactly the right foot, but know that it's my job to keep you safe."

That was an understatement. It seemed like just a few days ago I had met him for the first time. He came into my hospital room the morning after I had arrived, and I wasn't exactly in the best of moods. The doctors kept trying to convince me that I _needed_ their tests and _treatment_. I kept refusing, but by the time Mr. Johnson came in, I was done trying to communicate. A silent denial was the best option I had, so I used it. He wanted to introduce himself, and explain what was going to happen in the days following my escape, but I didn't want to listen. Too many people were trying to tell me too much information and I didn't seem to have the room in my mind what with all the shock and terror running through every available thought. I was still convinced that James was going to walk in and demand to take me back. Could the doctors and nurses stop him? I didn't think so.

I don't think I said anything at all to Mr. Johnson at the hospital, and I regretted that now, seeing that it might make for an awkward conversation today.

Luckily, he seemed unphased by our previous meeting and started right in.

"How has living with the Cullen's been so far?"

"It's been good. They're great, really." I was being honest, and I hoped he could see that.

"Yeah? Do you guys talk a lot?" Strange question.

"Yeah, some." They did most of the talking, but still.

"And what about Emmett and Alice? You get along with them okay?"

I nodded.

"You've been seeing Dr. Garrison, do you feel like you're making progress with her?"

I shrugged this time, unable to really describe what I thought of our sessions. They were confusing, sure, but was that progress?

"Have you been getting out much?"

"Um, I went to Port Angeles with Emmett and a few other places…" It sounded pretty lame when all summed up like that, but at the time I felt they were pretty big accomplishments.

"That's great," he smiled, looking really happy. "What else have you gotten into? And sports or hobbies?"

"Uh, Esme got me a piano, for my room, I mean." I didn't include that I hadn't played it more than once. I thought about playing it a lot, I just felt a little silly doing it.

"That sounds like fun. I wish I had some inkling of musical ability," he tried to joke. When I didn't laugh he went on, unaffected. "So you're feeling pretty comfortable here then?"

I nodded hesitantly. I was as comfortable as I could get, I think.

"Okay. I know this whole situation is pretty crazy, but the Cullens are good people. They'll take care of you, Edward." I didn't respond, not having a clue what he wanted from me.

"Hey, I've got something from Seattle for you. It's in my car, why don't you go get Carlisle and Esme and head back in here so I can show you?" He stood up and waited until I did the same to head back to the front door.

That wasn't so bad. He didn't ask any questions about before I came here, and I was grateful for that. I had enough of those from other people. It seemed Mr. Johnson was worried about me in a different way now.

I went into the kitchen to find Carlisle and Esme huddled by the coffee maker, sipping and talking quietly. The sound of the front door opening and closing caused them to look up when I entered the room.

"Did he leave already?" Carlisle asked, very surprised.

"No, he's getting something from the car. I'm supposed to come and get you."

They both put their cups down immediately and followed me back to the living room without hesitation.

"Did it go okay?" Esme asked me.

"Yeah it wasn't that bad."

She chuckled and continued, "No, I didn't think it would be. Mr. Johnson was the social worker for Emmett and eventually Alice, you know. So they both know him pretty well also." She had never really said anything about Alice and Emmett's past, and I only knew Emmett was adopted because he told me. She spoke about it so casually, I wondered if it would ever be like that for me. That I could be just another kid they had taken in.

Mr. Johnson returned then, and I wasn't sure what I had been expecting him to bring in, but it sure wasn't the huge white fabric bag stuffed to the brim.

As he sat down again, he sat the bag on the table in between us and explained.

"There have been a slightly overwhelming amount of letters and packages pouring in. This is just a small fraction of what they have, or so I'm told. Of course, they all have been opened and searched for anything…unfriendly, but the majority of it has been positive."

He took out a stack of envelopes, all different shapes and sizes. Passing them along to Carlisle, who passed them to me. More were taken out of the bag, and this time Carlisle kept a few to look at for himself. I took my signal from him and studied the top envelope in my hand.

It had my name on it.

It was to me.

Flipping down through the stack of a dozen or so, I saw they were all the same. Letters to _me_.

"As I said, this is only a small percentage of what they have, some of it is still being sorted, but it would take days to sort through and read them all, so they just sent this first bag along with me."

What were these? What did all these people want with me?

"Can I open them, Edward?" Carlisle asked, indicating the few envelopes in his own hands. I nodded, not sure what else to do.

In fact, they were already opened, confirming the story Mr. Johnson had told, that they were all searched.

"What were they searching for?" I asked him, feeling the confusion showing on my face.

He hesitated, like he was deciding how much to tell me. "There are some wild people out there, Edward. They just wanted to make sure there were no negative comments or anything dangerous in them. Also, sometimes in cases like this, other information can pop up, sometimes through anonymous mail, like some of these are."

Carlisle was already reading some type of card from the first one, and I followed his lead by pulling the top one out.

It was just a simple piece of white paper. It was folded twice. My hands shook as I flattened it out. The message was written in a purple pen, with swoopy letters that were a little hard to read.

_Edward, I was so touched to hear that you were retrieved safely! Thankfully, your nightmare is now over and you will surely enjoy the rest of your life as best you can. My family and I will continue to keep you in our prayers as you begin your journey to a happy life. You deserve the best life has to offer and I hope God blesses you from this day on. _

Confusion spread rapidly through me and I passed the note off to Esme as she was leaning in, curious. I ripped the next one out on its envelope, desperate for more information.

This time, a bundle of dollar bills fell out when I flipped open a cheery, colorful card that said, _Feel Better Soon! _This message was shorter, but very direct.

_Know that you have many people supporting you and awaiting your justice. May the vile man who does this to a child be sent straight to hell! Take back your life while he awaits his judgment. _

I had read enough now. I closed the card, put the rest of the pile on the table, and sat back, staring at my folded hands. Taking deep breathes, I tried to hold it in. I couldn't freak out here, not now. Mr. Johnson was here and he was surely taking note of my actions. I could wait until I was alone. I was good at that.

"You don't want to read them?" Esme asked, picking up the one I just put down and scanning it.

I shrugged and shook my head, knowing that if I tried to explain, I would freak out on her.

"There's money in this one," she said a little questioningly, looking at Mr. Johnson for an answer.

"Yes, there's money in a lot of them, I'm told. It's all for Edward, just well-wishers trying to do their part, I suppose."

"I don't want their money," I blurted out. It was like they were trying to pay me, to make up for what I went through. As if any dollar amount could take it back, or lessen the blow. Why did they feel the need to try anyway? It wasn't their fault. It wasn't their burden.

I didn't look up, but I could feel everybody's eyes on me, wondering why I was troubled by this sudden turn of events. I wasn't going to explain.

Right then, the front door opened. Startled, my eyes went to it and I saw Alice, followed shortly after by Emmett, entering the house.

"Hey! Mr. Johnson, long time no see," Emmett said with a big smile. He swung the door shut and walked over to us, where he shook his hand, still with a huge happy smile on his face.

"It's great to see you Emmett, how have you been?" Mr. Johnson asked with an equally pleased grin.

"Oh, everything's been pretty good, I guess. I'm ready for Christmas break but everything is fine."

"You playing basketball this year?"

"Nope, not anymore. I'll start up with track after break though, for football, you know," Emmett told him. He nodded, approving and turned his attention to Alice, who was standing a little more hesitantly by the stairs.

"Alice, great to see you as well. School going okay?"

"Of course it is, Mr. Johnson," she replied with a smile and a slight roll of her eyes.

"What is all this stuff?" Emmett asked, moving towards the pile of letters that had now been spread across the table.

"They're letters, and they're Edward's, not yours," Carlisle replied pointedly, seeing that Emmett hadn't hesitated to pick one up and flip it over, looking at the address.

"Oh," he looked up, a little guiltily, and dropped the letter back on the table. "My bad, sorry."

I shook my head, avoiding eye contact with him at all costs. "It's fine."

Yet another awkward silence filled the living room, as it seemed to whenever I was present. When nobody had talked for several seconds, I risked a look up at Esme, who was biting her lip in worry.

"Can I go wait upstairs?" I asked quietly, hoping desperately that they were done with me here.

"Of course you can, honey. I'll send her up."

I was out of my seat and gone before she had finished. Past Alice, up the stairs, and into Carlisle's office, where I could await my next round of torture.

I didn't sit yet, as I normally did whenever I came into this room. Instead, I paced around the room, trying to distract myself with the shelves lined with books in all sizes and colors. A lot of them seemed medical related on one side, and on the opposite wall were other, more creatively titled and more worn books.

I wondered if he minded giving up three hours a week to let me and Dr. Garrison meet in here. I suppose sometimes he was still at work when we were here, but sometimes he was already home and it wasn't really fair that I had taken over this room.

Come to think of it, my whole presence in this house wasn't exactly fair. All I did was upturn their perfectly organized and structured lives and add in my own fucked up drama to them. Through whatever crazed motivation had allowed them to think taking me in was a good idea, I doubted that even they could deny that I was anything other than a nuisance. Normal families didn't have to constantly check up on a teenage boy to see if they were eating and sleeping, they didn't have to have police and social workers coming to their home, interrogating them and disrupting their day. And regular siblings didn't come home from school to find a pile of letters full of pity money and guilty well-wishers dumped on their coffee table.

I wondered if how Emmett and Alice had come to be here. How had they adjusted so easily? They spoke to Mr. Johnson like he was an old friend. I would never have that. It would always be awkward and forced and memories of terror would be mixed in with the confusion.

But it didn't matter, because where else would I go? What else would I ever do with my life if the Cullen's didn't help me? I had nothing, and no one, to help me except these people downstairs. It was bad enough to be so dependent on them, but I couldn't imagine how they would still want me after all that they knew. If they could go back, would they still help me? They shouldn't. I was a new weight they had to carry, and why should they? What was I doing for them? I was so dependent on them, but what could I ever do in return?

I felt tears. They dropped but I didn't bother to stop them.

I couldn't _not_ think about James now, he had put me here, in this spot, without my own parents or even my own strength to stand on. It was easy to be mad at him, blame him for everything that happened to me on a day to day basis, but it didn't change where I was now. It didn't do any good to be upset with him, because only I could do anything about it from here. I was alone, that was clear.

There was a knock on the door but Dr. Garrison wasn't really one for waiting on me to answer, so I heard her walk right in and shut the door behind her.

"Edward? Are you ready?"

I was facing away from the door, so I sniffed and wiped my face of tears with my sleeves before she could see, although she probably noticed anyway.

"Are you okay?" she suddenly sounded very unlike herself. Her voice was full of sympathy, or pity, or something. I didn't quite know the difference between the two.

Turning around abruptly, I quickly found my seat and replied with a sharp, "yes."

She sat down herself, in the chair close to me, and hesitated. I fidgeted, pulling my sleeves down harshly, feeling the wet spots on the ends. She finally made up her mind and didn't directly ask me what was wrong, but her first topic told me she had a pretty good guess.

"I heard about all of the letters downstairs."

I shifted in my seat, slouching down so far that I could rest my head on the back of it, suddenly feeling exhausted.

"You don't want to read them?"

She sounded legitimately confused, so I shook my head, confirming what she had deduced from my actions.

"Why is it upsetting you?"

It was silly, and I didn't need her to tell me as much.

"I think you could find support from them. If people took the time to write specifically to you, they must have felt strongly for you. Do you disagree?"

No, I didn't disagree. Obviously, what she said was true, but that was the problem, not the solution.

Quietly, and looking at the fabric of my cuffs that I was pulling tight against my fists, I told her why I was upset.

"It's embarrassing. I don't want people to know."

"And what exactly is it that you think people know?"

I shrugged. "Everything."

She sighed. "Edward, only you and Owens really know what happened. As far as I'm aware, you haven't told anybody, and if anything you have read indicates otherwise, they are purely making speculations, which is worthless when you know the truth."

I felt tears drop down my cheeks again. I couldn't find it in me to care about crying in front of her when I was faced with that. I didn't want to know it either. Why was it me?

"You know, in my profession we are pretty big believers in the 'a burden shared is a burden halved' idea, and I know it's not that simple for you, but I think if you could let some of it go, you could make it so much easier for yourself. You don't have to keep everything inside, Edward. You have every right to be upset, or angry or scared or frustrated or embarrassed. But I'm here because I think I can help you. I _want_ to help you."

This mystery wasn't so hard to solve. I mean, she was being _paid_ to help me, so it wasn't really that impressive. At the same time, that did sort of make her a safer option. _If_ I were to actually try her whole share the burden thing, she was the only one that wasn't personally involved in my life. It would be okay to tell her things, but that didn't mean I wanted to. I still would be way too embarrassed to ever feel comfortable telling her what I really thought.

I was quiet for too long. She asked more questions.

"Did you read any of them?" I nodded. "What did they say?"

"They were….mad. At him, I guess."

"And you're surprised by this?"

"I don't know. I guess not." I guess my story might make people afraid of others like Owens, and it would in effect make them angry for putting them in danger. "I just don't get why they are so worried about it. I mean, they sent me money. They don't know me."

"That must be strange. Not knowing them but seeing them pretend that they know you." I nodded. "I don't know how much you are aware of, but when you went missing, you were quite the talk of Washington. Your story was in the newspaper and on TV, anywhere just to get the word out that you were missing. Your face- the image from the first picture I showed you- was everywhere. I think that some of the people that remember that time and hoped for you to be found really do feel like they know you. They heard your story and some helped with searches and they were connected to you, even if you didn't know it. They hoped and prayed that you would be alright. Now that you are, they want to share something with you."

"Everyone thought I was dead," I told her. I had never heard of these searches and newspaper stories.

I hadn't looked up at her still, but I saw her shake her head. "That was a possibility, but the hope was still there. They would believe you were alive until they had reason to think otherwise."

"I still don't have anything to give them, there's no reason for them to want to share something with me."

"They don't want anything from you, Edward. No one does. Owens took a lot from you, but not everything, and what you have left is very important, because it's the strongest part of you. Nobody wants you to lose any other part of your life. They just want you to enjoy what you have now."

I didn't believe that many people could ask so selflessly. It didn't add up with what I had learned about people. I knew not everyone was like him, of course, but people generally looked out for themselves.

Even if Dr. Garrison said I had strength left, I sure didn't feel it then. I felt tired and confused and I just wanted to be alone again. I wanted to ignore life, which I happened to be pretty good at.

The hour wasn't up, but I asked if I could be done anyway. She, thankfully, took pity on me, telling me she would see me on Monday.

**EmPOV**

School was finally winding down before break and with only a week to go, class on Friday was beyond dull. When the final bell rang, I immediately tracked Alice down, not in the mood to wait for her to socialize with her friends. I managed to get her and get out before Rose found me as well, and while I told myself I would not actively avoid her, I didn't exactly go looking for her a lot.

I was sure she was noticing my odd behavior around her. I was distancing myself, slowly, but she was smart and I'm sure she saw it. I had to talk to her before break, the problem was that I had yet to decide exactly how much I was going to tell her. Somewhere between being completely honest by telling her everything and ignoring the whole liking guys topic there had to be a middle ground. There had to be a balance that I could get the job done while minimizing the hurt for her. I hadn't figured that out yet, so we stuck around in this awkward limbo.

So, I rounded up Alice, got us both in my Jeep, and headed home for the weekend.

Pulling into the driveway, an unusual car was blocking my spot. As soon as I walked in the front door, the feeling of deja vu washed over me.

Edward's story, although completely different than mine, was beginning to draw some connections to mine.

I first met Mr. Johnson when I was seven. He had taken me to a group home, but I was only there for a few weeks. I was a lucky one, and he had placed me pretty quickly with Carlisle and Esme. When he told me I wasn't going back to my parents, I was angry and relieved all at the same time. I thought the group home was only temporary and I would be going back with my parents soon, so when he told me I was going to go with the Cullens -for good- it freaked me out a little.

He picked me up from the crowded home and drove me down to Forks. The whole drive was spent with him constantly talking to me and reassuring me that my new foster parents would be very nice and that they would take care of me. He told me I would have my own room and be the only kid in their house. I would go to school and make lots of new friends. He was going to call and visit to check up on me and if I was having any problems, he would know about it.

When we finally got there, I was relieved to find out that he was right. Just by meeting them I could tell that Carlisle and Esme were the nicest, most caring people I had ever met. Mr. Johnson had stayed and chatted with them for hours, making sure I was okay and when I was ready for him to go, he promised that he would be back soon and wished me luck. As it turned out I didn't need any luck. My new parents did all the work for me, making my transition as easy as possible.

By the time Mr. Johnson came back for his visit, I had all but forgotten that he was supposed to check up on me. All the same, the four of us, Carlisle, Esme, Mr. Johnson, and myself, ended up sitting in the living room, much as they were now, discussing my behavior and if I was comfortable in Forks.

Now I had been replaced by Edward, and I didn't envy him one bit. I knew he hated the attention, and that's what he was going to get from this scenario.

But something else was different, and as I chatted with my old social worker, I took note of the bag of papers that had been occupying their attentions previous to my arrival.

"What is all this stuff?" I picked one of the papers up. It was thick, the envelope obviously holding several papers or maybe a card. Flipping it over, I saw Edward Masen written on it followed by a Seattle address.

"They're letters, and they're Edward's, not yours," Carlisle told me sharply.

"Oh. My bad, sorry," I said while I put the letter down. I didn't realize it was such a touchy subject. I mean, everyone else was obviously going through them.

"It's fine," Edward mumbled, doing anything but making eye contact with anyone in the room. His face was red, but what else was new, and he looked like he might be sick.

Conversation abruptly ended and I regretted interrupting their meeting.

Finally, Edward looked up at my mom and asked if he could go upstairs. As he basically ran out of the room, three pairs of concerned eyes followed him.

"Look, I'm sorry if I interrupted, it looked like everyone was looking at them. I didn't think he'd mind." I didn't know if Edward was really that upset, but Mom surely would be if she thought he was.

"That's alright, Emmett. We were finishing up anyway." Mr. Johnson smiled at me, reassuring me that he hadn't been interrupted in his work. A lot of time had passed since he had needed to reassure me, and a lot had changed too. With my height, I now looked down at him instead of up. I was no longer a scared, unsure child but he still tried to encourage me. I was grateful and proud that I got to grow up in this house, and I was even more grateful to Mr. Johnson for making that possible to Edward too.

He was here on business though and turned back to my parents. "I'll leave these with you, they're his anyway. If he wants the rest of it, we can make sure it gets to him. If not, they'll make sure to send along any money or gifts that come in."

"Thank you, and I'm sure he's grateful for them, he just gets a little overwhelmed sometimes, you understand," Carlisle excused Edward's behavior.

He waved it off. "I know, Dr. Cullen. Don't worry about it. I suppose it was a good thing that I didn't bring more of it," he laughed.

After we said our goodbyes, Carlisle walked him out, subtly going to talk with him in private, I'm sure.

"How was school?" Esme asked as she began to shove the letters back into the too full bag.

"Who are all these from?" I ignored her attempt at regular conversation and started picking up letters, pretending to help her clean but really trying to get a glance at some of them. On the four or five I managed to see before she snatched them from my hands, I saw a few random names and a few with no return address.

"They're not for you. Alice? How was school?"

Alice, who I had taken little notice of, was still standing by the stairs, holding her school things.

"It was pretty good. Can I go to the movies tomorrow?" she asked casually.

"I don't see why not. Who's going with you?" she asked as she closed the bag and picked it up, ending my hopes of searching through them.

"Jasper."

My head snapped up immediately, looking at my little sister. She, of course, was looking directly at Mom, and strategically avoiding me. But I knew better. She asked in front of me for a reason. She knew she was going to win, but I wasn't going down without a fight.

"No," I told her.

"He finally asked you?" They were completely ignoring me.

Alice's face went red a little and there was no denying her sickly little giddy smile.

"Yeah, at lunch today."

"At lunch? I was with Jasper at lunch." How had he gotten around me?

"_After_ lunch," she clarified, finally acknowledging me. He had left a little early….

"Will he be driving?" Mom asked, obviously already decided.

"Yeah, he said he'd pick me up at five."

"That's not going to work," I told her.

"Okay, honey. Just be careful. Call me if you're going to be out later than ten-thirty, alright?"

"Ten-thirty? What would they possibly be doing for five and a half hours?"

"Thanks Mom," Alice said cheerfully and headed up the stairs.

I watched her go, wracking my brain for retaliation tactics. I came up with nothing by the time she disappeared.

Esme chuckled a little as she walked by, following Alice with the bag of mysterious letters.

"It's okay, honey. They'll be fine." She reached up on her tip toes and kissed my cheek before going up the stairs.

I played the only card I could think of. "Yeah, well she's not the only one going to the movies tomorrow, is she?"

Later, as I was sulking in my room, I was considering calling Rose and asking her to go with me, but I decided against it for two reasons. One, she would probably tell me to get a life and refuse to let me stalk my little sister, and two, I didn't know if I could be normal around her for an extended amount of time. Our usual movie theater activities wouldn't exactly be appropriate considering I was planning our break-up and might possibly probably be gay.

I did however get my laptop and figure out which movie she would be at, judging by the pick-up time and what movie a guy would think she would be interested in for a first date. No gory horror stuff, animations or action flicks, so that really only left the romantic comedy that had come out a few weeks ago. Great. I pinpointed the time I would need to be there and felt rather accomplished for a Friday night.

After a while, I heard the office door the Edward and his shrink were in open and the shuffling of feet that meant Edward was done for the night. That gave me an idea. I jumped off the bed and threw the door open, just in time to see Edward's close. Almost instantaneously, the doctor I had met in passing a few times appeared in the office doorway as well.

She smiled kindly as she went by, not stopping to make conversation like I expected her to. I guess she was here for a job, and that wasn't me.

After deciding not to knock on his door, I went back to my room until dinner time. By the time we sat down and served the food, Esme had already forbidden me from talking about the Alice and Jasper situation. Edward was quiet, not that it was unusual, but he seemed less engaged. Usually at dinner he at least tried to keep up with conversation, not joining in yet but at least looking at whoever was talking. Tonight, he kept his eyes on his plate only, and ate as little as possible.

If I hadn't already decided, I did then. A little trip to the movies was exactly what he needed. It would be good for him, to get out of the house but not have too much interacting to do. He could feel normal without lots of eyes on him. Whatever was in those letters, he needed a distraction and I could provide that for him. With a little help from Alice and her drama.

Instead of sticking around after dinner and watching TV like I usually would have, I followed Edward back upstairs.

Once out of earshot, I got his attention.

"Hey, Edward, tomorrow, would you go somewhere with me?" I asked, vaguely and a little rushed.

He paused, but then kept going up the stairs. "Where?"

"Uh…well I need to go to the movie theater. I'm following Alice. And yeah, I know that sounds crazy, but it's not."

He cracked the tiniest bit of a smile, but kept climbing and said, "I, uh…don't think I should. Thanks though."

"Dude, please? Don't make me beg you. I don't want to go by myself. That really would make me crazy."

He smiled a little more but no go. He shook his head.

We reached the landing between our rooms and I reached out my hand, gripping his elbow and stopping him. He froze, immediately looking down at my hand on his arm. Confused for a second, I stared at it too, before I realized that he might not be okay with me touching him. I let go, but he didn't look away from the spot. He didn't seem like he was going to be pissed or anything, so I continued.

"Look, will you please come with me? I think it would be a good distraction too." He finally looked at me, hesitantly, like he wasn't sure to be mad or not yet. "I mean, whatever's got you in this funk, you could forget about it. Get out of the house a little, you know? Plus you would seriously be doing me a favor."

He looked back down at his arm, and I wasn't sure if he had heard me, he had been quiet for so long. I was sure he was going to ignore me when finally, he said, "okay."

"Yeah?" He nodded. "Great. We'll leave a little bit after five, is that okay?" Another nod. "Cool."

I took a step back when I realized we were awkwardly close to each other and he wasn't leaving. My movement seemed to spur him and he finally shook his head a little bit and retreated into his room, closing the door without another word. I followed his example, and when my door was shut, I leaned against it and let out a long, harsh breathe I didn't realize I had been holding.

**AN- Hey there…don't kill me :)) I'm very sorry. Really, I am. I hate excuses like this but I have been traveling a lot and just finished unpacking from a move, so I have been very busy and I just have not had the time to think about this story as much as I would like to. I very much appreciate all the support and encouraging words, that's definitely what got me to get going again on this. Rest assured, I will not quit on this story. I'm sorry I had to take a little break from it but I am ready to focus on it again. I feel so horrible knowing that people are waiting patiently (or impatiently) for an update and I have not provided, seeing as how I am often in the opposite position and I wonder just what on earth they are doing! I understand how it happens now and it is the reason I did not want to post this story until I was closer to finishing it in the first place. But now that I have started, I will continue to post as I write, even if it isn't the way I prefer to do things. I'll do my best to never ever ever leave you waiting this long again.**

**Anyway, next chapter is a big one for Edward, and maybe not in a good way. He's got some troubles coming ahead, but it'll be worth it. I'll try my hardest to get this next one out within the week to redeem myself a little.**

**Thanks a million for those who are sticking with me. Please review :))**


	13. Chapter 13

**AN- Whew, this one was a hard one. I can't even tell you how much I deleted and rewrote until I was happy(ish) with it. It's still not perfect but I think it's as good as it's gonna get right now. I hope you all are not disappointed. **

**Thanks for all of the reviews last chapter. I'm so glad you all stuck with me and are still interested to read about these two. **

Saturday, December 11th

EmPOV

As expected, Mom made a huge deal when I told her on Saturday morning that I was going to drive Edward and myself up to Port Angeles that night. I figured she wouldn't be completely on board with the whole stalking Alice thing, but I wasn't anticipating her real problem being with the company I had requested.

"But I asked, and he said yes."

"I want you to tell him never mind, that you can't go and maybe some other time," she insisted.

"But why? He seemed totally fine with the plan," I only fibbed a little bit. He did seem alright with it, after some convincing. "I even asked ahead of time." She wouldn't be able to accuse me of springing it on him like last time.

"I don't want him in a crowded movie theater right now. He hasn't spent much time outside of the house, and the place to start isn't in a room full of people where he can't leave until the movie's over."

"He can leave whenever he wants, I promise. If he's freaked out, we'll leave. I already told him I wanted to go, if I take it back he'll totally see through it. You don't want him to think that I don't want to be his friend, do you?" I asked pointedly. She was always telling me to try to talk to him, engage him, whatever. Well, there was only so much to do around the house, and it always ended in him escaping to his room. At least at the movies he was guaranteed a few hours out, whether he liked it or not.

I knew I had her now. She looked a little hesitant, clearly considering the repercussions of me going back on my plans with him.

"Besides, a new movie came out last night, so everyone will be going to see that. The movie we're seeing is weeks old, it shouldn't be too crowded. We'll sit in the back so nobody bothers us. It'll be good for him to go out and do something to feel normal, right?"

"I don't know, Emmett. I know you're just going so you can bother your sister anyway."

"Exactly, what could possibly be more normal than a teenage boy lookin' out for his little sis, right?"

She rolled her eyes, but smiled a little and I knew I had won.

"I'll talk to him about it. If he doesn't want to go, he's not going, and you will not pressure him into it. Got it? Don't say a word about it to him, I won't have you making him feel bad about something like this," she told me sternly.

I was told to wait downstairs while she discussed it with Edward, which was really fucking hard to do because it would have been way too easy to sneak up after her and eavesdrop from my bedroom. But no, I did not, I stayed where I was told to and didn't push my luck.

It wasn't that long before she came back and gave me a, reluctant, go ahead for the movie plan, all the while warning me to keep an eye on him and bring him home at the first sign of distress. I was to call in the event of anything going wrong and I should make sure that it doesn't, because if I mess this up it wasn't happening again anytime soon.

As much as I wanted to be confident that nothing _would_ happen, I had to admit that this was as much a test run for me as it was for Edward. I tried my best to act normal and natural around him, but it was hard. For one, I had to keep from saying stuff that went too far over his head. Sometimes there was everyday stuff that he had no way to know about, and that came up in natural conversation, that I needed to stop and explain without making it sound like I thought he was an idiot. Like the texting thing. I did my best to go slow so I made sense but not too slow that I sounded like I was speaking to a three year old. I wished it wasn't an issue, but I worried that I would get too far ahead of him and he would become overwhelmed and stop trying to learn.

Something else that could potentially be a problem was my need to keep my act going. I shouldn't, and couldn't, like Edward. He was most definitely off limits, and the attempt to make myself accept that was already exhausting.

I had never gone about actively pursuing anybody before, me and Rose just kinda happened. And I _definitely_ hadn't tried it with a boy. I found myself wanting to do stupid things, like finding excuses to tell funny stories at dinner while he was listening, or going to excessive effort to look and smell nice for a simple family meal in the kitchen. I wasn't _trying_ to flirt or anything, I just realized I was doing it after I could stop it. I'm sure he didn't pick up on anything, but the fact remained that I had made him off limits, and yet some part of my brain was still trying to get him to notice me.

Meanwhile, I had not spoken to Rose all weekend and she was bound to know that something seriously wrong was going on. She hadn't called either, and I suspected she was waiting for me to initiate contact, but that was even worse. I didn't want to, but I had to, and I kept going around in a circle.

I had set a deadline though. By next Friday, she would know. It might kill her, but she had to know. She might kill me as well, but even that wasn't enough to compensate for what I was doing to her. I already felt sick about what an ass I was, and the only way I could live with myself was by thinking about other things. She had to stay out of my mind right now.

So I thought about what me and Edward would talk about in the car, what he would be like at the movies, and how he would react if anything _did_ go wrong.

Around four, I got in the shower, getting ready slowly and way too meticulously for a guy, but telling myself there was nothing wrong with being extra clean. I dressed casually, in my favorite jeans and a button up green plaid shirt, one that Alice had bought me and told me I looked good in, but it was still casual enough for an outing with a guy friend. I headed downstairs after one last look in the mirror. Edward wasn't anywhere in sight, but Esme had told me he was going, and I didn't think he would back out on me. He was probably just hiding up there until exactly five.

Jasper came to pick Alice up, but as soon as he pulled into the driveway, Alice was running out the door, not giving him any time to come up to the house and get her himself. Obviously she didn't want me talking to him, but that was okay. I would get my chance.

As I expected, Edward came down at five o'clock on the dot, dressed similarly to me in a long sleeved shirt but threw a sweatshirt on over it before we both grabbed our coats and I got my keys. We were almost out the door when Mom stopped us, of course.

"You guys ready to head out?" she asked innocently. Duh, what did it look like? I let Edward answer, seeing that it was him she really wanted to talk to anyway. He just nodded and tried to look pleased with the situation, although he really just looked nervous.

"You're sure you don't want to stay in? You guys could rent something and watch it here, or-"

"Nope, we're going. Don't worry Mom, everything will be just fine. It's just the movies, no big deal I swear." I gave her a hug, hopefully it was comforting enough that she would trust me blindly with her new son. She looked to Edward, waiting for his answer.

"I want to go, really. I'll be fine. I'm okay." He was convincing himself just as much as her, I was sure of it, but whatever talk they had that morning seemed to mean more to her, so she nodded and opened the door for us.

"Call for any reason, and don't be out too late. And don't bother your sister."

"Yeah, we'll see about that. Bye Mom!" I said quickly and rushed to the car so she couldn't lecture me.

Edward got there at his own pace, so by the time he climbed in I had already started the car and was fiddling with the heat, impatiently. It was fucking cold out today.

"Shit, it's cold," I commented.

Edward murmured a little in agreement. I glanced at him. His hands were shoved deep into his coat pockets and his head was leaned back against the headrest, looking up at the ceiling.

"You tired?"

It took him a minute to answer, and when he did, it was a mumbled, "yeah, I guess."

He looked more than sleepy to me. He looked…defeated. Like he just didn't give a shit about what happened. He had only agreed to come with me after I told him I would help him get out of his 'funk' so now that's what I had to do. If he was upset about something, maybe it would be good for him to talk about it with someone who wasn't an adult. I started where I thought the problem had begun.

"It was weird seeing Johnson yesterday. You like him?"

I was on the main road now, so I had my eyes on the road, but I saw his head roll towards me, looking in my direction instead of the roof of the car.

"Yeah, he's okay. It's kind of awkward now. But yeah."

"He's pretty cool. You can tell he actually enjoys and cares about his job, which is better than some other people we've dealt with during foster care. I get what you're saying though. When I was little, whenever he visited or called I never knew what to say to him." I was taking a shot in the dark here, trying to be understanding, but not really knowing why it was awkward for him. "It's like he leaves for weeks and he wants you to tell him everything that's happened in one conversation. I never knew what exactly he wanted me to say."

He hesitated, and I could tell I hadn't exactly hit the nail on the head with why he thought it was awkward. "Yeah, but I was kind of rude when I first met him. He didn't seem to mind, but I feel bad I made him put up with me and he's so nice now." That one I really did get completely.

"Dude, I'm not even kidding that happened with me too. Well, it wasn't the first time I met him but a few weeks later. He tried to come and take me to Carlisle and Esme and I just wanted to go back home with my parents. I was so pissed at him, but I didn't get I wasn't going back home. I freaked out on him a bit, but I kinda think he's used to it by now. Nobody's exactly _happy_ in foster care, you know?"

"Yeah, I guess." He hesitated again, and I knew he was curious. I told him that I was adopted before, but I didn't tell him any details. I didn't have a problem with sharing the basics. Most of my friends knew how I had ended up with the Cullens, or at least part of it. Eventually, and I wasn't surprised, his curiosity ran out.

"Where were you before you went to them?" he asked, quietly, but with genuine interest.

"I was in a group home. It fucking sucked. I was only there for a few weeks, but it was bad enough. I lucked out with the Cullens, big time. Some of the kids there had been there for a long time."

"What's a group home like?" I grinned as he started to lose his hesitancy.

"The one I was at was in this house, it was pretty big but full of kids. Most were my age or older, but I was only seven so they seemed really scary. I shared a room with four other boys, and it was always loud and you never got a minute alone. I was freaked out enough because my parents weren't there, but then I had to go somewhere weird and stressful, man was I happy to move in with the Cullens," I explained. I tried to stop myself from considering that he might be wishing he had been in a group home, and I was rubbing salt in his wounds by saying how much I hated it.

"Where were your parents?" He asked right away, before trying to take it back. "I mean, you don't have to tell me. Sorry."

I smiled again, showing him it was okay. "Don't worry about it, I don't mind. They weren't the best parents in the world. I think they meant well, but they both got caught up with drugs. I don't remember a lot but I do know I was alone a lot and they didn't always take the best care of me. Basically, they were both arrested, my mom ended up in a rehab center for a while and my dad was in jail." There was more to the story, but I had learned a long time ago that I didn't need to share it with everyone and I no longer felt bad lying a little to avoid the entire truth. It was a little heavy for our conversation and to be honest, I _didn't_ want to talk about that part.

"Oh…sorry," he was back to mumbling and I was sorry the conversation had taken that turn. I didn't mind telling him, but he seemed uncomfortable now.

"No, I seriously don't mind. I was just saying I know where you're coming from."

We were quiet for a minute. Then I continued, since he wasn't going to.

"Can I ask you something?"

He shrugged and added, "I guess."

"Esme wouldn't tell me. What was up with those letters yesterday?"

I felt like maybe I had pushed my luck too far when he didn't answer, but eventually he seemed to work through it and be able to give me something.

"They're from people that saw me on the news, I guess. Mr. Johnson keeps calling them well-wishers, but they were all pretty much just mad." He was looking away now, back out the window, with his hands still shoved in his pockets. The car was plenty warm by now, but he still looked as stiff as ever.

"Mad at _him_?" What was I supposed to call him? The asshole that ruined your life, sick bastard, crazed lunatic? "At Owens, I mean?"

Edward visibly flinched when I said his name. "Yeah. Mad at him."

"Well that's pretty fucked up, actually. I mean, sure they were probably trying to be nice and all, but they should keep their opinions to themselves. They don't know what's going on, it's not really anybody's place to judge, not to mention shoving their opinions down your throat," I said heatedly. Whose place was it to remind Edward about the ass that did all that shit to him? I don't think he would easily forget, and he didn't need strangers telling him to be angry. Couldn't people just let him be?

"Yeah, I know," he muttered.

We were quiet for a while, and I thought about the huge amount of pressure Edward surely felt. I mean, this guy just shows up with all these letters from strangers, and Edward's just expected to be grateful and react well to them. Well, who was to say how he was supposed to react, he obviously didn't see it the same way as Mr. Johnson or my parents did. He did a remarkable job at keeping his head and not freaking out about it like I probably would have. I know he wasn't a very vocal guy, but I would have a hard time not pointing out how stupid I thought they were being.

Edward's ability to keep calm and not over-react was impressive to me, but I didn't really think it was a good quality for him to have. He was obviously holding a lot back, and that couldn't be good. Then again, I didn't know what he did in his room, behind closed doors. He could be saving all his emotions for then and freaking out while nobody watched. That would make a lot of sense, but it probably wasn't the healthiest way to go about things. He shouldn't have to just take everything that was thrown at him. He needed to fight, and communicate what he was okay with and what he didn't like. How else would he ever make any progress? I would have to make it my job to read him. To see the signs and know what he wanted to say, whether he said it or not.

We were nearing Port Angeles now. I didn't know if Edward recognized his surroundings, but he broke the silence first, like he wanted to make sure he had time to ask before we arrived.

"Why do you want to follow Alice?"

"Because. She thinks it's okay to go out with a guy two years older than her. I'm making sure he treats her right before I can be okay with it."

"So you're spying on her?"

I huffed. "If you want to get technical, I suppose you could call it that. But I'm pretty sure she knows I'm coming. There's no way Esme wouldn't tell her."

"But I thought you were friends with Jasper?" He sounded confused, and rightly so. I had told Edward we were friends and I had him over to the house. Now I was taking it back, clearly showing Edward that I didn't trust him.

"We are friends. But guys do some pretty stupid shit when girls get involved, and I want to make sure Alice doesn't get hurt. She's never really dated before, and she might do something stupid too. It's just best if they have some…supervision," I said with a hint of an evil grin. I wasn't trying to ruin her night or anything, but if they happened to have an awful time, well I didn't see that as being a problem.

"So what are you going to do?" he sounded more accepting of the plan than I could have hoped for, and I was again glad it was him here and not Rose.

"Well, I figured out what movie they're seeing. As long as we get there before them, we can sit in the very back and hopefully, they won't see us but I will be able to see them."

We were quiet after that, and as we entered the city and I neared the movie theater, he began to fidget and bite at his nails. He was nervous. But he didn't want to make a big deal about it.

I knew going out was a big deal for him, and it wasn't hard to understand why. It hadn't escaped my notice that he hadn't actually gone out anywhere with me yet. He went for car rides. It wasn't the same thing. I knew he had successfully gone to the hospital with Carlisle, but again, it wasn't quite the same as a social outing to the movies. He had insisted several times to me and Mom that he _did_ want to come tonight. If he wanted to go, then I would help him do it. I might be asking for trouble, but it only seemed fair.

Pulling into the lot behind the theater, I tried to see it from his perspective. Not that there were tons of people, but it was a Saturday evening and even in Port Angeles, that meant a good crowd at the movies. He didn't know if these people could be a threat to him. He didn't even know what to expect at a movie theater. It must be so confusing and scary when everything you did was a new experience. It was no wonder he was never really comfortable or relaxed.

Once parked, I took the keys out of the ignition and waited. It was silent. He didn't make a move at all, we could have still been driving. The only change I could see was his eyes. They were darting all around to different people walking by. Nobody noticed him that I could see, but he noticed everybody. It didn't take much insight to know why he was so interested.

"You ready to go?" I asked, trying to sound casual but the truth was, the longer we sat here, the higher the tension rose. He might have shrugged, might have shuddered, I couldn't really tell but it didn't matter. He wasn't ready to go, he was freaked out.

I sighed. The last thing I wanted to do was make it awkward. I didn't want to point out our differences or make myself seem better than him. I had planned on acting as casually as possible, thinking that even if we both knew he was freaked out, if we ignored it and didn't talk about it, he would be more comfortable and be able to deal with it in his own time, without judgment from me. That wasn't going to work. He needed me to say it, to talk him through this.

"Dude, I'm not going to let anybody fuck with you. Don't worry about it. They'll leave you alone."

He moved now, his head jerking towards mine immediately. For a second I thought he was pissed, like he hadn't wanted me to say anything and he was insulted. But then his glare broke. He was almost pleading me now, wanting to believe what I had said.

When he looked down at his knees, I spoke again. "I swear, nobody's going to bother you, okay? I'll be with you the whole time and not to be cocky, but I'll scare the shit out of anybody who tries. And once you get this first time over with, it'll be a lot easier, right?"

He took a minute to think about it, but then without saying anything else, he suddenly opened his door and exited the car, slamming the door shut behind him. I was left behind, still with my seatbelt on. I rushed to catch up with him, locking the car as I closed my own door. I met him at the back of the jeep, just standing there with his hands deep in his pockets again. He was still glancing all around, but he seemed like he was ready to do this, scared or not.

I motioned forward with my hands, and he took off towards the building, again leaving me to follow behind.

Catching up, I said, "By the way, sorry if this movie sucks. I didn't pick it, you know. Alice has pretty shitty taste in movies. But hey, it's the price you pay when stalking people I guess…."

He didn't respond, didn't even nod, but I felt better when talking. The new topic had easily broken the tension from the car and I wanted to keep talking, even if he wasn't listening.

"I didn't really plan this far ahead actually…I'm not sure what I'm going to do if I actually _see_ them. Like outside of the movie. Not sure if Jasper knows or anything so they'll probably be, you know, mad. I guess I should try to avoid them, I just want to like watch from a distance or something…." Edward clearly didn't give a shit about my rant, but I was just making noise so it didn't matter.

He was walking fast, I mean like border line jogging, but that was okay. He reached the doors first and pulled them open. Once inside the warm lobby, he finally stopped. I walked, slowly, towards the ticket counter, making sure to watch him out of the corner of my eye to see him follow me. He stayed closed, but behind me. There was a short line at the counter, but they had several employees working different registers so it went fairly quickly. Edward seemed to have gotten himself together a little by then because when I pulled my wallet out and told the lady behind the counter what we were seeing, he came to stand right next to me. He was still looking suspiciously around like somebody was about to jump at him but at least he wasn't shaking and running to the car like last time.

"Do you have a student I.D.? It's a ten percent discount," the woman said.

"Oh, yeah I do…" I pulled mine out of my wallet and as I handed it to her, made an excuse for Edward so he didn't have to. "He doesn't have his with him but here's mine." She printed our tickets and handed them both to me.

"Thanks." I turned and motioned for Edward to follow me towards the theaters.

"Here's your ticket." I handed him his and he still didn't say anything, but nodded. Just as we were about to reach the guy that would take them, the worst possible thing happened.

"Hey! Cullen!" a familiar voiced called. Whipping my head around for the source of the noise, I spotted him immediately.

"Fuck," I muttered, pissed that we were so close to getting through unscathed and now Edward had to meet this dumbass. "Hold on and let me talk to this guy for a second, Edward."

Mike Newton had almost caught up to us and I turned to meet him.

"Hey Mike." Edward stood back a little, but he was clearly with me and I knew his presence wouldn't go unnoticed.

"Hey, are you seeing the movie that just came out?" he asked, pointing to a poster for it.

"Oh, no, we're, uh, meeting Alice here. She didn't want to see it," I lied. That drew Mike's attention towards Edward, who he clearly hadn't paid any attention to up until then.

"Oh, hi, I'm Mike. I'm on the football team with Emmett. Who are…?" Mike spoke to Edward now, hinting for him to tell him how we knew each other.

I knew my dad had been on the news in Seattle. He had talked about Edward, and while he hadn't exactly said his name or told people where we lived, he was a prominent figure in the tiny town of Forks, and there had been talk about the new kid the Cullens had taken in. Obviously the story would be huge, our family taking in the kid that had been kidnapped and the focus of several large news stories since, if only it could be confirmed that the whole thing was true. Like with my friends, some people didn't watch the news and didn't care, but others would do anything for a big piece of gossip around here. Unfortunately, the news would break eventually no matter what I did about it, and whether or not Mike knew enough to confirm people's suspicions…well I didn't have much of a choice.

"This is Edward, he's a friend of ours."

"Oh is he staying with you?" he hinted at the real truth, and just like that I knew he knew who he really was.

"Yeah, like I said we're meeting Alice so…" I tried to end the conversation but he really wouldn't let me.

"Where's Rosalie?" he asked instead.

"She's at home, didn't want to come," I lied again, shortly to encourage him to end our little chat soon.

"Oh, well I'm here with Jessica if you guys want to join us. I know you bought different tickets, but nobody will notice. I'm sure she would like to meet your friend too." He gave Edward another analyzing glance, and I started to worry that he was going to confront the situation outright.

"No thanks, really, we have to go. See you at school," I hedged, and started to direct Edward away from this obnoxious kid.

"Yeah, I'll see you at school!" he said happily. He seemed a little weird tonight, but my concern was on getting Edward away from him instead. Once through the line for the man to take our tickets and on our way towards the theater he directed us to, I tried to explain the weird interaction.

"Sorry. He's fucking annoying, can't believe he's here right now."

I expected Edward to stick with this non-verbal thing he was suddenly so good at but instead, he suddenly told me, "He knows too."

"He knows what?"

"Who I really am. He looked at me and….he knows." He was confident, if only in his ability to read people for that information. I had suspected as much as well but having Edward confirm my suspicions made our trip out tonight seem a little risky and trivial.

I shook my head. I shouldn't think stuff like that. Edward needed to get out, he couldn't hide inside for his whole life.

"Oh. Well, whatever, I mean he didn't say anything and you're probably not going to see him anymore anyway," I shrugged it off. "He's pretty harmless." As much as I tried to reassure him, Mike made me nervous. I looked around over my shoulder as we turned the corner.

Our movie was on in one of the very back theaters, as I had predicted, and we were the only ones heading in the doors. We were still pretty early and I hadn't caught sight of Alice yet. I led the way up the ramp to the seating and after glancing back in the dark to make sure Edward was still following me, headed up the stairs to the back. There were only half a dozen or so other people here and it was a relief not only to Edward but me as well.

"You alright?" I asked once we were sitting. He didn't look me in the eye while he nodded, and I understood it to mean that he didn't want to acknowledge his nerves in the car or the pep talk I had to give him. He wanted to pretend everything was fine and that I had no idea he was even freaked out at all by his surroundings. I could do that.

I waited for Alice to arrive, feeling accomplished and very sneaky for hijacking their date. Somewhere deep down I felt a twinge or guilt for lying to her taking matters into my own hands, but I honestly just wanted to take care of my little sister. While I knew that Jasper was a good guy, I also knew there were a lot of jackass's out there and I needed to confirm that he was going to treat her right before I would let him have free reign, so to speak. It anything ever happened to her because I wasn't paying enough attention…well I would definitely never forgive myself.

But as the minutes trickled by, the lights dimmed, the previews started, and no Alice was in sight, I started to get pissed. I mean, where could they possibly be? I saw them leave the house not ten minutes after me, they couldn't be too far.

When the credits started rolling for the real movie, I feel like an idiot. She's played me, I just know it. She knew I was going to try this, and she tricked me. I was pissed, and I looked the part, sitting slumped in the seat with my arms across my chest.

"Are they not coming?" Edward asked, very unsure.

"No." I said it bluntly, my irritation clear. When I realized I was pouting like a four year old, I relaxed my face and looked over at Edward.

What I saw made me completely forget about Alice and Jasper.

Edward was, quite the opposite of me, leaning forward, his arms wrapped around his stomach, almost rocking in his chair. He was looking up, but not at the opening scene of the movie we were supposed to be watching. He was looking at the people around us, his eyes scanning from a guy with his girlfriend two rows in front of us and about ten feet to the right, and another couple right in front of us but five or six rows down. He was obviously watching them for signs of a threat, like they were suddenly going to forget about their dates and come back here to hurt Edward.

He was breathing heavily threw his nose, and if I didn't know better, I would say he was on the verge of some sort of an attack. My sullen mood surely wasn't doing anything to comfort him, and I wondered if he really wanted to leave.

"Edward?" He glanced at me before continuing his surveillance. I didn't want to ask him directly, he had made it clear to me that he didn't want me to point out that I knew he was nervous. "We can leave if you want, you know. We don't have to stay. Alice isn't even here." I tried to sound calm and impartial.

"No, I don't want to go." His body was saying something completely different. "I mean, if you want to, we can…" he backtracked, looking even more nervous than before. Like I would ever be mad for him telling me his opinion. If he wanted to stay, he could stay. That was all there was. He wanted to do this, to prove that he could maybe, and even if he was having a hard time with it, his mind was set.

"We'll stay then," I agreed. "But Alice is gonna get it later…I can't believe she's not here," I muttered, irritated again. Instead of looking scared this time though, Edward almost smiled. More like smirked, but close enough.

I don't think either one of us watched any of the movie. Edward eventually calmed down a little and relaxed in his seat, but his eyes never stopped roaming from person to person across the room. It was a good thing we sat in the back, or else he would have looked weird turning around every twenty seconds.

I on the other hand spent the first part of the movie mad, and the rest of it trying to pretend I wasn't watching the boy next to me. I imagined a completely different world where he wasn't terrified of his surroundings and even if he never saw me like I see him, we could at least be comfortable friends. Laugh around and kid about the stupid movie we were watching and come up with explanations of Alice's whereabouts. He could even help me come up with a retaliation plan.

But instead, I sat there in the back row of the dark theater watching him try to stay calm and not freak out. He was trying, really hard, to be a normal teenager on a normal night out. He was, sadly, failing miserable. I mean, it could be a whole lot worse, but I didn't know if he would ever be _normal_. The fact that he was trying though meant more than I could imagine, because it was so obviously difficult and it would be so easy for him to just stay in his bedroom and ignore the world. But here he was, doing his best because I asked him to.

It sucked, because all I could do was sit here and watch him struggle.

The movie ended, and I only knew because the lights were on and people were moving. I don't think Edward knew either because he only watched the dude in front of us get up and leave. Thankfully, he went right instead of coming directly in front of us. Edward's eyes watched him go all the way down until he was out of view.

"Ready?"

He nodded. The theater was pretty much empty now. I stood up, he followed.

As my eyes adjusted to the bright light in the hall, Edward walked beside me this time, not behind, as we entered the main lobby and turned towards the exit. I thought the night was over, but it hadn't even begun.

I wasn't even paying attention. I was looking forward, towards the goal of the exit doors so this night could end when I heard something that wasn't right.

"Edward? Excuse me Edward Masen?" I looked around for the source of the voice. It sounded urgent, and the man I saw jogging towards us definitely _looked_ urgent too. But why the fuck was he calling out Edwards name? Edward didn't know anybody. I didn't know this guy, and he shouldn't know Edward.

"Hey! Hold on, Edward. I just want a quick word with you." The guy was closer now, within a few feet. Edward had seen him as well, and was backing up to get away from this man who obviously was seen as a threat.

Then I saw it. This dude, who was wearing khaki pants and a tie, was holding a camera. It was a nice, small, expensive looking camera with a long strap that he had slung over his shoulder, like he was trying to hide the camera.

He was smiling now, a gross, overly pleased smile directed towards Edward. "I thought you were going to run out on me there Edward," he said with a lighthearted laugh while his arm went up to reach around Edwards shoulder.

Immediately, before he could even touch Edward, my hand was on his shoulder, shoving him away.

"Hey man, what are you doing?" I asked him, really pissed off now. Who was he that he thought he could just come up to him and do that?

He held up his one, non-hidden arm in front of him as if surrendering. But he wasn't done yet. "I just wanted to introduce myself and ask Edward a few questions, if you don't mind. My name is-"

"Yeah, I do fucking mind," I said sharply, putting myself between Edward and the man and steering Edward, who was white as a sheet, towards the exit.

He was a persistent fucker though, and followed closely behind.

"And I take it you're Emmett Cullen, Dr. Cullen's son? How is home life working out with your new foster brother, given his difficult background?"

I didn't know if he was recording us or not, but I hoped he caught the "fuck off," I threw at him before yanking the doors open and nudging Edward out first, as to not get caught by this guy. As it turns out, that was a mistake. The first thing I saw outside was a blinding camera flash. Then I heard some jumbled yelling and names being called. Once my eyes adjusted, I saw what seemed like dozens of reporters, but in reality was probably only a few. The fact that they were there at all overwhelmed me, and my mind exaggerated everything. The lights of their cameras, the size and the speed they were coming at us, and most noticeably, their yells. For the life of me I couldn't make anything coherent out, but it was obvious who they wanted.

Maybe one second, maybe ten seconds went by before I was able to snap out of all of this and move. Edward was not so lucky. It seemed he had frozen. It was my job to unfreeze him, as I told him I wasn't going to let anybody fuck with him.

Getting an arm around him to start with, I shoved him into motion, jogging as fast as I could make him move towards the car. After a few more light flashes from behind me, I had the instinct to grab his hood and throw it over his head, so their pictures were useless. I put a hand on his head, pointing it down towards the ground so unless someone was standing right in front of him, they couldn't see who he was.

It seemed like minutes but was probably only seconds before we made it to my Jeep. I used the button to unlock all the doors, opened the passenger side, pretty much shoved Edward in, and slammed his door, locking all the doors again. I ran to my side and unlocked my door with the key, not trusting these vultures around an unlocked car with Edward inside.

By some miracle, the parking space in front of me was empty, and I could just pull forward and out instead of having to fight threw the small crowd that had formed behind us.

The seconds after pulling away from that nightmare were surreal. It was very quiet, and everything seemed muted. The headlights of other cars were softer, I was driving slower, and it didn't seem as bitter cold as the ride there.

I was out of breath. My head was spinning a little bit. What the fuck had just happened?

A few miles away from the theater, I was looking out my rearview and felt the urge to hide somewhere. What if they were trying to follow me? I pulled into a restaurant's parking lot and stopped in a back, uninhibited corner of it. I parked. It was silent.

Bracing myself, I turned towards Edward, expecting the worse. Here was one thing I could not possibly be exaggerating.

His hood was still up, he was leaning down low, his head almost touching his knees, and he was shaking. I couldn't see his face but I knew it would be pale and frantic.

I was at a loss here, caught between my own shock and not knowing how on earth to comfort him. There as literally nothing I could say to make this go away.

I took a deep breath, shaken up myself, before shaking my head to clear it so I could focus on him.

"Edward?" No answer. He didn't even move. I could hear him sucking in breathes. He might have been crying. I couldn't quite tell. "Edward?" I said again, a little louder and a little more panicked.

All at once, he shot upright, gasped in a huge breathe, and fumbled at the door handle, trying to get out. He couldn't open it, it was locked, and he just yanked harder. I quickly flipped the switch on my door that unlocked all of the doors and he practically fell out of the car.

Before I knew it, he was out of the car and running towards the wooded back lot behind the restaurant's property. I yanked my own door open, knowing it wasn't a good idea to let him out of my sight when he was so upset. I had flashes of him bolting, trying to get away and running aimlessly threw unknown woods. I knew he couldn't outrun me, but I didn't think now was a good time to let him try either.

I didn't need to worry about that though, because his goal was simply the tree line. By the time I got to him, he was already doubled over, puking his guts out onto the twigs and dead leafs.

"Shit," I muttered. I seriously fucked up this time. Why did I even ask him to come with me?

I took another glance around the parking lot, feeling like we were being followed. We weren't, and I turned my attention back to Edward, who wasn't quite finished yet.

I didn't know what to do here. I mean, I didn't want to say anything stupid, and I wasn't sure if I should touch him or not. Rose was hung over and puking once, and I held her hair, but I mean, Edward didn't have hair to hold, and he wasn't big on touching as it was. So I stood their awkwardly, waiting for him to be done.

Eventually, he was left bent over with his hands on his knees, heaving for breath, the puffs of air visible since it was so fucking cold out here. We were silent, still, and I felt like if I said anything I would only make it worse.

For once, he said it all. "Fuck."

"Yeah," I agreed.

He stood up, wiping his mouth with his sleeve and looking around the parking lot, the same as I had.

"Can we go home?" he asked, sounding pretty desperate and exhausted.

"I have some water in my car, I think," I said instead of an answer, and headed to the car, digging around in the back seat for the last bottle I had used when working out. It was half drunk and a week old, but better than nothing. I handed it to him, and with a shaking hand, he took it and chugged the whole thing.

Neither one of us had anything to say, so I started the car and got on the highway as fast as I could. Grabbing my phone, I realized I needed to let my parents know. This was definitely under the "something going wrong" category, and I didn't have the first clue about what to do here.

Before I could put the phone to my ear, however, Edward shoved my hand down, away from my face.

"Don't fucking call Esme." He looked pissed for once, and I was confused as to what the hell had gotten into him.

"What? I have to call her, man. This is serious, they need to know," I reasoned. What if those fuckers were following us? I tried to call her again, this time getting the phone all the way to my ear before Edward full out grabbed it away from me and threw it on the back seat.

"Don't call her!" he nearly shouted at me.

"What the hell, Edward?" I said, stunned at his sudden ability to give a shit what I did.

"I told her it would be fine. I'm fucking fine, don't call her. Just go home." He was seriously worked up now, breathing heavily and red faced.

"Well I guess I don't have much of a choice now, do I?" I said bitterly. I mean, I was driving and he just threw my phone into the mess of my back seat, so I guess he won.

He ran his fingers threw his hair, well actually it was more like yanking, but he exhaled a huge breath at the end and, while it was still shaky, seemed like it calmed him down a little.

"Sorry," he said so softly I barely heard it.

"Are you okay? That was fucking crazy back there," I said bluntly, deciding that we were past all the subtle bullshit.

He put his head back in his hands and his elbows back on his knees. He didn't answer, but I figured it out for myself. Occasionally, he would run his hands over his face, but he stared at the car floor most of the way home.

I drove way too fast on the way back, and we were home in record time. I took stalk of Edward while I pulled into the driveway, and all things considered, he seemed pretty good. He wasn't shaking, but he had this freaky stare thing happening, like he wasn't really with me.

"You know I have to tell them, right?" I asked.

He didn't answer right away, but when I had parked, he gave me a short, "whatever," and yanked his door open, jogging up the steps to the house. After digging out my phone, I followed, and what I saw when I got inside didn't surprise me.

Edward was trying to escape up the stairs and my mom was in her pajamas, holding on lightly to one of his wrists, trying to keep him from disappearing. Dad was standing nearby, looking equally worried.

"Honey, just tell me what happened. You look like you don't feel well, are you okay?" she asked him, urgently.

"I'm fine, please just let me go upstairs," he said, in a tone that was more desperate than anything I had ever heard.

She looked at me, seeking reassurance, and I nodded, telling her to let him go and I would explain.

She let go. He was gone, skipping two steps at a time on his way up.

"What happened, Emmett? I told you to call me!"

I took my coat and shoes off and sat down on the couch, preparing for the long explanation.

"He wouldn't let me call you."

"Why is he upset? What happened?" she asked, exasperated. When they were both on the couch, I told them.

"We left the movie, and this dude came up to us. He knew our names and wanted to talk to Edward. He had a camera," I said pointedly, as if it explained everything.

Carlisle ran a hand over his face, exhaling sharply and Esme's face crumpled, disappointed.

"And?" Carlisle pressed, ready for the worst of it now.

"And I told him to get lost and I got Edward out of there, but there were more outside. Like lots of them, taking pictures and yelling. I got him to the car, but I mean, there wasn't much avoiding them."

"What did Edward do?" Esme urged me to continue.

"Well, he didn't really do anything for a minute. I drove out of there pretty fast and he was just, like, hunched over and shaking. I parked a few miles away and he jumped out and threw up in some trees."

She looked heartbroken now, and I was sure she was going to cry.

"None of them followed you?" Carlisle asked me.

"I don't think so. I didn't see anybody too close behind me and none in the parking lot that I could tell."

"Did he talk to you at all?" Esme was still worried about his reaction, and rightly so.

"No, not really. I gave him some water in the car and he was quiet, except I tried to call you and he really didn't want me to, told me to just go home."

Esme _was_ crying now, and she came over to my couch and sat next to me, wrapping her small arms around my frame in a hug. I rubbed her back, thinking she needed more comfort than I did.

"What about Alice, was she with you?" she asked.

"No, I didn't see her anywhere. She wasn't at the movies." I hadn't even thought of that, and I wanted to kick myself for not making sure she was safe, I was just so focused on Edward.

"I'll call her," Carlisle said, getting up to grab a phone.

"I can't believe those people," Esme mumbled to me. "Why can't he just have one night? He just wanted to be normal for one night."

I nodded, agreeing.

"Was he okay at the movie?" she asked, hopeful.

"Yeah, it was alright. He was a little tense, you know, but he made it through at least. I think he would have been pleased with himself if he had time to think it through before…."

"Alice is fine, she's on her way home with Jasper. Be here in thirty minutes or so," Carlisle said as he sat back down. "Emmett, how did they know you'd be there? Did you recognize any of the reporters or was it just by chance someone saw him?"

"Yeah. Mike Newton saw him," I deadpanned.

"What?" Esme asked, shocked.

"He was there, he talked to me before the movie. He asked who he was and I told him Edward was a friend, but he knew. I didn't think he would do anything, at the most gossip around town. But apparently I overestimated him."

Everyone was quiet for a few minutes, taking it in, before Carlisle spoke again.

"I'll call Aro in the morning, to see if there's anything we should be doing. At least get him up to speed. In the meantime, Emmett, Edward should stay at the house." I nodded, for once not objecting to that. I didn't think Edward would want to go anywhere anyway.

"You should get some sleep, okay honey?" Esme told me. "We'll talk more in the morning, but you did a great job. I'm so glad you were with him when this happened." She hugged me tightly one last time before getting up and doing the same to Carlisle.

Once I reached the third floor, I looked over at Edward's door. It was shut, not that it was a surprise. I couldn't help but get an ominous feeling, like he would be spending a lot of time behind a closed door in the future.

I had really thought tonight would be good for him. Thought it would be progress, and that he would feel much better about himself afterwards. Turns out I couldn't have been more wrong.

What I heard when I got closer to his door both cemented my gloomy prediction and was testament to what a failure this night had been. Muffled through the wooden door, but still the loudest sound I heard that night, was the sound of Edward sobbing.

AN- Hope you liked Emmett, next chapter is back to Edward.


	14. Chapter 14

EPOV

Saturday, December 11th

My head hurt. I never cried much ever since I was a little kid, and the heavy sobs that had finally left my body left my head with an intense pressure.

I don't know what time it is, but it must be late by now. I was hungry, because I was too nervous to eat any dinner before I left with Emmett, but nowhere near hungry enough to leave my bed right now.

The events of the last few hours left me dazed and confused, but the things that I _was_ sure about were bad, and that's all that mattered.

As soon as I got to my room, I turned all the lights on, shut and locked the door, and promptly hid under my covers. I tried not to make a lot of noise but like everything else, I probably failed.

I just felt so helpless, completely out of control. I didn't know how to make anything better. Everything I tried ended up in disaster or embarrassment. I didn't even know what I was trying to do exactly anymore and now I didn't even care. I didn't want anything. I wanted nothing. I wished so hard that my mind could simply turn off and I could stop thinking, worrying, and wondering.

But I couldn't, and it didn't. For hours I hid under my covers and my thoughts cycled through all the shit that had happened to me. The disaster at the movies with the reporters and their cameras, then the horrible mess I was making of my life with the Cullens, then I had to think about my parents and why they weren't here, and of course the man who had caused it topped it all off. James spent more time on my mind tonight than he had in weeks.

For some reason, tonight was different. I couldn't turn it off, I couldn't distract myself. I just wanted something to think about that wasn't awful. It didn't need to be happy, or good, just _not_ bad. But I had nothing. Everything would wind and twist around in my brain until it ended up back on _him_.

It made me sick.

I was stuck. I couldn't get away from him, no matter what. Again.

Esme knocked several times, and Carlisle too maybe. But I didn't even think about answering it, and they, thankfully, gave up eventually. They had probably gone to bed. The thought of a quiet house empty of conscious people would have usually gave me some comfort, but tonight it just made me feel more alone.

I hated it. I was tired of being alone. But how would that ever change? Nobody could ever understand what my life was. They could never be in my mind. It was impossible. So I would be alone forever, it seemed.

Not for the first time in my life, I thought about getting out. What was the point in all this effort? It was all for nothing and it hurt so much anyway, so why did I have to try?

What would I do with my life anyway? If by some miracle, I made it through the coming months in one piece, what would I do as an adult? I was sixteen. Not that far from when I was supposed to be on my own, self-sufficient and confident. It was beyond scary to think about. I had skipped the second half of my childhood and now I had to get used to this new stage with no notice at all. I just got thrown in head first and it scared the shit out of me, but to be honest, it didn't matter.

I wasn't going to miraculously get better. It was always going to be like this in my head, so even if I looked the part of an adult rather than a child, it wasn't who I was. I was a sad, scared and pathetic kid that nobody needed or wanted.

I was ashamed that I was forced upon the Cullen's lives. They hadn't asked for me. I hadn't asked for them either, but somehow here we were.

Thinking about what their lives were without me, I was hit with a huge wave of fear. They didn't need me, and unless I started to satisfy them, act the way they wanted me to, surely they would stop putting up with me.

But maybe that was for the better. It would be a lot easier if they stopped caring, stopped trying so hard to be good for me.

That was easier for me to. I could stop trying so hard, and it wouldn't matter.

The idea sounded heavenly.

So that's what I would do, if only for this night. I stopped. I just laid in my bed, letting all the disturbing memories wash over me. I let it all come, and didn't try to keep it out.

Tears came yet again as I remembered my last day with my parents, the first days without them, and the time since. There were many firsts with James as well, and while some I thought about often, others hadn't crossed my mind in a long time.

Little things, like the first time he had stayed out all night and left me wondering if he had forgotten about me, the first Christmas with him, even the first time somebody rang his doorbell. Each had scared and saddened me more than I thought possible.

Eventually, my tears stopped and my eyes closed. I fell into sleep, hoping that for once in my life, my wishes would be met and I could never wake up.

Monday, December 13th

The rest of the weekend had passed in a thick haze. I rolled out of bed in early afternoon on Sunday, only because both my bladder and thirst were making themselves known. Luckily, Esme seemed to have decided to let me be, for the time being anyway, and besides from asking if I wanted to talk when she brought me lunch and dinner, I had been left alone all day.

I slept mostly, but I was also pretty good at passing time alone, so it wasn't a hard day.

This morning, however, Esme seemed to have found a new eagerness for getting me to communicate. Although I insisted I didn't want to go downstairs, that I was perfectly happy alone, she kept pestering me until I reluctantly rolled out of bed and into the shower. It took twice as long as it usually did. I was tired and unenthusiastic. Most of the time I spent simply standing under the lukewarm water. By the time I shook my head and focused enough to finish cleaning myself, my fingers were pruney.

Peeking my head out into my room to make sure Esme was gone, I slowly exited the bathroom. Then I saw the clothes laid out on my bed. She must have put them out for me, which was good because I was debating whether or not I should put fresh clothes on or my pajamas again. And I wasn't really in a decision making kind of mood.

After running a towel through my wet hair, I put the jeans and flannel shirt on and sat on the couch, exhausted already. I put my head in my hands, my elbows on my knees, sighing. Now what? I had only been awake for like thirty minutes and all I wanted was to crawl back into bed.

I could pretty much feel James creeping his way back into the front of my thoughts, but I was able to push him back and focus on how depressing other aspects of my life were, like the fact that I never wanted to face Emmett again after that disaster with the reporters and my freak out afterwards. I mean, he had to basically drag me to his car. I barely remember any of the car ride, except for throwing up at the side of the road and being pretty positive someone was following us. I can only image what I looked like on the way back to the house. No, I could never face him again without being completely ashamed of my life.

At least it did distract me, for a few minutes anyway.

I didn't hear Esme knock, but she was in here, because the couch cushion went down to my right side. A hand was on my back soon after, rubbing up and down. What used to cause me serious discomfort, I was now impartial about. It didn't offer any comfort, as I'm sure she wanted. I just didn't care.

"How about we go down and get some lunch?" It was a question, but she didn't mean for it to be. She stood up, gently prying my arms away from my face and pulled me up with her. Without a word, she guided me downstairs and sat me at the table where she had already set out food.

She didn't leave it up to me, like she usually did. I ate lunch while she read the paper and drank tea. My hands seemed to move of their own accord, because soon enough I looked down and my food was half gone. My mind was simply elsewhere, and I would give anything for it to be here, in this kitchen with Esme, instead of alone in another bedroom hours away. But this didn't seem to be up to me either.

A few hours later, I was somewhere else. Thankfully, this place usually kept me on my toes enough to be a decent diversion.

"Tell me about your weekend, Edward," she started. So innocently she said it, but surely she knew. One glance at her concerned, analyzing face and it was confirmed. I sighed and sunk down further in the leather chair. I crossed my arms and closed my eyes, trying hard to focus on something other than what she wanted me to.

"Let's just talk about before. How did the movie itself go?"

I shrugged, not interested in this.

"It was alright. I don't like all the people. Or the room. But I was okay, I think." I hadn't given that much thought to that part of the evening. I had been pretty nervous inside the theater too. I didn't really like any aspect of the going to the movies concept, so I'm not sure why I thought it was such a good idea. All the people made me paranoid, the big room made me feel anxious, and the darkness freaked me out, therefore making me feel like a little kid scared of the dark. I didn't even watch the movie, so pretty much it was a waste of time all around.

"Did you panic at all?"

"I dunno, a little I guess." I did remember squeezing my arms around my stomach when I thought I was going to be sick. Emmett had to calm me down too. Just like he did in the car.

"What did you do to calm down?"

"I guess I just tried to focus on other stuff," I mumbled.

"Okay, that's good. If you're able to take your mind off of what is bothering you that should help. Maybe you could have something in mind before you get in a situation where you may panic, so if you feel it coming on, you will already have something to shift your attention to." I nodded. She obviously didn't know that when my mind wondered, it always ended up in worse places than it started.

"How was Emmett?" she asked, curiously.

"He was good. I think I feel better around him. When I go places, I mean. He makes me feel safer." It was hard to admit, that I could use somebody like that, but the evidence was clear.

"That very well may be, but I don't think you've given anybody else much of a shot. You could feel safer with other people's company as well. Don't limit yourself when you haven't tried it yet."

"Yeah, well I'm obviously done going places, aren't I?" I shot back.

"And why is that, exactly?" she asked without missing a beat. I gave her a pointed look. She knew why. "If you're referring to your run in with the media, I have to disagree with you."

"But they saw me. They know where I am now. I don't want to go anywhere now. I don't want them to see me." I looked down at her chair leg, not so confident now. It was true though. Now there was no hope that I could ever go anyplace without looking over my shoulder.

"But you already knew there was a good chance that you would see them, Edward. Now they've seen you, thankfully away from your own home and town, and your novelty will soon wear off, just like anything else." Somehow I doubted that.

"You don't need to be afraid of seeing them. They cannot come onto this property, and none of them have any interest in hurting you," she added.

I scoffed a little, blurting out, "I'm already looking over my shoulder all the time, now it's worse."

As soon as it was out, I realized that I gave her too much information. I hadn't yet shared this with her, and I hadn't planned on it.

"What are you afraid of?" I didn't answer, biting my tongue. "Edward? Why do you have to look over your shoulder?" She didn't understand, but it wasn't her fault. I didn't even understand.

She sighed a little. "It's understandable for you to be nervous or paranoid in new situations. You're getting used to this environment, and there's a lot more to take in than you're used to."

While it was true, it wasn't the reason.

"I won't ever get used to going where I want. It feels weird, to be someplace new. Like I'm about to get in trouble or something or I'm not supposed to be there."

"Who do you think is going to be upset with you?" she asked, sounding truly concerned.

I shrugged. "Nobody, I guess." But it wasn't true. I knew who would be mad, and I wasn't all the way convinced that he wasn't here, watching me from a distance.

"Are you sure?" I nodded. "Because I would understand if you were worried about James." I couldn't even hide the flinch, and it was embarrassing.

"Let me ask you something. Have you always felt like this? Or just since coming to the Cullen's? Do you know?"

Thinking about it, the paranoid feeling was new, and that's why it was so bad I think.

"Just since coming here," I mumbled.

"And don't you think James has something to do with that?"

That didn't make any sense. I got away from him.

"You're making a lot more decisions now than you ever did with James, yes?" I nodded. Of course. I never made any decisions with him. I did what he told me to do. "It's natural to seek his approval, Edward. When you were with James, what would happen if you did something he didn't want you to do?"

"I never did anything like that," I said immediately, defending myself. I never disobeyed him, because I knew what would happen. He told me all the time he would hurt me, punish me, until I obeyed.

"Why?"

"Because. He would be mad." I shook my head, not wanting to elaborate.

"And you were protecting yourself, right?" Obviously. "So it makes sense that you're still looking for his say-so. Do you understand?"

I nodded, but it made me a little sick to think like that. To think that my brain might be still thinking about what he wanted…it was disgusting. Like he hadn't already stolen enough of my time.

Huffing, I decided I really wasn't in the mood for all of this today. I closed my eyes and hid my face on my hand propped up on the arm of the chair.

"It's okay," she said in a voice I thought she probably reserved for little kids. And me. "You were just taking care of yourself, Edward. You did everything right because you're here right now, safe with a new future ahead of you."

I laughed a little bit, still not looking at her. Did everything right? Somehow I was pretty sure I did almost nothing right. I was so fucked up at this point, I wasn't sure I could get any worse.

"What are you thinking about?" she asked, gently still.

It was the wrong thing to say. It seriously sparked some type of nerve in me, because suddenly I was furious with her.

Jerking my head back up to look at her, I snapped, "What the fuck do you _think_ I'm thinking about? What could I possibly be thinking about besides what a fucked up life I have? That's all I think about, every day." I wasn't tired anymore, but I wished I was. I didn't know what to do with all this energy I suddenly had inside me. I stood up, wanting to leave but knowing that was against the rules. Instead, I went around the back of my chair and walked over to the shelves of books Carlisle had.

I could feel her eyes on me, and I pulled out a random book from the rows in front of me and opened it, flipping through the pages without seeing anything. I just needed something to do with my hands, and something to occupy my mind. Was that so much to ask for?

Slamming it shut again, I shoved it back up on the shelf. I glanced around for something else, but saw nothing I could use. Instead, I went over to the small couch, which was a good distance from where the doctor still sat waiting patiently for me to get over my fit. I sat, bringing my head back to my hands, pulling at my hair with my fingers.

I wasn't done though, and continued my rant. "It never fucking ends. My parents, their bodies, James, his fucking face, everything. It all just keeps going around in my head, and I want it out." I felt like crying now, my energy suddenly fading again. I wanted to go crawl under my blankets again, where I felt safe and I could deal with these things.

She was quiet for a minute, letting me calm down before she started again. "It's good that you can tell me this, Edward. And as hard as it seems, it's progress. Often times we block things like that from our minds until we feel safe. Safe enough to be able to deal with them. I know it's not that simple, and dealing with these things will take time. But we can work on them, okay?"

She was probably waiting for a response, but she wasn't getting one.

"In the meantime, I really think you need some…distractions. We are not going to ignore these thoughts, they're very important after all, but you don't need to dwell on them all the time. It's important you have something to take your mind off of it, so you can relax. Does that sound like a good idea to you?"

I didn't want to look up at her because I didn't want her to see how badly I wanted what she just offered. I didn't know how to do it by myself, and I hoped she honestly could help me.

"I have several ideas, unless you have something specific you would like to try. Any ideas?" she asked, hopefully. When I didn't answer, she continued, like I knew she would.

"I think it's about time to get you back into school." My head snapped up immediately, and I'm sure I looked at her like she had suddenly grown an extra head, but come on. That was not happening. She held up her hands in defense. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to startle you. I didn't mean attending high school, unless that's something you'd really like to think about…"

I shook my head frantically. No. Just…no.

"I think we can get you started with some homeschooling, if you think you're ready. You can do some placement tests, and we could find a tutor for you, unless Esme would be willing to do it with you. Either way, you could learn from right here in your home. It would be a healthy outlet for you, something you could focus on that would be productive for your future as well…what do you think?"

What _did_ I think? I thought I could maybe, probably, do something like that. Again, it wasn't something I could work out on my own, I already had done enough school work on my own, but it sounded like they could set it all up and I would just have to learn it. I was good at that, and I enjoyed it. I had taken school for granted until I didn't have it, and then I spent a lot of time wishing I had something to learn about. When I did get it back, at least sort of, it was a fantastic escape for me. I hadn't realized I would want that escape again.

At the same time, it scared me a little. I had become very much used to learning in my own way, slowly, and I wasn't sure I could do it if they wanted me to do it a different way. Plus, I was already worried that it would give me flashbacks of James. After all, he brought the stuff to me, and I always did my work with him in the background, whether it was waiting for him to return home or listening for him to come up the stairs.

But I wanted to try it. I wanted to learn as much as I could, and I knew my parents would want me to as well.

"I can do that." I didn't sound so confident, so I nodded to emphasize my point.

"Great. I was also thinking that you could take some piano lessons."

I didn't know about that one. I know I had told them I was going to try it on my own, and I hadn't really, but I still wasn't sure I was ready for stranger to be that close to me, or be that focused on what I was doing for any amount of time. If I was paranoid now, I could only imagine how bad I would be wondering what they were thinking about me.

"I don't think so," I told her quietly, shaking my head.

"What has you worried?"

"I don't know what I'm doing. They'll think I'm stupid," I mumbled, shaking my head again.

"A beginner's piano teacher has heard plenty of inexperienced players Edward, that's the point. They're going to help you learn. They know you don't have any technique- yet."

"I don't know…I'll be too nervous to learn anything. I'll just waste their time."

"There are plenty of teachers, surely we can find somebody you are comfortable with."

Maybe she had a point. I was just making up excuses anyway.

"I think you could really enjoy this Edward. Maybe you have a great artistic side you haven't discovered yet. Do you think you could give it a shot, just to see if you like it?" I still hesitated. "If you don't like it after a few weeks, you don't have to continue."

That made me think. After all, what was a few weeks? I wasn't doing anything anyway. If I hated it, I could always refuse to keep doing it, and I'm sure if I was really uncomfortable Esme wouldn't let me do it anyway. I had found it interesting before.

That's when I realized I hadn't thought about James in several minutes, better than I could say about the last few days. Just the topic has already distracted me, and that's really what I wanted right now anyway.

"Okay. I'll try it, I think."

I looked at her for the first time since switching seats, and she smiled at me.

"That's great, Edward. Really. I'm proud of you for wanting to try something new. I think it'll be good." She nodded, still smiling at me. I looked away, uncomfortable.

Suddenly, she seemed to snap out of it, and said, "Okay! I think that's enough for one day. You were great today, Edward." She started packing up her things. The paper pad and pen she had to write stuff about me on and a small watch she never wore but sat on the arm rest of her chair all went into her bag, and she stood up. This was only unusual because normally I ran out of here way before she had time to get her things together.

She stood up and asked, "Will you walk me downstairs?" I scrunched my eyebrows in confusion, which was probably rude, but she had tricked me. She had ended suddenly like that so that I was still in here and she could make sure I didn't go back to my room immediately.

So I had to go downstairs with her, and when we got there, naturally, we weren't alone.

Carlisle hopped up from the couch after muting the TV show he was watching.

"Dr. Garrison, nice to see you," he greeted, coming forward to shake her hand.

"You as well Carlisle," she said politely.

"Are you two finished for the day?" Carlisle asked, glancing at this watch.

"We are. Edward?"

I had been standing closer to the stairs, wondering what I was doing down here and when I could leave, but she was looking expectantly at me now. I raised my eyebrows in question, waiting for her to continue.

"Do you want to tell Carlisle what you decided? I'm sure he'll want to help you find the appropriate people."

I'm sure I looked ridiculous, standing there with my eyes wide and my mouth slightly ajar, surprised that she was making me do this so suddenly. In fact, I usually didn't have to do anything like this. I hadn't had to ask to do something yet, _they_ always asked _me_.

"Um…" I swallowed thickly. I looked back and forth between the two of them a few times. They both looked like they were waiting, somewhat patiently, for me to speak, but I wasn't prepared at all for this, and I didn't know how to begin. Dr. Garrison gave me a little smile, nodding encouragingly but remaining silent. She wanted me to do it.

"Uh, well, I was thinking that maybe I could start doing some home schooling stuff," I mumbled, looking anywhere but at Carlisle. His shoes were a pretty good place for my eyes in fact. "l mean if you think that's okay," I finished rapidly.

Glancing back up at Dr. Garrison I saw her nodding approvingly. She looked pleased. Her attention shifted from me to Carlisle, seemingly waiting for his response now.

"Of course that's okay. I think that's a wonderful idea Edward." I could hear the smile in his voice and it encouraged me to look up at his face again. He was looking at me the same way Dr. Garrison was, and it made me very uncomfortable. Looking at my own feet this time, I shifted my weight back and forth nervously.

"You do?" I asked hesitantly. "Because she said that I might need a tutor, or Esme might have to help me and I don't want to bother anyone or…" I trailed off shaking my head. I didn't want to inconvenience them. As much as they said they wanted to help me, I didn't feel right having them spend money on me or using up more of their time. I should be helping them, not the other way around.

"Edward you would never be a bother, your education is very important and we'll help in any way we can. I'm sure Esme would love to assist with your school work. In fact I bet she'll be thrilled."

Dr. Garrison cut in for the first time now, saying, "We should talk about whether Edward would be more comfortable with Esme helping him or a hired tutor, someone to only help him with school work. I think it might be easier if-"

"I don't want another stranger to do it," I blurted out before I realized what I was saying. "I mean, if she doesn't want to, then never mind. I can just do it by myself."

"No, don't be silly, of course you don't have to do it on your own. Esme would love to help you if that's what you want," he assured me again.

"Great," Dr. Garrison seemed genuinely pleased by our short conversation, and started digging through her bag, pulling out a small card which she handed to Carlisle.

"You'll need to contact the Washington Homeschooling Organization, who can help you get started much better than I can. Here's the number of Miranda Ortel, I've worked with her before and she can help get you going, but if you or Esme give me a call later, we can talk about the basics, as much as I can help you with." She smiled reassuringly at him, and he nodded, like he understood what she just said. It all seemed very overwhelming to me. It was clearly a lot more complicated than going out and finding some books for me to go through on my own.

"Excellent. We've been starting to look into it already, but this should be helpful."

They had? They didn't even ask me about it, and I hadn't brought it up at all, of course. Did they know I would want to do this? I wasn't even sure myself, and to be honest, the talk of organizations and phone numbers was already overwhelming me.

"Did you want to tell him what else you're thinking about doing?" Dr. Garrison asked me, yet again.

I shrugged this time, not nearly as confident with this one. School was one thing, but this was extra, something to do out of interest only, and not a necessity. I shook my head. I didn't want to ask for this too. Hopefully she wouldn't make me.

"May I tell him for you?" she asked gently, finally giving me a break.

I shrug-nodded.

"Edward, as you know, has expressed an interest in learning how to play the piano. I suggested that he take some beginners lessons, to which he agreed."

"Really?" he said, surprised.

"Yes, and I must add, he agreed conditionally, more on a trial basis than anything. He's just going to see if it's something worth pursuing, if not then he can stop. Right Edward?"

I felt paler than usual, which was saying something, but nodded.

"Well, I believe you will just make Esme's day with all of this good news."

That should make me happy, but instead I just thought about having to ask for everything all over again in front of her, and I felt nauseous.

"Alright Edward, I'll see you in a few days, alright?" the doctor asked, finally appearing to be leaving. "You did a great job today," she added. "I'll see you soon Dr. Cullen," she said on her way out the door.

As soon as it was closed, the silence was….loud. Carlisle and I were just standing there, not speaking, not moving, and I was wondering what the hell I was supposed to do now. She had basically escorted me down here, so clearly I wasn't supposed to disappear again, but what else was I supposed to do? It was Carlisle's house, it felt wrong to just go plop down on the couch with him staring at me like this.

"Esme and Emmett went out to do some errands. Haircuts, I think."

I nodded, having nothing to say to that.

"She said she would bring back dinner. Would you like to watch some TV before they get home?" he asked, sounding hesitant even to my standards.

I shrugged, adding a, "that's fine," but waiting for him to make the first move. Finally, he did, going to his spot from before and sitting down on the far end of the couch. He gave me a moment before looking back at me, expectantly. Slowly, and cautiously, I sat down on the other end, leaving a good two feet between us. Not that I thought he would do anything to me, but it was best to be on the safe side.

He unmuted whatever he was watching from before and put the remote down next to him. I was happy for once I wasn't asked to find a channel I wanted to watch. I didn't know anything about TV and hated the pressure of trying to find something I thought they would like. Esme always wanted me to pick for myself. Maybe Carlisle had thought about how I hardly ever watched TV, so I wouldn't know what to change it to. Or maybe I was just thinking way too much into this.

He didn't try to make conversation with me, which I was also very grateful for. The house was quiet. I wondered where Alice was. She seemed to be gone a lot lately. Maybe she really did get together with that Jasper guy, even though she wasn't at the movie.

When the show ended, Carlisle flipped it to the Seattle news station.

I had to bite my cheek to keep myself in the present this time. The little tune that was played as the news anchors came on was so familiar to me. Except I usually only heard the voices, rarely had I seen the young blonde woman and middle aged man. But I stared at their faces, because I knew if I looked away or closed my eyes, I would be right back in my old room. Nearly every night I listened to their voices through the thin walls of James' house.

I knew if James had his way, he'd be watching this show right now. Maybe he was. I didn't know what the rules in a prison were, and I didn't want to either. But the thought of him watching the same scene and hearing the same words that I was sent a shiver down my spine.

Thankfully, I didn't have to watch much of it, because the garage door opened at that moment, and I basically jumped off the couch, startled and relieved to have an excuse to do something else.

"Edward! Nice to see you downstairs," Esme said with a big smile. She was holding a large paper sack and Emmett was close behind her. As Carlisle had told me, his hair was indeed shorter. He was carrying two more big sacks, and the two of them made their way to the kitchen. I followed, mostly because I didn't want to hear the news anymore. Esme had talked to me, I would gladly continue the conversation if I could get out of the room.

Once in the kitchen, Esme started pulling small containers out of the bags, and then plates and glasses out of the cupboard.

"Here Emmett, will you gets everyone drink? And Edward can you set the table?" she asked me, holding out the stack of plates. I took them and brought them to the table, noting that there were only four. Alice must not be here after all.

"How's your day been?" she me when I was done. She was bustling around putting the containers of chicken and rice out on the table, so I got out of her way by sitting on the edge of a bar stool.

"It was alright," I told her.

"Yeah? Well good. You seemed pretty tired earlier, or else I would have asked if you wanted to come with us. You could probably use a haircut, it's getting pretty long, you know."

I self-consciously ran my fingers through my messy hair. It was true, this was the longest my hair had been in a long time. James usually kept it pretty short. He just used the razor on it though, I didn't even remember the last time I had a real haircut.

Esme smiled at me, putting her work down and coming over to where I was sitting. Hesitantly, she ran her fingers over the ends of my hair, as if examining it.

"I could probably cut it for you, if you want. Or did you want to leave it long?" she asked gently.

A shiver ran through me at her gentle touch and she removed her hand and back away.

Smiling sheepishly, I answered her while looking at the pattern on the counter top. "I don't know, maybe I'll just leave it long for a while?" I had never had it this long, and it was nice to have something a little different, and something that I could control for the first time.

"Sure, I like it like this anyway." She smiled approvingly at me, and went back to her work. "You can see more of the red," she added.

Glancing at Emmett, he was fiddling on his phone, not looking at me. He was abnormally quiet tonight and I had to wonder if it was because it was awkward now, after the other night. After all the stuff Dr. Garrison had preached to me today, I felt the desire to defend myself. It was all knew to me, after all, and he should have expected me to be nervous. He _asked_ me to go with him after all. He shouldn't be awkward about it now.

"Yeah, my mom had red hair."

It was so unlike me, to bring up something uncomfortable like that, but it just came out. It seemed like a good way to remind him subtly that I was the fuck up, and if he volunteered to hang out with me, he shouldn't be weird about it later.

I watched him as I said it. The moment it came out, his eyes immediately left his phone and went right to mine.

So he was listening to me.

He scrunched his eyebrows a little in confusion. Like he didn't know what was wrong. I rolled my eyes and looked back at the counter.

Esme was back by my side, and she rubbed my back a little and said, "Then you should definitely keep it long."

Thankfully, Carlisle chose that moment to enter the room, breaking up the sudden tension with his, "I'm famished. Is it time for dinner yet dear?"

Once everybody was seated around the table eating what I was told was food from the local Chinese restaurant, the topic of my homeschooling was brought up again.

"Edward decided today that he wants to begin doing some school work again," he said casually.

Esme dropped her fork immediately and gasped excitedly. "Really Edward?" After a nod she continued, "Oh that is wonderful. I hope you'll let me teach you?" she asked longingly.

Carlisle let out a deep laugh. "What did I tell you Edward? You didn't even have to ask."

While I was glad she seemed to truthfully want to help me and I didn't have to wonder if she was just helping because I asked her, I didn't think it was cause for as much celebration as they seemed to think. I was still going to be inconveniencing her way more often now. She shouldn't have to work with me so much.

"Oh of course I'll help you. I'm so excited I can't even tell you! I think you'll enjoy it so much and it'll be great for you to have something to keep your attention during the day, don't you think?"

I didn't have to answer because Carlisle continued, "That's not all, he agreed to try out a few piano lessons as well."

My face reddened under their praise, and I wished the conversation would be directed elsewhere like usual. I kept my eyes on my plate.

"Wow, I might get my wish after all," Esme said jokingly. "That's all great Edward, we'll get everything set up for you this week sometime, is that alright?"

I nodded, still not looking up. It was quiet for a moment, only the clinking of forks against the plates making noise. I thought the worst was over.

The next thing I knew, there was a warm hand on my forearm. I froze, only moving my eyes to look at it and see that Carlisle's hand, complete with wedding ring and watch, was lightly gripping me. I wanted it off.

He obviously detected no problem though, for he spoke next in a gentle and praising tone.

"We're very proud of you son. You've been doing a great job with all of this, you know."

Another little pat on the wrist and his hand was gone. The spot where it was felt hot, not cool as it should have after his warm skin left mine. I hated him touching me. It didn't matter that he wasn't James. I hated it and I always would.

But that wasn't what had my heart going at double speed. The moment the word 'son' had left his lips, it felt like some invisible hand had gripped my insides, twisting my stomach and holding on tight.

I was frozen in place, my fork poised at an awkward angle. I was trying hard to remember my place. I was at their dinner table, eating their food. I should be polite. I should ignore it, pretend that it didn't bother me.

But a few seconds was all it took for the bile to start rising in my throat.

In one swift motion, I dropped my fork, slid my chair back and rose to my feet.

I heard Esme calling my name, trying to stop me, but I was already gone. I ran up the stair two at a time, doing my best to keep the dinner I just had down.

As soon as I reached my room, the effort wasn't worth it and my first ever Chinese food reappeared. I just barely had time to make it to the toilet, a small blessing amongst the horror of this day.

Nearly an hour later, and after much contemplation about how many things could possibly remind me of _him_ in one day, I was on my bed with my picture, pretty much just waiting for Esme to come and see if I was okay.

As predicted, I got a knock on my door. I debated about not answering at all, but figured she would barge in here anyway like she always did, so I gave her a mumbled "yeah?"

Only when the door creaked open, it wasn't Esme.

It was Emmett.

My eyes widened without my consent, like they had a whole mind of their own, and I quickly but carefully shoved all my pictures back together in a little stack and held them close, hiding them from view.

"Sorry, I should have said who it was I guess…is it okay if I come in though?" he asked from the door.

Looking around frantically, I decided there wasn't a way around this without sounding rude, so I nodded.

He let out a big breath he had been holding and his shoulders relaxed several inches it seemed. Why was he so nervous?

Leaving the door open, he came in and flopped down on the couch, looking way more comfortable than I probably ever had. His relaxed stance actually did a lot to make me calm down. There wasn't anything to worry about, at least from his perspective. That was a start.

"It's been a long fucking day, man," he said with a heavy sigh.

I then remembered the way he was acting in the kitchen, and noted that this was actually the first time I had heard him speak today. I had assumed it was because of me, but maybe not.

"Why?" I dared to ask. I was still a little defensive, because if he was being awkward around me like earlier, he had a lot of nerve to spend more time with me. It was like volunteering to do something and then complaining about it.

He looked over at me, intrigued. Had he picked up on my defensiveness?

"What? Are you mad at me for something?" He sounded confused.

"No." I said it too quickly. It sounded desperate.

"Oh. You're just…being weird tonight or something I guess. I don't know, maybe it's me."

"You're the one being weird. I thought you were…. I don't know, bothered or something because of the other night."

"What?" He sounded shocked. "No, really, it's not that at all. I seriously already forgot about all that, don't even worry about it." He sounded panicky now, and that was weird for him too.

And I kind of had to doubt that he had already forgotten about Saturday. I mean, I was pretty much hyperventilating and I threw up in front of him, not to mention snapping at him about calling Esme. If he had forgotten, I must not even register on his list of people that interest him, which didn't seem right either. I mean, he was always talking to me and stuff, so it seemed like he at least wanted to try to communicate with me.

"I mean, I've just had other things on my mind is all." He looked nervous now. He was very confusing today. Usually he was much easier to read. I wanted him to continue, and he didn't hold out on me "I…uh, I broke up with my girlfriend. Yesterday. School was kind of rough."

"Oh." I wasn't surprised, he had told me he was going to, but I didn't quite understand it. He was obviously upset about it. Why did he do it?

"Yeah."

We were quiet.

"I haven't told Mom or Dad yet, so if you could…you know, keep that quiet? That'd be cool."

I nodded, finding it unlikely I would ever confide something like that with them anyway.

"Thanks. I don't think they'll really get it."

"I don't get it either."

He sighed. It was easy to be honest with Emmett. Everyone else thought it was a big deal when I said something more than what was required, but Emmett was different. He didn't make it complicated. It was simple to talk with him, and that's what I needed.

This conversation however, was not simple.

"Yeah I guess I don't really either. Yeah I do. I don't know. I just…had to. It's hard to explain."

"Did you…I mean is there someone else? Like another girl you want to…" I didn't finish.

"No. I don't think I'm going to be dating anyone for a while."

"Oh."

He smirked at my simple answer. I was confused as ever.

"So anyway, about earlier, don't let Carlisle bother you. He means well, you know? He's a great guy. Really."

"Did they send you up here to say that?" It made sense. Try something different tonight, instead of Esme. Maybe he would get through better. But it didn't matter what anyone said. I didn't _mean_ to freak out, it just happened.

"You really think that?" he asked sadly.

I shrugged, unsure.

"They didn't. Actually they told me to leave you alone. I'm just saying, you don't need to be scared of him. He wouldn't hurt a fly."

"I know. It's not that."

"Then what is it?"

I shook my head. "Nothing. I didn't mean to."

"Was it the son thing? Because he calls everyone that. He calls the bag boy at the grocery 'son.' It's weird, but harmless. Really."

It wasn't the meaning behind the word. I knew he wasn't trying to be my Dad or anything, it was simply because James happened to use the same word. Bad luck, really.

"Was it because he touched you? Esme hugs you and stuff…he probably thought it was okay."

I didn't want to go down that road- at all- so I gave him what he wanted.

"No. It was just…um," I swallowed hard, clearing my throat, "someone used to call me that. I don't like the word is all." I couldn't say James out load. I just got used to referring to him by name in my head, and I didn't like that. I'm sure Emmett would be able to guess who 'someone' was. I only knew so many.

"Dude, that's no big deal. He'd understand that. Not a problem," he told me, sounding genuinely relieved.

"Yeah, I guess."

He let out a small laugh, like he thought the whole situation was a funny misunderstanding.

"Alright, well I should hit the sack. Tomorrow's the last day before break. Off for three whole weeks. Should be great." He told me, standing up and stretching a little, heading for the door. "Hey, it's supposed to snow sometime Thursday or Friday maybe. You've got to go out with me, we can sled or maybe I can show you the trails. You know, snow stuff. Should be fun."

My few memories of playing in the snow were good ones, so maybe it would be fun.

"Anyway, see you tomorrow Edward." He shut the door, leaving me in the silence once again.

It had been an awful day. But a good day too. Somehow I had gone from wallowing in James inspired misery, thinking he would never leave my head for even a second, to spending the last ten minutes with someone, a guy no less, in my room. I hadn't thought about James once.

That night, I dreamt about Emmett for the first time.


	15. Chapter 15

EPOV

Thursday, December 16th

My window in James' house had boards over it. It was like that when I got there. But they weren't quite big enough to cover the whole thing, so James nailed them in at an angle, creating a triangle between the top two that I could see out of. I had to be standing, but I was grateful for it.

The first time it snowed while I was there, I cried all day. It scared me for some reason, I guess because it was a sign that time was passing out there and I was still stuck.

I remembered having snow days when I was in school. Mom would bundle me up real tight and send me outside to play with the neighborhood kids. We made snow men and snow angels, and then destroyed them when we had snow ball fights. Mom was always waiting for me to come back so she could peal my wet clothes off in the garage and then give me hot chocolate.

It was days like that which ran through my mind as I watched the snow fall on the quiet street.

One small blessing was that there weren't any young kids on his street, so I didn't have to watch as they all ran around and had fun without me.

Now, as I watched the snow start to fall from my new room in Forks, I wondered if the kids on my old street had missed me at all that first winter. I didn't have many close friends there, I wasn't ever very social, but I thought about a few of them often when I was with James, at least for a little while. Surely they had moved on by now and probably didn't even remember that little kid that used to live on their street. They probably just thought I moved or something anyway.

It was still early in the morning, but I had watched the weather report last night and saw what time the snow was predicted to start, so I made sure I was up at five to see it out my window.

The woods were beautiful with the inch or so that had accumulated on them so far. My stomach was a little queasy when the realization came that I could go out there and play in the snow. Yes, it probably wouldn't be the same as it was when I was a kid, carefree and innocent, but anything was better than nothing.

Four hours later, Emmett woke up. I knew this because of the loud bang and excited yelling that came from his room, and then the hallway, and then from somewhere downstairs.

Maybe it would be just like it was when I was a kid if Emmett's involved.

Soon after, both of us were in the living room, a huge pile of snow stuff on the floor in front of us. Big puffy suits, boots, hats, gloves and scarves were all included, and I took my cue from Emmett on what to put on first. Alice was cuddled up on the couch with a big cup of coffee and Esme was fussing around us, making sure I had everything I needed.

"Come on Alice, don't be a killjoy, come out and play in the snow with us," Emmett pleaded.

"I'll go out when everyone else gets here."

"Who else is coming over? They should be mindful of the roads…" Esme scolded.

"Jasper, Jake and Bella." She ignored the warning.

"No Rosalie, Emmett?" Esme seemed surprised, and I remembered that Emmett told me to keep his breakup quiet.

"Nope, she didn't want to come." Emmett sounded casual. I was impressed with his ability to lie. At least I highly doubted he actually asked her.

"Really? She wouldn't answer her phone when I called," Alice said. "I figured she was just still asleep."

Emmett hesitated a little at that.

"Well, obviously, if she didn't answer the phone she doesn't want to come, does she?"

When I glanced at Alice to see if she bought the lie, her eyebrows were raised and she opened her mouth to question him again, but Emmett said, "Why so many questions? You ready to go Edward?"

Emmett looked like a really tall marshmallow, and I bet I looked similar. I felt bulky and clumsy, but Esme insisted that we wear the snow suits.

"I think so."

"Did you tuck everything in?" Huh?

"Um…"

"Nope, I see sleeves," he scolded. "Give me your arm." I hesitantly held my puffy arm out to him, and he grabbed it, pulling me closer. He began to tuck in the ends of my sleeves that were sticking out from the plastic suit so that they were underneath my gloves. "You've got to tuck everything in, or else snow is going to get inside and melt, then you'll be all wet and cold," he explained. "Pants too. But into your socks, obviously," he told me when he was done with the sleeves.

I began to take my gloves of so I could follow his instruction, but Esme bent down to do it for me. Her fingers felt cold on my overheated skin as she carefully tucked all the loose ends in.

"Thanks."

When she stood up, she pulled down my hat all the way over my ears and closed my zipper of my coat all the way up to my chin. "You're welcome." She smiled. "Have fun you two, okay? Don't get too far into the woods, and check in every once and a while okay?"

"Sure thing Mom."

The first steps out into the freshly fallen snow were a bit surreal.

The white powder crunched under my boots, squishing down so far that I had to raise my foot up out of the hole it made every time I took a step. It was a little like marching, but it was fun.

During the last four or five hours, it had snowed continuously, resulting in snow up well past my boots.

The air was chilly and my eyes stung a little from the wind, but I was smiling. This was exciting.

While waiting on the others to get here, Emmett and I went around the back of the house and into the edge of the woods, playing around kicking up the snow and making snowballs the entire time. The woods were much less creepy without the cover from of leaves. I even ventured down the bank to the creek, which had yet to freeze over and still trickling along.

"This one year when we were little, the water was really high and it froze completely over. Of course we all went straight for the ice. Thought we could be ice skaters or some shit. Well, everyone else was fine but I was the heaviest I guess and I fell right through."

My eyes widened, horrified at the thought of being trapped underneath freezing water.

He saw my expression and chuckled, waving it off. "Nah, it wasn't that bad. I mean the water was high but it's just a little stream, you know? I only went through about up to my waist. Cold as fuck though. By the time I got back to the house my pants were pretty much frozen."

I wasn't sure why he was telling me this, but it quickly and effectively gave me a different side of winter to consider. The dangerous side, and one that freaked me out a little.

I shivered at the thought of Emmett falling into the freezing water he was currently jumping around.

"Maybe we should go back to the yard, the others might be here…" I suggested, trying to sound lighthearted.

Emmett stopped his game and looked up, worry in his eyes.

"Oh, yeah that's fine."

I nodded, glad he agreed so readily, even if it was because he thought I was scared of the woods.

I was scared for him this time, not myself, which was a new feeling.

The others weren't her yet, but Emmett convinced me that we could use this time to start building our defenses for the snowball fight. He got shovels from the garage and we built several waist high walls that he assured me would be just what we needed to hide from attacks.

A truck eventually pulled up and three people hopped out. Once we were all assembled, we had Jake, Jasper, Bella, Alice, Emmett and myself. It was a lot of people, but one stood out as missing, even if I had only hung out with them as a group one time. Rosalie's absence didn't go unnoticed by the others either.

"Are you guys fighting or something?" Jake asked him as soon as all the greetings were over with.

"Yeah, you know she's been pretty quiet all break, I haven't talked to her since school got out," Bella added, sounding suspicious.

"No, we're not fighting, just drop it okay? She didn't want to come, why the interrogation?" Emmett sounded way more irritated than I had ever heard. The others let it go, but I didn't miss the raised eyebrows and curious glances.

Emmett quickly divided us up into teams, Jake, Jasper and Bella on one side and Emmett, myself and Alice on the other.

Soon we were scattered around the yard, everyone throwing chucks of snow at each other, diving behind trees trunks and the edge of the porch. I stuck by Emmett, following his lead, I got some throws in, trying not to be paranoid that Jake might hold a grudge against me when I got him particularly hard on the back of the head. He laughed it off though, clearly just enjoying the game.

Soon enough, it was obvious that nobody was really on sides anymore and the only two that were competitive were Jasper and Emmett.

Before it could get any uglier than it already was- Emmett got a little too excited when he nailed Jasper in the face- Alice suggested that we move our games to the hill to go sledding.

The hill turned out to be right on the other side of the main street their driveway was located on, and while I got a little antsy being so far away from the house, I was okay knowing that I could run back there if anything happened.

The six of us spent an hour or so going up and down on that hill, and by the end of it, I actually sorta felt like I belonged there.

Everyone was getting tired, but they all wanted to do one last race before heading back in. I tried to opt out, considering there were only four sleds and we had been taking turns, but they all insisted that we double up.

"Come on Edward, won't you go on the back of mine?" Alice pleaded with me. I didn't want to cause a scene, so I agreed, noting that the sled was indeed big enough for both of us.

She aligned the sled at the crest of the hill while everyone else prepared to take off. Sticking the heel of her boot in the snow to keep in from falling too soon, she plopped down in the front, looking back at me and waiting patiently, gave me an encouraging smile. I slid in behind her, tucking my feet underneath me.

Giggling, she reached behind her back and grabbed my hands, wrapping them around her snow suit padded waist. "You have to hold on. If you fall off we'll lose," she told me with a smile in her voice. She grabbed the string on the front and from two sleds over, Emmett counted us down.

"Three! Two! One!" and everybody kicked off, diving down the hill in the rush I hadn't experienced for years but after the afternoon reliving childhood games, was now used to again. I understood why Alice made me hold on, for as soon as we were moving I wobbled, and had I not been, I would have fallen off.

The added weight of two people gave us speed I hadn't felt in my previous runs down the hill, and we soon took off ahead of the others. The cold air was sharp against my cheeks but I felt a big smile on my face hearing Alice's giggles and squealing.

We were reaching the bottom, where the incline flattened out dramatically, but we weren't slowing down like we should have been. Alice let out a little scream as our sled veered to the side and came to an abrupt halt at the base of the woods, where the bushes and some small logs stopped our progress. I just fell backwards off the sled and stopped, but Alice flew off the side and rolled through the snow, finally landing in a very unnatural position.

Panic ripped through me. The back of her thick pink coat was all I could see, but the heavy jerking up and down of her chest was obvious. Like she was either breathing really heavily or crying.

"A-Alice?" I fumbled through the snow, noting that the sounds of other sleds had finally stopped as well.

Just I was getting to her and fearing the worst, she rolled over, the arm that had been trapped under her flying out and brushing her red face clear of snow.

She did have tears in her eyes, but they weren't because she was hurt. She was _laughing_. Like really hard.

"Alice?" I asked again, my voice still sounded frantic, and finally she looked up at me, still from her position on the ground. She didn't say anything though, in fact all it seemed she could do was laugh away at my panic. "You're okay?" I had to check, feeling very responsible for her knowing that her brother and boyfriend were close by.

"Oh god, Edward! That was too funny! I rolled like ten feet!" She finally sat up, patting my gloved hand that was stretched out to her. "I'm fine Edward, don't worry!"

"You're okay?" I asked, a little shaky. She just looked so broken, rolling through the snow like that.

"I'm great, that was so much fun!"

Now I could hear the other's laughter, and I smiled a little bit as the panic subsided. Alice hopped up, running over to where the others landed a ways away.

"Did you guys see that?"

Everybody hiked back up to the house after that. Relieved, I sat on the garage step and yanked my snow boots off. Snow was everywhere, and I was grateful for Emmett's advice about tucking my sleeves in.

Esme was there to collect the really wet clothes, which she threw into the dryer for us. Once we were all deemed dry enough to enter her clean house, everyone but me went to the living room, plopping down on couches, exhausted.

I headed to the kitchen, needing a little break.

I was sitting quietly on a bar stool when Esme joined me in the room. She headed for the stove and put milk and what looked to be chocolate in a pan. While she waited for it to heat, she didn't try to make conversation with me or ask why I wasn't in with the others, she just smiled at me and went about her task. She knew I was way past my social limit for the day, and it wasn't even noon.

I did have fun though. It was nice, forgetting about my life for a bit and just focusing on the activities at hand. The snowy elements were a great distraction, the cold taking up most of my attention, the physical exertion of hiking up and down the snowy hill over and over taking any excess energy.

I could image what it was like to grow up with Emmett and his friends. They were all very carefree and relaxed together. Luckily they didn't seem to have troubles pretending that I was a natural part of that. They all interacted with a grace that obviously came with experience, but each in their own way did their best to accept me. Even Bella, who I was sure knew about my past, didn't act funny around me, at least as far as I could tell.

I hadn't let myself accept the fact that they had all probably seen my picture in the news while we were out in the snow. But here, here in this nice safe kitchen, I let it sink in. The chance of one of them missing the gossip that was surely circulating around their social circle was very slim. It said a lot about them that nobody brought it up, and nobody made me feel any different than they had on that first day I met them.

I reminded myself that Emmett and Alice weren't the Cullen's natural kids. They were adopted, and had come from different pasts, but their friends had accepted them too. Perhaps Emmett and Alice had already done the hard work for me, weeding out the people who would judge me solely on my past. If they had blindly accepted them, why wouldn't they do the same for me?

Esme put a steaming cup of what must be hot chocolate down in front of me on the counter.

"Be careful sweetie, it's hot." She took a tray of the mugs out to the living room.

I followed her, ready to give these teenagers another shot today.

That night, I dreamt about drowning. At first it was me drowning. I was screaming, underwater, trying to tell whoever was up there that I needed help. Why couldn't they see that?

But right when I was about to give up, _I_ was above water, looking down on someone else. It was Emmett, _he_ was drowning. He was sealed under ice, freezing in the stream outside his house, his arms flailing around, trying to break open the ice sheet, until he became too cold and stopped moving.

When I woke up, sweaty and twisted around my sheets, I spent a good amount of time talking sense into myself. Emmett was fine, he was across the hall in his bed, not drowning out back.

But these dreams had to mean something. I mean, never had I before dreamed about something other than my parents, myself, or James. Well, I suppose I had, a long time ago, but not for a long time. So to see Emmett appearing in my subconscious, well it freaked me out a little.

The first night I dreamed about him, it was just Emmett talking to me. He was sitting on my couch, much like he had earlier that night. I was in my bed, relaxed and comfortable. I couldn't even remember what we had talked about when I woke up, but I do remember that it was nice. I was telling him things, like _real_, significant things, and it felt good to let someone else share some of what was in my head.

The next night was much of the same, except we were in his car. It was dark outside, and he was driving. Just driving, with nowhere to go, because I wasn't anxious. I would have been anxious if we had a destination. That night, I did remember what we talked about. I told him about my mom, in exchange for him telling me about how he came to the Cullens. Again, nothing life altering, but I was content, peaceful almost, knowing that he wasn't forcing me to tell him, but he listened all the same.

Last night, it had been a bit different. I didn't remember much of it, but he was mad at me. He wanted me to do something, go somewhere or something, but I didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay right where we were, and keep talking. But he was annoyed with me, and then I didn't want to talk anymore. When I woke up from that one, I was sad and disappointed, but then I realized it was only a dream anyway. I shouldn't become better friends with a fake Emmett than I am with the real one.

But this drowning one, it made me think. I was clearly scared by his story. I was scared of drowning, yes, but really what freaked me out the most was the thought of Emmett being hurt, or even gone. Not that we were that good of friends, but I knew it would hurt, bad, if anything ever happened to him. I cared about him already, and that freaked me out. Nothing good had ever come from me caring about somebody, only pain, and while I knew it was probably impossible for me to stop myself from caring, I was in no rush to get attached to anyone.

Still, the dreams left me curious, and I didn't want them to stop.

Monday, December 20th

Today was a big day for me, or so Esme and Carlisle insisted.

All day on Sunday they had encouraged me to relax and take it easy. Esme made sure I went to bed early to get plenty of sleep and then I woke up to a breakfast of bacon and eggs.

I knew they wanted me to stay calm and not freak out, today of all days.

Today I was taking my placement tests to see where I would be starting with the homeschooling stuff.

Currently, I was sitting at the desk in my room, a bunch of extra pencils and erasers by my side and a big packet of paper stapled together sitting ominously in front of me.

All during breakfast, Esme had been insisting to me that it didn't matter in the slightest how well I did. Everything was a starting point, nobody would be mad if I didn't get a single question correct.

I knew she was trying to make me comfortable, but to be honest, it just made me more paranoid.

She was obviously the more nervous of the two of us, and I didn't think that was because she thought I would do poorly, but she just didn't want me to _think_ I was doing poorly.

Everything I did was a controlled reaction, as much as I could make it. Because I knew they were watching for my response. Sometimes I found the pressure almost unbearable. In this situation I found it kind of sweet.

As far as this test in front of me went, maybe I was a little bit overconfident, but I wasn't worried about it. I was pretty sure this was one thing I would be able to do.

The stuff I did at James', while limited to a few schoolbooks a year and the occasional worn out novel, seemed like they had a lot of information in them, and I had a lot of time on my hands. I knew those books, just like I knew every bit of information from any of the other things he ever brought to my room.

"Are you ready to get started?" Esme asked, for what I hoped would be the final time.

"Mhmm."

"Okay, you've got everything you need, we've gone over the instructions, and I'll be in the office, right next door. If you have any questions, just give me a yell."

She finally left, leaving the door cracked just a tad.

Taking a deep breath, I opened to the first page, read the directions, and got started.

There was math, reading and science. Math had always been a favorite of mine, and somewhere between the exponents and tiny graphs, my mind got lost. I forgot about where I was, why I was doing this, and what it meant if I failed.

I just did the work, letting my mind truly focus on the pages in front of me. It felt really good.

I was surprised when Esme wasn't popping her head in every ten minutes to check on me, but I guessed she wanted me to be able to focus. She told me before I got started that I was free to take breaks as I needed, but I didn't want to. I was enjoying myself, and when I finally finished the last question after what was surely several hours, I smiled, pleased with the day's work.

I went and found Esme, handing her the book I had just completed. It felt weird to be handing over my work, as I usually wanted to keep it safe and orderly. But this was different, I had to keep telling myself that.

She promised to send it off for grading so the homeschooling people could send us the right materials.

"But it's Christmas break for everyone else. You should have a vacation too. No more school until January," she decided.

"But I just started." I didn't mind doing schoolwork while the others didn't.

"And you've done enough work today to last a while, don't you? Besides, you have a lesson with your new piano teacher tomorrow. I wouldn't want you to be worn out for that."

The new teacher's name was Emily. She was older than me, but not much. A few years maybe. Esme told me that she was the daughter of a family friend. It was clear that Esme trusted her, and I hoped I had no reason to disagree. She seemed nice enough. After introducing herself she went right into what we were going to do the first day, no small talk, which was a serious positive if that was how she always worked.

Motioning me towards the piano bench, I slid in on one side and she did the same on the other. We were sitting close, but not _too_ close. I did my best to reason with myself. She wouldn't, and probably couldn't hurt me. There was no need for me to be nervous around her.

She spent most of the first hour explaining the basics. Since I didn't know how to read music either, she took one of the beginner's piano books Esme had gotten me and started going through it, showing me what the different notes and symbols meant. I had glanced at them before now, but couldn't make any sense of it. Now I felt like I could figure some of it out on my own. We went over which keys were which and where to put my fingers. After demonstrating some seemingly simply stuff, she let me try. She seemed pleased with my progress for the day, and gave me some simple homework to do before our next lesson.

The whole thing was a little uncomfortable, but not unbearably so. I could do this, and I think I wanted to. Everything we did today was intriguing, if not a little bit fun. I felt like playing the piano was something I could learn on my own, but with a little guidance from her to get me on the right path. I actually wanted to do this, to improve with something, which was a new feeling. Whenever I was with James, stuck in that room with nothing new to do, I always imagined that as soon as I got my hands on something that actually could stimulate my brain, challenge me maybe, I would be hooked. I spent time daydreaming about having something new to try, I didn't even know what, just something else. But here I was, in this new place where the sky was basically the limit as far as the Cullens were concerned. All I had to do was ask, they told me, yet I hadn't really asked for anything. I hadn't felt like trying anything new so far, just being content with the basics. Maybe I needed more time, but I felt like if I had known that I wouldn't do anything new even if I had a chance to a few months ago, I would have been seriously disappointed in myself. I was wasting all these opportunities.

I guess I had always assumed that the only thing holding me back was the walls I was stuck behind. I knew that wasn't the case now, but I wanted to change it. Playing the piano was a manageable way to get started. I promised myself I would practice, and I would master everything I was taught.

Emmett and Alice didn't have school, so they were home all afternoon with me. Esme had some work in Port Angeles she wanted to get done, and I told her I would be fine without her for a few hours.

I couldn't decide if it was sweet of her to continually worry about stuff like that, or completely overbearing. I mean, it was a little silly of her to think that as soon as she left the house, I would immediately come down with some type of fit, considering I spent most of my time alone anyway. Dr. Garrison reminded me that I wasn't used to people caring about me like that, and it was actually a sign of affection. I guess I could see her point, but it was still a little annoying.

I happened to be downstairs when Esme left, and it took her like five minutes to get out the door.

I plopped on the couch after her car was finally down the driveway, happy to have some quiet for a minute.

"She finally gone?" Emmett's voice came from the top of the stairs.

"Mhmm," I answered without looking up at him.

His heavy footsteps came down towards me. "Good, I'm starving. You had lunch yet?"

He didn't wait for an answer, proceeding directly to the kitchen. I took this as an invite and followed.

Half of his body was hidden behind the pantry doors as he was bent over and digging through stuff. I could hear packages ruffling and things sliding around. When he surfaced, he had a bag of chips in his teeth and was holding several other assorted food items in his arms, I didn't even know what most of it was.

"Want a sandwich?" he asked through his teeth.

I chuckled at his muffled voice and shrugged, sitting down off to the side on a bar stool.

He dumped his load of snacks on the counter before going to the fridge and repeating his routine. Then he proceeded to assemble two large sandwiches. Sliding a cold soda towards me on the countertop and handing the paper towel rapped sandwich to me, he hopped right up on the counter a few feet away and dug into his own.

"She's killing me, being home all the time, you know?" He paused to take a bite, and I did the same. I was actually pretty hungry, and it was a good sandwich. "I mean, not that I don't want her to be home, but sometimes I just need a break. She used to be gone a few times a week at least, for work stuff."

A wave of guilt swept through me at that. I was keeping her from her work. But I already knew this, and she had assured me she would rather be here.

"She must be driving you crazy." He took a huge gulp of his drink.

"She's just scared to leave me alone or something." I shrugged, setting my sandwich down and wiping my hands of crumbs. "You'd think she'd realize I'm pretty good at being alone." I cracked the can open and took a drink of my soda. The carbonation was weird. I didn't drink a lot of soda, James never bought it and my parents didn't let me have it.

When I looked up at Emmett, his sudden stillness and silence catching my attention, he was looking at me strangely. It wasn't pity exactly, more like fear. I repeated what I had said in my head, but found nothing too extreme.

"What?"

He shook his head, looking down towards his sandwich again. "It sucks to hear you say that kind of stuff."

Oh. "Sorry." It was just the truth. This particular truth didn't bother me. "I don't mind being alone. Sometimes alone is good." Being alone wasn't the problem with my life. It was what happened in between being alone. If I was by myself there obviously wasn't anyone there to hurt me.

Emmett hummed a little. He disagreed but wasn't going to fight me on it. He was back to the sandwich and then onto the snacks.

"Have you had these?" He held up a blue package of some type of cookie. I shook my head. "Oh shit, you better be hungry today." He started opening things, a lot of things, and starting stacks of stuff I was supposed to eat. "You should start eating more junk food."

I squinted my eyes at him, confused. He sounded so serious, like it was something that I really _needed_ to be doing. "But it's bad for you." My parents were always big into eating healthy, I remember. We never had junk food around the house, and I don't remember ever wanting it that much. I guess it was good, because that meant I didn't miss is when I was at James'.

"Nah, you're a teenage guy. Enjoy the metabolism while you've got it, at least that what I tell myself."

I picked up a tiny black and white cookie and crunched on it. I had to admit, I may have been missing out.

Emmett and I worked our way through most of the pantry's good junk food, or so he told me. By the time he was satisfied that I was at least introduced to a good variety, I was stuffed. I hadn't eaten this much in a long time, and the soda probably hadn't helped much.

Feeling a little sick, I was quick to agree to his offer of video games, if it meant I could sit still for a while.

That's when it got…confusing.

Emmett grabbed the controllers and headed back around the coffee table. He handed one to me and we both sat. At the same time. So there was no judging where to sit or how far or close we were.

It just so happened that we were close. Like, very close. Not quite touching, but close enough that if either of us moved our legs, they would brush each other. His elbow bumped mine, and I held really still, waiting to see what he was going to do.

But he didn't do anything. If he noticed that we were way closer than usual, he didn't say anything. He just started up the game and began as usual, teaching me what was going on and how to manipulate my character.

But what was really weird about this situation was what I did. Because I didn't do anything either. Usually if this happened, I would have been up and out of there so fast he wouldn't even have noticed what was wrong. But in the few seconds it took me to comprehend the situation, I didn't feel any panic or sudden urge to protect myself. In fact, I felt pretty comfortable. Which didn't make any sense.

As Emmett pointed out the other day, I didn't have a huge problem with Esme casually touching me, she hugged and patted my back, stuff like that, but it was all a conscious action. I saw it coming and could brace myself. It wasn't always like that though, like when Carlisle touched my arm. That shot fear right up the limb into my brain. So why was I okay right now?

I focused my attention on Emmett's words so he wouldn't notice my dilemma, but it was always there just underneath the surface.

But after a half hour or so, I noticed something else. Emmett was getting distracted, messing up more than I would expect him to. A few times he even stopped playing completely, just staring at the screen while holding the controller loosely in his hand.

And right now? Well right now I was starting to freak out, because he was staring at our barely touching knees. It wasn't being ignored anymore, and I didn't feel the need to pretend that I didn't notice his strange behavior. I looked at his face. Like turned my head and stared at him, wondering what on earth was going through his mind.

His eyebrows were scrunched a little, and he looked a little dazed, like he was daydreaming or something.

What in the world was wrong with me right now? Why wasn't I freaking out? Even as I thought that my brain was screaming at my leg to move. I should be moving, why didn't I want to? His leg was there, it was heavy and warm against mine so there was no denying it.

Finally, I did move. But not the way I should have. I pressed my knee into his knee, nudging him a little. His eyes suddenly grew huge and shocked looking, and he immediately shot his attention back to my face, clearly over the little moment he was having.

His mouth opened, like he wanted to say something. Actually, he was just kind of moving it open and shut, looking shocked and at a loss for something to say. But now we were both looking at each other, and we were really close, so naturally our faces were close. Neither one of us said anything. He looked so worried that he might be sick or something, which honestly was a nice change because that look was probably on my face a lot.

So, because I had to do something, I smiled a little. Maybe more of a smirk. But the point of it was to show him I was okay and not about to freak out. But the truth was, I didn't get what was happening right now, at all, and if he didn't stop staring at me then I was going to freak out.

Finally, he looked down and shook his head a little, as if clearing it. He glanced at the screen.

"You want to start this one over?"

"Yeah."

When we were both seemingly absorbed in the game again, I realized this was very out of character for him, to not bring up what just happened. He was someone who usually dealt with weird shit directly. He seemed to be ignoring whatever just happened between us.

His knee was still very close to mine. It wasn't touching, but obviously if he was bothered by it he would have moved. So, he wasn't bothered by it? He liked being that close to me.

Granted, I didn't know a lot about social stuff, but I was pretty sure this wasn't completely normal for two guys who were supposed to be friends.

But…I obviously wasn't bothered by it either. I mean, I noticed it, sure, but if it didn't set me off, I was clearly okay with it. Did I like being that close to him?

We both about jumped out of our skin when Alice appeared behind us all of a sudden.

"Hey guys, where's Mom?"

Emmett literally dropped his controller on the ground and flew up off the couch.

"What?" he asked her frantically. "I mean, where did you come from?"

She looked at him like he was insane, and I sorta thought so too.

"What is your problem? I was upstairs. Where's Mom?"

"Oh, ahh, she went to do some work. Said she'd be home around four." He ran a hand over his face. I noticed it was sort of red.

"Okay…." She said very suspiciously. She glanced at me, looking confused. I tried my best to look confused with her.

"You guys okay?"

I looked at Emmett for the answer, because I didn't actually know if he was anymore.

"Pssh, of course we are Alice. You don't need to interrogate us, just because Mom's not here to do it." He picked up his controller and sat down again.

This time, he sat much farther away. I instantly was very conscious of the lack of body heat next to me and...I think I missed it.

EMPOV

Breaking up with Rosalie was…ugly.

She had asked to come over to my house, I insisted we go to hers. I knew she would be upset after, and I didn't want her to be driving.

When I got there, she met me at the front door. I could tell she already knew what was happening by the look on her face and to be honest, I wasn't surprised. I hadn't exactly been subtle about my intentions, basically avoiding her for the past week and blowing off any suspicions she had raised.

We went up to her room, like we had countless times before. But this time was different, and the tension was heavy.

She sat on the edge of her bed, I sat on her desk chair. We were silent for a moment, but that never lasted long with us.

"Emmett, I don't understand. I thought we were…happy." She didn't sound at all like her usual confident self. She was looking at me, not with the strong, hard eyes she usually had, but with confused and scared eyes.

"I know. I thought so too Rose. We _were_ happy, I promise. But…it's different now." I said it with an equally weak voice. I was just as scared as she was.

"What does that even mean? Nothing is different, nothing has changed." She sounded angry now. She was getting defensive, protecting herself. That was good.

I searched for something to tell her, something that would make all of this make sense. "I don't know what to say."

"Well, you have to say something Emmett. Clearly you're the one with a problem here, so man up and spit it out."

"It's not like that Rose! I don't have a problem with you. You're perfect, and I wish I could stay with you but…I just can't."

"I'm perfect, but you can't be with me." She said it as if it was a fact, but that made it sound even crazier. "That's what you're telling me?"

"Yes, that's the truth."

She nodded, thinking for a few moments. When she looked back at me, her eyes looked like she could send some type of death ray through me. I looked away.

"It must be bad. Whatever happened that you won't tell me. Maybe I don't even want to know, if it's that bad. But the fact that you can't tell me? After all the time we've been together, if you can't just say it, if we're over anyway…it's pathetic."

I already knew that, but it stung just the same. I knew what she was saying was absolutely true, but it couldn't make me tell her.

What if I did just spit it out? Right now. I could say it. I could say _Rosalie, I'm gay. You've been dating and sleeping with a gay guy for years. _

That's not what she wanted to know. That wouldn't satisfy her, it would only crush her. It would embarrass her and confuse her and make her second guess everything she ever did with me, and she didn't deserve that.

So as much as it hurt me to keep it in, and as much as it killed her to not have an answer, I sat there silently.

"Fine. Just go." She got up. Opened the door. I sat there, in her chair, and stared at where her body just was. I felt frozen with disbelief. How had this happened to me?

"Emmett. Get out." She said it with hostility and rage, but I knew better. She was upset, just pretending to be angry so I couldn't see it. I was glad she could do that right now, because I sure couldn't.

I got up. Walked to the door. Passed where she was standing with her arms crossed. She wasn't looking at me, so I just went through the door without anything. No hug or kiss, no goodbye, no I'll see you tomorrow, nothing. I just left.

Once in my car, I started it and drove away, but just out of sight of her house. Then I parked on the curb and sat there, doing my very best not to cry.

I had expected to feel like shit, and I did, but once I put that aside, there was something else. Relief.

It was over, I had done it, and that was that. No changing it now, and that was sheer relief.

We would both be okay. I knew we would be sad for a while, but she could move on. She could find someone new and be happy with them too, I knew she could.

Maybe one day a long ways away from now, she would be happy with someone else and I could tell her why. We could be friends again, like we had started out.

I could only hope.

In the meantime, it would be awkward and messy. My friends were her friends, but I wasn't about to fight her for them. She could take whatever she wanted.

I felt a little dizzy, and a little sick, at the thought of what I had just done, but it felt right, in a messed up sort of way.

I drove home, ready to face the whole slew of other problems I had just created by fixing just one.

One such problem, if you wanted to call it that, what basically smacking me in the face every single day. Today was particularly brutal.

Edward.

He had complicated my life more than I thought possible in the last few weeks, and while my feelings for him were constantly freaking me the fuck out, I knew I would forever be grateful for his presence.

He, whether he knew it or not, woke me up. I was in some type of denial filled daze for pretty much my entire life until he came here. Once I snapped out of it, I realized that it was so obvious. Like I'm seriously surprised I lasted this long type obvious.

I was gay, and I could date all pretty girls I wanted, but it wasn't going to change that simple fact.

But the problem was just that. Where did I stand now? What did I do?

I didn't want to come out. It wasn't so much that I was scared to, although that was part of it, but I just didn't want to. I hadn't even figured it out for myself yet, so I was nowhere near ready for anyone else to try to figure it out. I couldn't explain it, and I didn't want to tell anyone until I was really comfortable with everything.

Maybe I could go away to college, somewhere farther than where I had planned. Somewhere that I didn't know anybody, and I could just _be out_. I wouldn't have to tell people here for a while, and I could get more comfortable with myself at the same time.

But the thought of trying to do something like that left one big gaping hole in what I really wanted. The idea of leaving Edward behind, of me going off and starting completely over, was seriously depressing.

Now that Rosalie was out of the way, it was so obvious what I wanted. I wanted him to like me. I wanted us to be able to figure this out together. I wanted to be able to really be myself with him. But it was all just useless dreaming, because we weren't on the same page. Edwards would never be on this page, he might not even pick up the same book. And the sooner I accepted that, the better. The sooner I could move on, the faster I could figure this all out for myself.

But while I was here, in Forks in my parent's house, I wasn't going to move on, at least for a long while.

So that put me where I was today.

Sitting in the kitchen, eating a sandwich with Edward.

My small talk skills seriously needed work. All I could think to say was how irritated I was with Mom always hanging around.

"She must be driving you crazy."

Edward was slowly nibbling away at his sandwich. I had decided to take it upon myself to get the guy to eat more. He was definitely healthier looking than when he first got here, but still could put on some weight. A little junk food couldn't hurt.

"She's just scared to leave me alone or something." He shrugged, putting down his food and not looking at me. "You'd think she'd realize I'm pretty good at being alone."

I flinched. He was getting good at sneaking little comments like that in. I didn't know if he did it on purpose or if it came up naturally for him, but every time it was like I just got slapped in the face. It was great that he was sharing bits of his past with me, because that meant he was getting comfortable with me, but it hurt to be reminded like that. Nobody should have to be used to being alone. I couldn't even imagine what it would be like to be by myself more than I was with people.

When he asked me what the problem was, I was honest with him. No use sugar coating if he already brought it up.

"It sucks to hear you say that kind of stuff."

"Sorry." He shrugged it off, clearly not sorry. "I don't mind being alone. Sometimes alone is good."

Another slap in the face. Yes, alone was good to him. That wasn't so hard to understand, yet it still stung.

I didn't want him to think we had to talk about hard stuff when he was around me, so I changed the subject. The guy didn't know what Oreos were. That was something that needed fixing, and that I could fix. He gave me some shit about not eating healthy, and I tried not to let it show, but was amazed at how even after all the shit he'd been put through, he still had better habits than I did.

When we both sat down at the same time, yeah, I noticed that we were close. Like really close. But here's the thing. Edward had a habit of sitting about as far away from people as he could possibly get. And okay, if that's what made him comfortable, then that's what he should do. But the fact that he was willing to sit on the same couch with me in the first place said a lot, and he didn't exactly jump up and run away after we sat down. So I had to assume that he wasn't in any serious discomfort. And he had no reason to be when he was with me. Yeah, I admit. I liked it. It felt good to be close to someone, whether he thought about it the same way I did or not. So I didn't move, and I didn't show any signs that I noticed our close proximity, in hopes that it would last a little while. But after we were settled and quiet playing the game, I let my mind wander.

How nice would it be to be sitting this close because we both wanted to, not because of some clumsy fluke when we sat down? How amazing would it be to be able to be close to a guy and to feel natural about it, like it was meant to be that way?

I looked at our knees. It was something so simple, just two knees, but I could image it being so much more. God, what I would give to be to hug him, or hold his hand. I had never kissed anyone but Rosalie, but I knew the only person I would ever want to kiss was him. I tried not to think about that kind of stuff when it came to Edward, because I just wanted to kiss him so fucking badly, and I knew I couldn't. I shouldn't get carried away with stuff like that because it wasn't fair to him. He had no idea where my mind was, and I expect he would be mortified of where it had a tendency to drift off to if I didn't stop it in time.

But a simple nudge of his knee would be enough to make me happy for a while. When his knee actually did nudge mine, I thought maybe I had been so focused that I imagined it. But then I realized I hadn't thought about the game I was supposed to be playing in way too long and snapped my eyes up off his leg to see if Edward noticed.

He did.

He was watching me. And now I was watching him. We got stuck in some type of staring contest. I wanted to pretend that he had been thinking the same things about me, that he wanted some type of life together, but I knew it wasn't true. Still, I thought I saw something in his eyes. For a moment he looked…like he understood. But that was crazy.

I opened my mouth to say something, anything really, but nothing came out and I probably looked like a fish out of water. I didn't know how to salvage this moment.

The possibility that he was about to have some type of mental freak out was weighing pretty heavily on my mind when he hadn't looked away after several seconds. Thankfully, he broke the trance when he gave me a halfhearted crooked grin.

That final snapped me out of it and I looked back at the game and pretended like none of it happened. I needed to think about how to deal with this before I did anything else insane.

Then Alice scared the shit out of me.

It was one thing if Edward didn't know what it meant by me allowing us to sit so closely for so long, but Alice sure would. That wasn't a normal teenage guy friend thing to do. Luckily, I don't think she saw it and hopefully her suspicion would be more focused on my bizarre reaction than what she walked in on.

She joined Edward and me in the living room and I was now sitting an acceptable distance away from Edward.

I missed the heat of his body and the weight of it next to me immediately.


	16. Chapter 16

EPOV

Tuesday, December 21st

Somehow, and I honestly don't know how she did it, Esme had convinced me to go to the grocery store with her.

I had been getting up pretty early lately, since I was finally sleeping a little better, and since Alice and Emmett were off of school they were here but slept in pretty late. It wasn't unusual not to see them until lunch. Carlisle was still working his normal schedule, so Esme and I were left alone for a while every day.

When I came down for breakfast this morning, Esme had asked if I wouldn't mind going with her. She assured me the store would be pretty empty, seeing as it was a weekday and early in the morning.

So here I was, sitting in her car as it pulled into a half empty parking lot in front of the grocery.

Esme tried to pretend like it wasn't a big deal but we both knew better. We walked into the store together, me sticking very close to her side. When she got a cart, I felt the urge to hold onto the side, just like my mom used to make me do. It was childish and ridiculous, but all the same I did my best to stay close to her the whole time.

Once we were inside, she turned towards the fruits and vegetables. I looked around, trying to see who was looking at me. To my relief, the few people who were here were going about their own business, looking at the shelves of products and not caring who else had just joined them in the store. I took a deep, shuddering breath, trying to calm down. I was okay.

Esme had stopped at a display of potatoes and was placing them in a clear plastic bag.

"Will you go and grab some apples for me? Get five or so." She was tying up her bag and not looking at me, but I expected she knew this request would make me nervous. The fruit in question was a ways away from her, and while there wasn't anybody else in the area, it just felt wrong to go off by myself in this place. But she wanted me to, so I did.

I copied what she had done, grabbing the bag from the roll and peeling it open. There were hundreds of apples to choose from it seemed and I had trouble deciding which ones to select. Not to mention that they were all in such disarray that I was pretty sure if I dislodged the wrong one the whole stack would come down on me.

Glancing at Esme, I saw that she had moved on to another food and I needed to hurry up. She wasn't looking at me though, which was good because I didn't want her to see me have such a problem with something a little kid could surely do with much less anxiety.

Finally, I was able to grit my teeth and chose a few, but felt stupid as I rushed back to Esme and handed them to her. I felt better as soon as I was back by her side.

As she continued down the aisles, she asked me if there was anything I wanted.

"Don't you want to pick out some snacks or something? Feel free to grab whatever you want to try."

I basically ignored her because I honestly didn't know what to grab and I didn't really _want_ anything.

While she was picking out cereals, I couldn't help but notice the complete mess these boxes were in too. While I thought she wasn't looking, I went for a shelf where one of the cereals had been shoved back in sideways. After straightening that one out, I went for the ones around it, feeling much better when they were all aligned.

"Honey? What are you doing? Did you want one of those?" Esme asked, sounding a little amused. I jumped a little, not realizing I was being watched.

Shaking my head frantically, I answered her, "No, no. I was just…fixing it."

She looked oddly at me for a second before chuckling and moving on, patting my elbow as she passed me. I hurried to follow.

I must admit, this outing was going much better than I would have predicted and I was relieved, finally feeling like I was getting a break for once.

By the time we reached the soda aisle, I was pretty relaxed actually, feeling comfortable in the store.

"Do you have a favorite soda?" she asked, pulling a box of Coke out and slipping it on the rack underneath the cart.

"Not really. I think I don't like all the bubbles."

"Really? Well then there's always tea or lemonade if you wanted something non-carbonated."

"That's okay. I think I just prefer water anyway."

She smiled and told me that was fine. "Much healthier anyway."

As we were leaving that aisle, a woman's voice very shrilly and suddenly said, "Esme!"

I about jumped out of my skin, but neither of the two women seemed to notice. We both turned around, looking for the source of the offensive noise.

"Oh Donna, I didn't see you there. How have you been?" Esme asked politely, positioning the chart off to the side a little which conveniently separated me from this new woman.

"We've been great, staying busy, how about yourselves?"

"We're all just fine, getting ready for Christmas of course," Esme smiled at the lady.

"I would suspect you've been extra busy lately. This must be Edward?" she looked at me, smiling an overly enthusiastic, toothy grin which made me cringe a little.

"Yes, it is. I'm so sorry Donna but Edward and I were just finishing up and we really are in a bit of a hurry this morning. Do you mind if I just talk to you later?"

The woman's face fell, highly disappointed she wouldn't get to witness some type of gossip-able event for herself. Esme didn't wait for a reply.

"Great. Say hello to Dave and the kids for me, alright?" And with that she turned and began pushing the cart again, smiling at me and nodding forward for me to follow.

To say I was stunned would probably be an understatement. Esme, sweet little caring Esme, just completely denied that woman any and all forms of communication with me, which is what she obviously wanted. It was a little shocking to see her being so assertive and confrontational.

Nothing was said about it however, and whether she really was done shopping or not, Esme led me over to a register, where I helped her unload her items onto the little conveyer belt and the teenager swiped them over the scanner.

I half expected the girl, who was eyeing me curiously, to start asking Esme questions about me too, but she didn't. Once she was done, she told us both to have a nice day and while she was probably directing that at Esme, she was looking right at me, smiling in a subtle kind of way. I almost expected her to wink at me. Confused, I gave her a quick smile and nod back and rushed after Esme, who was pushing her full cart out to the parking lot again.

"There, that wasn't so bad now was it?" she asked me with a grin as she slammed her door shut and started the heater. I got situated as well, buckling my seatbelt and shoving my hands in my coat pockets. As she backed out of the spot, I had to admit to myself that no, it hadn't been so bad.

"Esme?"

"Yes dear?"

"Thank you."

She stopped warming her fingers in front of the little vents and glanced over at me. She knew what I was talking about. She had sided with me over that lady, who clearly thought they were friends. She didn't let me have a reason to be scared. Besides from that, she got me out of the house again and had proven that I wasn't going to be attacked by mobs of reporters every time I went somewhere.

"You're quite welcome Edward. Anytime."

Wednesday, December 22nd

It was a quiet day today. Esme and Emmett had gone out to do some Christmas shopping, but Alice was still around somewhere and Carlisle would be home early today, or so I was told. Esme had tried to get me to go with her, but I insisted that I would rather stay around the house today. I think she agreed, because she didn't fight me very hard on it. I figured there'd be a lot of people out so close to Christmas.

Esme left me lunch in the fridge along with directions about how to heat it up when I was hungry. My session with Dr. Garrison was in a few hours. I was going downstairs to eat lunch so I could have a while to practice piano before she came.

Thinking I had the downstairs to myself, I wandered on down the staircase, not at all expecting what I found at the bottom.

My first sign was a tiny giggle. Freezing, I shot my head up, looking for the source of the sound. I saw nothing. Right when I thought I had imagined it, there was a shuffle. Then a knee. A jean clad, guy's knee. It came up from the other side of the couch, only appearing for a second before disappearing behind the cushion again.

My mouth was hanging wide open and I was staring at the place the knee had just been. Why I couldn't make my body move in these situations, I will never know, but there I was. I don't think I made any noise but a few seconds later Alice's head bobbed up as well. She was looking down and smiling excitedly before she caught a glimpse of me. The double take that probably gave her neck pains would have been funny in just about any other situation.

"Edward!" she shot up, immediately getting off of an equally shocked Jasper, before they separated to different ends of the couch.

"Shit, I thought you said nobody was home!" he said in a hushed whisper to her that I could still hear perfectly.

Alice, who was wiping her mouth with the back of her hand, was glancing frantically back and forth between me and Jasper, stuttering out a, "I-I thought everyone was gone!" Looking to me, she added, "Mom said you were going with her."

I couldn't do anything except look at the floor and shake my head 'no'.

"Edward, I didn't mean to…"

Finally, my legs decided to function again and I turned for the stairs, up them and out of sight before she had time to finish her sentence. I heard there hushed voices again and thought for a moment that I could stop and listen to see what they were saying about me, but was too embarrassed to stop moving.

I didn't leave my room again until I heard the doorbell ring and someone let Dr. Garrison in. I met her in the office, grateful that Alice was nowhere to be seen on my way there.

I think she noticed something was off with me right away but instead of jumping right in, she started easy.

"What have you been doing today?"

"I was practicing." It wasn't a lie. It turns out music was a pretty good distraction and I had taken full advantage of that today.

"How are your lessens going? Enjoying them?"

"I only had one so far, but yeah, I think so."

I fidgeted uncomfortably in my seat. I could hear noises from downstairs and I wanted to know what was going on. Was that Alice still or were the others home? Would Alice tell them what happened?

I grabbed the drawstring on the hood of my sweatshirt. Twirling it around the tip of my finger, I wrapped it tight before letting it go and starting over.

"Edward, did something happen? It seems like something is bothering you."

I was never a good liar. The weak, "nothing," I responded with most definitely did not convince her.

"Do you want to tell me about it?"

I bit my lip, listening to the sound of a car starting outside. Was Jasper leaving?

"I, um… went downstairs earlier and Alice and Jasper were there on the couch. I mean, they were…" I started, not sure how to finish telling the story. I shook my head. Twirled the string.

"Jasper is….?"

"Her boyfriend." I knew my face was red. If I wasn't sure about that before, I had little doubt now.

"I see. And they were downstairs when you got there." She left it for me to continue the story, but I just looked at the floor, very uncomfortable. I felt the blood pulsing in my face.

She waited for a moment and then filled in the gaps on her own. "Were they being… intimate?" she asked.

Now I felt like my face was about to burn off and I wouldn't dare look at her. I merely shrugged, hoping she could use her doctor powers and guess what that meant.

"And I take it this made you rather uncomfortable?" It was a question, but not really. She didn't need the answer, it was already pretty clear.

"What happened next? Did they see you?"

Happy that she wasn't lingering on what I actually saw, I jumped at the chance to keep the conversation moving.

"Alice saw me and I went back upstairs."

"Was she upset?"

"I don't think so…" I hadn't really thought of that. I guess I had walked in on them, maybe she was mad. She seemed more embarrassed than anything.

"Can you tell me why you're so uncomfortable?"

I said nothing. I didn't want to talk about this. I wanted to ignore it, like I had all day today. It didn't have to be a big deal, it could just go away.

"Edward." She didn't say anything until I looked at her. Her eyes were directed straight into mine, keeping my attention. "It's okay for you to be uncomfortable about sex."

As soon as the word left her mouth, I knew the blood left my face. A wave that left me dizzy started at the top of my head and worked its way down until my stomach flipped.

Stuttering and awkward, I tried to save the conversation and pass it off as a misunderstanding. "Th-they weren't doing…that." I was shaking my head, denying everything.

"I understand. But I also see a reasonable connection from what you saw them doing and a sexual act. It's understandable for you to think of one when you see the other. It's important for you to know that your feelings and reaction towards what you witnessed are completely justifiable."

I didn't think so. They weren't doing anything wrong. Obviously they were enjoying themselves. Nobody was being hurt. They were just kissing. Horizontally and enthusiastically, but still. It was normal. I was not. I was the problem. I freaked Alice out, staring at her like a lunatic.

My chest felt like it was tightening. My stomach was clenched. I couldn't get it out of my head. Somehow, I was the freak and they got to be normal. And I couldn't even witness their normal without losing it.

"Take a deep breath Edward. Everything you're feeling is okay."

"You don't fucking know what I'm feeling," I snapped at her. She wanted to pretend like she had it all under control, like she knew where my head was at and what to say, but she had no idea how to fix me.

"Then help me out. Tell me what's going through your head so I can help you."

"You'll just tell me what I want to hear so I'll think everything's okay. I don't want people to fucking lie to me anymore. I'm not like them. So just stop."

"I promise you, I will not lie to you. Only the truth. Lying, or beating around the bush, won't get us anywhere. Do you agree?"

I shrugged, just enough to get her to move on. It would definitely help _her_ out.

"I know living in a house with other teenagers is a bit of a blessing and a curse for you, isn't it? You get to learn from them and they can help you a lot, by being your friends. And I think you already have a good friendship with both of them, don't you think?"

"They have to."

"No, I don't think that's true. I think they are _able_ to. Because of your proximity to them you let them in a bit more. Especially Emmett. I think others would too if you gave them a chance."

I didn't want to give anyone else a chance. I had enough going on, I didn't want anybody else getting sucked in by my crazy tendencies.

"But you need to be careful too. It's very easy to let yourself be pressured into thinking a certain way, based on your observations of them. Like it or not Edward, this is the truth, you're going to think differently than them about some things. Your reactions and emotions might not be just like theirs, but that's okay. You're going to need to learn how to handle the things that maybe don't come as easy for you."

Yeah, I fucking knew that already, thanks. It didn't take a doctor to let me know I was different from them. And that there was nothing I could do to change it.

"So how did you handle it today? What you saw Alice doing something you were uncomfortable with?"

"I didn't do anything. I just went upstairs." I said it a little defensively, because she really couldn't tell me I did something wrong if I didn't do anything.

"Yes, and now you've spent your day upset about it. Am I right?"

"No, I was fine until you made me talk about it."

She smiled a little at that. "It won't get any easier if you just ignore it. You need to confront these thoughts, not bury them away."

I didn't see the point, and I didn't want to.

"You said you were practicing. Has that been a useful tool to help you think things through?"

I wasn't thinking anything through, but it was useful in the form of a distraction.

"No. I can just focus on something…else. It feels good." I was beginning to enjoy it a lot actually. I was happy she made me do it, although I wouldn't admit that to her. Best not to give her that kind of weapon.

"What went through your mind when you saw them?" she asked, abandoning that line of questioning.

"I don't know. Nothing."

"What made you leave the room?"

"I just didn't think I should be there."

"Yes, it was a private moment, however they were in a common place in the house. You did nothing wrong by witnessing it. Was that the only thing you felt?" she asked skeptically. I brought it up, but I regretted it now.

I shrugged. She raised her eyebrows, waiting.

"I just felt weird. Nervous or something," I finally mumbled, not at all wanting to get into this.

She finally nodded, seemingly satisfied. "Good, Edward. Anxiety is a way your body tells you there could be danger. It's a warranted reaction for you in this situation, don't you think?"

I didn't want to think about if it was or not.

"Can we talk about something else?"

She sighed a little, clearly not done with this topic, but finally let it be.

"We're not going to meet again until next Wednesday. How are you feeling about Christmas coming up?"

I shrugged. I hadn't given it much thought. It was just another day to me.

"Holidays can be hard. You don't want to talk about anything?"

I knew holidays were hard without my parents. I had already gone through quite a few of them and I didn't think I would all of a sudden need her help to get through one.

"I've done it on my own every time, you know." It came out a lot more aggressively than I really wanted. I just wanted her to know I could do it by myself. I did a lot of things alone just fine.

"I understand, but now you have help, should you accept it."

"I don't need help with this." The hostility was put there purposefully this time.

She watched me. I looked at my knee and twisted the string on my hoodie.

"Alright. I'm going to leave you my phone number. If you want to talk about something, feel free to call. If I don't answer, leave a message and I promise to call back, okay? You could even text me if that's more comfortable. You know Esme and Carlisle are both here for you if you're having a hard time this weekend. You're not alone anymore Edward, even if it feels that way sometimes. You have help," she repeated.

I had been anticipating her asking me to tell her about my last Christmas with James, so I was relieved when she started wrapping up.

I really hadn't been worried about Christmas. I was good at going someplace else during times like that. Just like birthdays, which were always a big deal with my Mom, it was easy for me to push it out, ignore it, and pretend it was something else. That was the easiest way, the only way, for me to deal with things like that. I didn't see any reason to change that. It would just be another day, and that's all I wanted.

A few hours later, a knock on my door alerted me to Esme's presence. I was flat on the middle of my bed, arms crossed over my chest, staring at the ceiling. I dreaded another conversation like the one I just had.

She came in and paused at my door. I didn't look at her. She came to my bed, sat on the edge.

"Was your day okay?"

I nodded to the ceiling. I guess Alice didn't tell her anything after all.

"You didn't eat your lunch. Are you feeling alright?"

Damn. I forgot it was in the fridge. She must have checked to see if I ate it. I meant to…I just got sidetracked.

"I feel fine. I just…forgot, I guess."

"Okay. Carlisle's bringing pizza home from work, so dinner will be when he gets home. You'll come down?" She must have thought there was something up with me if she asked that. I always came down for dinner lately.

"Yeah."

She left me alone, suggesting I get a nap in before dinner.

I didn't want to sleep. Everything Dr. Garrison talked about was going around in my head, but none of it made me feel better.

Dinner was…dinner. Nothing really happened. Considering what was going on in my head and the scene Alice could cause if she chose to bring up what happened, I should have been relieved.

But I wasn't. In fact, I was really disappointed. I don't even know why. I guess I was feeling a bit…reckless. Not a word I would usually use to describe myself, in fact, I doubt it has ever applied to me.

But here I was, sitting in my room after dinner like I was supposed to. Like I was expected to. I watched some TV for a bit, but that wasn't distracting enough. I didn't want to practice the piano. So I just sat, fully dressed, on my bed. And very suddenly, I didn't want to anymore. I wanted to leave.

Glancing at my clock, I saw it was already 10:30. Probably too late to get Emmett to take me somewhere, but I wasn't even sure I wanted to go anywhere with him anyway.

I headed downstairs either way, thinking I might feel better after getting out of my room. Maybe I was just restless and needed to stretch my legs a bit.

Oddly, the downstairs was completely empty too. It was dark. I went to the big window and looked out at the driveway and the yard. The snow had already melted quite a bit. Someone had shoveled the driveway after the storm so it was completely clear. The yard was still covered in big patches but it was thinning out.

It looked quiet, still, and peaceful. But I didn't do outside because I was scared of the woods. So I was stuck again.

I was angry at myself with this thought, realizing how insane it was. And I decided right then and there. I was going to get the fuck over it. It was insane to be scared of the woods because some criminal man who was safely tucked away in prison might somehow escape, find me, and stalk me in the trees where I couldn't see him. I didn't want to be scared of that anymore.

So, after a glance at the stairs to make sure it was clear, I found my winter boots in the hall closet. I put them on as silently as possible before doing the same with my coat. I still had jeans and a hoodie on, so I should be warm enough.

Then, as silently as I could manage, I turned the deadbolt on the front door, twisted the big handle, and opened the door.

EMPOV

We generally had a pretty solid rule in the Cullen house that nobody came into anyone's room without knocking first. As a teenage guy, I definitely appreciated that. Tonight, that rule seemed not to apply, and for good reason.

"Emmett!" Carlisle's voice came from way too close and I bolted upright, shocked awake.

"What the…Jesus you scared the shit out of me!" He had burst into my room and rushed to my desk lamp, turning the light on and looking around frantically.

"Edward's not in here?"

"What? Of course he isn't, what the hell is going on?"

"Have you talked to him tonight?" he asked, already on his way out my door.

"No?" I heaved myself out of my warm, comfortable bed and threw a shirt on before following him down the stairs.

He was at Alice's room now, doing much the same thing. I couldn't even image an instance where Edward would be in either of our rooms at two in the morning.

"You don't know where he is?" I asked, catching on slowly.

"We can't find him," he confirmed.

"You looked everywhere in his room?" I asked, panicking now as I started to head back up to check for myself.

"He's not in there."

Sure enough, I opened the door and turned the light on to an empty room. Just in case, I went around the other side of his perfectly made bed, looking on the floor and underneath. I went to his closet, pushing shit aside just to make sure he wasn't hiding for some reason. The same thing in the bathroom, I looked in the tub and behind the door. Nothing. His phone rested on his desk. I glared at it on the way out.

A quick glance was all it took in the guest room before I was satisfied he wasn't in there. I had never seen him in there and wouldn't imagine he'd go someplace he wasn't sure he was allowed in.

Racing all the way downstairs now, I found my family in the kitchen. Carlisle was on the phone, talking frantically to whoever was on the other end and Esme was putting her coat on, shoving her feet into boots while crying softly.

"What happened?" I asked her, needing some answers.

"The security company called, said our alarm had gone off and nobody had punched in the door code so we should go and check it. Carlisle did and he said nothing looked off but he went to make sure you guys were all still here, just in case. Edward's bed was made and he's nowhere…he's not here. He must have left…." She was sobbing now but trying to pull herself together. I on the other hand, was freaking the fuck out.

Thinking quickly, I went to the closet, digging around in the pile of shoes until I was sure his were gone. His coat too.

"His boots and coat are gone." I told her before following her lead and throwing mine on.

It was cold out there and Edward didn't know where anything was. He hated the woods, so I didn't think he would go in there. That just left the road, which would be harder to follow because he wouldn't leave tracks.

"When did they say the alarm went off?" I asked my mom.

"Around eleven."

I froze. Looked at Esme. Her face said it all. That was a long time for someone with no outdoors experience, no idea of his surroundings, and with such bad anxiety.

I went to her immediately and squeezed her in a tight hug.

"We'll go find him, okay?"

She nodded, pulling out of the hug and starting for the door.

"Wait. The police want us to stay here."

Carlisle was done on the phone. While I felt better that the police were going to help, it pissed me off to think I might have to sit here, helplessly, and wait.

"They said it's better for us to wait in case he calls or comes back."

"How the hell would he call? His phone is on his desk."

Alice, who had been in the kitchen, came in and shook her head. "Nobody has seen or heard anything from him but only Jake and Jasper answered their phones."

"What? Like he would ever go to them, he doesn't even know them!" I yelled, aghast at the way they were handling this.

"Emmett, we don't know what's going on, we have to try everything."

"Yeah, exactly, I'm going to go look for him. I have my phone."

I was out the door before they could say anything, heading down the porch steps.

I thought my best bet was to stick to the road, but my heart sank when I saw footprints in the snow off to the side of the driveway. Heading into the woods.

Before I had decided what to do, I heard the door open and close behind me. Glancing back, I saw Carlisle join me, two flashlights in hand.

"Esme and Alice will stay here and wait for the police."

It didn't take him long to come to the same conclusion I did. The woods.

"He hates the woods. He told me he was scared of them, he would never go in there at night."

Carlisle nodded, understanding. Then he headed in there, following Edward's path. It was the only starting point we had, even if it didn't make any sense.

We followed his tracks. They were surprisingly straight and direct, like he knew just where he was going and wasn't just wondering around. Using our flashlights, we looked all around the path, making sure he wasn't just off of it, somewhere in the snow.

I waited with baited breath for his tracks to stop, or turn off the path. Every turn we made I expected the clues to disappear, but they didn't. He just kept going.

These woods weren't exactly dangerous. There were several sets of trails and small parks you could drive to for beginner hikers even. But Edward would be scared and panicking probably, so it didn't matter how friendly the woods were. He didn't like the woods. And snowy weather could make even the best conditions dangerous.

As we walked along and shouted his name, I started to realize just how far he could have gotten in three hours. Now close to four hours. And by the time we could get him back to the house? Who knew what kind of shape he would be in.

"Why aren't you freaking out?" I asked Carlisle.

"Panicking isn't going to help find Edward," he said just as calmly as he swept his flashlight over the snowy forest.

That may be so, but I didn't really feel like I had a choice in the matter. I was panicking and that was about it.

Right when I was about to scream in frustration of seeing yet another turn in the trail and Edward's footprints following it, Carlisle's cell rang. He came to an abrupt stop, handing me his light and fishing for his phone.

"Yes?"

It was only a few tense seconds before his face fell into relief.

And fuck if I've never been so relieved in my life.

"Thank god." He let out a huge breath and rubbed his free hand over his face. My knees felt a little weak. "Ok…good. We're on our way."

He snapped the phone shut.

"Is he…?"

His hand reached out and patted me on the shoulder in a fatherly, comforting manor.

"They found him. He's out in the lot off of Meadow's park. The police are bringing him home."

Wow. That was at least a few more miles out. He had really been moving. What the hell he was trying to do in the middle of the night out here was beyond me.

The hike home was equally quiet but the mood had completely changed. Before it was like I was too scared to say anything because I might jinx it or because I didn't want to think about a bad ending to this, but now I was angry. Don't get me wrong, I was still really fucking happy, but I was mad too.

What was he thinking, pulling this shit? Did he think we weren't going to notice that he had disappeared? He of all people should be able to guess what that did to people, seeing as how he was legitimately missing for half of his life. It was pretty selfish of him to vanish by his own doing.

That was a horrible way to think, but I couldn't help it. So I didn't say anything because Carlisle was practically a saint and I'm sure all he was thinking was concern for Edward.

He didn't talk either but his pace did pick up considerably, so I expected he was just focused on getting home faster. I guess it was kind of ridiculous of us to go running after him out here in the middle of the night. He could have been hurt or something though. We couldn't just sit in the house.

Home looked exactly the same when we approached it again. No dramatic cop cars in the driveway or crying people on the porch steps. We got inside the house and I expected the worst, but was met by only Esme and Alice sitting on the couch.

Esme's face was red and tear streaked but she seemed to be holding herself together now. Alice was sipping tea and looking tired and stressed, her free hand rubbing Mom's back.

"Well?" Carlisle asked immediately, needing an update on why Edward wasn't back yet. It had been a while since she called us in the woods and that park wasn't far from here, at least by car. He should be back by now.

Esme shook her head, saying, "I don't know what's taking so long. They said he was fine, he was sitting on a picnic table and they were talking to him. They haven't called again."

As if on cue, the phone clutched in Esme's hand range making everyone jump.

"Hello?" she said in a shaky voice. Then she said "yes," while nodding and scrunching her eyebrows like she was confused. Then, "He's just very shy, he doesn't like new people…yes." A longer pause before, "Yes, let me talk to him."

Then she held her fingers to the speaker of the phone and told us, "He's okay but he doesn't want to get into their car. They're-" then she was back to the phone.

"Edward, it's Esme. Honey you need to listen to the police men and get into the car, okay? You're safe with them and you'll be home in a few minutes. Nobody's mad at you, but you need to come home with the police now. Okay?"

I wished I could hear his response, or even if he did respond because Esme's face didn't give away much.

It was another ten or fifteen minutes after Esme hung up the phone when we heard the car pull up the driveway.

Carlisle went out to meet them and when the door was opened, I saw the policemen trying to guide Edward inside while he did his best to keep his distance from both of them. Thankfully, Edward looked unharmed, just cold. His cheeks and nose were bright red and he had a thick blanket wrapped around him.

Carlisle talked to the men briefly before leading Edward the rest of the way inside himself. The door closed, the police car started again and pulled out, and we were left standing in silence.

Edward, who I expected to be an emotional mess, looked the calmest out of all of us. Besides from being cold, he looked pretty relaxed, for Edward, at least.

Nobody seemed to want to act first, so we all just stood there. The night had been filled with confusion and panic. Everyone wanted to act quickly and efficiently as possible, but now here we were. The action was over, but now what? Now we had to deal with the results of it, and it didn't look pretty from where I was standing.

Before anybody figured out what to do, Edward started for the stairs. I stared, open mouthed, as he walked towards them, like this whole incident was going to be overlooked.

"Edward." Carlisle stopped him. "I need you to sit down with Esme and I for a few minutes before you can go up." Carlisle actually sounded pretty stern for once, surprisingly. Edward must have noticed as well, because he stopped walking and turned back towards us, now looking a little irritated.

"Emmett and Alice, we'll see you in the morning," he told us. While I saw it coming, I was still disappointed I wouldn't get to witness this.

As I passed him on my way to the stairs, I looked him in the eye. The look, had we been in a different situation, would have been comical. It was a look that said, _save me, get me out of this mess_, except it was weird to me that he chose now to pretend like he was a normal teenager. Now, after he scared the shit out of all of us in the middle of the night, the first time he had really done something _wrong_, was the first time he wanted to be treated like a normal teenager and avoid what was surely to be a brutal lecture. Maybe he was more predictable than we gave him credit for.

EPOV

The fresh air felt heavenly on my skin. It was cold, yes, but it felt good all the same. I didn't really have any specific plans when I left the house, except now that I was standing on the porch, I had to do something. Take another step. So I did, literally, and went down the stairs.

I looked down the driveway. It was dark, but clear and relatively non-threatening. It was the obvious choice. I took a few steps down it, but then stopped and turned to the woods. I wanted to face them, for real, and prove to whoever was watching that I wasn't scared. I could do whatever I wanted. Whatever I felt like, I could just do it. Simple as that.

I felt like walking through the woods tonight. So I turned and stepped off the pavement, into the melting snow. The sound of it crunching under my boot was oddly satisfying. I did it again, and again until I was at the tree line.

The familiar haunting fear trickled up the back of my neck.

Danger. James. Darkness. Alone. I didn't know what it really was that I was so scared of. All of it, I guess.

Usually it was a fear strong enough to leave me cowering in the corner, or in the bathtub, or digging my fingers into the skin of my stomach to move past it.

But tonight I wasn't going to give in. Tonight, my brain said a nice, strong, fuck you to the fears that no doubt on another day in the future would be back, leaving me weak and afraid.

I was feeling very reckless, I decided. It felt good.

I just wanted to move without something standing in my way and blocking my progress. So that's what I did.

I didn't know how long I was going for. My eyes had long adjusted to the darkness, the stars and moon being the only guide that kept me on the trail.

I may have been feeling a little carefree tonight, but that didn't mean I threw out all common sense. If I wandered off the trail, there was a good chance I would never get back. This wasn't about some type of wilderness adventure. It was just doing something without James stopping me.

I didn't allow my brain to go there. Somehow, even in my brain, James stayed in his prison cell, locked away from the world. I never once considered the fact that he might be stalking me, wandering around after me and that I had just set myself up as the easiest target he could hope for. It was a new feeling.

I was getting tired, but I didn't want to go back. Going back seemed like the opposite of progress, and I wanted to have some type of physical sign that I had done something worthwhile tonight.

I wasn't a good judge of distance. Or time, for that matter. I didn't have a clue how far I had walked, or what kind of time had passed. For a brief moment, the Cullens entered my mind. Surely they would notice I was gone if I wasn't home in time for breakfast, but no earlier. They would have no idea I was gone, as long as I got back before they went looking.

The thought brought a smile to my lips. It felt normal, sneaking around like that.

I wasn't ready to go back yet, though. So I kept walking. One boot in front of the other as the snow crunched away.

Eventually, I came to something unexpected. It was some form of clearing, but obviously manmade. There was a square, snow plowed parking lot big enough for a few cars. A little ways further was a snow covered table with two benches on each side. It was, admittedly, a little eerie, but I wasn't going to let that panic me right now. I went to the table. I used my arm to push off the thin, wet snow and then sat on the table part, my boots resting on the seat below.

For the first time, I noticed how cold I was. I pulled my jacket closer to my body, wrapping it tight. I should have worn gloves. Esme had showed me where they were kept.

I was tired now, and happy for the break.

As tired and cold as I was, I was also proud of myself. I did it. I faced a fear, no matter how irrational, and here I was, on the other side.

The dark wasn't so bad. The night wasn't that scary. But it was quiet. I didn't like that. I missed the sound of my boots crunching the snow.

I looked up at the stars, smiling. I was amazed at their brightness.

A stick, or leaf, or something snapped somewhere behind me. My smile vanished. I looked behind me, seeing nothing. It probably was the wind, or a squirrel, or something like that.

I didn't want to let it get to me, but immediately, my whole mood changed. I was a little freaked out now, and I vaguely thought of my warm bed. The work in front of me to get back to it was a little overwhelming.

Maybe this was a stupid idea.

Then, to my absolute horror, I heard something else. If I had acted right away, ran immediately, maybe I would have had a chance. But I didn't. I sat still, with my eyes clenched shut, hoping and praying that the car sounds getting closer to the parking lot were imagined.

They weren't. Behind my closed eyes, I saw the light of the headlights and knew it was too late.

My last hope, that whoever it was would turn around and leave me, was ignored too.

The car stopped. It was quiet for a moment. Then doors opened. Crunching of boots that weren't mine made me open my eyes finally.

Two men approached me, both dressed the same and wearing broad rimmed, dark hats. I didn't move. I had been reprogrammed not to run, not to fight back. At that moment, I hated James so much it made me feel a little sick to my stomach.

"Edward?" Oh god, they knew who I was. It really was over now. I clenched my body tighter, hoping to protect myself that way.

"Hey buddy, take it easy. My name is Officer Wayne. This is my partner Officer Logan. We're here to take you home."

I shook my head, debating about whether or not I had time to make a run for it to the trees or if they would catch me first. I didn't think I was a very fast runner.

"It's him, call his folks," I heard the guy tell the other one in a hushed voice.

"Edward, we're here to help you. Dr. Cullen called and told us you were missing. They're awfully worried about you. Why don't you come down and get in the car so we can take you home."

I could get home on my own just fine. I had no desire what so ever to get into this man's car. I wasn't so stupid as to let somebody take me away in their car again, I sure wouldn't get in voluntarily.

"Come on, let's go now." He came towards me, faster this time, with a hand held out as if to grab me and drag me to the car. Instantly, I was off the table, backing away. He held his hands up innocently. The look on his face was almost amusing. He looked so surprised, like he thought I was just going to give up and let him take me.

Once again, I thought about running. My only problem now was that I didn't want to turn my back on him. So I backed up, at least a good 20 feet from the man now.

"Alright, I'm sorry. Relax. I'm not here to hurt you. I'd like it if you would get into the car so we can take you home. Tell me how we can make this work."

I shook my head, until I realized I was a little dizzy. Then I stopped. My breaths were getting shorter too. It was hard to breathe. I needed to calm down. I couldn't defend myself if I couldn't breathe.

Luckily, when I didn't answer, the man turned and walked back to his partner, who was off the phone now but still hanging back by the car. I was far enough away now that I wasn't too worried about them surprising me.

I squatted down, not completely sitting but close to the ground. It felt better down here. I could focus a little more. I wanted to sit so I could get my bearing a little and try to make the dizzy go away. But I couldn't. It would waste too much time should I decide to run for it.

I was pretty cold now. I wasn't moving and my body was becoming stiff.

I kept my eyes on them. They were doing the same to me, but speaking quietly with one another. We spent many minutes like this, nobody making a move. Maybe they were waiting for me to come to my senses and get in the car. I wasn't going to.

Right when I had decided that I needed to do something, that this waiting was silly, they seemed to decide the same thing. The man that had been talking to me got into the car, in the driver's seat. The other one grabbed something from the trunk before moving towards me again. I stood up, noting my stiff muscles. I needed to get moving or get out of the cold soon.

As the man got closer, he spoke to me for the first time.

"Hello Edward. I'm Steve. I've got a blanket for you." He stopped walking about five feet from me. He held up the blanket in his hands, offering it to me. I had to admit, the promise of warmth was pretty tempting. He held it out, waiting for me to come closer and grab it.

I eyed him suspiciously, but the way he was standing suggested nothing of aggression. So I grabbed it. More like lunged for it. But I had it now, and it was wrapped around me and I felt at least ten times better just in the first few seconds.

"Great." He smiled like it really was great. "I'd like to call Dr. Cullen, will you talk to him if I can get him on the phone?" He held up his phone, showing me it was a legitimate offer.

I shrugged, not completely against the idea. It seemed smart, to let them know what was going on, whether these people wanted to hurt me or not.

I glanced back at the first man while he dialed. I could see him warming his hands in front of the car's air vents.

"Hi, is this Mrs. Cullen?" My eyes looked back at the man in front of me. I wished I could tell if he was tricking me.

"We still have Edward here, it's getting pretty cold out and he doesn't seem to want to get in the car. He doesn't want to talk either-" He stopped talking abruptly, like he was cut off. I could hear the sound of Esme's voice coming through the phone in the quiet woods but I couldn't quite make out what she was saying. He continued, "Yes I understand that, I think he would like to speak with you…." Esme seemed to say something else before the phone left his ear.

"Edward?" He held the phone out to me by the edge, extending his arm out instead of moving his body closer. I eyed his hand cautiously, doubting that he would try anything with Esme listening in.

I grabbed the phone quickly, limiting the amount of time that my arm was out of the blanket. I only had time to breathe once into the phone before she was talking in a voice that told me she was scared but trying to hide it.

"Edward, it's Esme." Yeah, I got that much already. I wanted to roll my eyes.

"Honey you need to listen to the policemen and get into the car, okay? You're safe with them and you'll be home in a few minutes. Nobody's mad at you, but you need to come home with the police now. Okay?"

I didn't respond. I held the phone to my ear still, thinking.

She sounded panicked. I hadn't meant to freak them out this much. I didn't really think about what would happen if they realized I was gone. The thought suddenly occurred to me that she might have called these men. Or Carlisle. They sent these men for me. Because they wanted me to come back, and tonight. Behind the small amount of betrayal I felt from this action, I tried to make sense of the idea that these men might not be the enemy at all. Maybe there weren't any enemies in these woods tonight, except the ones in my head. Maybe I had just been exaggerating.

I suddenly felt really stupid. And embarrassed, but what else was new. She said I could be home in a few minutes, and that sounded amazing right now.

So, without saying anything at all the Esme, I handed the phone back to the man, who had to basically catch it in my haste to get my hands covered again. I still wasn't going to turn my back to them though, so I waited for him to move. He looked at me like I was insane, and I was tempted to agree with him.

He hung up the phone and raised an eyebrow, motioning to the car questioningly. I nodded my head towards it too, hoping he would get it.

When finally he took a few steps toward it, I hesitantly followed a few steps behind. The movements made me realize how stiff I had become. I was thankful when he opened the backdoor for me but then climbed in the front, still giving me the option of running. I sat stiffly on the seat and pulled the door shut.

The car smelled like smoke. It made me nauseous.

"Just a few minutes buddy, we'll have you back home. Probably a good idea not to take any midnight strolls into the woods by yourself though." The driver said, sounding a little smug.

I hated being in the car, even if heat was blowing into my face. He drove slowly on the slick roads, but I wanted him to speed. My teeth were clenched and my hands fisted tightly around the scratchy blanket.

Finally, we turned down the driveway and I relaxed a little, sensing that I was finally in safety.

I forced myself to stay frozen in the car until it jerked to a stop. I basically fell out of the door. The feeling of solid ground beneath my feet was a relief.

Carlisle was there. I heard his voice and feet move on the porch, but I didn't look at him. I went towards him, the desire to be behind him, on his side, instead of the side with these strange men was overwhelming.

My eyes went to his hands when they shook the officers' gloved ones, admiring his ability to trust blindly. He could just touch them, so simply, with no repercussions or even hesitation.

He apologized for me. He thanked them. He reminded me to give back their blanket. Then he led me inside.

I never said a word to the men. I hoped I would never see them again.

I stepped through the front door, glad to be back even though my night hadn't ended the way I pictured. It wasn't over yet either.

Everybody was staring at me. Nobody was talking and it was very tense. I had nothing to gage their emotions with and I didn't know what to expect at all, making me beyond uncomfortable.

I only knew one thing to do and that was to hide. But I didn't get far up the stairs before Carlisle stopped me.

As Emmett and Alice passed me on their way out, I looked at them with extreme jealousy, wishing I could just disappear upstairs and not have to deal with this.

But here I was.

"Let's get these wet clothes off you," Esme said, coming towards me at once and reaching for my blanket. Before she could get to me, I shrugged away, not wanting to be touched right now. I shuffled over so I was few feet from her before I realized I was tracking water all over the place. Toeing off my shoes, I nudged them out of the way. I crossed my arms tightly over my chest, but I wasn't that cold anymore.

"Will you sit?" she said, unsure.

I shook my head. I didn't want to stay down here.

Finally, Carlisle sighed and ran his hands through his hair, frustrated. But when he spoke, it sounded like he wanted to get this over with as much as I did.

"What happened?"

I didn't look at anybody. "Nothing." I sounded oddly confident.

"Why did you feel the need to leave in the middle of the night?" he clarified.

"I didn't." It wasn't like I was trying to run away.

"Edward." I still didn't look at him. "You went wandering through the forest alone, at night, in nothing but a pair of jeans and a coat."

I shrugged again. What he said was true, but the context wasn't right.

"Why?" he was getting upset now.

I chewed on the inside of my cheek first, but then came up with something. "I don't know. I guess I just felt like it."

Their silence screamed disapproval and disappointment, with a hint of confusion. I didn't look up. I didn't feel like explaining. Because they weren't going to get it.

After many seconds and many deep breaths from Carlisle, he turned around, walking towards the window while tugging on his hair. His anger should have been freaking me out. I remained calm all the same.

"Honey we don't want you to think we're upset with you," Esme tried to backtrack. Carlisle was _clearly_ upset with me. "But we just don't understand this. Just because you wanted to isn't a good reason for you to wander off like that."

I knew she was right but I didn't have another explanation. Should I lie?

"That's just what happened," I said simply. I felt like going out to the woods, so I did. And it felt good and I didn't regret it, even if I was scared. I would do it again. I wasn't sorry.

"Did you need to get some fresh air or…or did you feel trapped inside or something? We just don't understand why you chose tonight to do this. If you had waited for morning somebody could have gone with you."

I shook my head. I had wanted to be alone.

Carlisle seemed to have collected himself by now. He turned back to me, addressing me once more.

"I'm not angry with you. But I want you to know that you've caused a lot of trouble tonight. We had to call the police and-"

"Just be mad at me then. I'm not so…._delicate_ that you can't yell at me or tell me that I'm in trouble. Don't treat me like I'm eight, because I'm not."

I spoke softly, but my words sounded harsh all the same. I was tired of them tiptoeing around me. Especially now. I had done something wrong. I knew that, even if I wasn't sorry for it. It angered me that just because I was _me_, they were going to let me get away with it.

"I didn't think you would notice that I was gone. I didn't mean to cause trouble with anybody."

"How would we not notice you were gone?" Esme asked in disbelief.

It was then that I realized maybe they thought I was making a run for it. Like I ran from James. Like they thought I didn't mean to come back.

"I was going to come back." I looked into Esme's eyes for the first time tonight. "I wasn't running away." She didn't look like she believed me.

Everybody was quiet once more. I was, strangely, feeling pretty awake. But I wanted to be alone. I looked longingly at the stairs once again, wishing I would be released from this interrogation.

"We have an alarm on the door." Carlisle said, as if changing the subject completely. "After I set it at night, if anyone opens it, they need to type in a code or else the alarm company will call. I'll show you the code and how it works in the morning. We can talk more about this then. Why don't you get up to your room and take a hot shower before bed." He still sounded mad. He didn't look at me. He sat on the couch, far more worn out than I was.

I leapt at the chance to get out of there. Once in my room, the idea of a shower did sound pretty good. It was after four when I got out and dried off, but I felt oddly exhilarated from the night's events.

The good feeling wasn't complete though. I honestly hadn't thought about the Cullens at all when I stepped out the door. I suppose I saw the selfishness in that now that it was all over and their reactions were fresh in my mind. The disappointment and fear stung a little for sure, but the only thing that really made me regret what I had done tonight didn't have to do with my foster parents.

It was Emmett. His eyes, which I did my best to avoid as a general rule, gave away more emotion than I cared to deal with at one time. He had been scared. Emmett, who always looked for the fun in everything, making light of even the tensest situations, had been worried about me. The fact that I could make him look like that…it scared me. I didn't understand that. Why was he so worried for me? How was I able to affect him so much? Why did he care about me at all?

Out of all the things that had happened tonight, it was with these thoughts that my mind finally drifted off to sleep, just as the sun was coming up for a new day.


	17. Chapter 17

EPOV

Wednesday, December 22nd

I slept late, so I woke up to a familiar feeling of panic, sure that I had overslept and missed something important and now I was going to be in trouble. When I sat up, I saw that the clock read 12:37. I hadn't really been asleep that long. I calmed down, noting that my panic was for no reason.

The real trouble was waiting for me when everyone else woke up.

To my surprise, everyone _was_ up. When I made my way into the kitchen, I found Emmett eating breakfast at the table and Esme wiping down the counters. I had passed Alice in the living room without her noticing me, but Emmett's eyes went to mine as soon as I walked in the room.

He stopped eating. His face fell a little bit and his eyes squinted. He was mad. Or upset. Or something, I don't know. Either way, I was pretty positive he wasn't happy with me.

While last night I had felt the need to defend myself, with the new morning came guilt.

That particular feeling was multiplied when I realized I hadn't seen Carlisle yet because he had to work early on Wednesdays. And I had him up basically all night.

I looked to Esme and saw the redness in her eyes. She looked like she had been crying.

I swallowed hard and looked down at my sock covered feet.

"Esme?" My voice was shaky and weak.

"Good morning dear, would you like some pancakes?" she smiled at me, still working on the countertop.

I nodded my head slowly and she smiled again. It wasn't a fake smile, which made me feel worse.

"Esme, I'm sorry." Her smile faded immediately and her hand stopped moving. She glanced at Emmett, as if telling me I didn't have to do this in front of him. But I wanted to do it _because_ he was here. It was for him as well. "I didn't realize I was going to cause everybody so much trouble. I wouldn't have done it if I thought everyone would be so upset and I'm sorry."

It really did amaze me that they had even noticed I was gone, not to mention that they had cared so much to worry like that and even cry over me.

She dried her hands on her sweatpants and came over to me immediately. She started out just rubbing my elbow but when I didn't object, she wrapped her arms around my folded ones, squeezing me in a hug.

"Thank you for saying that. It's okay. Just don't scare me like that anymore, okay?" she said while still hugging me.

When she let go and looked at me for an answer, I nodded and tried to smile.

"Now get yourself something to drink and go sit next to Emmett for breakfast." She immediately went to get a plate for me and started forking the pancakes onto it. I got myself some orange juice from the fridge and sat next to Emmett, avoiding his eye contact. I hoped he knew I was sorry for scaring him too but I wasn't about to apologize again.

He said nothing. He ate his food and ignored me. I wasn't one to start conversation, so we sat in silence.

Esme left us to our breakfast and went upstairs to 'get ready for the day.'

And all of a sudden, Emmett became pretty chatty.

"So I thought you didn't _like_ the woods." He said it as a statement, not a question, but I still answered him.

"I didn't…don't"

"Mhmm. Seems to me like you do."

I wasn't going to disagree with him, so I let it go. We were silent again. He finished before I did and sat there, basically just watching me eat, which I found a little rude. I tried to ignore it seeing as how he wasn't happy with me.

The second I finished my last bite, he grabbed my plate and with his, took them to the sink. After quickly rinsing them off, he surprised and confused me yet again.

"You should go get changed. Put sweats and a hoodie on and shoes you can run in." He started to leave the kitchen himself.

"W-what?" I was beyond lost and a little concerned as to why he would tell me to get ready to run. That couldn't be good.

"Clearly you need more fresh air, so we're gonna go for a run. I haven't been out all break. Go get ready. Wear a hat." And he was gone, up the stairs, I suppose to get himself ready.

So now I had two choices. I could go upstairs, lock my door and hide. He didn't seem too worried about this possibility because he left me on my own, which would make than plan much easier. It was also a lot less nerve wracking than option two, which would be to do as Emmett said.

At the same time, Emmett was obviously not happy with me. I didn't want anyone mad at me. It could lead to nothing good, really. Plus by hiding from him, I would only make him _angrier_.

My options were looking pretty bleak.

Either way, I needed to be up in my room, so I abandoned my spot in the kitchen and headed up there. I did take my time on the stairs, hoping Esme would reappear and demand I go somewhere with her or help her with something so I would have to refuse Emmett. No such luck.

I was almost at my room and still hadn't made a decision when Emmett's door swung open.

He was dressed in grey pants and a thick sweatshirt with tennis shoes already on. He looked me up and down with squinted eyes.

"Don't even think about going in there and ignoring me. Hurry it up. You have three minutes."

His serious tone would have freaked me out, except I knew he was kidding. He looked at his wrist as if checking the time to clock me, but he wasn't even wearing a watch. He kept a straight face and stared at his sleeve while waiting for me to do as he said.

I rolled my eyes but when I was alone in my room, smiled a little at his stupid joke.

"Two minutes, fifty seconds!" he called.

I made an annoyed groaning noise loud enough for him to hear me, but still smiled while he couldn't see me.

I dressed as instructed and just when he started counting down from sixty seconds, went back to the hall.

"Happy?" I asked him with a glare.

Emmett, who hadn't moved since I shut my door, smirked and said, "Very. Now let's go."

I had to hurry to keep up with him as he bounded down the stairs, stretching his arms across his chest and then twisting his torso back and forth.

He was at the front door and about to leave when I stopped him. Was this some kind of test?

"Shouldn't- shouldn't we tell Esme?" I asked him, worried that she wouldn't approve of another trip so soon after the disaster last night.

He turned around, looking shocked. "Wow, how considerate of you! Great idea," he praised me sarcastically. I rolled my eyes for real this time, starting to become irritated at his form of punishment.

"Esme! Me and Edward are going out for a jog!" he yelled up the staircase. He didn't wait for her reply before opening the door and basically leaping down the steps.

With a huff of disbelief, I followed, closing the door behind me.

A 'jog' turned out to be a little more intense than the word would imply. Having obviously never run any real distance in my life, I was tired pretty quickly. But luckily Emmett seemed to notice and slowed to match my pace. We ran down the driveway, which Emmett told me was about three quarters of a mile. Hoping to turn around and head back to the house, I was disappointed that Emmett turned left when we hit the road.

My legs were killing me and I tried not to make it so obvious that I was completely out of breathe and cramping. If this _was_ supposed to be a punishment, Emmett knew what he was doing. I watched Emmett, who was a few paces ahead of me. He ran so easily, his arms swinging gracefully and his legs moving in long strides, not at all like my form, which was more like dragging myself along the side of the road.

Thankfully, finally, he slowed to a walk. After checking the road for cars, he reached out and grabbed my arm, pulling me across the street and heading back towards the house. I should have found this irritating, him treating me like a child and all, but for some reason I didn't mind. I probably did look a little out of it after all, he was probably just making sure I stayed with him.

I walked next to him now, feeling a whole lot better very quickly.

Emmett, who I noticed was breathing completely normally again, glanced at me, surely taking in my still shallow breathes and sweating forehead.

Sounding a little more amused than I would like, he patted me on my back once, hard, and asked, "You alright man?"

I nodded immediately, trying to look convincing.

After a few minutes of us silently walking along, I finally caught my breath and he started talking.

"You know, I'm not mad at you."

"Yes you are." I wasn't an idiot. He was mad.

"No, really. I was just giving you a hard time. I mean, it's okay if you wanted to get out of the house. You just should have left a note or something…."

"I didn't…I mean, I don't know what I was thinking. I just couldn't sleep and I went downstairs and the next thing I know, I was out the door and I just wanted to do something. So I just walked," I rambled, trying to explain myself.

"Yeah, I get it. At least you stayed on the trail. We really lucked out that you weren't just wandering through trees."

"Wait, what? How do you know that…?"

He scoffed a little. "You think we were just going to go back to sleep and wait for the cops to bring you home? Me and Dad went out and followed you. Didn't get very far, I mean compared to you, before they found you, but still. As far as we went, you were on the trail. And if you got to that park, you obviously weren't just wandering. The trail leads right to it."

"You followed me?"

"Duh. Mom and Alice were calling everyone you've ever met from the house but I figured that was a waste of time."

My guilt over this whole thing was about doubled when he said that. I made them follow me into the cold woods in the middle of the night and now not only the Cullens were bothered but all their friends as well.

Ironically, I realized it was a good thing I didn't know more people. "Well at least the list isn't too long. Probably only took a few minutes."

"Ha, yeah I guess that's true." I don't think he thought it was as funny as I did.

We were quiet again as we crossed back over to the driveway. But I did have something I wanted to ask him.

"Emmett?"

"Mhmm?"

I swallowed thickly. I wasn't sure why I was doing this, but I braced myself and said the words.

"Why do you care so much about me? I mean, you looked really scared last night. So what if I get lost in the woods, why would you care?"

I had to admit to myself that it felt good that he cared, but it still seemed a little extreme. I wasn't really family, I wasn't his brother. He hadn't known me long and I hadn't been that great of a friend to him yet. Every time I did something with him, I ended up doing something weird or crazy. How could he just trust so blindly that I was a good person, or somebody he wanted around? It didn't make any sense to me. I wanted to understand it, because I didn't want him to stop. It made me feel safe and content to know somebody was thinking about me, worrying about me like that. Esme and Carlisle obviously did too, but it was different with them. They were obligated to. Emmett was something else. And I had a feeling nobody else could do the same thing.

Emmett didn't answer right away which was very uncharacteristic of him. In fact, he took so long to answer that I thought he wasn't going to, like he thought it was such a stupid question that he was just going to ignore me.

But then he did, and his answer didn't help me sort anything out.

"You wouldn't return the favor?" he asked simply.

"What?"

"If nobody knew where I was or if I was okay, wouldn't you worry about me too?" He sounded weird, not at all his confident self.

"I mean… yeah I guess I would. But I still don't understand why."

He was quiet again. I was pushing my luck. Emmett clearly was uncomfortable. He didn't want to answer my questions and he could stop at any moment, but I hoped he kept talking.

"Wish I knew, Edward….but fuck it, I'm horrible at this stuff," was his one last confusing and frustrating answer before he took off running again.

"Horrible at what stuff?"

Looking over his should at where he left me, he shouted, "Come on, race me! I'll go easy on ya, I promise!"

With an irritated groan, I took off running after him without the slightest hope of catching up.

Nothing more was said on the topic. It was like I had imagined it, but I knew I didn't. The whole way back to the house my mind was racing about what he told me and what it could possibly mean. It could mean a thousand things, how was I supposed to understand? I was more frustrated than ever before. The only thing I _did_ know was that I wasn't exaggerating what was going on with me and Emmett, because he saw it too. He knew something was happening, whether he was going to tell me what it meant or not.

Back inside the house, Esme found us shortly after we took our shoes off and threw them in the closet. Our faces were red from the cold and I was still out of breath.

"Did…did you two go somewhere?"

Emmett slowly and very dramatically turned to me with one eyebrow raised and a smirk.

"And that is how it's done. You should have taken notes." I glared at his back while he bounded back up the stairs, saying something about a shower.

Thankfully, Esme wasn't mad this time because we had stayed together and on the road. She made me promise that I would leave a note next time though.

Esme insisted I let her fix me some lunch, even though I had eaten breakfast not too long ago. I found out the real reason she wanted me in the kitchen as I worked my way through a bowl of delicious soup.

"You know that tomorrow's Christmas Eve…" She brought it up almost delicately, like I was going to break if she said it too quickly.

"Mhmm." I waited for her to get to her point, which she seemed very hesitant to do.

"Are you doing okay with all of this? I know the holidays can be hard and it's normal to miss your family during these times…."

I put my spoon down, a little exasperated that both Dr. Garrison and now Esme had brought this up. Yeah, the first Christmas without my parents was bad, but I got over it. I didn't have much of a choice. It had been a long time now and I was positive that Christmas would be just another day for me. If people stopped bringing it up, I wouldn't have to think about it at all.

"I'm fine. Really, I don't care about Christmas. It's just…Saturday."

If possible, she looked even sadder.

"Sweetie, Christmas can be a lot of fun. We'll make it a great day for you." Somehow I doubted that. I would feel like I'm intruding and I would much rather skip the day all together and let them have their family time. "What did you do on Christmases when you were little? Are there any Christmas traditions form your family we can add to ours? Anything you want to do, I'm sure we can."

I was shaking my head before she finished. "No. I just…I just want you to do things normally."

The very last thing I wanted was them trying to recreate my childhood memories. I didn't like to think about them that much and I sure wasn't going to tell them all the little details about my last Christmas with my parents. It was best left in the past.

I avoided eye contact so it was hard to judge her reaction. After an awkward moment, she continued, "Sure. Well we usually just hang out around the house. I'll cook a big meal and we'll open presents of course. Alice and I will probably go to church but you don't have to of course. We can watch Christmas movies and just relax. It'll be good," she nodded, trying to be convincing.

I hoped she was right, but I still felt like I was intruding on their day. But I doubted there would ever be a time when I didn't.

I didn't want to talk about this anymore, so I took my dish to the sink. "Thanks for lunch, Esme. It was really good."

She stood up and followed me, taking her mug and placing it in the sink as I rinsed my bowl.

"You're welcome. I bet you're tired after your run. I hope Emmett didn't pressure you into going?"

I might have told her that he 'asked' and I 'agreed'. Close enough.

"No, I wanted to go, I promise."

"Did you enjoy it?"

"Yeah, it was good," I lied. It seemed to be easier to do so when it was a lie for someone else, rather than for myself.

"Great. What a good habit to get into. You two should do it more often when it warms up a little."

I nodded, agreeing. It wasn't until I was alone in my room that I realized I _hadn't_ been lying that time and I _did_ want to spend more time with the ridiculous boy who I could currently hear singing something unrecognizable in the shower.

At dinner, Alice and Emmett were getting pretty excited about Christmas, even though it was two days away. I tried to contain my eye roll. I didn't understand why everyone was making such a big deal about it and it was starting to really get on my nerves. Why couldn't they just forget about it? At least until it was actually here.

Being around Carlisle, as always, was uncomfortable for me. It seemed worse today though and it wasn't hard to figure out why. I know he told me he wasn't angry, but just because you say something doesn't make it true. I watched him throughout dinner, looking for warning signs that something dangerous was coming from him.

By the time dinner was over and everybody had cleared the dishes off the table, I was pretty tense and just wanted to get out of the same room as him. The first chance I got, I did just that.

With my luck I should have known, but I still jumped when he called me back down from the few stairs I had managed to climb before he got to me.

"I just wanted to show you the alarm system before you went up. Will you come over here?" He motioned towards the little screen on the wall and headed over that way himself.

I did my best to shake the suspicion that this was some type of trap.

When I was standing close enough to see the screen, he showed me how it worked and what to press if I was leaving the house. He didn't mention anything about last night, or warn me not to pull something like that again.

It didn't make any sense that he would teach me how to leave the house undetected after what happened. I suppose he was just making sure I didn't feel trapped or locked in, but it still was a little backwards.

It was during my alarm lesson that Alice announced Jasper was coming over tonight. Obviously, I would want to be as far away as possible when he got here, in fact, I didn't really every want to see him again after what I saw the other day. I mean, Alice didn't bring it up or anything, but she was probably just embarrassed or something. It was different for him. I was a little worried that he would be angry with me. I mean, he was shouting when he saw me, that kind of emotion doesn't just go away because I leave the room.

As it turned out, I wasn't the only one that wanted to get away. Apparently, Emmett had adopted a new strategy when it came to his sister and Jasper. He was just going to completely ignore anything that involved him.

He actually left the room faster than I did, which was rare. I mean, that was one thing you could count on with me, to be upstairs first every night. Except tonight.

And when I _did_ get up to my room, I was looking forward to going to bed early. However, Emmett had other plans for me. Before I could get my door open, he spoke from across the hall.

"Hey, wanna watch a movie?"

Inspecting the situation, I noticed several strange things. One, Emmett's door was open, which I didn't often witness. Two, he was sitting on the floor of his room, leaning against the end of his bed, and three, there was actually room for him to sit on the floor. He obviously had cleaned up.

Apparently I took too long to answer because Emmett asked again. "Come on, I don't want to go down there with _them_, and it's too early to go to sleep. I'm bored, come watch a Christmas movie with me. We'll get all into the…holiday cheer, or some shit like that."

"Uh, I was…" I motioned pathetically towards my partially opened door.

"Yeah, I know, you were going to go hide out in your room, doing whatever it is you do all day in there. Or you could hang out with me, and I'm pretty awesome, right?" His expression was one of pretend vulnerability, like I would ever actually insult him.

With one more fleeting glance into my room, I pulled the door shut and went towards Emmett's instead. Upon entering his room, I noticed all the pillows stacked up along the end of his bed, so he would be comfortable on the floor. There were unused pillows on the empty side, waiting for someone, _me_, to arrange and lean against. I eyed them suspiciously, but Emmett patted them twice and said, "Take a seat," inviting me the rest of the way in.

Awkwardly, I sat cross legged next to him on his carpet. Emmett was, as usual, spread out and comfortable, his long legs stretched before him, socked feet crossed at the ankle. He was flipping through the channels of his TV, giving me time to take everything in.

When I realized that the decision to sit on the floor was probably a strategic one, not a coincidence, my face went red. Of course, Emmett wouldn't want to freak me out be asking me to sit on his bed with him. Surely he assumed that would send me into some type of mental breakdown. While my instincts wanted to be irritated with his attempt as coddling me, I had to admit to myself it was probably a smart move. There was no way I would have climbed onto his bed and laid down next to him, even if it was just to watch a movie.

"You…cleaned?" I didn't want to insult him, but honestly it was kind of shockingly clean in here. For him at least.

"Well I know how you are…," he said absently.

"What do you mean?" I asked with a narrowed eyes.

He let out one deep chuckle, clearly laughing at what I said.

"Dude. You're the cleanest person I've ever met. Don't even try to tell me you would have come in here if it was a mess."

"What? No I'm not."

He stopped flipping channels and turned to me. Gave me a disbelieving look. "Edward, you are _way_ OCD. Don't deny it. You cut up your pancakes this morning in fucking equal sized parallel little squares." I didn't know what OCD meant, but it didn't sound good. And I can't believe he really was watching my pancake cutting this morning. I hadn't realized I was doing anything weird.

"I mean, whatever, it's not a bad thing. If you want to be all clean and orderly, more power to you." He shrugged. Then smirked and turned back to the TV. "Yesss, it's on. This is my favorite Christmas movie, ever. I watch it every year," he said excitedly. I didn't catch the title before he selected it, but it didn't matter what we watched.

As the movie started, Emmett got up and turned the light off but left the door open. When he sat back down and squished his pillows into position again, I did the same and tried my best to get comfortable and relax.

This wasn't so bad.

We watched the movie in relative silence, Emmett only laughing at some stupid jokes. A lot of stuff I didn't get but as the movie went on I started catching on to some things. I smiled when Emmett laughed.

The more comfortable I got, the more I realized that I had been missing out. This was just two guys hanging out, spending an evening watching TV. It really wasn't as awkward or as awful as I had imagined. I thought that I wouldn't be able to relax and then whoever I was with would be watching me, wondering what was wrong with me. But Emmett was easy to relax around, and he didn't seem to pay me much attention. At least he wasn't staring at me or anything.

At the end of the movie, Emmett still chuckling, he started flipping the channels. Usually, I would use this as my hint to leave, but it honestly didn't seem like Emmett wanted me to leave. I decided I would stay until he didn't want me here, surely he would tell me when I should go.

He found something he liked and then launched into an explanation about the main guy on the show- some type of comedian- and why he was so funny and misunderstood by a lot of people. I nodded my head as if I understood and tried to follow what he was saying.

Unfortunately, Emmett was interrupted before he was done.

I heard her coming up the stairs but Emmett seemed to ignore the sound so I did too. Next thing I knew, she was standing in front of Emmett shouting. Alice didn't seem to be surprised by my presence and she didn't seem to care that I was intruding on their private conversation.

"Why didn't you tell me? Did you not think I _deserved_ to know!?" She was waving her arms around angrily and screamed, "What is wrong with you?!"

"Alice, it's not any of your business, that's why," Emmett said, sounding irritated.

"Like hell it's not! She's like a sister to me! She hasn't talked to me in days, now I know why! What were you thinking? She'll never forgive you, you know. She's not going to take you back and where will you be? Huh?"

"Alice, stop it. This is ridiculous." Emmett, although clearly annoyed, sounded relatively calm, which was good. Alice was a little scary at the moment and I don't think that I could handle two angry, screaming people right next to me. I just tried to hide my face, wishing I could sink into the carpet.

"You lied to me, you said everything was fine between the two of you. Did you think I was never going to find out?!"

"I didn't care if you found out, but Jasper should have kept his nose out of it."

"It's not his fault either! It's your fault."

I needed to leave, this wasn't going anyplace good. I started to get up, slowly as if they wouldn't notice.

But Alice wasn't done with her rant. She did however take a second to yell, "Sit back down, Edward!"

I sat immediately, scared of this tiny girl.

She opened her mouth, pointing a finger at her brother but he interrupted her.

"Why are you yelling at him now? What is your problem? I'm sorry I ruined your stupid little picture perfect group of friends, but you know what? That's how life works. It's shitty, so deal with it. Tell Jasper to stay out of my business in the future. And you can get out of my room, thanks."

Now _he_ was mad, and I really wanted to leave.

"I'm not leaving until I get an explanation!"

Emmett obviously wasn't going to be bossed around. He stood up, moving towards Alice. I took my queue to do the same, not about to be the last one on the ground when a fight started.

But I should have known better. Emmett wasn't going to hurt her, he simply picked her up. She was banding her fists against any piece of his body she could reach, but he didn't seem bothered by it. He just carried her out of his room and down the hall. I took my chance and went the few steps to my room quickly, opening the door and standing in the frame where it was safe.

I heard the commotion going on down there. It sounded like Carlisle was getting involved now. I stood still, my hand on the doorknob, ready to retreat to my room at any moment, for maybe five or ten minutes.

Finally, Emmett came back. His eyes immediately went to mine. Going to his door, he stopped inside of it, much like I was and looked back at me.

"So … they know."

I smirked a little, adding, "Yeah, I figured that out."

"Sorry, by the way. I was having fun, I wish she hadn't done that."

I nodded, understanding what he meant exactly. I was having fun too, and Alice storming in there hadn't just interrupted us but it sort of ruined the vibe. We were done for the night, it wouldn't be the same. It would be awkward and tense.

After a moment of silence, he looked up at me again. "So, I'll see you tomorrow I guess."

I nodded, but I was trying to figure out the way he looked at me. It was so much more than a casual 'I'll see you later' look. It was intense, and I didn't know what to do with that. It should have made me uncomfortable, but it didn't.

I shook my head a little to get my eyes to leaves his.

"Goodnight, Edward."

"Night," I said, turning immediately to my room and closing the door finally. Looking at him like that was too much. He didn't understand how he was confusing me, clearly. I just didn't understand what his motivation was. If I could figure that out, everything would be so much easier.

I went to sleep that night thinking about Emmett. It turned out to be a nice change of pace, because I dreamed about him too. I started realizing that I _liked_ to think about Emmett. I liked to imagine us doing different things, talking or driving around or whatever. It didn't make a lot of sense, but it was good, because where usually I was filled with anxiety whenever I thought about someone giving me any attention or me bothering them, with Emmett I wanted his attention and I wanted to spend time with him. I wasn't scared. It was just a really nice change of pace.

Saturday, December 25th

Christmas, as it turned out, came no matter how hard I tried to ignore it. Saturday morning found me wide awake and anxious. The rest of the house, surprisingly, seemed to be sleeping in. The first sounds I heard were from the kitchen around ten, followed shortly by Emmett's door opening and his heavy feet moving quickly down the stairs. When another door, presumably Alice's opened downstairs, I sighed and rolled out of bed.

I was trying to strategize how this would work out the best today and the one conclusion I came to was that I should try to go along with it on my own instead of waiting for Esme or Carlisle to come up here and 'encouraging' me to do so. I knew eventually they would get their way. It was best to just play along and pretend that I was okay with the whole routine.

I washed my face, brushed my teeth and pulled a sweatshirt on, leaving my pajama pants on. I figured pajamas for breakfast was an appropriate Christmas morning routine, right?

So I went downstairs and found everybody in the kitchen. Esme had the whole countertop covered with baking ingredients while she was digging around in the fridge, Alice was sipping a cup of coffee, doing her best to ignore Emmett, and Carlisle and Emmett looked to be involved in some type of friendly conversation, until I walked in that is. Everybody looked up, seemingly surprised that I was here.

I tried not to feel unwelcome, I'm pretty sure that wasn't their intent, but it was kind of awkward. Surely they were just amazed I had left my room without being basically pried out of it.

I tried to grin a little to lessen the uncomfortable feeling in the room but it probably came out more of a grimace.

Esme put down whatever she had found in the fridge and came to me, giving me a one armed hug and wishing me a, "Merry Christmas."

She nudged me towards the table and I sat down next to Emmett, across from Carlisle.

It really wasn't so bad once I was settled in here. Everyone went on with the morning and I just observed, doing my best to pretend like it was a regular Saturday. It was just easiest that way.

Esme said they liked to eat a big Christmas lunch before they opened the presents, that way the day was focused more on family than gifts. Emmett rolled his eyes but I didn't mind at all. Alice, who was clearly not happy with Emmett but doing her best to be polite in front of their parents, helped Esme cook. I felt bad just sitting there doing nothing, so after a while of listening in on Emmett and Carlisle's conversation, I got up and offered to help Esme as well.

"That's very sweet of you Edward. You really don't need to though," she tried to wave me off.

"Can I though? I'll just start on these?" I asked, motioning towards the dirty dishes that she had let pile up by the sink. I didn't think she'd refuse my offer to do chores, but it was still polite to ask, right?

She gave me an oddly sympathetic look but nodded anyway. "I was just going to wait until we were all done, but if you insist. Thanks for the help."

The task was calming and I let it distract me. I always felt like I was eavesdropping. I didn't have much of anything to add to a conversation, so I always just ended up sitting there like an idiot listening in. To have something to do with my hands seemed to help a lot.

When I was done, Esme told me I was making the other guys look bad. My face went red. I hadn't meant to. She just laughed and told Carlisle, Emmett, and I to go entertain ourselves somewhere else so she could use the table.

The three of us ended up in the living room watching TV for a few minutes before Carlisle got a phone call and left me and Emmett alone.

I was embarrassingly relieved when he left the room.

He seemed to share the feeling, surprisingly enough.

"So," he said simply, as if acknowledging that we were alone.

"Soo…?" I hedged.

"So how's your first Christmas on the outside?" he said in a weird voice, almost like a pirate or something bizarre like that. Maybe I should have been offended or embarrassed or something by him brining up my past so carelessly, but it actually made me laugh. It broke the tension I was feeling and I felt lighter than before.

"I guess it's pretty nice so far."

"Yeah? Pretty crazy stuff, doing dishes and watching TV, huh?" He said it sarcastically. I knew that. So why I said what I did, potentially making a good situation turn bad very quickly, I will never know.

"It actually is pretty crazy, compared to my last Christmas." I stopped suddenly, realizing what was coming from my mouth. I eyed Emmett, checking to see how he took that. It wasn't so awkward for me to think about but lately stuff like that seemed to be coming out of my mouth without permission. He seemed frozen for a second, but recovered quickly.

"Yeah? What happened last Christmas?"

That was just like him. I said something a little shocking to him and he just threw it back at me. Now it was my turn to be stumped for a second.

I decided I should just go with it.

"I mean…nothing really happened at all. Nothing different than usual anyway."

"So basically, just by seeing my awesome face, this year already won, right?"

I wasn't sure why, but I felt my face go a little red at that. I tried to take my lead from Emmett though and not let it show. After all, he just let me off pretty easy. He had an in that both my shrink and Esme would have loved to run with, and he just basically let me have an easy out.

"Well, it wasn't really that hard to beat, so…"

He made an exaggerated gasp, like he really was hurt by my comments. I knew better and laughed under my breath. He joined me with a smile and then stuck his hand out, shoving my shoulder and saying, "fuck you." I could hear the smile in his voice. From where I sat on the couch, my whole torso was jarred to the side by his playful shove. For some reason, his actions made me smile. I loved that he didn't tiptoe around me. I felt like a regular guy around him.

I felt his hand on my shoulder long after it was gone. It wasn't that often that people touched me so casually, but this time was different still. The spot felt warm and I really wanted to reach out and feel it, but Emmett was still a foot away from me and that might be weird.

"Are you pumped for presents?" he asked, a renewed excitement in his voice.

"Uh…I guess I am? I don't really know." I glanced towards the big tree that had been set up a few weeks ago. Presents had been slowly appearing under it for days now, but the sudden influx this morning was a little alarming. There was a lot of money under that tree, I was sure.

While Esme had assured me that it was ridiculous for me to worry about getting people gifts, I still felt weird about it all. I mean, she had asked me several times if there was anything I could put on my own Christmas list. In just the same way she had assured me, I assured her I didn't need anything for Christmas. She told me I was being absurd. It was Christmas and I was going to enjoy it apparently. It still felt wrong that I wasn't repaying them in any way.

James did bring me stuff from time to time, he even called them 'gifts'. But I knew they were more or a mind game or something. It wasn't like he just got me things out of the goodness of his heart. And it wasn't like he made a big show of it or anything- they weren't wrapped and it wasn't ever because of a special occasion like Christmas.

So I was a little out of practice with presents and the like. I was a little nervous about it all.

"I _guess_? That's it?" Emmett asked, astounded. "I know what you're getting, I think you'll like presents by the end of the day." He smirked. It made me nervous.

I saw an opportunity here. The anxiety I was feeling about being surprised with whatever I opened could be gone if Emmett told me what it was….

I was quiet for a minute, trying to decide how I could do this.

"What am I getting?" I asked as casually as possible, staring at the TV in front of us.

"Pssh, noooope! That's not how the game works dude. Nice try." When I glanced at him, well more like scowled, he was grinning widely.

I humphed and he chuckled. I rolled my eyes. Whatever.

It seemed like a short time later that Esme called us back into the kitchen and had us help her set the table and get everything ready to go for the big Christmas meal she had prepared.

It felt good, helping out and feeling useful. But the more I watched their family holiday, the more I felt like I was an outsider. I felt like I didn't belong here, or that I was just getting in the way. I really wanted to go sit in a corner somewhere or hide in my room, just to get out of their path. Everybody was so efficient, working together and moving swiftly. I had to keep asking Esme what she wanted me to do and where things were and what should be put where. It just felt like I was slowing them down. I didn't like it.

Once the meal started, the feeling only got worse. Carlisle was talking about an older brother who he apparently hadn't seen in years. He was the one who had called, to wish him a Merry Christmas. Everyone else was talking about him and telling stories. I don't know why, but it just made me uneasy. I didn't know what they were talking about or how to contribute. So I just tried to look at my food and eat in silence. I didn't have any family stories. I didn't have any family, period.

I started to feel a little bit sick to my stomach. I had convinced myself that I was okay with this day, that Christmas was just another day of the week. But everyone here seemed so happy. Emmett and Alice had been fighting but it seemed like today was an exception to the rules. It was just a good day for everyone, everyone but me. I was seeing their family, so happy and comfortable with each other and I just felt like I was so out of place. Would I ever fit in anywhere?

I felt a little dizzy now. Everyone was talking, laughing, eating, and I just wanted them to stop. I wanted quiet for a minute. I wanted everything to be still for just a second so I could get myself under control.

All of a sudden, I wanted my parents. My mom and dad should be sitting here, talking with me and telling stories about relatives. They should have bought my presents and I should have bought them presents. We should have put up the tree and lights and I should have helped my mom cook Christmas dinner.

I missed my parents every day, but a lot of the time thoughts of James overrode thoughts of them. Right now, they were all I could think about. Well, all I could think about was my _missing_ parents. There was a sudden gap in my chest which they should fill, but they weren't here.

I looked up, seeing the Cullens. They were all eating, laughing, talking with hands gesturing everywhere. It was all too loud, too much. I couldn't focus.

I meant to do it subtly, quietly, and casually. Instead, my fork slammed down on my plate, my chair legs scooted back loudly, and my hip caught on the edge of the table.

My socked feet slipped on the wood floor and Esme yelled after me. I didn't stop for her. I felt better when I was out of their sight, but I knew I would feel even better behind a closed door. I was a little dizzy and I took the stairs slow. So slow in fact, that I was caught by Esme.

Her hand closed around my elbow, stopping me.

"Edward?"

I was shaking my head. I wasn't panicking, not really. I just wanted to be by myself.

"I'm okay," I told her. I hated that my voice was shaky.

"Honey, what happened?" Her hand was still on my arm.

"Nothing."

"Something is wrong. What is it?"

I swallowed. "It's okay. I just really want to be alone." I said it slowly, clearly, and hopefully convincingly.

"Do you feel okay?"

"I just want to be by myself for a while…please." I was willing to beg her, but I didn't want to. I wanted to go upstairs.

I wasn't looking at her but I didn't need to be to know she was staring at me closely.

Before she let me go, she moved up a stair closer and pulled me into a one sided hug, squeezing me gently in what I'm sure she wanted to be a comforting way.

"Of course you can. Go on up and I'll come check on you later, alright? Come back down if you feel up to it."

That was all I needed to hear and I continued calmly up the stairs to my room.

I was almost out of her sight when she called up to me, "It's going to be okay Edward. Just…hang in there, alright?"

I didn't respond, didn't even nod. I was about at my breaking point and I didn't want her to witness my crash.

I closed myself in my room, fell onto my bed, curled up into a ball, and closed my eyes. It was the only way I could be with my parents, to pretend that they were here with me, next to me. If I only opened my eyes, surely they would be sitting with me, comforting me. In this way, I spent the rest of the day with them.

**AN: Next chapter is Emmett! Thanks for reading, please leave me a review :) **


	18. Chapter 18

Yeah, I know, this delay was particularly mean of me, and I'm very sorry. To everyone that reviewed and wanted me to keep writing, know that I don't plan on stopping until I am done, but sometimes life gets seriously in my way. My old laptop crashed and I lost the chapter I was working on (which was basically done) and had to start over. It's hard to get motivated after that happens. Finally, as you can see, I did and here it is. It's extra-long as a peace offering. I hope everyone likes where this is heading. Ch. 19 is well on its way, I'll do my best not to make you wait so long. Thanks for sticking with me.

EmPOV

Saturday, December 25th

I thought the morning went okay but honestly, I wasn't at all surprised by the mini-meltdown Edward had. I had really been expecting it. And the way he got extra quiet and kind of shrunk into himself right before he blew was a sure sign. But what was I supposed to do? Yell, _hey everyone shut up so Edward can chill out_? That wouldn't have helped either. So I just tried to get the attention off of him and hoped he could work it out for himself.

Turned out he couldn't this time.

When Mom came back to the table, she looked disappointed. I didn't know why, obviously once Edward decided he wanted to be alone, he wasn't going to cooperate until he got his way. I knew she understood that, so I didn't think she had a reason to be disappointed, especially at him. There just wasn't anything anyone could do about it. Just let him be.

"Is he okay?" Carlisle asked when she sat down and put her napkin back on her lap.

She smiled a fake smile and nodded. "He's alright, I think. He just wants to be alone for a little while. He might come back down later."

Yeah right. He was done for the day, I knew it.

"Well that's understandable. It's a big day for him after all. He must be overwhelmed."

I hated it when they did this. Talked about him, analyzed him and decided things for him. But it was Christmas and I shouldn't start anything, so I kept quiet.

The rest of the meal was spent not in silence exactly, but in fake cheerful conversation. Mom and Dad really tried to keep the holiday excitement going for us but it just wasn't working. It felt like something was missing, which was funny because Edward rarely said anything at mealtimes but his empty chair was basically screaming that something was wrong. At least I heard it screaming, not sure about the other, non insane people who didn't have some type of desperate and impossible fantasy for a relationship with the empty chair's previous occupant.

The fallout from Edward's little stroll through the woods was less severe than I had anticipated. Mom and Dad really weren't mad, they were only scared and worried. I kinda had some messed up jealousy issues after that, seeing as how the last time I snuck out in the middle of the night I was grounded for two weeks. Too bad they weren't just 'worried' about me then.

And yeah, I was a little upset myself because the guy scared the shit out of me. I mean, he was so naïve about some things that it wouldn't take much for him to get into a very sticky situation very quickly. Luckily he avoided anything catastrophic this time, but it still freaked me out. And I didn't think he realized the affect he had on me, disappearing like that. So it irritated me, which I don't think I hid very well.

My original plan was to confront him about it, but after his little apology in the kitchen, which I knew was at least in some way directed at me because he could have waited until he was alone with Mom, I decided to take a less direct route.

I'm not saying the guy was out of shape, because he didn't really have enough weight on him for that to be possible, but I did know that he had been eating a lot more than he was used to. It was starting to show up, not in a bad way, but places like his face and shoulders. He looked better every day, but I just thought he might need some way to keep in shape, after he gained all this weight.

I also knew he wouldn't be happy about this, so I combined both my agendas and made him go for a run with me. Yeah, he was pretty slow, but he did better than I expected. I went a lot slower than my normal pace, but he did keep up with me for the most part. He had to start somewhere. Now he could do this without me here if he wanted to. Hopefully it would give him an outlet for some of the pent up energy he seemed to have.

His question about why I cared about him so much was a little scary. I was pretty sure I was the only one clued in on my feelings for him and as much as I wanted him to feel the same, I wasn't sure if _I_ was ready for all of that. It was probably ridiculous for me to think like that though and I pushed it from my head. Edward didn't mean it like that. I doubt any thought of that had crossed his mind in the slightest. He probably just noticed my crazy demeanor and wanted an explanation as to why I was such a freak around him.

The minor bomb he dropped Christmas morning while the two of us were watching TV was a bit of a shocker. I mean, the guy never brought shit like that up and it took me by surprise big time. I tried not to let my shock show, because I wanted him to be able to come and talk to me about things like that. If he wanted to tell me about the fucked up things that happened in that house, more power to him. I wasn't really sure if I _wanted_ to know everything, but at least a small part of me was desperate for details. I wanted to know what he was working with in his head so I could be prepared and maybe help him with some of it. I felt lost with him all the time and I just wanted a little direction.

We finished lunch and cleaned up in relative silence. Whenever I caught Mom or Dad's eye, they would smile like nothing was wrong and everything was fine. Well maybe it was for them, but I hated what was going on.

Usually, after we all stuffed ourselves with deliciousness, we would move directly to the living room where all the presents were. I mean, it was Christmas after. But today, although nobody said what they were doing, everybody just sort of wandered off, avoiding the tree and gifts. Everyone was obviously hoping Edward would snap out of it and come down to enjoy them with us. If we just gave him enough time, maybe he would.

But he didn't. We waited all day. Esme and Alice went off to Church like they did on all major holidays. By the time they got home, it was dark and Carlisle insisted that we go ahead as usual.

Esme went up one last time, "just to check on him," she said. I knew he wouldn't come down, but I still waited hopefully for him to appear on the stairs behind her when she returned.

"He doesn't want to come down." She tried to smile and shrug it off.

"What's he doing?" I asked. I had fleeting thoughts of going up there and bringing him down here myself. Surely he just needed a little push in the right direction. But he might be more upset than I thought and I didn't want to send him into some type of major freak out on Christmas.

"He's just resting. He said he's been sleeping and he's not hungry."

"I hope he doesn't think he'd be ruining it for us if here came down here…" Alice added quietly.

"I thought of that too. I told him that he wasn't intruding and that we really wanted him with us but I'm not sure if he believed me." Esme told us. "Either way, he said no, so let's just try to enjoy the night, shall we?"

We did just that, opening presents from each other, leaving all of Edward's neatly piled under the tree for him to find later. While my presents were pretty awesome and I did my best to show my parents how grateful I was for them, it honestly just wasn't the same. Which was messed up, because it wasn't like Edward had ever been there before for Christmas.

But I knew the last thing he would want was for him to be at fault for messing up the day, so I did my best to enjoy it.

Afterwards, we all sat around the living room, eating the leftover cookies and watching a Christmas movie. It was nice to spend time with them, especially Alice. We had been in a fight about Jasper, and we were both still mad about it. I wasn't over it and she wasn't even close to being over it. But she was my little sister and when it was all boiled down, I just wanted her to be safe and happy.

I rarely thought about my old life anymore, the one before the Cullens. But Christmas was a natural time for that stuff to come back, I guess. Thinking about the few Holidays I remembered with them, it made me insanely happy to be here and I threw an arm around my sister, hugging her a little tighter to me. Surely tomorrow she would be mad at me again and we would pretend this didn't happen, but for now it was nice.

After everyone went to bed, I stayed downstairs. Edward had a habit of wandering in the night, and I was going to wait for him in case tonight was a repeat.

He didn't show.

I went to bed around three, glancing at his closed door on my way.

He didn't even emerge the next morning, in fact the first time I saw him was for dinner. Carlisle was at work, so it was just the four of us which I thought would make him more relaxed than usual. Instead, he seemed even more down on himself than usual. He stared at the floor or his plate, never once looking up at me or anyone else. He pushed his food around and didn't even touch his drink. It wasn't that he seemed tired exactly, just distracted or something.

When everyone was done, I helped Mom clear the table and do the dishes. Edward had disappeared, which wasn't a big shock, but when I went out to the living room, there he was.

He was sitting as close to the end of the couch as possible, all squeezed in the corner. His elbow was resting on the arm of the couch with his face resting on his own arm, cheek all squished and sad like. I couldn't help but smile a little at the cuteness of it, right before I mentally smacked myself for having such thoughts and forcing the smile away.

As casually as I could, I plopped down on the couch next to him, grabbing the remote. The fact that he was sitting in the semi-dark living room in silence with no TV was odd, and not lost on me.

I flipped channels, pretending like everything was normal. After a few minutes, I glanced at him. He wasn't even looking at the TV. His gaze was directed at the ground in front of his feet, all distant and cloudy.

"You alright?" I asked him, still watching.

He blinked rapidly a few times and swallowed before nodding without moving his head from its resting place.

"You seem kinda tired."

He shrugged. Shifted his leg. Didn't look at me. He was worse than I thought. Disappointment ran through me, thinking of the days going up to Christmas. He had been doing well, we had been hanging out more and everything seemed good. Now this.

I turned the TV off and threw the remote down in between us. He didn't look up. We sat in silence for a moment before it was too much for me.

"Wanna go for a drive?" I asked hopefully, expecting rejection.

"Where?" His voice sounded groggy and unused. But at least he talked.

"Nowhere."

His deep breathe could have been him bracing himself or some type of irritated sigh, but after another minute or so he stood up. I watched him go to the closet, open it, get his shoes, and then go to get his coat. I smiled when he finally looked up at me, ready to go.

I stuck my head in the kitchen to tell Mom what we were doing and then followed him out the door.

I drove aimlessly around Forks, not surprised by the complete lack of other cars on the road. Edward just stared out the dark window, again not talking.

"Have you been to the beach yet?" I knew he hadn't, but the silence was killing me.

He shook his head and said, "What beach?"

"Remember Jake? The reservation he lives on has a nice beach, a couple of minutes from here. Its cold as fuck out there with the wind and stuff, but still pretty neat." I turned the car in that direction.

I parked in a spot a little far off but with a view of the water. It was dark, but you could still see the waves breaking.

"Did you ever go to the beach when you were little?"

He paused for a moment, thinking. "Uh…once I think. I don't know, they probably took me I just don't remember." He shrugged. I frowned, sad that he seemed to have lost some of the memories of his parents. He was eight before they died, I thought he would have remembered most stuff.

"When it warms up we'll go. Some of the guys on the reservation surf out there."

He nodded. I thought he was done but then he said quietly, "I don't even know if I still know how to swim."

"I don't think you can forget stuff like that, if you learned it once," I tried to reassure him. "But don't worry, I'll teach you." I meant it to be more of a joke, but once it was out, the thought of teaching Edward something like that was enough to make my face go red.

This wasn't working. I had to do something else to get him out of this mood. An idea struck me, and it was probably a bad one, but a smile immediately came to my lips. There was something else I could teach him.

I started the car. I pulled out of my spot and towards a decently sized empty parking lot.

"Hey Edward? Do you want to drive?"

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him look at me.

To my surprise and excitement, he gave me a definitive, "Yes."

Once we were in the lot, we switched seats and I had a huge fucking grin on my face at the excitement in his eyes.

"Alright, let me channel my mother for a second." I put my fingers on my temples and pretended to have some type of telepathic moment. "Okay, at this point I should lecture you about safety and always wearing your seatbelt and making sure everyone in the car does the same. So pretend I did that."

He put his seatbelt on.

"Okay, now you should be able to see out of all your mirrors. Move them around if you can't." He did that and adjusted everything else that was necessary.

"Your lights are already on, so we're good to go. You know which one is the gas and break, right?" He nodded. "That's right, because I gave the best pre-driver lessens ever," I bragged, thinking back to our video game sessions with the wheel.

"Now press down on the break."

"Okay."

"Now grab the gear shift. Pull it towards you and down until it's on the 'D'." He struggled with it for a second but got it and put the car into drive.

"Alright. Now really slowly, lift your foot of the break until you start moving."

He did, and as he started rolling, a look of intense concentration came over his face. He steered around the lot some and when he got the hang of it, started using some gas. The look of excitement on his face was priceless.

I told him he could drive on the road for a little ways, seeing as how there were no other cars and it was getting late, but he refused.

"We'll get in trouble if someone sees us," he told me. I rolled my eyes at his paranoia but he looked like he was having plenty of fun anyway, so I let him continue going in circles and backing in and out of parking spaces.

When he'd had his fill, he put the car in park and sat back, looking satisfied.

"That was fun."

I laughed but was genuinely happy I got him to say that tonight.

"Tell Carlisle you want to learn. He'd love to take you out."

Edward didn't know yet, but I happened to know that one of his gifts under the tree was a set of car keys. Mom and Dad wanted him to be able to feel like he had some independence. They were going to start encouraging him to learn to drive and to inspire him, they bought him his own car. It wasn't a new car or anything, just a nice used Volvo, but it was safe and a good car to learn in. I knew he would probably flip over them spending so much money on him, but at least now he knew he would enjoy driving and maybe wouldn't put up so much of a fight.

"Maybe," he shrugged. I would bet my own car that Edward would never ask Carlisle to teach him, but that was okay. Carlisle or Esme would ease him into it so he didn't have to.

"Thanks for showing me," he mumbled, taking off his seatbelt and going to open the door. Once we were back in our original seats, I started to head home.

Stupidly, I couldn't just let that be it for the night. I had to push him, and that would never end well.

"So are you alright? From yesterday, I mean."

Immediately, he looked down at his lap, twisting his hands together.

"Yeah," he mumbled.

"You didn't get to open your presents. You missed all the good stuff," I said, trying to lighten his suddenly somber mood.

He scoffed and shook his head a little. "I don't think I can take any more Christmas presents this year."

"What? Why?"

After another breathy sigh, he told me what had been going on all day today, and why I hadn't seen him until dinner.

EPOV

Sunday, December 26th

Christmas had been fairly horrible. Today had been worse.

Not only did I have to wake up and realize that I was alone, again, but the one and only 'present' I was persuaded to open made me want to throw up, pass out, and cry all at once. Two of those really did happen, and multiple times.

Esme and Carlisle came to my room. Together. That was most definitely not a good sign. They made me sit on the couch and said they had something important to talk to me about. They said they had discussed it with Dr. Garrison. The scenarios running through my head after they told me that were probably laughable, but I couldn't even think about laughing.

Esme sat on the couch next to me and launched into the story about my grandmother, of all people. Apparently, she had possession of a lot of my parent's things after I went missing. When my grandma died, some of it was trashed and some of it was packed away. What was left over consisted of the contents of a medium sized box, which Carlisle then brought in from the hallway and sat on the floor in front of me. I heard Esme continue to speak about how a woman who worked for my grandmother had the box and sent it here when she learned that I had been found, but I wasn't really paying attention to the details. I was staring at this box.

It was just an ordinary brown cardboard box, tapped up with an address for somewhere in Seattle on the top. It didn't look like it had been opened. I had this intense feeling like the box should stay that way, unopened. I didn't want to know what was inside, did I? Wasn't it better if I never knew this box existed, for it could only bring pain and grief for me, I was sure. But I did know about this box, and I could never rest properly again until I knew what else of my parents still existed.

Plus, Carlisle was basically insisting I open it now.

"We haven't opened it, but of course it went through the police in Seattle. We did see the letter from the woman who had it, and have been assured that it is a credible source. This box did come from your grandmother in Chicago. Dr. Garrison thinks it best that we open it together, rather that we be here with you when you do open it."

I made no move to open it, in fact I made no move at all.

"Dr. Garrison also said that if you wanted, we could go through the box for you first, just so we could help you know what to expect before you're surprised by something. She insisted that we give you the option however. It is your property now, and you can decide what is done with it."

Without acknowledging anything he just said, I slowly slid down onto the floor. I put my hands on the sides of the box, feeling it. It felt heavy. I tried to imagine what was inside, and my stomach did a little flip.

What did I actually want from my parents? The only thing that I had ever wished for was for something that I knew didn't exist. I wanted some type of message from them, telling me that they were okay. I wanted to know that they weren't upset with me and that they loved me and that they were still proud that I was their son. I knew those things were true before they died, but now? I didn't know. So many things had happened to me, so many things _I had done_ could have changed how they felt. I just wanted some reassurance, and I knew I would never get it. Not from them.

So why should I open this? I didn't know. I guess it was simple curiosity, or some freakishly morbid desire to have their things so nobody else did. But I felt my fingers picking at the tape that held the package closed.

I did it slowly, and I wondered if Carlisle or Esme were becoming irritated. That was the last time I thought about their presence though, because as soon as the flaps folded back, thoughts of them were utterly unimportant.

The box was obviously old. Dust flew up at me, and with it came something I hadn't even known that I missed. It _smelled_ like my mom and dad. I could never describe it in words, but the second I experienced it, I felt like they were there. How else would their scent have survived this long?

The first thing I picked up was my mother's purse from the top of the pile. It was small and brown and smooth. If you had asked me five minutes ago what it looked like, I wouldn't have been able to describe it if my life depended on it. But now I could remember it vividly, thrown over her shoulder as she loaded me into the car or held my hand in a parking lot. It felt like it was from another life all together.

I put it aside, not looking inside for now. My dad's wallet was close behind. Again, I set it aside for later. A wrist watch, a small container with a clear plastic top which held some of my mother's jewelry, along with some other smaller trinkets were on top of larger, folded pieces of fabric. I didn't recognize them at first, but after taking them out and holding them in my hands, I saw them as a scarf of my mothers and a sweater of my father's. Their smell was clearly coming from these. If I remembered correctly, these were some of the things my mother had made herself. When I returned to the box, I saw a third item of clothing and recognized this one immediately. A sweater my mom had made me, very similar to my dad's except for in little kid size. After setting that aside with the others, I saw what had made the box heavy. Books lined the bottom of the box. Confusion struck. Why would she have saved books? What emotional value did they have to her?

Picking the first one up, I saw it was untitled. I felt my lip quiver when I opened the first page. It was my mother's handwriting. It was a journal. I slammed it shut, not at all prepared to read something like that. The next two books were the same, and the fourth was what made me want to throw up.

A photo album, complete with a baby me on the first page. Again, I couldn't even contemplate looking at all of the pictures without having some type of serious breakdown. I set it aside with my other treasures. Pressed up against the side of the box was a yellow envelope. It was large, and when I opened it, I saw it contained other smaller ones.

The first one I opened contained only a key. I had never seen it before and I had no idea what it could be to. For the first time, I looked up for help from Esme. Not surprisingly, she had tears in her eyes. Her eyebrows raised in question and I held up the envelope for her to take. Looking inside, she pulled out the key along with a piece of paper which I had missed.

"Honey, I think it's a safety deposit box key. Like at a bank? You can store things there so they don't get stolen or damaged. We can…" she looked up at her husband, holding the key and paper out.

"I'll look into it." He took the key to examine for himself but I was back to my box.

The big envelope had several more things inside, but I pulled out the one that would do me in. Two gold bands were inside, and knowing what they were made vomit rise in my throat. I lurched for the bathroom door, basically crawling there on my knees. I managed to swing the door shut just as I heaved into the toilet. I didn't have much to give and soon it was just bile, but my stomach kept retching over and over.

When I was finally done, I felt the tears on my cheeks and I wrapped my arms around my legs, rocking back and forth a little, which made me feel a tad better. Surprisingly, they gave me some privacy for a few minutes before Esme came to check on me.

She put a cold clothe on my face, wiping sweat away. She gave me a glass of water.

"That's enough for today, Edward. We put everything back, the box is tucked away in your closet when you want to see it again, alright?" I nodded weakly.

She sideways hugged me, telling me, "That was hard to do. I think you did a good job going through it, you know. It's some pretty strong stuff, isn't it?"

When I didn't answer, she got me to go back to my room with her. Carlisle was gone. She sat me on my bed. She stayed with me until I told her I wanted to be alone for a while.

"Will you take a break from the box for today at least?"

I nodded, being truthful. I was done with that stuff for a while.

She hugged me again and finally let me be.

I wasn't tired at all.

I did my very best to keep my thoughts out of that box, and I must say I did pretty well, all things considered. I was rapidly learning that my old talent of blanking out my mind was a valuable skill outside of James' house too.

A few hours went by while I laid on my side staring aimlessly around my room. At some point my fingers had found my stomach, the nails digging in a little.

Eventually I started to feel a little better. I rolled over, stiff from my stillness. I stretched, groaning a little. I rolled out of bed, glancing at the clock before going to the bathroom to wash my hands.

It was just about time for dinner and I was grateful for the opportunity to have a distraction that wasn't so hard to come by.

I made my way down the stairs, listening for signs of where everyone else was. I wondered if this was normal and if I would ever be able to stop. I mean, nobody had ever hurt me here, yet I was always on alert for where people were, what they were doing, and how I could avoid them or confront them in the least noticeable way. I didn't consciously think about it usually, but when I realized I was doing it, it became exhausting. With James, I was similarly tense but only at certain times of the day. I knew his routine and I knew when I had to be on guard. At the Cullen's, there were too many people to keep track of.

Diner was fine. Carlisle was gone and Esme didn't bring up the box. I avoided her gaze at all costs though because I didn't want to encourage a conversation like that. Nobody made me talk. I almost _wanted_ to talk, so I could keep my mind out of the box upstairs. I didn't, because of Esme, but I thought about it and that was enough.

After diner, I stood at the bottom of the stairs, looking up. At this point of the night, I usually went up them and went to my room, watching TV or playing around on the piano to pass the time. But tonight I really didn't want to be alone up there. I knew the box in the closet would be too tempting. I wouldn't be able to focus on anything else. I didn't want to open it, or go through it anymore, at least not today. Just the knowledge that it was there was almost too much for me.

So I went to the couch instead, slumping down in the corner. This was ridiculous, really. I couldn't even be by myself, which I would have sworn was only way I could ever be comfortable.

Emmett came in after me, sat next to me, and turned the TV on. He asked me if I was okay, which honestly was beginning to irritate me. Everybody always asked me but I was pretty sure they didn't want an honest assessment. Not that I was going to give them one but if I had told him what I had done yesterday, or today for that matter, he would be seriously uncomfortable. No, he wanted me to say I was fine. So I did. I didn't look at him though. I don't think I had looked at anybody today.

After a few minutes, he gave a frustrated sigh and turned the TV off, standing up. He asked if I wanted to go for a drive, which honestly sounded like a great distraction, if not a stressful event. I agreed.

Emmett drove around in a seemingly directionless path for a while before making some forced conversation with me.

He told me about a beach nearby and headed in that direction.

He asked if I had ever been to a beach. Thinking about it, I couldn't decide. I mean, I knew what a beach was, like I could picture the ocean, waves and sand, but I couldn't actually remember _being_ there. But how would I know what it was if I had never been there? My parents must have taken me at some point, because I don't ever remember seeing pictures or anything about a beach at James'. Besides, I could remember the sound of the waves distinctly, so I must have been there before. I told Emmett as much.

I tried to picture myself at the beach. Playing in the sand or splashing around in the waves with my Dad. I couldn't remember any of it, but I did remember swimming at our neighborhood's pool. I think I liked it. I wonder if I could still do it.

Emmett suggested that we go when the weather warmed up, and immediately I thought that surely I would need to be able to swim to participate in such activities.

"I don't even know if I still know how to swim," I told him honestly. I was pretty sure he wouldn't make fun of me. He never had before.

He didn't this time either. He just offered to teach me if I didn't.

Slowly, I was beginning to realize that Emmett really was on my side. In my limited life experience, I had learned that it was natural for people to want something from you. I mean, I knew some people loved me, but not everyone automatically wanted good things for you. They wanted good things for themselves. Thinking back, I couldn't remember anything Emmett had done to me that was purely for selfish reasons. I think most of the time, anything we did together was meant to be beneficial to me, and that was an odd feeling. He didn't have any reason to be nice to me, and it didn't make a lot of sense. But his actions were the proof I needed.

"Hey, Edward? Do you want to drive?"

I wasn't sure I heard him right. I raised an eyebrow and turned my head slightly to look at him. Pretty sure he was serious.

It _did_ sound kinda fun and I didn't want Emmett to think I was scared, so I said yes immediately.

As soon as I was in the driver's seat and he was giving me instructions, I got a little nervous. Carlisle and Esme had both made it clear I was not supposed to learn to drive from Emmett. Carlisle would teach me. But what harm could it do? I was only a parking lot after all.

Turns out, I _was_ fun. I'm not sure how good I am at driving, but I want to get better. Steering the huge vehicle around in circles made me feel kind of powerful, and that was a good feeling, at least I thought so.

Emmett wanted me to go out onto the road, but that's where I drew the line. I refused to go out where I _knew_ I wasn't allowed, at least until I had some type of permission.

When I was done, Emmett hinted that I should ask Carlisle to teach me for real. The thought of being in a car with him alone while he gave me constant instructions on a potentially dangerous activity sounded like a bad idea to me. I knew he would stress me out and it probably wasn't a good to be distracted while learning something like this.

Just when I was feeling really good about Emmett, he brought up Christmas. Of course, he couldn't leave it alone and pretend like it didn't happen. But he had been good to me so far, and I knew I should return the favor. I answered honestly, telling him that my only Christmas present I had yet to open was so far a disaster.

"What do you mean?" he asked, confused.

I let out a breathy laugh with no real humor behind it and went ahead and told him.

"Your parents gave me a box full of my parent's old stuff."

"Really?" he sounded surprised, obviously he didn't know about it. "And that's bad, I take it?" he asked a little more hesitantly, sounding confused.

I grimaced a little, realizing how maybe a normal person would have simply been happy about all that stuff suddenly appearing when I thought it was all lost.

"Yeah. It's bad."

"They gave it to you yesterday?" he sounded a little irritated.

"Today." I didn't want to talk about yesterday.

"Oh," he sounded relieved. "I was gonna say, what I shitty move giving you something like that on Christmas of all days. But I guess if they had it they had to give it to you right? At least they didn't try to keep it from you." He shrugged.

Again, Emmett amazed me at how he thought immediately of what it meant for me, not anyone else, but me. He saw that I would have been extremely hurt if they had kept it from me, but that it was still hard to have. There was no good answer.

"Dude I still think you need to open your other presents. Like I said, I know what's in some of them and they're gonna be better than the box, I swear."

I shrugged, disagreeing. I just didn't want to open stuff with everybody watching me.

I didn't say it out loud but somehow Emmett seemed to hear it.

"How about when we go home you open them really fast before anyone else comes to watch you. That way there's no pressure. If you hate something you'll have time to fake it."

Laughing, I shook my head at his strategic thought process. Everything was like a game to him. Always trying to beat the system.

When we did get back to the house, it was kind of nice. My mood had greatly improved. I don't know why, nothing we talked about was particularly uplifting, but I just felt better after having talked about some of it. It wasn't such a big deal anymore.

I thought about pretending like I had forgotten about his plan for me opening presents, but decided against it. It was probably the best offer I was gonna get.

When I saw the pile still under the tree, my stomach tightened a little. It was way too much, of course, but what else could I have expected from them?

"There would have been more but Esme wouldn't let me or Alice get you anything. Next year…" he hinted.

Esme already told me this, trying to put less pressure on me. I thought it was rude of me not to reciprocate, but she said it was the parent's job and I could start slow, without Emmett and Alice involved. That way I didn't feel weird about not getting them anything. It still felt weird.

Emmett gave me a little push towards them. I looked around, making sure we were alone. The house was semi dark, the only major source of light coming from the tree that was still light up. I could hear the dishwasher running from the kitchen and the faint sounds of a TV on upstairs, but that was it.

Slowly, I sat in front of my pile, getting ready. I glanced at Emmett, wishing he wouldn't watch me with such an amused expression.

Immediately, he stopped and reached for the remote, plopping down on the couch and leaving me to my own devices, yet still being there so I wasn't doing something like this alone.

Tearing open the paper brought back weird memories. It was déjà vu again and I didn't particularly like the sensation.

It started off slowly, some clothes and books, then a pair of running shoes. Then I opened an iPod, which made me a little dizzy. It looked expensive.

"That's the only thing she let me help with. I set up your iTunes for you, it's ready to go. You're about to be musically educated," Emmett said with a smile in his voice.

"Thanks?" I questioned, not really sure of what to make of all this stuff. I didn't have any experience with it and I wouldn't even know where to begin with music. It wasn't something I would have thought I wanted, but maybe I did.

The next present I opened was weird. It wasn't something I thought I needed or even could use, and I didn't understand why I had gotten it.

I held up a small box labeled as a phone charger for a car. I looked at Emmett. His face, which had once again been an amused smile, dropped.

"Oh. Shit. Well, I didn't know what was in that. You probably were supposed to open the other one first…." He hopped up and took two steps over to me, picking up a small box which was the only other present left.

"Surprise?" he said.

It wasn't really a surprise though, because I was still very confused.

When the ring of keys fell onto my lap, I still didn't get it.

"Told you these were good presents."

"Wait, what?" They wouldn't have, would they?

"Now you have to get your license. You wouldn't want a nice car to go to waste, would you?"

I threw the keys back on the floor, near Emmett's feet. He laughed.

"Oh, no you don't. The damage is done, it's in the garage."

"Oh my god," I muttered, feeling sick. I put my head in my hands and shook it back and forth, aghast at what these people thought was a good idea.

"Dude, this was not the reaction I was expecting. Do you want me to show you what you should be doing?" he was laughing at me, and I didn't think it was funny. I looked to him, eyebrows raised and exasperated.

He nodded before changing his face into some type of exaggerated disbelief and throwing his hands in the air.

"Oh my god, no way! A car? For me?! I don't fucking believe it!" and he jumped up and down a few times before grabbing the keys and running for the garage, looking like a crazed little kid the entire time.

As shocked and stressed as I was, I had to laugh at his antics. I hopped up after him, following him to the garage.

I found him sprawled out over the hood of a small, silver car at the opposite side of the garage, his hands reverently touching its surface.

When I walked over to him, he snapped out of it.

"Alright, now it's your turn to freak out. Go." He stood back and waved his arms towards the car.

I shook my head, smiling and crossing my arms over my chest. He and his parents were both insane.

I focused back on the car and my smile faded quickly. I felt seriously sick to my stomach thinking about how much this cost them. I didn't even know how to drive, why would I ever need such an extravagant gift?

"Come on, get it," Emmett insisted. I liked the idea of sitting, so I went for the passenger door. "Nooo, no, no, no." He grabbed my sleeve and pulled me to the driver's seat, opening the door and pushing me in. _He_ ran over to the passenger, sliding in next to me. Next, he reached over and put the keys in the ignition, turning them just until the lights on the dash clicked on.

"Well?" he asked, already busy pressing buttons and adjusting things on his side.

"It's insane….like…like really insane. I don't even…," I babbled, finding it a little hard to breathe in here. Of course, the inside was beautiful, black and shiny and all fancy and I didn't deserve any of it. I didn't want to touch anything, afraid I would mess it up.

"It's not that crazy. You need to learn to drive, you need a car to drive in. Why not?"

"It's expensive, that's why," I told him, exasperated. He really didn't see that?

"It's a Christmas present," he shrugged it off. "They make plenty of money and want you to have it. Don't worry about it."

"You're all crazy, I swear," I muttered. He laughed a deep, throaty laugh, truly amused.

Right then, Esme entered the garage. Instinctually, I reached for the car door, ready to jump out. Emmett grabbed my arm, keeping me inside the vehicle, even though I didn't feel like I belonged here at all.

Instead, he rolled down his window, waving her over to us.

"I wondered what all the commotion was about. I see you finally got to your presents?" she asked me, leaning over to look in the window at us.

"Giving him presents is like pulling teeth, I swear," Emmett told her.

"Well, what do you think?" Esme asked.

I didn't know what to say at all. I was at a complete loss and all I could do was shake my head and stare at my surroundings.

"He loves it," Emmett reassured her confidently. "He just needs some time to bond with her."

"Oh, it's a her, huh?" she asked, sounding amused.

"Obviously Edward gets to name her, but yeah, I'm getting a her vibe for sure," he nodded.

No matter how much small talk they made, it didn't change anything and I was still freaking out.

"Edward?" Esme sounded concerned now, picking up on my discomfort.

Looking at her, I wondered what went through their minds when deciding that they would buy this for me. I had no idea why they would care so much as to make sure an extravagant purchase when I didn't even _need_ it.

"It's way too much. Honestly, I don't need it. You should take it back." I swallowed, suddenly very thirsty.

"We want you to have it. It's not too much. This way you can learn to drive in your own car and when you're ready, you can take it out and enjoy it on your own."

I shook my head, unconvinced. I didn't even need to drive at all. Where would I go?

"They already bought me and Alice cars, you were going to need one eventually anyway. It's only fair," Emmett pointed out. But _I_ wasn't really their kid, and they didn't really need to spend this type of money on me.

"I have an idea. I think Carlisle would love it if you would let him teach you how to drive. That would more than pay him back for this. It would mean a lot to him."

As much as that activity itself sounded awful to me, the whole idea was probably a good one. It was something I could do and if it really would mean that much to him, I would do it.

I nodded my head, agreeing. It didn't seem like enough, but if it was all I could do, then I had to.

"Really? He'll be so pleased, Edward."

"Can I come?" Emmett asked, almost begging.

"Ask Carlisle, but you can probably sit in the backseat. If you're quiet and let them focus."

That would make it easier. I was relieved immediately I wouldn't be alone for so long with Carlisle. And Emmett had already proven to be a pretty good teacher. Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea.

Tuesday, December 28th

The days after Christmas continued to improve. Once I got over the car shock, the holiday was pretty much over and forgotten, so life got back to normal for the most part.

Emmett had gotten me to go out for another run with him and while I still felt like I was about to die about half way through, it was a nice feeling. Being outside, moving around, doing something normal, all of it was good.

I had another piano lesson, which also went well, despite me being nervous the whole time. My teacher was really good though, she gave me homework and tips on what to work on when she wasn't with me. I felt like I was actually making progress on something, which was a new feeling.

The box in my closet stayed in my closet. Whenever I was in my room, I thought about it, but never opened it. On one hand I wished they hadn't showed it to me. It was stressful knowing it was there and wondering what all of it meant, but on the other hand, one day I would probably be grateful for it.

Its presence had made me spend more time out of my room either way, which was sort of a good thing. Me and Emmett hung out pretty much every night, watching TV or playing video games.

On Monday, we ended up playing a board game with Alice and Esme. I didn't want to at first, worrying I would be the only one that didn't know how to play and would slow everyone else down. Luckily, it was something Esme had gotten for Christmas and nobody knew how to play. I caught on quickly and it ended up being a fun evening with everyone.

Esme said they used to play games like this all the time when Emmett and Alice were little. I couldn't help but suspect it was only because of me that they were doing it now. They were trying to find ways that I could participate. The options were kind of limited seeing as how I didn't really want to leave the house and I didn't want to talk that much. I appreciated the effort but the whole thing was a bit sad. Or pathetic. Or both. I don't know, I tried to make myself stop thinking about their motives all the time but sometimes it was hard.

When Carlisle got home later that night and we sat around eating dinner, Esme told him about the car. As she had predicted, Carlisle was thrilled when she told him I had agreed to let him teach me to drive. It was obvious he tried to pretend it wasn't a big deal. Clearly he was very excited because the smile didn't leave his face for several minutes after, even though the conversation had moved on to other topics.

Alice had given me her book to study from for the driving permit test. I spent basically the whole day on Monday reading it. Esme and Emmett were going to take me to take the test of Wednesday. To say I was nervous was a serious understatement, but I wanted to do this. Not only had I already told everyone I would and I didn't want to chicken out, but it was apparent to me the Carlisle would be seriously disappointed if I didn't let him help me with this. A nicely sized shot of guilt went through me when I realized how much I avoided him and that maybe I hadn't been as sneaky as I thought. I needed to pay him back with this.

So here I was, sitting on the couches in the living room with Emmett as he quizzed me one last time before bed. I could easily have done it myself, but he insisted on helping me.

"When you see a school bus on a road with 2 lanes traveling in opposite directions, when must you stop?"

"In either lane, if the red lights on the bus are flashing."

"Duh. Next, if you operate a motor vehicle registered in Washington State, you must have what?"

"Liability insurance and carry an ID card proving that you have it."

"Dude, this test is easy. You read the whole book, you're going to ace it." He flipped the small book closed, tossing it back over to me and sitting up, stretching.

"Are you sure? I mean, I've hardly been in a car and I've never really paid attention to traffic laws or anything." I was completely unconfident in my ability to do this. Emmett's lack of concern worried me.

"Nobody pays attention to traffic when they're not driving. Trust me, you'll be fine. I didn't even open the book until I was in line at the place and I did totally fine. Besides, you only have to get an 80 percent. Stop worrying."

It definitely wasn't that easy. I couldn't stop thinking about it. Not just the test, but all the people that would surely be there and I would have to talk to.

"Relax, think about something else," he suggested. He flipped on the TV, volume low while he flipped through the guide for something good. "I talked to Sarah for a bit as she was leaving the other day. I didn't realize she was doing your piano lessons."

The sudden change in topic threw me a little, but I appreciated the distraction.

I nodded, not knowing where he was going with this.

"She's older than us but I used to see her around the reservation when we hung out with Jake. She's pretty cool."

I nodded again.

"She's kinda hot now too. Don't you think?" he asked, not looking at me but at the show titles he was flipping through. Good thing because my face instantly went red.

"Yeah, she's…nice," I told him, having no idea how to respond to his question.

He chuckled a little. "Yeah, I know she's _nice_, but do you _like_ her? That would be such a great cliché, having a thing for your piano tutor." He smiled at the picture he'd created.

"Oh…I uh, I don't know," I stuttered out, not sure what to say.

"You don't know?"

"I just didn't think about it."

I didn't want to talk about this. I had no idea how to have a conversation like this and I felt like Emmett was pressuring me into talking about it and I had no idea why he wanted to know.

"How would you _not_ think about it? I mean, she's sitting like right next to you. Wouldn't you-"

"I don't know, I just didn't," I snapped at him, sounding more aggravated than I meant to. Emmett's eyes snapped towards me, shock evident.

"Sorry," I mumbled, embarrassed. Except I wasn't sorry. Why was he pushing me like that when I obviously didn't want to talk about it? It wasn't like him.

"No, sorry I brought it up," he told me hesitantly, looking back at the TV.

As much as I wanted to ignore the whole thing, I couldn't. There was an awkward tension in the room now. It bothered me that I had caused it. I was still mad though. And the more I thought about it, the stupider it seemed, not my reaction, but my lack of ability to answer his questions like normal teenage boy. I didn't even know how to fake it.

Irritated beyond belief, I got up, shoving the couch pillow from my lap in Emmett's direction. I headed towards the stairs quickly, not looking back at him.

"Edward, I'm sorry I said anything, we were just talking." He sounded confused and exasperated. To tell the truth I was too.

I didn't slow down, didn't look back at him. "Just…never mind," I said, shaking my head at my irrationality.

I got to my room and pushed the door shut a little harder than I meant to. I was breathing heavily. I flipped all the lights on and looked around my room. It was spotless, as usual, but I felt the need to fix something. I needed something productive to do with my hands. I went to the bookshelf, straightening things that didn't need straightening and then my desk, opening drawers and rearranging things until they were back in their original spot.

After doing much the same to the pillows on my bed, I shook my head, trying to snap out of it. I went to the bathroom, stripping my shirt off and starting the shower. I brushed my teeth and washed my hands, wiping down the counter around the sink when I was done. It was a stupid, mindless action that somehow made me feel a little better.

Taking the rest of my clothes off, I stepped into the hot shower, letting the water burn my skin. I washed at an almost frantic pace, focusing on my movements. When I had nothing left to do, the thoughts of what just happened were waiting just beneath the surface, ready to consume me as soon as I let them.

Standing under the hot water, the reason behind my reaction hit me full force. All Emmett had done was ask about a girl. My _feelings_, or lack thereof, for said girl. And yeah, I should have made something up, but the truth was, the whole subject had been weighing on my mind lately.

I knew it was normal. I saw it on TV, I read about it in books, and recently I saw it through Alice and Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie, and even the little interaction I had with Jacob and Bella. I knew it was normal and something that should be happening to me. Liking girls, dating girls, whatever. I know I hadn't actually _met_ that many girls, but I watched TV and I paid attention when I went out and stuff. I was pretty sure there should be something there, I should feel something or they should at least get my attention. None of that had happened. At all.

It was just another thing that was weird about me. Another thing I had to worry about. Was I so messed up that part of me was broken or lost or just turned off? Would I never feel something like that for someone? It scared me, not because it was something I thought I should have to be like other people, but because I didn't want to end up alone.

I liked my privacy and space, I knew that. But being alone for the rest of my life was scary.

I hadn't ever thought about any of it before, not really. I mean, I was only a kid and when I was with James, it wasn't exactly something my mind wandered to. But now that I was here, I saw it every day. Carlisle and Esme for one. They obviously loved each other. Would I ever be able to have anything like that? I couldn't imagine how.

It wasn't like I thought I was ready for something like that anyway, but the fact that I might never have it was what worried me.

I didn't want to end up like James. He was alone. I knew that's why he took me. He didn't want to be lonely. That was at least a small part of it. Even when he had me, I knew he was still secluded from the rest of the world. Nobody wanted to be with him, and the only way he could have anybody was to physically take me. He was desperate and the thought of being like that was terrifying.

Emmett bringing up a girl like that…it scared me. Him saying that just confirmed for me that I _should_ be thinking like that. It was expected of a teenager. But I didn't feel anything for Sarah. In fact, I hadn't even considered it. Picturing her now, I guess she was pretty. Boys probably were attracted to her. I just didn't really know what that was supposed to be like.

And admitting to him that I didn't know or hadn't thought about it was basically showing him what a freak I was. He probably thought it was really weird that I didn't like her.

Maybe it was just going to take time. I hadn't really been here that long, even though I felt like I had lived so much more than I had the whole time at James' house. Maybe someday, it would just come naturally. Or maybe it wouldn't. How would I ever know?

I needed to pay more attention, I guess. Maybe I was just being antisocial. If I paid attention to other people more, maybe I would notice more things. Maybe I would be okay if I just tried a little harder.

The water turning cold alerted me that I had been in the shower way too long. If I had done that with James, there would have been hell to pay. Not that I ever really had a chance to waste time in the shower like this.

I turned the water off, climbing out and drying myself off before dressing in pajamas. When I was laying in my bed, trying to sleep, I realized I had left my book downstairs. I wished I had it. I could study, take my mind off things.

It was funny how an hour ago, I had been so nervous about taking my test, and now I was nervous about something completely different. The test seemed like nothing now.

Originally I had wanted Emmett to come with me when I took it. I wanted him to be there, because as unexplainable as it sounded, he calmed me down and comforted me in a strange way that nobody else had been able to do. But now? Now it was going to be weird with him again. Maybe it would be better if he didn't come with me. Yeah, it would be less awkward and maybe I could pretend it didn't happen for a little while longer, but honestly? However awkward it would be, I wanted him to be there. He distracted me and seemed to be the only one who knew what I was thinking or what to do when I freaked out. If the test didn't go well, I knew I would want him there. It didn't matter that I had snapped at him. Thankfully, I knew he would tell me to forget about it and help me through this potentially disastrous day ahead.

With that comforting thought, I finally managed to fall asleep, hoping I could not make a fool out of myself come morning.


	19. Chapter 19

**AN: Whoa, watch out. Two chaps in a week. I know, crazy stuff. This is another long one too. I thought about making it into two, but decided it really fit together this way and why not, right? Thanks for everyone who stuck with me. Enjoy the chapter and let me know what you think. **

EPOV

Wednesday, December 29th

Like I knew he would, Emmett said nothing about my little fit from the night before. Esme wanted to leave the house at 7:30, early enough to beat some of the crowd, she said. That wasn't a problem for me at all, but Emmett was a different story.

When I came down for breakfast around 7, Esme was there drinking coffee, but no Emmett. I had started to think he wasn't going to come, until about three minutes before were supposed to leave he shuffled into the room, looking rumpled and the least energetic I'd ever seen him.

He said nothing and got a cup of coffee. I had never seen him drink coffee before. I felt a little bad because clearly I made him get up extra early on one of his days off. But then again, he didn't have to come. He volunteered, insisted he wanted to even, so I tried to push it out of my mind.

I found my study book on the couch where I had left it the night before. Before heading out the door, I grabbed it for the car. I saw Emmett rolling his eyes.

Emmett yelled "shotgun!" and jumped in the front seat. Upon seeing the confused look on my face, Esme patted my arm and got into the driver's seat, leaving the back for me.

"I don't think the rules of shotgun are quite fair unless everyone is fully informed," she told Emmett, clueing him in with her own kind way that I was completely lost.

"The rules of shotgun are always in effect. But I guess it's only fair." He turned to look at me, a serious expression on his face. I wondered if this would be on the test. "Once the car in question is in sight, the first to yell shotgun gets the front seat. Doesn't matter if somebody else _gets_ to the car first, whoever calls it, wins."

"Oh," I said simply, understanding it was a game. "I don't mind the back."

"That's not the point though." He shook his head.

"Then what's the point?" I asked, confused once more.

He was about to answer but Esme interrupted him as she pulled out of the driveway. "I think the point is, in fact, winning. Am I correct dear?"

Emmett grumbled and crossed his arms. I suppressed a laugh at his childish ways. I was just glad he wasn't mad about last night.

"Don't be nervous," Esme told me as we pulled into a parking lot. I hadn't joined in their conversation at all on the ride over and the quiet from the backseat must have told her more than I thought. "You'll do just fine, I'm sure of it."

Inside the little building, there was a counter with a few workers at the back of the room and a roped off line winding up to them. There were a few chairs by the window and an open door leading to another room. Even though the place had just opened five minutes ago, somehow there were already several people in line in front of us.

Esme and Emmett both stood in line with me. I was nervously shuffling my feet and playing with the strings of my jacket, winding them tightly around my fingers, until Emmett slapped my hands away and bumped my foot with his.

After a short wait we got to the front of the line, where Esme took over. I stood next to her while Emmett hung back.

The older man at the counter started asking for all these things I didn't have. A social security card, a photo ID, and forms, none of which I had known about. I was just focused on the test. Luckily, Esme was way ahead of me. She handed him all the necessary papers, explaining that I didn't have a photo ID but she had both my birth certificate and social security card. They were apparently sufficient.

While the man was tapping away at his computer, I looked over at her, amazed that she had handled all of that so efficiently and wondering how she had gotten all of my stuff. She told me quietly that all of my lost papers had been replaced in Seattle and given to her and Carlisle, as my guardians.

I felt stupid that I hadn't already thought about all of those things. Did I think they were just going to magically give me a new ID?

Lost in my thoughts, I was alarmed when the man said I could go in the back room for the test. It had happened so fast. I looked at Emmett.

"Relax. Take some deep breathes." He did a few sample ones, exaggerated with his arms motioning in large, wavelike circles, clearly making fun of me. I shoved his shoulder, rolling my eyes and cracking a small smile.

Esme pointed me into the doorway of the other room. I went in that direction, leaving the other two behind. Once I was out of their sight, I felt a little nauseous but at the same time had a satisfied, accomplished feeling. I had never been alone in public like this. Well, aloneish. I mean, they were like twenty feet away. But still.

This room was similar to the first with another counter which was lower with a lady sitting behind it. Also there were few chairs along the edges of the room and a long table with a few computers.

The man from the counter met me and told me to sit at one of the five computers.

"Follow the instructions, go to the counter when you're finished. Hand her this form." He gave me a yellow paper. He sounded bored. I nodded quickly and he was gone.

I sat, waking the computer up before clicking begin and following the directions on the screen. It seemed pretty simple. Twenty easy questions later, I hit finished and got up, walking over to the lady. Nervous about what I would have to answer for her, I stood awkwardly as I slid over the paper. She was clicking buttons on her computer, not even looking at me.

"You only missed one. Sign this screen." She tapped a tiny computer looking thing and handed me a weird looking pen. I signed my name in the box. It was sloppy and weird looking due to lack of practice and use, but she didn't say anything. She still didn't even look at me.

"Okay, sit in that chair," she said while pointing to the chair in front of her computer. "I'm going to take your picture." I looked up, surprised. I spotted the tiny camera just in time to sit up straighter and attempt a smile. It was probably more of a grimace. "Three, two…" There was a flask and that was it.

"You can wait outside, it'll take a few minutes to print."

The fact that she had obviously read my name and seen my face, together, and didn't say a thing about _me_ being who I was, meant more to me than anything else I could possibly accomplish today. Not everyone knew who I was, I could go in public and not be talked about, or followed, or whatever. Even if she did know, she didn't care enough or was nice enough not to say anything. It was such a relief.

I found Emmett and Esme waiting for me on some of the seats by the window.

"Well?" she asked, sounding much more nervous than when I went in.

"It's printing," I said, trying to hide my smile.

Esme immediately got up and pulled me into a hug, saying she was proud of me.

I glanced at Emmett, a little embarrassed, but he was smiling widely too.

As much as I felt like this shouldn't be a big deal, and it really wasn't now that it was over, it was evidence of how much I had changed in a short amount of time. A month ago I would never have done this, and now I was learning that it wasn't so hard at all. I had pictured driving as something far off and impossible for me. Too many obstacles had been in my way. Now there weren't any. I had a car to drive, I had a permit, and I had accepted Carlisle's help in teaching me. All of those things seemed like nothing now, instead of the huge mountains they had been from the other side.

Emmett wanted me to drive home, which Esme thankfully did not allow. Instead, she insisted we go out to breakfast to celebrate.

Normally that would have me freaking out, but I was feeling pretty good today. I could do breakfast.

And I _was_ fine, until we were sitting in a little booth in a diner, looking at menus. I hadn't been to a restaurant like this and I didn't really know what to do. How did this work? I looked around, trying to get my bearings a little.

My hands had gotten sweaty all of a sudden and I could feel my breathing picking up. I wiped my palms on my jeans, trying to pull myself together. Just when I had decided I would just do everything Emmett did, he came to my rescue.

"Do you like French toast?"

"Uh…I guess." I didn't really know.

"They have the best French toast, ever. Get it," he instructed.

"Edward can get whatever he wants, don't be so bossy Emmett," Esme scolded.

"No, that sounds really good." I nodded, closing my menu and putting it down, relieved that I wouldn't have to figure out an acceptable breakfast food on my own.

The lady came to take our order and I just Emmett's lead, ordering orange juice and French toast. I felt extremely awkward but I don't think it was that noticeable to other people. Next time I would be better.

While we waited for our food, Esme asked Emmett some questions about school and if he was preparing for finals. Apparently they were shortly after classes resumed. Emmett grumbled about having to study on break but it reminded me that I would get to start my own 'classes' soon enough. It was something I was really looking forward too, even though it meant that I wouldn't have Emmett around during the day to entertain me. It would be weird not having him around all the time.

"At least you still have New Year's Eve before everything starts again."

"Oh, right. I was supposed to ask you, Edward. There's a party Friday night at Bella's for New Years. Me and Alice were planning on going, she invited you."

My face heated up, I don't know why, and I looked at my lap, uncomfortable.

"It'll just be a small thing. Nothing crazy, I swear. Her dad always works the overnight so the house is empty. But I mean, her dad _is_ a cop, so it's not like anything wild happens." He laughed. Slightly uncomfortably.

I thought about it for about three seconds before I decided that was about the last thing I wanted to do. While I didn't mind their friends, actually sometimes enjoyed being with them, I didn't think I was ready to go to somebody's house, late at night with no way of leaving. I was pretty sure that was a sure way to send me into some type of freak out and I definitely didn't want to ruin a holiday with their friends like that.

"So, will you come?" Emmett asked, somewhat hopeful.

Not sure how to refuse politely, I just shook my head, trying to smile apologetically while avoiding all eye contact. They were silent for a minute. I was pretty sure they had exchanged some type of look.

"Are you sure? You know you wouldn't have to stay the whole time. You could go for a few hours and I could come pick you up whenever you wanted," Esme offered.

Yeah, great, that was _so_ much better. Just make it extra obvious that I was a freak and that I have to get picked up before my bedtime, no thanks.

I shook my head, more strongly this time.

"Well if you change your mind, the offer still stands. We do it every year, it'll be fun." Emmett was obviously trying to make it sound more appealing but there was nothing he could say to change my mind. I would much rather stay home and do something easy.

By the time I had finished my food, I was completely stuffed. Emmett seemed much the same but when Esme didn't finish her eggs, he ate those too. Esme paid and then we finally headed home.

When we were in sight of the car, I remembered Emmett's little game and took my chance to beat him. He wasn't paying attention, so I said, "shotgun," not as loudly or dramatically as he had, but still enough to get the point across.

He stopped walking and looked at me. At first I thought he was mad, but then I heard Esme's laughter and realized if he was angry, it was only because I had beat him at his own game. He tried to keep a straight face but pretty soon he failed and he was laughing along with his mom.

"That's totally not fair. You said you liked the backseat better," Emmett complained.

"But you said the rules were always in effect," I told him innocently. He laughed even harder at this, seemingly pleased that I was playing along after all.

Smiling, I climbed into the front seat, pleased with the day's work.

My happiness lasted exactly as long as it took Esme to remind me about my appointment with Dr. Garrison for later that day.

I hadn't seen her for the past week and I felt like surely I would have to make up for it today. A lot of shit had happened in the days since I had seen her. I knew either Esme or Carlisle talked to her on a regular basis, updating her on what had happened with me in the past days, because she always knew before I told her.

I was expecting her to lecture me on my midnight walk through the woods, but when I sat down across from her, she took a completely different strategy.

"I'd like to start something new today, if that's okay with you."

"Okay…" I said hesitantly.

Instead of explaining, she asked me, "Why do you think I want you to talk about James?"

We had gone over this before, so I knew the answer she was looking for. "Because, or else I won't ever deal with what happened."

"And why is that a bad option?"

"Um…because I won't get better if I ignore it."

"And you want to feel better, right?"

I saw where she was going and didn't really like it.

"I guess so."

"So you'll be okay with starting to work though some things you haven't talk about yet? About your time at his home, I mean."

I scratched my head, thinking about what she said. We both knew I didn't want to. The easy thing to do would be to refuse, but then I knew she would talk to me about Christmas. And that was probably easier, but like she said, I had to start this sometime. I felt like so far she had just been testing me, seeing how I would react to different things. It didn't really seem like she had actually started with what she really wanted to do. And that was inevitable. So I nodded. I was having a pretty good day, and maybe I would be able to stay on track and deal with this stuff in a positive way. If I could do that, I wouldn't have to feel so shitty about these meetings all the time. There would be hope that they wouldn't all be awful and make me feel like shit.

"That's great, Edward. I would imagine talking about James seem a bit overwhelming, am I right?"

I nodded, glad she saw that. "I have no idea where to start." It was eight years' worth of material. How would I narrow it down enough to have something to talk about for an hour?

"Well how about we start at the end, instead of the beginning. You remember the end the best I would imagine. You can tell me about it while it's still fresh in your mind."

"What about it?" I already was feeling a little anxious. Trying to decide what to share and what I needed to keep to myself would be difficult.

"Tell me about the day you escaped from him. That was one of the most important days of your life, don't you agree?"

I shrugged.

"Tell me what happened when you woke up that morning."

"Nothing different. It was just like every other day."

"But it wasn't a regular day. Take me through what happened."

Sighing, I resigned myself to doing what she asked. Going through the day in my head was something I tried not to do, but if she thought it was a good idea, it was worth a shot. It wouldn't be so bad. I had lived the real thing, after all.

"I woke up before he did. He always got mad if I was asleep when he came to get me."

"Came to get you?"

"Yeah, before he went to work, he would come and get me so I could go to the bathroom, brush my teeth, and shower if he had time."

"Only if he had time? Why was that?"

I swallowed, knowing this was where it would get sticky. Already. Not that I ever made much eye contact with her, but I made sure to pick a spot on the ground so I didn't have to look at her when I told her.

"He never let me shower alone. He was always in the bathroom, whenever I was."

"Why do you think he did that?"

"I don't know why he did it at first. But when I was older, he was afraid I would try to leave. He would get ready for work while I showered, shaving and brushing his teeth and stuff. I only had a couple minutes, so sometimes he wouldn't let me if he didn't have much time."

"Did he let you that morning?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. What happened next?"

"Nothing really. He brought me back to my room. I got dressed. I went back to sleep for a while, probably."

Thinking about getting dressed at his house almost made me laugh now. My clothes would make Alice cry. I didn't have many, and the shirts and pants he did bring me were used, I don't know where he got them. I didn't care at the time. It didn't matter what I had on. Just as long as I had something. I had this one sweatshirt. It was just solid red, nothing on the front like the ones my parents bought me. I remember when he gave it to me, it was so big on me. But I grew into it and by the time I left, it was getting too small. I wore it every day though, glad I had something to keep me warm besides the blankets. I hadn't thought about it since I left, but now that I remembered, I kind of missed it.

"I don't really remember what I did all day. I didn't realize anything special was going to happen that day."

"What did you do to pass the time usually?"

"I had books. He brought them sometimes, just some old books somebody gave him, but I read them a lot. And my school books. I went through those all the time. I slept a lot. As much as I could, usually. I had notebooks and stuff that he brought me, I used to draw in them. Sometimes I'd just lay around and think." Or try _not_ to think, more accurately.

"Did you get breakfast?" she asked me, sounding casual. It didn't sound like she was asking to be judgmental. Like she wasn't asking if I was fed on a regular basis.

"Yeah. Usually. He brought like cereal or bread, like bagels and toast and stuff. Whatever he had time to do."

"What about drinks?"

I shook my head, explaining. "He kept these big plastic containers in my room with water in them so he didn't have to keep bringing me stuff."

"I see. So you were alone in your room until when? What happened after that?"

I scratched my head and thought about her question. To be honest, I didn't remember everything about that day. You would think that it would be pretty engrained in my mind, but not really. I think because I hadn't thought about it hardly at all, some of it was lost. The major points were still crystal clear though.

"I don't remember everything specifically. He usually came home, probably around five or six, I never paid attention to time. At the beginning, he would come upstairs and take me to the bathroom, then bring me dinner later. But I always stayed in my room. But when I was older he let me out of my room when he got home from work. Not always. But he did that night. He'd come and unlock my door and wait for me to go downstairs in front of him. He'd always have the front door locked already and I never saw the blinds open downstairs."

"What did you do when you were downstairs?"

Shaking my head, I told her, "Not much. Usually we just ate dinner. Then he'd either say I could clean up the mess or go back to my room." He had always said it like a joke. Like it was funny to give me options like that, because I didn't really want either, so he made me pick between two bad options.

"Which did you choose that night?"

"I always cleaned the kitchen. I didn't mind it. It was something to do to pass the time, which I knew I didn't have in my room. I spent as much time out of it as possible." It wasn't ever that much time, maybe an hour or two, but it broke up the routine, and that's what mattered. Until it became routine too, but it was still good to move around.

"Afterwards, sometimes he let me watch TV with him for a while. Other times I went back to my room."

The silence was almost buzzing with what I didn't say. We both knew what happened after I went back to my room.

"What was different that night?" she asked softly.

"I was in the kitchen. I thought he was on the couch, I could hear the TV on. I went to get something from the counter, to bring it to the sink. I don't know why, but for some reason, I looked up at the door. I always tried not to look at it. I knew he got mad about stuff like that. But I did, and it was unlocked."

What made me sick about this whole thing was that if James wasn't standing there when I looked up, I probably wouldn't have done anything. I probably would have pretended I didn't notice, for fear of getting in trouble. I sometimes wondered about if he had ever left the door open before. I never looked at it, so it was entirely possible that it wasn't the first time he had forgotten. But I didn't look, I didn't even try.

"What did you do then?"

"I didn't do anything. I didn't know what to do, but before I had time to think, James was there. He must have been coming back to get something from the kitchen. He was staring at me, really mad."

"Did he say anything?"

"No, he never talked much at all. He just picked up this plate. I didn't even move towards the door. He just assumed I would go for it. So he hit me." I couldn't believe I was telling her all of this, but I seemed to have some momentum now and I didn't want to stop. I kept going, talking fast and a little out of breath. "He did it really hard. He hit me before, but never like that and it scared me. I think I was unconscious for a second. It just shocked me that he hit me so hard and I don't think I even thought about it, but I hit him back. And I think it was really hard too, because he fell and he didn't move and it scared me even more. I knew he had been drinking and that's the only time he got violent. I didn't want him to be mad at me and I knew it would be really bad when he woke up. So I ran."

"You ran out the unlocked door," she repeated. I nodded. "That was the first time you had ever been outside that house, correct?"

I nodded.

"That took a great deal of courage."

I looked up at her for the first time, surprised and confused at what she said. I had been thinking the exact opposite, how pathetic it was that I had never been able to try it before. Her face only conveyed honesty though, like she really meant it.

"But I should have tried to leave earlier," I mumbled, looking away again.

"Why didn't you?"

"I don't know…I was just scared I guess."

"Scared of what?"

"Of him."

"What do you think he would have done to you?"

I shrugged. "Don't know. He usually just got mad and yelled, but for a lot less. If he had caught me trying to leave…he probably would have hit me even if he wasn't drinking, to start."

"So you were protecting yourself by following his direction."

"But I should have risked it. I mean, that was the first time I had ever even tried. Maybe I could have gotten out a long time ago. I never even checked the door, maybe he forgot all the time and I just happened to notice that day."

"If James hadn't seen you, hadn't hurt you when he saw what you were doing, would you have ran?" she asked, her head tilted in interest

"I don't know. Probably not," I said shamefully.

"Why not?"

I had to think about it, but I was honest when I answered. "Because nothing would have changed. I could have pretended everything was normal. I didn't know how to leave, or what to do when I left."

"And you think that's something to be ashamed about?"

"How can I blame him for keeping me there when I wouldn't leave?" I wondered, a little desperately. Putting it all in words like this really made me realize I should have acted sooner. I should have done something, not just sat there and let it happen. I was disgusted with myself, now that I knew what would have happened had I gotten out sooner. I would have had a home to go to, I would have been fed and clothed and safe. Those were all mysteries before, I didn't know if I would have them. Where would I go if I _did_ get out? I didn't' know, so why would I leave to go someplace even worse?

"What James made you do, forcing you to stay in his house, was not your decision or under your control. After eight years, it's completely reasonable to be intimidated by the thought of leaving his house. Despite the many negative things that happened there, you knew you could survive, you knew how to act and what to do in order to get by. Being afraid to leave that is a very rational way to look at your situation."

"But if I had left earlier, I could have stopped it and I could be so different. If I had gotten out sooner, I could be normal. I would have had so much more time to fix this."

As much as she tried to rationalize my decisions to make me feel better about them, I could only see my way. If I had escaped right after it happened, I might not even remember it. I've basically ruined my life, all because I was too scared to risk running from him.

"You have time to fix it now. You have all the time in the world," she pointed out. That may be true, but I still had eight years less than what I should have had.

Seeing my disagreement, she continued. "Do you honestly believe you could have made it out of his house that much sooner? He's a fully grown, military trained man, and you were a child."

"I don't know. But I didn't even try."

"You were protecting yourself. You did the right thing. Obeying him and keeping yourself safe was the only way to make it to where you were that day, when you finally had the chance and were capable of running, and succeeding."

I shrugged, still thinking that I would never know how much pain I could have avoided, but I knew I had other chances. A single day in his house seemed like an eternity now, and avoiding any one of them would have been a blessing.

"There's no use dwelling on things you will never be able to know or change. Don't you think he's taken enough of your time?"

I nodded, agreeing for once.

"Accepting what has happened won't be easy, Edward. But one day, you'll be able to do so and when you can, you'll be able to put it behind you."

How would I ever be able to accept this? It would never be okay. I would never forgive him. I didn't say anything.

"Tell me about this morning." She completely changed topics, smiling at me to continue. Obviously she knew what I had done with Esme.

"I got my driver's permit," I mumbled. The high from this morning was completely lost on me now. She had killed my mood. It took less than an hour to ruin my day.

"That's fantastic, Edward. Its real progress, a big step towards independence."

I shrugged, not very excited about it right at that moment.

"Are you looking forward to learning?"

"I guess so."

"You should try to see this as what it is, a huge step in the right direction. You took the initiative and did something for yourself. That's great progress from the boy that was afraid to leave James' house just a few months ago, don't you think?"

When she put it that way, I saw her point. It was a big leap forward from the person I had been not that long ago. It was hard to imagine myself changing that much, I thought I would always be the same person he had made me. But maybe I could change, and maybe it wasn't that hard to start.

Later that night, Esme and Carlisle announced that they were going out to dinner. Apparently Carlisle had to work the overnight on New Year's, so they were going to celebrate early.

She offered to order us pizza, but Alice said she felt like cooking. So after they left, I found myself in the kitchen with her and Emmett. They had apparently made up, because he was teasing her about being too short to reach the top cabinet.

"Just help me!" she whined, standing on one foot as she reached up to the third shelf.

"I don't know…not sure if I want to give up this power." Emmett pretended to be debating as he sat casually on the bar stool next to me, watching her struggle.

"Fine." Alice gave up trying to reach. She put both hands on the edge, hoisting herself up to kneel on her knees on the counter top.

Emmett immediately hopped up and grabbed her around the waist, pulling her off the counter.

"I don't think so, little one. I am' the top shelf master." While holding his sister, he grabbed the box of seasoning she was after and holding it out for her. She grabbed the single little bottle she was after and huffed, irritated at the trouble he was causing.

Emmett put the box down and finally set her down, patting her on the head. She playfully shoved his chest away from her, turning back to the skillet of chicken that was sizzling away.

Emmett returned to his seat, a smile on his face. Obviously he was pleased that their fight had ended.

The three of us spent the next half hour or so sitting around the kitchen, talking and waiting for dinner to be ready. Of course, they did most of the talking, but I joined in where I could and laughed at their antics.

"Did Emmett ask you if you wanted to go to Bella's on Friday?" Alice asked me as she got plates out for the fajitas she made.

"Yeah."

"And?" she pressed.

All I could do was smile sheepishly and shake my head, a little embarrassed at both of their efforts to include me.

"Really? I think you would have fun…."

"That's okay. I think I'd rather stay."

"But-"

"Don't bug him about it, Alice. I already did," Emmett cut her off. "Do you want hot sauce?" He asked me from where he stood with his head in the fridge.

They decided to watch a movie while we ate. I followed them into the living room with my food, even though I felt weird about it. I told myself it was because I didn't know if Esme would be okay with us eating of her furniture, but I knew the real reason. It made me think of James, and eating in front of the TV at his house. It was hard for me to eat, hard to focus on the movie, hard to keep my face normal and continue to breathe properly. As it often does, the thoughts of where I used to be seemed like they were just under the surface. If I was weak for just a second, they would come flooding in and that would be that.

I felt weird the whole time and as fast as I could finished my plate, I got up to take it to the kitchen.

"Do you want us to pause it?" Alice asked when I got up.

Confused, I remembered it was a movie and she could stop it and wait until I returned. "Oh, no that's okay."

I quickly retreated before either one could say something else. I was grateful when I was alone, or maybe it was because I was out of the living room, I don't know. I knew I didn't want to go back in there right away though. Looking around, I saw the dirty dishes and automatically wanted to clean them.

After rinsing mine, I went to the stove and grabbed the skillet. It was heavier than I expected and I didn't have a very good grip on it, so my other hand went to the bottom before I could think it through. It was still hot. Not like, my hand was on fire hot, because the stove had been off for a few minutes, but the palm of my hand still hurt when I pressed it flat against the bottom. Instinctively, I jerked my hand off. Looking at it, I saw it was pink from the heat. For some reason, I wanted to feel it again. I put my palm back, pressing hard on the heated surface.

The burn was impossible to ignore, but I didn't take my hand away. It didn't feel good, but it felt _right_. Thoughts of James quickly left and I could only focus on my hand. My brain was basically screaming at my hand to move, and it took literally all of my focus to keep it there.

That's probably why I didn't realize I wasn't alone.

"Hey! What the fuck, stop," Emmett's voice was enough to snap me out of it, but yanking the pan out of my hands and dropped it in the sink with a loud clatter worked even better.

He grabbed my wrist, pulling it towards the faucet but I pulled back.

"I'm fine."

"That pan was really hot, man." He didn't drop my hand, but instead pulled it up to his face to inspect it.

"It wasn't, I swear. I just got distracted for a minute."

"It's burned."

"No, it's not." I insisted.

We both looked at it closely for a second. It _wasn't_ burned. It was just a little red. When Emmett apparently decided I was right, he dropped my hand.

"Fine." He looked at me suspiciously but seemed to drop it.

My hand might have been okay, but what _was_ burning was the spot on my wrist where he had been holding it. I mean, he had been holding it pretty tightly, but it wasn't like a hurting kind of burn. It was weird, but I didn't know what to think of it.

"What are you doing in here anyway? I thought we were watching the movie."

I shrugged. "I was just cleaning up. I mean, she cooked so she shouldn't have to clean up." It sounded like a pretty good reason, even if it wasn't the truth.

"It could have waited." He sounded a little like he was accusing me of something, like he knew I was making it up. He grabbed the few other dishes that had been involved in the cooking process and brought them to the sink, rinsing them off. I went with it, loading everything into the dishwasher and wiping down the cabinet and stove.

When we were done, he looked at me with raised eyebrows. He didn't speak, but what he was asking was loud and clear. What was my excuse now? Not having a good one, I returned back to the living room, Emmett right behind me.

"Jeez, what took so long?"

"I don't know if you've noticed, but Edward here is a bit of a neat freak. He just couldn't focus until the kitchen was spick and span," he told her sarcastically.

Alice obviously didn't know what to say, so she chuckled a little nervously and turned back to the TV.

The next hour and a half I did my best to focus on the movie. Alice moved to the other couch about half way through, curling up on her side with a blanket. That left me and Emmett on the long couch, a few feet between us. Despite the space, I was very aware of him the whole time. I noticed when he crossed his arms, when he repositioned his legs, when he stretched. Not for the first time I wondered why I paid so much attention to him and not anyone else. I mean, I didn't notice anything about Alice.

In fact, by the end of the movie, I don't think I had looked at her once since she switched seats. Now that I finally did, I saw the she had fallen asleep, her eyes closed and her breathing slow.

When the credits started rolling, neither one of us reached for the remote, which I was expecting him to do, either to turn it off or find something else to watch. We just sat there, watching the screen.

"How's the hand?" he asked, his voice loud in the silence.

I rolled my eyes. "It's fine. Nothing wrong with it."

"Mhmm." He didn't believe me.

Looking at Alice, I asked him what had been on my mind all night.

"So you guys aren't fighting anymore?"

"No, not really." He sighed. "She's still a little upset I think. But I don't want to fight with her."

I nodded, as if I understood.

"Edward?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you trust me?"

"What?" I asked, confused by his out of nowhere question. I looked over at him, but he was already watching me, waiting for my answer. He didn't repeat the question. "I think so," I answered honestly. "Why?"

"Because. I want you to. I trust you. If you need to talk about anything….you know. You can talk to me." He said it hesitantly and confidently, all at the same time. If that was possible.

I didn't answer. I didn't know what to say. I felt like I should return the favor, but I didn't think Emmett needed anything from me. I didn't know what to think about his offer either. To be completely honest, I wasn't comfortable telling anything to anyone, but a few times some things had slipped out in front of Emmett. It hadn't made it worse, in fact I think it made me feel better. At least at the time.

"Can I tell you something?"

He looked serious. Which was weird, because he usually was the farthest thing from serious. I didn't know what to make of it. I nodded.

"I know I seemed crazy with Alice. You know, following her and the stuff with Jasper. But I have a reason." He swallowed hard. Continued. "You know when I told you about my parents?"

"Yeah." He didn't tell me much. Just that they did drugs and didn't take very good care of them. I think he said they were in prison.

"Well there's more to the story. I mean, you probably guessed that. But I had a sister. Like a biological sister. Her name was Katherine. Katie. She was only a baby. I mean, I was only a little kid too, but she wasn't even one yet. She died."

I didn't know what to do with the shock. I felt my face basically frozen, I didn't even blink. Emmett didn't move. He didn't say anything, he just let it sink in.

"I'm…I don't know what to say. I'm sorry." I suddenly had a tiny glimpse of understanding. People were like this around me, not knowing what to say or how to react. But I understood a little better now. I didn't have any idea what else to say to Emmett in that moment. I looked at his face.

"Yeah, me too. But that's why I'm not still with my parents. It was sort of their fault. I mean, they didn't do it on purpose or anything, but like I said. They didn't take very good care of us. It was the addiction. But either way, it happened and they went to jail and I came here."

As horrified as I was with this story, it gave me so much to think about. I couldn't imagine why Emmett would want to tell me this. I didn't tell him much at all. But I guess he already knew most of what I could tell. It was both a blessing and a curse.

"But that's why I'm so crazy with Alice. I just don't want anyone to hurt her, you know? When Carlisle and Esme told me they were adopting her, I thought it was my chance for a do over. I was going to have another sister, one that I could take better care of."

The thought of Emmett blaming himself for something that happened made me cringe, but I couldn't correct him. I didn't know enough details, and even though no matter what had happened, it would never be Emmett's fault He could have a good reason for seeing it that way. I knew logically that a lot of the things that happened to me weren't really my fault, but I still felt guilty about them. It wasn't my place to tell him otherwise.

"The older she gets, the harder it is. I can't stop her from doing the things she wants. I just wish she would listen to me sometimes."

I nodded, trying to understand.

"She doesn't know."

My head snapped back to look at him, shocked. He had known me, what? A few months? And he was already telling me, yet he had called Alice a sister for years and she didn't know?

"I don't want her to know. I've asked Mom and Dad not to tell her, and they haven't, as far as I know. I just want her to be happy." He took another deep breath, as if recovering from what he just told me.

"Why did you tell me?"

He hesitated. "I guess I just wanted to tell somebody." He smirked before continuing. "And I wanted you to know that you're not the only person in the world who's had shitty things happen to them."

These words shocked me almost as much as his confession. I knew I visibly flinched, but Emmett didn't seem to care. He did reach over and grab my arm again, looking at my palm closely. I let him. His fingers gripped my wrist tightly.

Apparently deciding it was okay, he thrust it back into my lap. "So stop trying to fuck up your hands. Got it?"

I knew he knew then. He knew I hadn't just had a temporary lapse in consciousness and forgotten I was holding something hot. Maybe Emmett knew me a lot better than I thought he did.

Embarrassed, I quickly nodded, not looking at him.

Right then, as if they'd timed it, we heard the garage door go up. We became quiet again and waited for them to enter without talking or looking at each other. I wouldn't know what to say anyway.

"Hey guys," Esme greeted us. We both stood up, Emmett stretching and cracking his back. "What have you guys been doing?" Esme flicked on the hall light so she could see us in the darkness the living room had previously been in.

"Alice made fajitas and we watched a stupid movie. How was dinner?"

"Oh, you know us. We had a wild night out on the town," Carlisle told him. "How long has she been asleep?" he asked, amused as he hung up his and Esme's coats in the closet.

"A while, I was about to bring her upstairs. I'm getting pretty tired myself."

Amazed that Alice had slept through our conversation, I watched as Emmett lifted her off the sofa and carried her in his arms up the stairs to her bedroom.

"Goodnight," he said as he climbed the last of the steps.

Paying attention for once, I saw Esme watch her adopted son. There was pride in her eyes as he carried his sister up to bed. I wondered if I would ever have that relationship with any of them.

"And how was your night?" she asked me when they were out of her sight.

I shrugged, pretending to be casual. "It was good."

"Did you like the movie?" I nodded. "Dinner was good?" I nodded. "Are you tired?" Even though I really wasn't, I nodded because I knew that's what she would expect of me. "Your session went okay, right?"

"Yeah, it was fine."

She eyed me carefully, trying to find anything worrying in my words.

"Alright, you should go on up to bed. We'll see you in the morning."

As I climbed the stairs, I did my best not to look back. I didn't want to see what would be missing in their eyes.

EmPOV

Tuesday, December 28th

Edward freaking out about his temps test was so ridiculous I could barely contain myself, but somehow I managed. I knew the test was easy, I tried to tell him as much, but he just wouldn't believe me. Watching him read and reread that little book was about the cutest thing I had ever seen, but also kind of sad in a way. He didn't believe in himself at all. I knew he was smart, he would do fine.

Nonetheless, I helped him study. Honestly, I didn't much care what he wanted to do, as long as I got to do it with him. If he wanted to study, we would.

I quizzed him on common sense driving skills until my brain couldn't take it anymore. We did the whole practice test and finally I threw the book aside, assuring him that he was ready.

He was still insecure about the whole thing, which was understandable. I mean, most kids had sixteen years of watching their parents drive them around to base their knowledge off of. Edward didn't have that, so he was coming in with a huge disadvantage. I reassured him anyway, promising it would be a problem. I hoped I was right.

The day before, I ran into his piano teacher when she was leaving after a lesson. Okay, to be honest I was spying on them. I heard her pull up and after they were settled with their backs to the living room, I snuck down and into the kitchen. If I listened hard, I could hear her talking to him, teaching him about scales and helping him get his finger placement down.

I wished I could watch them, but I was afraid I would get caught and Edward would probably be upset. I thought about them sitting so close, about her moving his hands in the right spots, about Edward being totally focused on one person for an extended amount of time. Sarah was a pretty girl. She was out of high school and I'm pretty sure she had a serious boyfriend, but Edward didn't know that.

Shaking my head, I reminded myself that it was absolutely ridiculous to feel jealous about anything involving Edward and his piano teacher. He had never showed any signs of thinking about anything other than leaning to play. But I don't know how much the jealousy was about her specifically or just girls in general. It just hurt to think that one day, no matter how far in the distance, Edward would like a girl. Instead of me. I didn't like the thought at all.

So the question about Sarah came out of my mouth, I knew it was ridiculous. I couldn't stop it though. I just wanted, needed, to know if he was already thinking like that. Was this already something I had to deal with?

Flipping through channels, trying to act casually, I told him, "I talked to Sarah for a bit as she was leaving the other day. I didn't realize she was doing your piano lessons."

He nodded, waiting for me to go on.

"She's older than us but I used to see her around the reservation when we hung out with Jake. She's pretty cool." He nodded again, giving me nothing to work with. So I had to dive in. "She's kinda hot now too. Don't you think?" I didn't look at him directly, but out of the corner of my eye I watched him carefully, waiting for a reaction of any kind.

"Yeah, she's…nice," he said, clearly confused.

Only laughing a little at his naivety, I said, "Yeah, I know she's nice, but do you like her? That would be such a great cliché, having a thing for your piano tutor." Not to mention the very idea of the whole thing made me sick to my stomach. But I just wanted to know. I couldn't stop myself from digging.

"Oh…I uh, I don't know," he stumbled over the words, uncomfortable. But I kept pushing.

"You don't know?"

"I just didn't think about it." He was clearly getting flustered and didn't want to tell me anything else, but that only made me more paranoid. I mean, why would he be so defensive about the whole thing if he didn't like her? He was being all evasive and it scared me.

"How would you not think about it? I mean, she's sitting like right next to you. Wouldn't you-"

"I don't know, I just didn't."

I shouldn't have pushed him. He was mad now. I wished I could take it back and just live with my insecurity, but it was too late.

"Sorry," he said halfheartedly.

"No, sorry I brought it up." I looked back at the TV, trying to pretend like it didn't happen. I could decipher it later.

Shortly after, Edward got up with an irritated huff and angrily threw a pillow at me. Assuming he was mad at me, I tried to apologize.

"Edward, I'm sorry I said anything, we were just talking." I wanted him to know it wasn't a big deal. I must have really struck a chord I didn't know was there. I shouldn't have pushed him.

"Just…never mind." He sounded dejected and disappointed, whether with himself or me I wasn't sure.

When he was gone, I groaned, shoving my face into the pillow he had thrown at me, pissed at myself for ruining what could have been a good night. And for what? I didn't even know what the hell he meant by his answers. He didn't know if he liked someone? What did that mean? That he really did and was embarrassed by it or that he didn't and thought he was supposed to so he was pretending he hadn't noticed? Or maybe he really hadn't noticed, and I was the stupid one for trying to force him into thinking about stuff he wasn't ready for. That was entirely possible. I mean, after all the shit he had been through, the last thing he should be worrying about was girls. Because being a teenager kind of sucked and he didn't need to go through the stress of worrying about whether or not someone liked him.

I don't know when I would learn to just leave the guy alone, but obviously that time was not now.

I hoped he could get over this whole thing before tomorrow. I hoped he would still let me come to his test. I hoped what I said wouldn't distract him. I hoped he wouldn't fail because of me.

Wednesday, December 29th

Of course, I should have known I didn't have to worry about Edward holding a grudge against me. He was an expert avoider, and neither one of us even acknowledged that the incident happened.

Edward wasn't really used to being in public yet. It was a little strange seeing him out among people, to be honest. He was kind of cute, fiddling with his jacket nervously. He stared at his shoes, kicking the tile floor and shuffling his feet around. I watched him for a few moments before I saw Esme doing the same thing. She looked worried, so I slapped his hands away so he would stop. I wanted them both to know that he would be fine.

Esme had already done this twice before with me and Alice, so she was pretty much a pro. She had all of the paperwork ready to go and the whole thing went very smoothly. Edward seemed fine, at least until he was told to go back to the testing room. He looked shocked and like he was going to throw up. I held back a laugh, I mean, what exactly did he think was going to happen? Why he was so surprised, I didn't know.

Once he was back in the room, Esme and I took a seat to wait it out.

"You think he's going to be okay in there?" she asked, craning her neck to try and see in the room.

"Relax. He'll be fine. He knows that book like the back of his hand, I think he memorized it."

"Hmm…I just don't want him to be anxious. He'll be so upset if he doesn't do well."

"Well you can't just not let him ever do anything," I pointed out. "He's gotta get out sometime."

"Speaking of him getting out, I'd like you to invite him to Bella's party on Friday."

"What? But I'm not even going. You know he won't want to go anywhere." Bella's New Year's Eve party was always small, quiet, and with a limited guest list. While I knew I was invited, I also knew Rose was going. There wouldn't be many people there and it would be impossible to avoid her. I didn't think either of us needed that. I was planning on going to a different party that one of the football guys was throwing. It definitely wasn't the type of party Edward could tag along too. Loud music, lots of people, and alcohol were not an equation he factored into.

Esme didn't care. "I want you to go to Bella's, with Edward. He needs to feel included. He'll be more comfortable if you're there. If he doesn't want to go, then that's another story."

I crossed my arms, irritated. It's not like I didn't want to hang out with Edward, it's just that I knew he would never want to go someplace new and have to be stuck there for hours while being forced into awkward conversation. Even if he said yes, it would probably only be because he felt he had to. I didn't want to go, Edward didn't want to go, yet we would both probably be forced into it by my mother.

I wasn't worried until I saw Edward emerge from the back room all embarrassed looking at the floor. I had a brief moment of panic, but of course he hadn't failed.

We went for breakfast and as soon as we got our menus, Edward was anxious again. He was bouncing his knee and looking around like he was trying to find the answers from the people sitting around us. I suggested he get the French toast, which honestly was fucking delicious here, and he calmed down considerably. On the one hand, it sucked that he was so nervous about something as simple as talking to the waitress at a dinner, but then again he had never done it before, at least for a long time, and a little anxiety was probably to be expected. At least the first time was over now and he'd be able to do it the next time with less panic.

Esme caught my eye and raised her eyebrow, waiting for me to do as she asked. I rolled my eyes and then made myself sound as sincere as possible as I asked if he wanted to attend the party. I even threw in some extra incentives, such as the party would be small and nothing crazy would be happening. Of course, he said no. Esme then tried to bribe him, telling him he didn't have to stay the whole time because she would come pick him up whenever he wanted, which I would have found a little insulting if I was Edward. I mean, the guy was a teenager and he didn't want to have to get picked up early from a party by a parent because he couldn't stay out late.

He told her no, too.

I eyed Esme right back, mouthing _I told you_ to her.

Maybe I would get to avoid Rose after all.

Even since Christmas, me and Alice seemed to have reached a truce. I knew she still thought she was in the right, that I should have told her what was going on with me and Rose. I couldn't though, and she was just going to have to deal with that. Either way, she wasn't mad at me anymore and I was long over being openly upset with her.

When Mom and Dad went out for a nice dinner together, she left me with instruction to entertain Edward.

"He had a long session today and he might be upset. I don't want him spending the whole night alone in his room. And make sure he eats dinner."

I felt like a babysitter, but only because of the way she treated him. He wasn't a little kid. I agreed to everything she said so she would give us both some space, but the annoyance lingered long after she left.

Alice made us all dinner, which was awesome. It was nice to spend time with both of them at one time, which hardly ever happened. We started to watch a movie while we ate dinner, but I could tell Edward wasn't okay.

Alice was in between us on the long couch, so that we could all put our plates on the coffee table. The few glances I dared to take at him while Alice was in the room told me that he was stiff and uncomfortable. I had no idea why, but when he vanished into the kitchen only minutes after the movie started, I got worried.

I made a lame excuse to Alice and told her I'd be right back.

"Mmkay…" she said absentmindedly, obviously not really caring that both of us were now gone. She was still eating and pretty focused on the movie.

I was expecting to find him hiding in the kitchen, maybe panicking about something, I didn't know. What I _did_ find was a much more alarming and I instantly raced to him, grabbing the pan out of his hands. He had been holding it, tightly, with his right palm pressed flatly on the bottom.

"Hey! What the fuck, stop," I yelled at him. As I had feared, the pan _was_ still hot, surely it had burned his skin badly. I threw it down in the sink, it clashing loudly. Grabbing his wrist next, I pulled it towards the sink to rinse it under cold water. He yanked it back just as fast.

"I'm fine," he said, defiantly.

"That pan was really hot, man," I pointed out the obvious, but he didn't seem to get it.

I pulled his hand closer to my face, trying to see if what he said was true. The skin wasn't broken or anything, but it was red and it looked like it hurt.

"It wasn't. I swear. I just got…distracted for a minute." He could make all the excuses he wanted, but I felt the pan too and I didn't know how he could be okay after holding it on his bare skin for god knows how long.

"It's burned," I told him simply.

"No, it's not." He sounded irritated.

After inspecting the hand, I decided it really wasn't seriously burned and I let him have it back.

"Fine." I let him win for now, even though I was on to him. Obviously he wasn't just _distracted_, or whatever he said. He had purposefully hurt himself. It scared me like nothing else ever had with him.

I had witnessed his panic attacks, puking, shaking, and near hyperventilation, but I never thought he would purposefully subject himself to pain. Like it didn't hurt, when I _knew_ it did.

"What are you doing in here anyway? I thought we were watching the movie."

He shrugged. "I was just cleaning up. I mean, she cooked it so she shouldn't have to clean up."

Mhmm, sure. How could anybody _ever_ focus while there was a dirty pan in the kitchen? I didn't buy it.

"It could have waited."

He didn't have a good answer for that, so I just went with it. I started cleaning the kitchen, noticing when he followed my lead. When we were done, I looked at him, waiting for some other excuse. Unfortunately for him, I wasn't leaving him alone in here again.

He turned and went back into the living room. I followed, satisfied.

While I pretending like I was fascinated by the actors running amuck in Los Angeles, I didn't really pay a lot of attention to anything other than the boy next to me.

Most of the time I stayed very understanding of what he was going though. As much as I could understand, anyway. I had been a foster kid and thrown into this family too, and I tried to sympathize with him with on the whole kidnap thing. Like obviously.

But there came a point when all of his shit started to piss me off. The guy had it pretty good here. He had two loving parents who blindly accepted him, offering whatever he might need without an ounce of repayment. He had complete safety, an opportunity for a new life full of great opportunities. Yeah, he was taking advantage of some of them, maybe as much as he could, but he was also holding himself back so much.

If he wanted to feel sorry for himself and be scared of everything, fine. But when it came to hurting himself like that? It was no longer okay. Maybe he hadn't meant to do it. Maybe he had. But either way, he should have thought about us. The people who were giving our time and energy for him, for the soul purpose of him feeling better. And he just threw it away, like none of our effort had done him any good. Like he was an exception to the rule and no matter what, he would always fall back on his weakness.

I didn't think he owed us anything at all. But I wanted him to try. I wanted him to realize that he could have it a lot worse. I wanted him to help _himself_.

He moped around all day like the world was out to get him, where in reality, only one man was out to get him, and he wasn't any danger to Edward anymore. His life could be so much worse.

When the movie was over, he asked me about Alice. Somehow, the topic had switched something on inside of me, and I wanted him to know. He should know that he wasn't the only one who had suffered. He wasn't the only one with secrets. If he was so troubled by them that he felt the need to hurt himself and then lie about it, he should know that he could come to me. At least that way he wouldn't have an excuse.

So I told him about my sister. I rarely told anyone about her. In fact, only a few people in my life knew. Most of my friends knew that my parents had been drug addicts and had lost custody of me because of neglect, but I didn't feel the need to share with them who the neglect had really hurt. It was something for me to hold onto.

But Edward was different. He already had so many shitty memories piled on top of him, I highly doubted adding mine would do any damage. In fact, I thought it would help him. If he knew that I had a secret too, something dark that hurt me even years after the fact, it might make him feel a little less isolated.

And I really did want him to trust me. I trusted him, enough to tell him one of my biggest secrets. I felt a little lighter after, just like I did every time I told anybody.

I knew he had a therapist who was trained and logically a much better person to tell serious things too, but still. If he could trust me enough to tell me some of what was on his mind, and then he saw that nothing horrible happened as a result, I think it would make him feel better. I hoped one day he would.

When my parents got home, it was a little like passing the Edward torch. Hopefully Edward didn't notice, but I knew they wanted me to stay with him until they got home. Not that I really thought he would make me, but I did not in the slightest want to talk about my sister anymore, so I was a little eager to be by myself anyway. Instead, I grabbed my other sister, the one I could still protect, and carried her upstairs to her bed.


	20. Chapter 20

AN- Another long one for you. I'm going to be traveling the next two weeks, so I probably won't be able to update until I get back. I'm working on the next one though, and I thought about splitting this one in two but figured I'd keep it long to compensate for the lack of posting on spring break. I hope you guys like this one, I'm getting a little nervous. Big things are going to be happening in the next few chapters (shocking, I know). Let me know what you think :)

EPOV

Friday, December 31st

New Year's Eve. Never before had I given much thought to the holiday. It was just another day, another sign that time was passing me by while I was wasting away stuck in a small bedroom.

When I met with Dr. Garrison this afternoon, she pointed out that it was a good time for new beginnings. A new year was starting fresh, one that had endless possibilities. I understood how some people would see this as a good thing, but I saw a different positive side. Nothing bad had yet happened in the New Year, and in that sense, I was starting over. A blank slate on which I could try harder to make my life what I wanted, instead of what somebody else made it to be.

She tried to get me to make some New Year's resolutions. I tried to think of something good, but couldn't come up with anything specific. She said that was okay, I could think about it and that I didn't have to share them with her if I didn't want to.

Instead of directing the conversation like she usually does, she asked me if there was anything I wanted to talk about. My instincts had me close to spitting out my usual 'no' automatically. But maybe being more honest with myself was something I could work on as a resolution, and honestly? I was pretty bothered by something.

"I'm having trouble falling asleep."

It had been happening more and more frequently. At first I just thought it was because I wasn't tired, that I had taken a nap in the middle of the day and that's why my brain wouldn't shut off. But on Wednesday night, I had been exhausted from the day's activities. My eyes shut quickly, my brain not so much. I laid awake for hours, thinking about things both worrisome and unimportant. My mind just wondered aimlessly. When it happened the next night, I became extremely frustrated.

"How long has this been happening?" she asked, sounding concerned.

"A while. Not every night, but ever since I came here, every once in a while I just can't go to sleep. And the past couple days I've been up for hours before I finally can."

"Is there anything in particular you're thinking about when this happens?"

I shook my head. "No, I mean, sometimes I'm thinking about…you know. James." I said his name quickly and moved on, "But other times I'm not really thinking about anything. I try to fall asleep, really I do, but I just can't."

"Do you have trouble _staying_ asleep?"

"Not usually. Sometimes I wake up from dreams and stuff but most of the time I can get right back to sleep."

She nodded, thinking.

"Honestly Edward, I'm not surprised. It's not uncommon to have difficulty falling asleep after traumatic events. Sometimes your body is on a sort of high alert and can't relax enough for your mind to shut off."

"But I never had this problem when I was actually _there_." It didn't make any sense.

"Well we've been going back over some of the things that happened there. Remembering these things can be just as bad as when they happened for real."

I didn't like that answer. I didn't want to think about reliving what happened to me. If it was going to be just as bad as the first time, why would I want to talk about it again?

"There are some things you can do to relax before bed. It might sound silly, but taking some deep breathes, trying to relax your muscles, or just visualizing being calm can help your mind slow down. Maybe try to take a hot shower or bath before heading to bed. Try drinking some tea, anything to make you sleepy. Try not to think about stuff that's too serious."

I nodded, knowing what she meant. Thinking about James was never a good way to get to sleep, I knew that. I had to get to the point where I could think about something simple or just let my mind wonder before I could get even close to sleep.

"You can try those things, as well as making sure there's no noise, you're comfortable in your bed, that type of stuff. But remember, I'm always willing to discuss with you the possibility of taking a sleep aid. It's important that you get adequate sleep. If you're unable to do so or it's too hard to do on your own, a little help would not be that unreasonable."

I didn't say anything. For the first time, I was actually considering that option. I just wanted to be able to turn my mind off, something that used to come so easily to me. It was exhausting having to think all the time.

Seeing that I wasn't refusing, she continued eagerly. "There are very mild medications that you can take. They won't make you feel funny during the day or anything, and if they do, we can always try something else until we get a good fit, just to make you relax enough to get to sleep."

It was the staying asleep part that worried me. I didn't want to be totally defenseless in the middle of the night.

"Why don't you think about it this weekend? Try the other techniques I told you, if those aren't working very well for you, we can talk to Esme and Carlisle about taking something, okay?"

I nodded, glad she was at least taking me seriously. I had been worried about telling her, afraid she would just tell me it was normal or I should try harder. But she thought it was a legitimate problem, which honestly made me feel a little better. Maybe it wasn't completely under my control. I wasn't just fucking something else up.

Later, around six, I was working on my piano in my bedroom. Carlisle had left for work earlier and I assumed Emmett and Alice would leave soon enough.

As always, I had headphones on. I didn't feel comfortable letting other people hear what I was doing on the piano. I wasn't at all confident in my skills yet and it was hard enough when Sarah was there. I had to be careful not to do something stupid when everyone was listening. But with headphones on, I could experiment and not feel judged.

That didn't stop me from hearing when Emmett knocked on my door. He called out my name as a way of letting me know who it was I suppose, and I was grateful for it. Otherwise I would have just thought it was Esme. This way I had time to prepare myself.

Instinctually, I ripped off my headphones and hopped up, ready to open the door and greet him that way but then I thought maybe it was better to just tell him to come in. That was probably more casual, something I was trying to work on when it came to Emmett. It wasn't that hard, at least compared to interactions with other people, but he was always so laid back about everything. I wanted to be that way.

I sat back down, trying to look natural. "Yeah?"

"Can I come in?" he checked.

Why else would I have answered that way?

"Sure," I said, thinking that sounded pretty normal.

The door opened slowly, as if he was unsure about it. Once he caught my eye, saw I was sitting at the piano looking at him expectantly, he seemed to be reassured. He came in the room with a smile and plopped down on the couch casually and like he belonged there.

"Hey. Practicin' your Mozart?"

"Uh…not really."

He laughed, sorta. The type of laugh were you just blow air out of your nose.

"Are you sure you don't want to go tonight? It's not too late."

"Yeah, I'm sure. I just want to stay here."

"Alright…maybe next year then."

I shrugged, doubting it.

"I didn't really want to witness all the Alice Jasper coupley stuff anyway." He sighed, sounding relieved.

"What do you mean? Aren't you still gonna go?" I didn't want him to feel obligated to entertain me. Just because I didn't want to go, I didn't want to ruin his night.

"Yeah, I don't think so. I mean, I would be glad to go if you wanted to, but I'd end up hanging with you and avoiding the rest of the group I think. I'm going to head over to another buddy's house. The football team always has a party."

"Oh." It was stupid of me to think that he didn't have any other plans. That his whole night revolved around me. Suddenly, I felt very inadequate. Sitting here, alone all night seemed even lamer than it did before. He didn't even want to go to the party I was invited to. He just offered out of pity. I apparently wasn't good enough for the real party, either that or Emmett would be too embarrassed to bring me. Not that I would have agreed to that one either.

I realized they might have made the whole party at Bella's house up. They probably didn't do it every year. They probably only said that to make it sound like I could actually fit in there. They probably created the whole thing in hopes that it would be tame enough for me to be able to handle. I was glad I refused.

Suddenly, I didn't want to look Emmett in the eye. I settled on turning back and looking at the keys of the piano.

"But hey, we should do something this weekend. It's my last glimpse of freedom. Maybe we could drive up to Port Angeles."

I just knew he was offering all of this out of pity now. Maybe all of the time we were spending together recently was just because he felt bad for me. Or because he had time off from school and was bored. Or both.

"Maybe." I muttered, trying not to sound too interested in the plans. But who was I kidding? He knew what I did all day, he knew I didn't have anything better to do.

"You okay?" he sounded concerned. I didn't look at him.

"Fine." The sudden anger I was feeling was irrational, and probably had more to do with being embarrassed than anything else.

"Are you sure? I mean, if you want me to, we could hang out here. Or we could go somewhere else."

"No. Go be with your friends." I was tempted to say _real_ friends, but I stopped myself for self-preservation reasons. It still sounded rude.

"Why are you mad?" he sounded a little mad himself, at the very least confused.

"I'm not fucking mad." I stood up from my spot. Going into my closet, I grabbed new clothes. "Shut the door when you leave," I said angrily as I went into my bathroom, shutting that door and locking it.

For a second I froze. I couldn't believe I just did that. I didn't know what to think about the whole thing. Before I waited too long, I realized Emmett was probably waiting out there, listening to what I was doing. I didn't want it to be obvious I was so affected by this, so I started the shower, as if going about business as usual.

What the hell was wrong with me? I didn't know. I never showed emotion like that. I was never the one to get angry. I didn't have room to risk being angry. I had too much to lose if they were angry back. I usually stayed about as passive as I could get. But with Emmett? I guess I felt like I could be more honest but I wasn't sure that was completely accurate.

He was, or at least I thought he was, my only friend. I couldn't risk him being mad at me.

But I just felt so stupid about the whole thing. I guess I was being defensive. I didn't know if that was good or bad.

I heard Emmett shut my door. I got in the shower. I cleaned myself, a little roughly. I didn't know if I was still mad at Emmett or myself.

I didn't even need to shower. I did already this morning. But I didn't know what else to do. I had to get away from him and he was already in my room, so where else was I supposed to go?

When I went back to my room, I noticed several things. First, my keyboard, which I had left on in my haste to get out of there, was turned off. Emmett must have done it. He had also wound up my headphones, which I had left hanging from their plug in. I didn't know why he would have done such a thing.

I went over to it, pushing the seat in all the way. Then I unwound the headphones and redid it, putting them the way I liked it, unplugged and tightly wrapped, sitting on the edge of the shelf next to the keyboard. I felt a little better. I looked for anything else that was amiss, but came up empty. I ran my hands over the comforter again, smoothing out the already smooth surface.

I waited for another hour in my room. Esme told me she was making something for the two of us to have for dinner. I knew I should go down so she didn't think I was being rude. But I never heard Emmett leave, so I waited.

At 7:28 I decided I had to go down. He was probably gone. I had to risk it.

He wasn't gone. I heard him when I was at the top of the steps to the first floor. I did a quick look around, saw nobody was watching me, and turned back upstairs. I didn't want to talk to him.

I heard at least one car leave. I tried again at 7:43.

This time everyone was gone. Except Esme. I found her in the kitchen.

"I was wondering if you were going to come down."

Her back was to me as she pulled some heavenly creation out of the oven. Pizza. Homemade pizza, apparently.

"I thought I was going to have to eat this all by myself," she teased. She knew I loved pizza. But I had never had any besides take out, and I bet hers was better. She was a great cook.

"Sorry…I was practicing. I guess I didn't realize what time it was," I lied. It was a new thing, lying. Before, I never really had anything to lie about. I knew I shouldn't lie, but sometimes it just made things so much easier. It wasn't hurting anything.

"And how is it going? You still like it?" She talked to me while cutting up part of a loaf of garlic bread, which also smelled awesome.

"It's good, I think."

"Because remember what we said? If you don't like it, don't feel pressured to stick with it. You could always try something else."

"I don't want to quit," I told her honestly.

"Good. Music is so good for you."

She cut the pizza and while it cooled, asked me to grab some drinks. I got iced tea for both of us, something Esme insisted it try. It wasn't carbonated and she thought I would like it. I did.

She brought the food over to the table, I grabbed plates and napkins. I had worried that it might be a little awkward, just being the two of us here all night. I found just the opposite though. It was pretty nice just having her to talk to. Only one person to focus on. And Esme was so nice and understanding. She didn't care if I said something weird or if I took too long to think of a good answer. She just waited, encouraging me by asking more questions and adding her own thoughts. I felt like I could actually have a real conversation when I was with her.

The food was good, in fact a little _too_ good. I think I burned the top of my mouth on the pizza. I just couldn't wait to eat it.

We made easy conversation while we ate. She asked me about a book I had gotten for Christmas which I had started to read. She told me about a new project she was starting to work on for a client in Seattle. She was curious if I had explored the music Emmett had put onto my new iPod. Told me that I should find some classical music on the internet I could add to it.

When all but two pieces of pizza and all of the bread was gone, we both sat at the table, completely stuffed and waiting until our stomachs felt better.

"You know, I got something in the mail for you the other day." She was grinning, so I didn't think it was bad, but I couldn't image what would have come for me.

"What is it?"

"The results of your placement test."

My stomach did a little flip. Not that I thought I had done badly, but I had pretty much forgotten about it. I didn't dare ask how I did. If it _was_ bad, I didn't want to know.

"You did remarkably well."

"Really?"

She chuckled. "Really."

I let out a breath I had been holding. "Oh." I nodded. That was good.

"I just…I don't understand how you managed to learn all of that by yourself." The amazement in her voice wasn't something I expected to hear.

"I didn't. I had-"

"Your books, I know," she interrupted. "But still. You must have been very motivated to do all that work when you didn't have to."

I shrugged, admitting, "Just bored, I guess." That was part of it, the other part was that I knew it was what my parents would want.

"Well either way, its' amazing." I didn't know about that. "You're not exactly at any one grade level, which thankfully isn't a problem if we do all your work at home."

"What do you mean?" That didn't sound good.

"Well your math score was incredibly high. You're at or above a sufficient level to complete high school in that subject. If you wanted to, after another placement exam from the specific school, you could probably start with Calculus in college. Of course, in the meantime, if you'd like to continue to learn math, we could start a calculus course for you with the homeschooling. It's up to you." She smiled, but I was afraid of what else was coming.

"Okay..."

"They placed you at a senior level in reading and English and somewhere between a sophomore and junior level in science. All of that is a great starting point." She sounded legitimately pleased, but I wasn't so sure.

"But what level should I be at?" I was sixteen. Older than Alice but younger than Emmett. So was I supposed to be a sophomore or junior? If I was supposed to be at the same level as Emmett that meant that I was behind.

Esme shook her head, looking worried. "There isn't any level at which we expected you to be at. There isn't a rule book, you get to set the pace."

"But I'm sixteen. So if I went to high school, what level would that be?"

She looked hesitant, but continued anyway. "You have a summer birthday. A sixteen year could easily be in either tenth or eleventh grade. But you shouldn't compare yourself to them, your situation is totally different."

"Yeah. I know." I wish people would stop saying that.

She pursed her lips. "I'm sorry. I just meant that doing homeschooling, you don't have to work at the same pace as everyone else. It doesn't matter where you start. But don't worry, you're not behind at all. In fact, I think it would surprise most people knowing how well you've done for yourself."

I didn't know about that. What else did I have to do but study? Shouldn't I have mastered all the information I had? I was pretty sure I did. Maybe I'm just not good at taking tests….

Esme laughed again. "Honey, don't worry so much. I told you because I thought you would be happy. You've done wonderfully and you should be proud of yourself. I know Carlisle and I are."

Looking up at her hesitantly, I tried to gage if she was telling the truth or trying to make me feel better. I saw only honesty in her eyes, but it was hard for me to accept such a thing.

She must have seen my reluctance because she reached out, rubbing the top of my wrist. "We are very proud of you, Edward. You've done a great job." She patted my hand, continuing, "We can start next week if you want. I have the material for you to do a science and a history course, as well as a book list you could pick something off of. If you want." She shrugged, as if it wasn't a big deal.

"I want to." I was anxious to start now. No matter what she said, I felt like I had lost time to make up for.

Chuckling, she said, "You could teach Emmett and Alice a few things. If only they were as eager for education as you are." Picking up her plate, she said, "Now let's get these dishes out of the way and then maybe we can watch a movie? We have a few hours until the ball drops, you know."

I had no idea what that meant, but by the end of the night, I had learned.

We didn't end up watching a movie. Instead, Esme convinced me to watch several episodes of one of her "guilty pleasures" as she called it. There was a marathon running and although I didn't see the first episode, Esme explained the basic idea behind the show and I was able to follow it alright. It was about a group of survivors of a plane crash on some remote island. It wasn't just any island though, it apparently had monsters and all kinds of crazy things on it. Esme had to keep explaining bits and pieces I was confused about, but I must admit, it caught my attention more than I thought it would.

She told me I could watch the whole series on the internet, if I was still interested.

"On second thought, maybe I shouldn't have told you that. It's such a time waster…" she had said after I wanted to start the third episode. I didn't mind. Sometimes I had time to waste, so I didn't see it as a bad thing.

When midnight rolled around, Esme insisted we watch some show, which was apparently happening in real time. She told me all about Times Square and the giant lighted ball that dropped as the countdown to midnight started.

As the camera fanned out over the massive crowd that was gathered there, I couldn't help but marvel at how big the world was. The announcer guy said there were a million people there. One million people. I had never even considered a million people all being in the same place at the same time. It was almost insane to think about. I guess I never really _thought_ about how big the world was. I had just been shoved into one tiny slice of it. I had a bigger slice now, but still, in comparison to one million people, it was miniscule.

While the idea of being in a crowd like that, physically would probably send me into a catatonic state of panic, but figuratively made me feel better about myself. I wasn't such a freak. I mean, bad things had probably happened to other people in the crowd too. I felt like I could blend a little.

I guess it was all just perspective, but I liked the idea.

When the countdown started, Esme joined in and excitedly counted down from ten with the crowd, smiling when I wouldn't join her. It just felt silly.

"Happy New Year, Edward. I know this year will be amazing for you." She reached over and pulled me into a hug. She held on tightly, squeezing for way longer than I would usually allow. Finally, when she let go, she grabbed my hand and pulled me up. Making me follow her out the front door into the cold winter night, she pointed at the sky. They were small, but off in the distance, I could see brightly colored fireworks.

Esme finally let me go to bed after that. I was up later than usual, but somehow I couldn't quite fall asleep. I tried to take some deep, relaxing breathes like Dr. Garrison had told me, but it just felt kind of dumb.

Rolling over, I tried to get comfortable.

I closed my eyes, thinking it would help lull me to sleep. As soon as I did so, I wished I hadn't.

Immediately, images I hadn't thought about in ages drilled into my mind. It was overwhelming, the picture of colorful fireworks half cut off by my view from the window in my bedroom. It felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. The pull was irresistible. I couldn't do anything but let my mind go where it wanted, which happened to be James' house.

James was gone again. Christmas had been last week sometime and he had been out of the house all day. He got home after dark, delivering a red plastic plate covered in plastic wrap. The meal inside was the best thing I had eaten in a while, although it would have been better warmed up. Turkey and potatoes and vegetables, all piled on top of each other. Clearly homemade, and not by James. I wondered where he got it.

Tonight was different. He hadn't been gone all day, just since late afternoon, probably. He dropped off a chicken sandwich and brought me to the bathroom, gruffly telling me he wouldn't be back until late. When I asked why, he told me to mind my own business.

That was hours ago and I knew I should go to sleep. Worrying about where James was didn't do me any good. I tried to stop. I couldn't stop thinking that he was abandoning me. He was mad at me earlier. I shouldn't have asked questions.

It was the last day of the year, I guess he was staying out until midnight. Where did he go? What did he do? Would he come back drunk and angry or would he be tired and let me sleep? The question would probably keep me up all night long. At least until I knew he was in his bed across the hall.

It was getting late now. Probably close to midnight. I turned my light off. Even if he did come home tonight, I would hear him. I would have plenty of time. I shouldn't stay up all night waiting.

I couldn't sleep. I turned my light back on. I opened the top drawer to my dresser. James had done my laundry yesterday, so it was pretty full. Somehow, the shirts had gotten scrunched up. Maybe I slammed the drawer shut too fast. I took them all out. Refolded them. Rearranged them, then put them back the way they were originally. That's how I liked them.

Thinking about trying sleep again, I turned the light off, promising I wouldn't turn it back on tonight. Instead of crawling back in bed, I went to the window. On tiptoes, I looked out into the street.

It snowed the night before last. The slush was still thick on the streets, but it was a light brown color now. How long would it take to melt? How long until I could see the grass again?

Out of nowhere, a bang echoes through the sky. Jumping, I grabbed my chest, scared of what that noise might mean. Craning my neck, I looked towards the direction of the sound. I saw just the top of some red lights.

Fireworks.

Getting my chair quickly, I put it under the window, standing on it so I could have a better angle at the window.

The show didn't last long, just a few minutes at the most. Red, green, blue, white, and purple lights spread throughout the sky, the accompanying banging noise made me jump almost every time.

When it was over, I watched the sky for minutes afterwards, making sure I didn't miss anything. The excitement definitely meant that I wouldn't be sleeping any time soon. But that was okay.

Lying on my bed, I thought about the lights and the thunder that came afterwards. How many other people saw them? Did James see them? I didn't know how far away he was. I didn't know how far away the _fireworks_ were, for that matter. It must be cold out, for whoever shot them off. Midnight in the snow was probably awful. I didn't remember any fireworks last year. Why would somebody start all of a sudden? Or maybe I was just asleep last year…. Maybe I would ask him tomorrow. Only if he was in a good mood. I'd have to wait and see.

I could hear the sound of the garage door going up. Suddenly I remembered that this had already happened to me. I was at the Cullen's, this was where I lived now. I couldn't quite tell if the garage door sound was from this house or James' house.

I wasn't sure when I had opened my eyes but they were wide and staring into the darkness. I had to force myself to blink. Having no idea what just happened, the fear in me was overwhelming. I didn't want to move, didn't want to make any sound for fear that my mind would be shoved back into the memory.

It was so real, so convincing. I remembered every detail like I was really there, experiencing it all over again. The whole night was something that didn't ever stand out before. I hadn't realized I even remembered it. But obviously I had, because as soon as the scene played through my mind, I knew it was real. I could remember everything, even what happened after. James wasn't angry or drunk, but he did come and visit me that night.

I was scared to get out from under the blankets, so I stayed where I was, tightly wrapped up and immobile. The energy it took to keep myself from crying was what finally did me in, miraculously and ironically lulling me to sleep.

It was like the nightmare just picked up where I left off. There was somebody knocking at my door. It startled me awake, but it wasn't right. James wouldn't knock. It only took me about three seconds to remember where I was but that didn't do much good seeing as how my current mental status was in question. How did I know what was real life and what thoughts my brain was coming up with on its own?

It was still dark, that much I knew. I was sitting upright, I was sweating, and my heart was pounding. Those were the things I was pretty sure of. What I was having the most trouble with was that I was pretty sure I heard Emmett outside my door. Actually, I was pretty sure he was like…_whispering_ outside my door. I shook my head, trying to clear it.

"Edwaaaaard. Pssst. It's Emmett." Why would my brain make that up?

I looked at the clock on the DVD player, trying to figure out what the hell was going on. It was almost three in the morning.

"It's me. I want to talk to you. Edward. Pleeease." What was wrong with him? He sounded weird. And his attempt at whispering was pretty pathetic. It was basically his normal volume.

Trying to figure out what to do, I threw the covers off of myself.

"Emmett?" I asked, not sure if he would be able to hear me but feeling like I had to take some type of action. I didn't know what else to do. I was confused.

In no way had I meant to invite him into my room, but apparently he took the one word I said for an offer to come on in. He opened the door completely and abruptly, letting in extreme amounts of light from the hall. I jumped out of bed on instinct, getting away from the door. My eyes had to adjust and all I could see was his shape coming at me, _falling_ at me, actually. He was kind of laughing in a weird, under his breath sort of way and he was stumbling all over the place. I smelled it on him as soon as he got any closer to me.

"Edward," he repeated for the third time. "I'm so glad to see you, I can't even tell you how much I wanted you to be there tonight. I mean…_really_. You should have come. We could have had _so_. Much. Fun." He was rambling, but more importantly, he had basically collapsed on the end of my bed.

For about five seconds, I was frozen in place, trying to comprehend what was in front of me. But then the whiff of alcohol caught up with me and I bolted. My instincts, whether natural or a result of James' drunken nights, told me to get away from Emmett. They told me that people with too much alcohol in their system couldn't control what they did or said and as much as I trusted Emmett regularly, he wasn't the same person and therefore was a danger. I was in the bathroom before he realized I had moved. I slammed and locked the door, not giving him a chance to catch up.

"Edward. No. Don't…_do_ that. Why do you keep doing that? Why are you so mad? God, I don't want you to fucking be mad."

I tried to calm my breathing down enough to hear through the door.

"All I wanted to do was talk to you. I don't know how I'm supposed to do this. I don't get any of it. Why? It doesn't make any sense." He wasn't making any sense at all, but that was to be expected, I think.

I heard him coming closer now, in fact he was really close. After a groan, I heard him slide down the wall right outside the door.

"It's like a sick fucking joke, you know? Everything about you and me. Makes me wanna-"

"Emmett!" I jumped at the new voice. Carlisle was there, and I hadn't heard him coming. "Get out, now!"

I heard a bit of a struggle and I imagined Carlisle lifting Emmett to his feet. Without much cooperation from Emmett, that would probably not be so easy.

"I'm not fucking doing anything!" he complained. They were both getting further away, probably in the hall by now.

I heard Esme making a commotion, asking what was going on. I didn't hear Carlisle's response, but imagined she would be in here soon enough. Carlisle loudly told Emmett to get downstairs and stay there.

What surprised me was when I heard footsteps coming back into my room, they weren't Esme's quick and light ones, but Carlisle's heavier ones, shuffling on the carpet over to the bathroom door. I could hear more angry words being exchanged downstairs somewhere, but it was too far to make out what they were.

Carlisle remained silent for a minute. I could imagine him running his hands through his hair and pinching the bridge of his nose. I heard a long, drawn out sign. Then a deep breath.

"Edward?" he said very calmly. Despite his anger just a minute ago, it was clear that was none of it was directed at me.

During the commotion I had sat down on the edge of the tub, hugging my stomach in an attempt to remain calm. I didn't move at his words. It wasn't that I felt I needed to keep hiding in here, I just didn't know what to do now.

"Edward, I'm sorry. My son is a drunken idiot. Please don't let his stupidity ruin your night." He sounded so heartfelt and sincere, yet his words brought a smile to my face. Why it was funny, I couldn't exactly tell you, but I wanted to laugh.

"I promise you he will never do that again. I'll make sure he's never out of the house past dark again if that's what it takes. Just…please can you talk to me?"

The thought of Emmett never leaving the house at night again was absurd, of course, but the fact that Carlisle offered meant a lot to me. He obviously was upset that I was upset, but the thing was I really _wasn't_ that upset. Emmett had just taken me by surprise is all. His words had confused me, but other than that, I was surprisingly okay.

I didn't want to give Carlisle a hard time. He worked late tonight and surely was tired. He deserved a break.

"Say something, please?" he begged.

I did him one better. I stood up, went to the door and opened it. Carlisle was leaning with one hand flat against the wall next to the bathroom door, his head bent down in either concentration or exhaustion. Or both. His face shot up to mine when he heard the door opening, obviously shocked I had surrendered so quickly.

He was wearing long pajama pants and a white t-shirt. It looked weird on him. I was so used to seeing him in dress pants and a shirt and tie.

"What…are you alright?"

"I'm fine." In fact, I was still smiling a little at what he said. It was just so unlike him.

It was his turn to shake his head, like he didn't understand what just happened.

"You sure?" I nodded. He did too and then stepped back so I could come back into my room. I did so, edging back around over to my bed.

"What happened? He just came barging in here at three in the morning?" He sounded pissed. I was glad I wasn't on the other end of it.

I just shrugged, not wanting to get him in trouble.

"You did well to slam the door. You could have yelled down for help though, Emmett had no right to do that." I didn't even mean to slam the door, but I guess that's what woke them up.

"It's okay. I would have been fine I just….I don't like people drinking very much, I guess. I just felt…better in there." It sounded stupid out loud. It made more sense in my head.

Carlisle nodded, looking at me closely. "I get it."

I didn't know how he would, but I nodded in agreement.

"You think you can go back to sleep?"

I nodded, hoping I was telling the truth.

He ran his hand thought his hair, pulling a little as he turned for the door.

"Well, I'll be downstairs, instilling the fear of god into the other one if you need me. Here's to the rest of your night being better than mine."

I chuckled. He was funny tonight. Maybe it was just because I hadn't had much sleep. He turned back to look at me again by the door, seemingly please that I was amused.

"You sure you're alright?"

"I'm sure."

"Alright. Happy New Year, Edward. Light off?"

I nodded and he was gone, leaving me in the dark.

I couldn't sleep, wondering what was going on downstairs. He was obviously in a lot of trouble, but I wondered if it was because he had come in my room or because he was drinking or both. How had he gotten home? I hoped he didn't drive himself like that.

I thought about how I had felt about him just a few hours before. I was angry, but why? Maybe it was just because I felt left behind, like he didn't care about me. Maybe I was jealous of his life, full of friends and people other than me.

But now, I wasn't so mad at him. Why? Nothing had changed, he still had left me here and had fun with other friends I didn't know. But maybe he hadn't had so much fun. He said he wanted me to be there. He was thinking about me while he was with them. I smiled involuntarily, feeling much better about myself. I shouldn't, because he was in trouble. But I did.

I guess I was jealous of other people spending time with him, which turned out to be useless because he didn't even want to be with them. What it meant, I had absolutely no idea. But I did know that he had a power over me that was dangerous. In a few hours he had messed with my emotions so much, and without even trying. I should be scared of him, but I wasn't. Somehow, he was different and I didn't seem to be able to want to stay away from him.

Sunday, January 2nd

Emmett was grounded. Esme told me as soon as she saw me on Saturday. She assured me he wasn't going to be doing anything but studying until his exams were over, at least. I didn't see him all day, apparently he was to stay in his room and study.

I tried to tell Esme that I wasn't upset by the whole thing. I was fine, and there was no reason to force Emmett to stay away from me, which was obviously what they were trying to do. She didn't say it, but she definitely didn't believe me.

They did their best, but this afternoon I found him. I came down to find some lunch and there he was, sitting on the couch. He had his feet on the coffee table, slouched down with book leaned against his jean clad knees. I could have snuck by, but I didn't want to. I got a closer look, he was reading from a text book. It looked like chemistry.

I came around to the front of it, put my hands in the big pocket of my hoodie, and plopped down next to him.

Neither said anything for a moment. He closed his book. Sighed.

"Dude…"

I turned my head to look at him. I slouched down on the couch more so I was at his eye level. He looked…sad.

"I don't…I…um," he sputtered, looking very guilty.

"I'm not mad," I told him. Obviously Carlisle and Esme, and probably Emmett too, thought I should be mad. To be honest, I wasn't sure why I wasn't. But looking at him, all sad and nervous, how could I be?

"I'm sorry," he told me quietly.

"It's alright." I shrugged.

"No, it's fucking not. I knew better than that and I scared you and that's the last thing I wanted to do." He was rambling a little, obviously panicked.

"I wasn't really scared. You just…caught me off guard. I was confused for a second is all." I wish I hadn't run into the bathroom. I made a bigger deal about all this than I had to.

"God, I'm such a fucking idiot…" he rolled his eyes, looking at the ceiling.

"For drinking?" I asked, curious to see if that was why he was so upset. Had he never done that before?

"No, I've been drunk before. I mean, I've been to those parties a lot, during football season and stuff. I know not to come back here when I'm like that. I usually stayed over at friend's houses and stuff. I just, I _had_ to come home."

"Why?"

"I don't know… I mean, all I remember is just really wanting to talk to you."

"About what? You didn't make much sense, whatever you were saying."

He sighed, shaking his head again.

"I don't know….it was so stupid." He thought for a minute before asking, "You're really not mad at me?"

Looking back at his face, I tried to make him believe me. "I'm not mad."

"What about before? Before the party, I mean. You were mad at me then too."

I bit my lip, thinking about that one. "Yeah, but I was just in a bad mood. Sorry."

He laughed through his nose again. "You're apologizing to me?"

"I don't know…I guess so."

"Well, you don't need to. If you're still going to talk to me and aren't pissed, that's all I can ask for I guess. Just know I didn't mean to freak you out."

"I know."

We were silent for a few minutes, but it wasn't uncomfortable. I was glad to see and talk to him again. I felt better knowing that things could go back to normal.

"So what are you studying?" I asked, curious about his school work.

He held up the book, "The wonderful field of chemistry, of course. What other past time could be more fascinating?"

I smiled. "You have a test?"

"Yup. Friday. And apparently I won't be doing anything, ever again, so I guess it's a good time to learn this shit."

"Sorry they're so mad…I told them it wasn't a big deal."

"Well, thanks for that, but I don't think they care. Apparently I pissed them off more than you. They know I drink sometimes. As long as I'm safe about it and don't do it all the time, they don't care so much. They always said they would rather I be honest with them than try and hide it. You're just their little lion cub that needs protecting now," he joked, nudging my shoulder with his elbow. "That's the only reason they're mad."

"Great," I said sarcastically.

He chuckled. "It could be worse. At least you're still allowed out of the house."

"Well, that's an ironic twist, isn't it?"

He froze, obviously not expecting that one. But he never thought before talking. If he was going to say stuff like that, he had to be ready for my reaction.

"Shit, man."

I shrugged, "It's true."

"Yeah, but you can't just spring that stuff on me like that."

"Why does it bother you so much if it's true? There's nothing you can do about now."

"I don't know. It's just hard to hear stuff like that. I forget sometimes."

It was actually nice to know that someone saw past the kidnap victim that I was and wanted to spend time with me for _me_.

"Well you told me I could talk to you…" Maybe he didn't mean it.

"Yeah, and you can. Maybe I need a warning though," he was teasing, I could tell, but his mock seriousness required an answer.

"Alright, maybe I'll get a sign, or a flag or something. Then you'll be ready for whatever I could possibly come up with."

"That's perfect. It'll be the 'brace yourself, fucked up shit coming your way' flag."

"I think this could work," I nodded.

"I agree. I'm happy we worked this out."

My smile that I'd been holding in came out then, so fucking happy that I could talk about this stuff without wanting to throw up. And even happier that Emmett seemed to be able to take it.

"Emmett, are you studying?" Esme's stern voice came from atop the stairs.

He held the book up as evidence. "Yes, Mom. Edward is distracting me. Maybe you should ground him."

"No, but I do think I'll make him some lunch. Come on dear, let him do his work. He's in trouble, you know."

She ushered me out of the living room and sat me at the table while she made me a sandwich.

Monday, January 3rd

I laid awake while listening to Emmett get ready for school. His alarm went off. Three times. I heard thumping which I assumed was him rolling out of bed before heading to his shower.

I thought about what my life would be like if I was like him. I would be doing much the same, getting up early and getting dressed, packing my bag and getting a quick breakfast before heading off to high school.

Instead I stayed where I was, listening to the rest of the house prepare for the day from my dark room. Instead, I would be starting homeschooling, sitting in my room and doing the reading and worksheets Esme had gotten in the mail.

I knew I wasn't prepared for something like high school. I accepted that I didn't even want to be ready for that. But that didn't mean I had to like it.

After my own shower and breakfast, although at a slower pace, I did just that. Esme set everything up at my desk and we went over some basic stuff like which chapters we were starting with, which books we would be using today, which books I could do on my own time, that type of thing.

Even though she didn't want me to, I insisted to Esme that I could do it on my own. She didn't need to spend her whole day with me. I could at least read and take notes. She definitely didn't need to be doing the same work with me, that seemed ridiculous.

She hesitantly agreed, settling on checking with me every once in a while and making sure I didn't have any questions.

It was nice to work on this type of stuff again. The new text books, the empty notebooks, the pens and pencils, it all made me almost giddy to have it all in front of me.

Although I enjoyed the few hours I had to study before Esme insisted it was enough for one day, it wasn't the distraction it used to be. I thought about Emmett all day, wondering what he was doing in regular school, wondering what he was going to do when he got home, if he was still in trouble, and most painfully, wondering if he had thought about me at all.

I was starting to realize that it wasn't normal how much I thought about him. It was something other than just a regular friendship, I was pretty sure. Everything I had read and watched on TV indicated that I should think about other people. I shouldn't be jealous of him having other friends. Maybe it was just because I didn't know anybody else, but I was starting to worry about my attachment to him. The fact that everything I did around him I was conscious of, and I paid way more attention to him than I did Alice or anyone else that was in the room. It wasn't normal. I didn't know what to do about it.

When he did get home, I found myself wondering down the stairs to see what he was doing. Not surprisingly, I found him in the kitchen. Alice wasn't with him and for some reason I found myself relieved.

"Hey."

"Oh, hey." He glanced over his shoulder when I greeted him. He was digging through the fridge, finally coming out with a soda for himself and a can of tea for me. My face reddened a little at the thought of him taking notice of what I liked to drink.

"How was school?" I asked him.

"Oh, just peachy. I fucking hate getting up early. You're lucky Esme lets you sleep in."

I shrugged. "I guess so."

"Did you start your school stuff? I saw the package she got with your books it in. Doesn't look like much fun either."

"Yeah, I started. It's not so bad."

He nodded, grabbing a bag of chips from the pantry.

"What's it like?" I asked, hoping it wasn't a really weird question.

"What's what like?"

"School." I didn't make eye contact with him, worried he would be looking at me like I was crazy. The fact that it came out of my mouth was evidence enough that I was starting to trust him. He could have laughed in my face. I was pretty sure he wouldn't.

"You remember school, don't you?"

"Third grade isn't high school…."

"True. But everything works the same way. The kids are just taller and the homework is harder. The maturity level is about the same. Probably isn't as fun…but the basic principles are the same."

I wanted to ask more question, but my interrogation was cut short by the doorbell. We both knew it was Dr. Garrison, but neither of us moved to get it.

There was really nothing that could make me feel more inadequate than my therapist knocking at the door mid-conversation with Emmett. I held back a groan, rolling my eyes instead.

"You could sneak out the back," he suggested. The idea was tempting…. I smiled, appreciating the gesture.

"You, uh…want me to get it?" he asked, obviously confused why I wasn't greeting her myself.

Sighing, I shook my head, standing up and heading to the front door.

The first thing she did once we were settled was ask me how I'd been sleeping.

"Same as before. I tried to do what you said but it didn't help."

She looked dissatisfied. "The first thing you need to understand is that insomnia is, more likely than not, a symptom of the anxiety you have been experiencing. I understand that it can be extremely frustrating, but it could be something that will be ongoing while you continue to deal with the stress of this situation. In the meantime, it's not healthy for you not to be getting adequate sleep, so we need to find a way to deal with it."

I nodded, agreeing but scared as to where she was taking this.

"Are you having dreams?"

I considered this for a moment. I had already decided I didn't want to tell her about the weird vision thing I had the other night. I was just going to hope it was a fluke. I didn't want her to freak out or tell Esme or Carlisle. They'd be worried and ask questions I didn't want to answer. It wasn't really a _dream_, anyway.

"Not really. I mean, I have dreams, but it's not about James or anything bad, at least lately they haven't been." I had been dreaming about Emmett every once in a while, and a lot of times I had dreams I couldn't recall once I woke up. I figured if they were about something bad, I would have remembered.

She nodded. "I ask because sometimes people are under the impression that sleeping pills and the like will stop you from dreaming. Most of the time that's not the case. If you're trying to avoid nightmares, you should tell me but this isn't the way to deal with it."

"I'm not having nightmares," I insisted, hoping she wouldn't press the subject.

"Okay. I need to ask you something else then."

I braced myself, knowing it couldn't be anything good.

"You've been resistant to taking medications before. You downright refused when Carlisle tried to give you medication for your concussion. Why do you think you were so hesitant?"

Thinking back, I regretted telling them about the pills James made me take. When the police questioned me in the Cullen's living room, I told them about how he had drugged me to get me into the car. At the time, I was just trying to defend why I was so easily taken. Now I wished I hadn't said it so I didn't have to talk about it. But she already knew, so there was no point in pretending.

"James made me take them."

She nodded, not surprised. "And you didn't want anyone else taking advantage of you like that?"

"I guess."

"You're giving up some control when you take medicine. You're letting it manipulate your body, but if you use it appropriately and in the right circumstance, they can be helpful, don't you think?"

I nodded in agreement. They few times I had taken the anxiety pills Carlisle gave me, it _was_ helpful. I just didn't want to take them all the time. I didn't think I needed them all the time

"So you would be okay with taking something to help you sleep?"

Thinking about lying in bed all night, not being able to sleep and having thought after thought roll through my mind was so frustrating I knew the answer immediately. I wanted to be able to turn it off like I used to, but there was too much going through my head lately. Bad thoughts seemed to be shoving their way in and I couldn't sleep until I had gone over it in my head, no matter how much I didn't want to.

"I want to try it. I don't know if I'll like it, but…I get all nervous and stuff when I'm just lying there. I can't stop thinking and it drives me crazy. I just want to sleep for a while."

When we were done for the day, she insisted that she speak with Carlisle and Esme before she left. I opted to let her explain the situation for me and basically hid in my room until Esme came up and insisted I come down.

The scene in the living room was…tense. I felt like I was being watched and analyzed. Surely they would be disappointed that I didn't come to them for help. I had to get my therapist to tell them I needed something. It was just uncomfortable for me to ask for stuff like this. But I really wanted to sleep.

It was awkward, but they tried to make it as painless as possible. Carlisle explained that he wasn't comfortable with me taking a strong sleeping pill, and Dr. Garrison agreed. He did think taking an anxiety pill every evening before bed would be a good start. They all seemed to think that would do the trick, and if after a few weeks I still couldn't get to sleep, they would 'reevaluate.' I sounded like a science experiment. I tried to just suck it up and deal with it until it was over, seeing as how I started it in the first place.

After Dr. Garrison had closed the front door behind herself and I thought I was free to go, I headed for the stairs, only to be stopped by Carlisle.

"Edward?" He waited until I turned to look at him before continuing, "I just wanted to tell you that it's okay that you didn't come to us first. We're not upset, as long as you told _somebody_, you did a good job."

"Okay." I looked at my feet. I honestly hadn't considered bothering them with this. It was just easier to tell Dr. Garrison because she _had_ to talk to me all the time anyway. She wanted to know my problems, and it seemed more natural to mention it to her.

"But you can talk to us about anything, anytime. You know that, right? You don't have to suffer by yourself with things like this, just let us know and we can work on it."

"Okay."

"Dinner will be in a few hours," Esme told me, obviously knowing I wanted to get out of there.

That night, after dinner, a few chapters of reading a novel off the reading list Esme gave me, and finally a hot shower, I was thinking about heading to bed.

Opening the cabinet where the little orange bottle had rested since I experimented with the pills the last time, I grabbed the container, reading the label. It had my name on it, and Dr. Garrison's name, and the name of some pharmacy I had never heard of. It had a warning on it that said not to take more than 6 pills in 24 hours. I hoped I would never be so bad that I would need to be cautious of that warning.

Did I really want to start this? After struggling to open the stubborn lid, I dumped one little white pill out of the palm of my hand. I was a little afraid that if I got used to taking these, I wouldn't be able to sleep without them.

But I wanted it to work. I just wanted something to turn my mind off. I was so tired of not being able to. And I had asked for help, this is what they gave me. They told me to do this, so I had to now, didn't I?

I threw it in my mouth, turning on the faucet and cupping water in my hand before swallowing it with the pill.

Doing anything not to start thinking about what the chemicals were doing to me, I grabbed the laptop. I got under the covers, trying to get comfy. I went to the website Esme showed me where I could watch _Lost_, the show she got me hooked on the other night. Clicking though, I found what episode I was on and pressed play. It was easier to focus on the show, but I wasn't feeling very sleepy yet. I knew I was supposed to be relaxing and trying to sleep, but I would freak out if I had nothing to do with my mind right now.

A few minutes after I settled down, there was a knock on the door and I knew who it was before she came in. I paused the show.

"Yeah?"

She peeked her head in, staying mostly in the hall.

"How are you doing?"

I found it a little weird talking to her from my position under the covers. "I'm good."

"Did you take your pill?" she said, trying to sound casual but obviously a little worried.

I got a funny feeling in my stomach. Like helplessness or something. I didn't like that she asked.

"Yeah."

"And you're feeling okay? Ready for bed?"

"I'm not really tired yet, but yeah."

"Okay, don't want too much TV. Come down and let us know if you can't sleep."

"Okay." No way would I do that.

"Goodnight, honey."

She left me alone. When the episode ended, I closed the computer, taking her advice.

I checked the clock. Stared at the ceiling. Slowly but surely I felt myself growing drowsy. I focused on that, feeling my limbs grow weaker and my mind start to go fuzzy.

Tuesday, January 4th

I never got to check the clock again, so I don't know how long it took me to fall asleep. But it wasn't long. Or at least it didn't feel as long as usual. When I tried to think of the last thing I remembered, I really couldn't do it.

I woke up around nine, which was later than usual, but not _too_ late. The fact that I didn't wake up to hear Emmett leave this morning was a bit of a concern, but maybe I was just really tired from the night before.

When Esme asked how I felt, the same feeling of weakness took over me and I tried to brush her off.

She insisted we talk about it. "You can tell me if you didn't like it, you don't have to keep taking them. We just need to make a good decision for you."

Frustrated, I told her, "I don't know yet." I just wanted to be left alone to make this decision. I didn't like having to tell them everything about my whole thought process. I was dealing with it.

"But you still want to try them?"

"Yes." Obviously. Before she could keep questioning me, I took my bowl of cereal to the sink, quickly rinsed it and went to leave the kitchen. "I'm going to start." I was definitely ready for a little distraction and reading some American History would probably do it for me.

"Do you need any help?" she asked, a little too eagerly.

"No." I felt bad instantly. It came out way too harshly. "Thanks," I added quietly before heading up the stairs for my room.

When I heard Emmett arrive home, I turned off my keyboard and headed downstairs, recognizing the new pattern emerging in my day. I just wanted to talk to him, was all. Nothing wrong with that.

He was eating again, this time an entire sandwich. There was already a tea set out on the counter for me. I sat on the bar stool, watching him eat.

"You don't have a meeting thing today, do you?" he asked between bites.

"Nope."

"Do you want to go somewhere with me? It won't take too long."

"I thought you were grounded."

"Yeah, but its school related."

I scrunched my eyebrows, wondering why he wanted me to come to a school related anything when I didn't go to his school. Was I even allowed?

Seeing my hesitation, he continued. "I just forgot a book is all. I need it to study. I'm just gonna run back to school and get it out of my locker. No big deal."

"Oh." Thinking about his offer, I thought I knew what he was doing. Why would he all of a sudden forget a book he needed? And why would he want me to come on such an errand. I was thinking he maybe was trying to show me his school, because I had asked him about it yesterday. Even if that wasn't his intent, it sounded like a good idea to me. I was curious, and surely there wouldn't be many people there after school. It was as good a time as any.

"Yeah, okay."

"Cool, I'll go let Esme know."

The school was big. I had seen it before, just in passing, but sitting here in the parking lot looking up at it, it seemed very intimidating. Most of parking lot was empty. I didn't see many people either, just a few that looked to be running in a grassy area to the side. I guess it was some type of sport's practice, but I didn't know what it would be.

"You ready?" Emmett asked me, not moving until I nodded.

The big hallways, the locker lined walls, the tiled floors, the open classroom door, it all was like something out of a dream. I remembered it all, of course, but actually stepping into such as place again was very strange. My stomach was doing little flips. I was nervous and felt like I shouldn't be here.

Emmett didn't say anything, just lead me through the halls to his locker. I stopped next to him while he turned the lock, staying close but turned around, looking at everything. The clock high on the wall, the posters for musical auditions, all of it seemed so normal yet so unreachable.

"That's my English class." Emmett pointed to my left, at an open door. I could see that the light was off but plenty of sun was still streaming in from the windows. "You can go in, if you want. Nobody's in there."

My suspicions were now confirmed. He wanted to better answer my question from the day before. I nodded, accepting the invitation and slowly making my way towards the door.

The room felt familiar. The desks all lined up facing the front where a chalk board and teachers desk were the focal point. Stacks of papers and a computer sat on the big desk, waiting for grading or handing back no doubt. There were verb charts and a student code of conduct poster hanging on the wall. Books sat on shelves on the edges of the room.

Emmett snuck up behind me, making me jump when he asked, "Is it everything you dreamed?" in a fake, whimsical voice.

I smiled a little but couldn't laugh at his joke. I tried to picture Emmett sitting in one of these desks, taking notes from the board. It was hard to imagine.

"Where do you sit?" I asked.

"Ah, well usually I'm shit out of luck because my last name is a 'C' and most teachers alphabetize the seating charts. I hate sitting in the front. But Mr. Ross teaches this class and he thinks he's clever because he _reverse_ alphabetizes. That means I get the best seat in the house," he explained, putting his hand on the back of a desk's chair closest to the door.

Imagining myself sitting in his seat, doing homework or taking tests, I felt panic rising in my stomach. Too many other desks were around, too many people, too many questions, too many expectations. I wouldn't have the first clue about how to _do_ school.

"What do you think?" Emmett sounded hopeful, why, I didn't know.

"It makes me a little nauseous," I replied truthfully. Why I felt I could be so honest with him, I would never know, but it made him laugh so I guess it was a good thing.

"Yeah, I think school has that effect on lots of people."

Just then, a man with a cart full of what looked like cleaning supplies stuck his head in the room.

"Are you two supposed to be in here?" he said in a ruff voice.

"We're leaving now, Mr. Philips. Just came back to get a book." Emmett held up the text book as evidence.

"Well get going, I'm trying to mop."

Fearing that we were in a lot of trouble, I looked to Emmett, wanting him to move faster. Clearly I wasn't supposed to be here and I should get moving before I caused any more trouble.

"Ready?" he asked when the older man had pushed his cart on down the hall.

I nodded, eager to get out of here. I walked a lot faster than I had on the way in and Emmett noticed.

"Hey, slow down. We're not in trouble or anything," Emmett laughed as he grabbed my sleeve to slow me down.

"But he was kinda mad, I don't think I should be in here. I'm not even a student."

"He's just a grumpy old man, don't worry about it. Want to see the football field?"

"No, let's just go." I was tense now, anxious to be back in the car.

When we were finally seated back in the jeep, Emmett made no move to start the car.

"Sorry if that was a bad idea. It's just, you said you wanted to know what it was like. I just wanted to show you it wasn't that big of a deal. It's just school." Actually, it was a huge deal. School was never _just_ school, not to me.

"You ever think about going back to a real school?"

"No."

"Why not? You could come with me, I'm sure we could work it out so most of your classes were with me or Alice. Once you got used to it, it wouldn't be so bad."

How could I ever explain to Emmett that I would never be able to do that? It just wasn't a good idea. Not only did I not want to, there was no point and Dr. Garrison already basically told me no without even asking.

"I just…I don't want to."

"Why?"

"It's too many people."

"You'd get used to them."

He had told me to trust him, showed me that he trusted me, and now it was my turn to be honest with him. It didn't scare me nearly as much as it should. "I don't know if I would. Besides, they would all talk about me and I could never stay…_calm_, you know? I'd be freaking out. Not really beneficial to the learning process."

"Yeah, they probably would for a while, but they would get over it. I think you could do it."

"It's not just that. I mean, think about it, I can't even eat breakfast in public without nearly having a panic attack, there's no way I'd be able to do this every day for what? Like six or seven hours? There's no way." I was rambling, something I never did. The words just kept coming and I couldn't or didn't want to stop them.

"Dude, calm down."

"But I should be able to do this, your mother shouldn't have to teach me stuff I should be able to learn like a regular person. It's ridiculous if you think about it."

"It's not ridiculous. You don't have to do anything. High school sucks, man I don't blame you at all for avoiding it."

"You just told me it didn't suck."

"Well, it does. I just want you to come to school with me. I honestly do think you would like it eventually. But kids are mean and there's bullshit homework and it's stressful."

"You think it's stressful?" I asked, doubting that Emmett was every really stressed out.

"Fuck yeah, man. I mean, everyone is judging you and teenagers are already like programmed to worry about shit like that. Plus now it's even worse…" He trailed off at the end, sounding the most vulnerable I had ever heard him sound. I was confused, not understanding what Emmett would have to worry about. I mean, he had friends, he was athletic, and he was good at basically everything.

"What do you mean? You're life is like perfect."

"No, it's definitely not. Maybe it was, but I'm…fucking confused now and I don't know what to do. Hiding shit is getting way too hard and lying to everyone isn't going to work forever." He was rambling now, and he really did seem freaked out. In a way it was kind of a relief, to see him be the one panicking instead of me, but I also didn't like seeing him so unhappy.

"What would you have to hide?" I was hesitant, not sure if I really wanted to know. But he was always offering to help me, maybe it was my turn to listen to him.

He shook his head, not making eye contact.

"I can't tell you."

My first reaction was to agree, I didn't deserve to know something so important. He should tell somebody else. But then, Emmett did seem unsure, maybe he _should_ tell me. I didn't know anybody, whatever it was, he was obviously freaked out about people knowing. I would never tell anybody.

"Tell me what?" I pressed.

He took a shaky breath. Didn't look at me. Fiddled with his keys.

"Do you…do you promise not to say anything? To anybody?"

"Yeah, I promise."

"Because literally nobody knows. I don't want to tell anybody, but it's getting exhausting, holding it all in and pretending. It hasn't even been that long since I figured it out. I don't know how I'm going to get through the rest of high school like this."

"Okay," I insisted, curious and scared at the same time. It sounded bad. When he didn't continue, I asked, "Did you do something?" Maybe he was going to be in trouble if somebody found out, that's why he didn't want to tell.

"No, I didn't do anything. That's kinda the problem. I _want_ to do something."

I waited now. If he wanted to tell me, he would get there on his own. I knew from personal experience that people pressuring you to say something only made you want to say it less.

Taking a final deep breath, he spoke. The words that came out of his mouth were mostly confusing, but also shocking, and a little scary all at the same time. I had never been at such a loss for words.

"Edward?"

"Yeah?"

"Edward, I'm gay."


	21. Chapter 21

EmPOV

On Monday, when Edward asked me what school was like, it made my insides turn. I knew he hadn't been since he was eight, so I understood why he asked. But what got me was the…longing in his voice when he brought it up. He was trying to sound casual, I could tell. And I didn't know if it was a desire to actually go to school, or to just know what it was like, or if it was a longing to just have something normal, but it was there and I knew he wanted it, which made me just ache. I had always assumed that he didn't want to go to school. I mean, if I had the choice, I don't think I would either. But for him, school would be hard. Like, ten times the amount of work anyone else had to put in and that fact was that he didn't need to. He could have it so much easier at home with Mom. I thought he knew that. I assumed he was happy for it.

All that night I had been thinking about if I should do what I had planned or not. I looked around myself during school, trying to block out the students and just see the frame of what high school was. I tried to focus on what he would physically see, the building, the lockers, the desks, the books. Could he handle seeing all of that? I thought so. But that's not what he was asking about. He would have to image everything else. Was it worth it?

Finally, I decided that yes, it was. When I got home from school, I basically tricked him into running back with me so he could see what he had been missing for the last half of his life.

I didn't know what I wanted. On the one hand I wanted him to see that it might not be so bad. Maybe if he really wanted to, he could come back to school here on his own. He could have a year or two of normal. I would get to help him through it all and it would be amazing to see him doing something like this. But on the other hand, I saw that vision for what it really was. Unlikely, stressful, and terrifying for someone like Edward. So then I wanted to change his mind the other way, convince him that it was all shitty and nobody liked it here.

I never quite made up my mind and when Edward was standing there, staring at my English classroom, I hoped that he could get some type of mixture of both, something close to the truth.

Edward basically bolting out of the building told me which side he ended up listening to. He was scared, and I couldn't really blame him. Hopefully I had at least satisfied his curiosity a little bit.

It was the least I could do after the friendship he had shown me.

New Year's Eve had been one of the biggest disasters of my life. I went to that party with people I didn't even really like, knowing I wasn't doing it to have a good time. I was doing it to avoid both Rosalie and Edward. Rosalie for obvious reasons, Edward because I was scared. I was freaked out about where my mind was constantly going with him and I was terrified of how I was going to deal with it. I had only been living with the secret of how I felt about him for a little while and it was already breaking me down.

When I finally admitted to myself that I was gay, it was because of him. So it was like I gained and lost something all at the same time. Now I was trying to figure out how I could be _me_, but felt like I was skipping a step. If I wasn't going to tell anyone I was gay, and I couldn't be with Edward in any way, then I wasn't really being myself and I might as well have kept lying to Rose. It would have been so much easier even if I felt bad about it. I felt fucking lost now, just bopping in between the old me and the new me. I didn't know where the hell I was supposed to go from here and I didn't know how long I could last like this. All the way to college? That seemed impossible.

I thought about telling someone. Alice and my parents were out, it would just be too weird and I wasn't at all ready to take that chance. I was about nighty percent sure they would still love me, but I couldn't really _know_ until I did it and that was a huge fucking chance to take. I had no idea what I would say afterwards and I just wasn't prepared. Even if they were totally okay with it, there was no way they could ever treat me exactly the same as before they knew.

Telling a guy friend was completely insane, as soon as I considered it I realized how stupid that would be. Telling someone like Jake would probably freak him the fuck out. He would probably never want to talk to me again, or worse would tell someone like Bella, who would tell everyone else. Plus, he would most likely have nothing to say that would make me feel any better.

Rosalie briefly crossed my mind. But there was the original problem of making her feel like if was somehow her fault I was like this or weirded out that she had been with me for so long. She would only be more upset. I couldn't do that.

So basically, I was stuck like this. Feeling alone and fucking confused about what to do with my life. I went to that party, thinking I could just feel normal for a night. I did my best, having a few beers with my friends and being carefree for a few hours.

Unfortunately, it was all I could do to keep my mouth shut about how ridiculous I thought their high school drama was. Who was taking to who and who was going to break up and who got cheated on, I just didn't care. It was hard for me to sit there and pretend that I did. All I kept thinking about was Edward, what he was doing, how his night was, and how I should have spent it with him. I wanted him to be there with me, most of all. He would understand the ridiculousness and I could actually talk to him about something that mattered to us.

By the end of the night, I had a few too many and spent basically all of my energy trying not to blab about my feelings for Edward to the dude who had offered me a ride home.

The rest of the night was bizarre. I remembered and was aware of everything, but it was all too easy to convince myself to burst into Edward's room, trying to talk to him, and then to yell at my parents, even though I knew I shouldn't do any of those things. It wasa over before I could get a grip on the situation and as I sobered up, I wanted to bang my head against a wall until my sanity came back.

I feared the worst, thinking I had ruined everything with Edward. He was probably terrified of me now. He would want me to stay away from him forever and my parents made it clear I was to do just that.

The grounding they gave me was nothing to the mental punishment I gave myself. I was severely depressed and wallowing in the horrific future I had brought upon myself for all of a day and a half. Just enough time for Edward to save me.

When he plopped down on the couch next to me, I thought I was seeing things. When he swore he wasn't mad at me, I thought it was a miracle.

I was so relieved afterwards, I wasn't even upset about being grounded or the extra supervision my parents were giving me in preparation for finals.

I was shocked that I hadn't upset him by bursting in on him in the middle of the night. Given his past, I could only imagine that such a thing would scare the shit out of him or remind him of some type of horrific memory. That was the absolutely last thing I ever wanted to do. I wasn't sure if I believed him when he promised I didn't.

If he wasn't lying, that must be some sign that he trusted me, right? I really hoped so.

Once the two of us were safely back in my car, Edward started freaking out a little. I tried to calm him down before he was past the point of no return.

Basically, I was backtracking as fast as I could, trying to convince him that everybody was stressed out by high school. It didn't take long before I let too much slip.

He insisted my life was perfect. I couldn't let him continue to think that when it was so far from the truth.

"No, it's definitely not. Maybe it was, but I'm…fucking confused now and I don't know what to do. Hiding shit is getting way too hard and lying to everyone isn't going to work forever."

"What would you have to hide?"

I couldn't explain, even though I wanted to so badly.

"I can't tell you."

"Tell me what?" he asked.

I felt sick. Like I was on the edge and this was the second I either manned up and took the step off or turned and ran away. I wanted to know what the step off would feel like. Because being stuck up here fucking sucked and I didn't want to hide anymore. I was scared of what it would feel like if I stayed hidden for a really long time. I didn't want to know what that was like, and this might be my only shot out.

"Do you…do you promise not to say anything? To anybody?"

"Yeah, I promise." He said it easily, like it wasn't a problem at all.

"Because literally nobody knows. I don't want to tell anybody, but it's getting exhausting, holding it all in and pretending. It hasn't even been that long since I figured it out. I don't know how I'm going to get through the rest of high school like this." The nerves were making me babble. Or maybe I was procrastinating. Probably both.

"Okay," he sounded confused. "Did you do something?"

I almost laughed. If only it was that simple. If I was failing a class or hit somebody's car, it would be so easy. It seemed like trying to keep the fact that I liked guys a secret was worst thing I would ever have to do.

"No, I didn't do anything. That's kinda the problem. I _want_ to do something." That's what was scary. How long could I go before I told Edward that I liked him? Or even before it became too obvious to others watching.

Maybe if I told him part of it, I would be okay for a while. It would be such a relief, maybe I wouldn't even need to ever tell him that he was what made me realize I was like this. If I could just have one person that understood, it would be so much better. I would be okay.

I took a deep breathe, rushing through it before I could change my mind or think all the consequences through.

"Edward?"

"Yeah?"

"Edward, I'm gay."

Silence. The whole fucking world was silent and frozen for several seconds. I knew I wasn't breathing and I didn't even think my pulse was continuing to beat regularly.

My panic increased with each passing second. I shouldn't have told him. It would scare him. It would be awkward for him every time he was around me. I ruined everything, again. Why couldn't I just leave it alone?

I was about three seconds from throwing up when he spoke.

"Oh."

I blinked rapidly, trying to figure that out.

"_Oh_?" I asked, having no idea how to process the fact that I just told him the most important secret of my life and all he gives me is a single emotionless syllable. My eyes finally broke the stare they had previously had with the steering wheel as I tried to get some type of read on him, anything that would clue me in on what the hell I was supposed to do now.

"Um…I mean, I…." he looked surprisingly calm, yet at a loss for words. I could understand that. I tried to give him a minute to process it all, but it was really fucking hard to sit and wait for his final judgment of me. I wanted to defend myself. I forced my mouth to stay shut.

"Okay." The single word he finally came up with wasn't much better than the first, as far as information went, but sometimes he needed some prying.

"What do you mean _okay_? Okay what?"

His mouth opened and closed a few times as he reached for something to say. "I don't know what I'm supposed to say."

In a moment of weakness, I threw all my patience out the window and demanded an answer from him.

"Are you _bothered_ by me liking guys?" That was about as tame as I could put it.

He hadn't looked at me once since I had said the word 'gay' and I really wanted him to. He didn't. And he didn't answer right away again, which was seriously hard to take.

"It doesn't bother me." He answered after several minutes and the fact that he took so long could mean one of two things. The first was that he really was freaked out by it and he didn't want to cause a scene, so he took a few seconds to figure out how to lie about it so I would believe him. The second was much more preferable, that he was simply surprised by my admission and needed a few seconds to process, now that he had, he was honestly okay with the idea. I didn't know if I was just being paranoid, but both of the options seemed equally likely.

"Are you sure?"

He swallowed and cleared his throat before finally, finally looking at me.

"I'm sure." He looked confused as fuck and a little bit freaked out, but I'm sure I did too.

"We can still, you know, be friends?" I felt like a twelve year old girl asking him that, but I needed to know.

I thought I saw the tips of his ears turn red at my question. He looked away before nodding.

Neither one of us said anything. We just sat, thinking.

The feeling of complete relief I had been hoping for didn't exactly come. If it was possible, I felt even more confused.

I had no idea what he was thinking about, but when I glanced back at him, his eyebrows were scrunched as if in deep thought. If he really was freaked out, he was doing a pretty good job of hiding it. I didn't think he was that good of a liar. Maybe he just needed time to process.

"I'll drive you home," I mumbled, realizing that we were still sitting in the empty lot. Mom would be wondering where we were. Also, if Edward was bothered by what I said, he didn't have any way to get away from me right now. It wasn't really fair of me to drop something like that on him while he was basically a prisoner in my car.

We didn't speak the whole way home. When we climbed out of the car, he didn't look at me until we were right in front of the door.

Hesitantly, he asked, "We're still okay, right?"

The relief I had been waiting for came all at once then. He still wanted us to be okay. That was about as much as I could ask for. I didn't need a big speech from him, telling me he accepted me for who I was and was glad I trusted him or any of that. I knew I completely sprung this on him. He had probably never considered this possibility and he was way more surprised than I was. The fact that he hadn't gone running from me was huge and the quiet, subtle acceptance he just gave me was enough to make me smile, genuinely happy.

"We're okay."

"Because I don't know what I'm supposed to say to this kind of thing but it really doesn't matter to me and I hope you don't think I was being like…rude or anything I just…I wasn't expecting that, you know?"

I smiled again, happy that he was finally giving me something to work with.

"I get it. Sorry I sprung it on you like that."

"No, I mean, it's okay. I'm glad you told me, I think. Do you…do you feel better?" he asked hesitantly.

"I'm not really sure yet. I think so. Maybe. Just different." It hadn't really sunk in yet that somebody knew, not to mention _Edward_. I couldn't really believe I had done it.

He nodded. I nodded. We stood there awkwardly for a second before Esme opened the door, making us both jump.

"I thought I heard someone out here. What took you so long? You're supposed to be grounded, Emmett," she said sternly.

"I am, I just went back for a book, like I said."

"I don't see any books."

I looked around like an idiot, like the book would magically jump out of my car and fly onto the step by my feet.

"Oh, sorry. I left it in the car." I turned to go get it.

"It must not have been that important if you forgot it twice..."

Hoping she wouldn't read too much into my actions today, I got my book as fast as I could and followed her and Edward inside the house. As we went about business as usual, me doing some homework, Edward reading something for school, Mom doing work on her laptop, I started to feel better and better.

I had told someone. The world hadn't ended. In fact, Edward seemed thoroughly indifferent about the whole thing. It was about as honest and unbiased opinion as I could get and the fact that no hateful or judgmental words came from him just made me want him that much more.

EPOV

Tuesday, January 4th

Emmett said he was…gay. I knew what the word meant, but somehow my brain wasn't processing the concept.

Logically, I had no example of a gay relationship in my past, so it made sense that I didn't get it. But I did _get_ it, I mean, I knew what it meant, I just had never thought about that possibility before. It hadn't occurred to me that Emmett could be like that.

It didn't make a lot of sense. He dated Rosalie, from what I understood, pretty seriously. Why would he date a girl if he liked guys?

Why was he telling me this?

What did it mean, for him? For us? Would he be different around me? Should I be different around him?

I had literally no idea. I had nobody to ask either, because he made me promise not to tell anyone. Not that I would really want to tell someone anyway. But I was fucking confused and I didn't know what to do about it.

I didn't say much in the car, not at all sure what was expected of me. I wish I had time to prepare for this, plan out what I was going to say or something. It was obviously a big deal for Emmett and I hoped I hadn't ruined it.

When we got back to the house, I was slowly realizing that it was way too awkward. Neither of us had said anything for a while and that was unusual. I didn't want anything to be different about us and I would make sure it wasn't, as much as I could control at least.

"We're still okay, right?" I asked nervously.

The smile on his face told me I had finally said the right thing.

"We're okay."

"Because I don't know what I'm supposed to say to this kind of thing but it really doesn't matter to me and I hope you don't think I was being like…rude or anything I just…I wasn't expecting that, you know?" I rambled because I felt like I should explain myself and I didn't know how.

He kept smiling and I felt better and better.

"I get it. Sorry I sprung it on you like that." He was the last person I thought should be sorry here.

Esme interrupted our conversation shortly after and we went inside, pretending that everything was normal.

And it was. Sorta. In fact, I almost forgot about what Emmett had told me.

When we were all sitting around the dinner table eating the pot roast Esme made, I watched him. I wanted to see if anything was different. If what he had told me was going to change things, he would surely act differently, right? If he was a different person, he would do something to show me.

He did nothing.

He was his usual, loud, slightly annoying self and while I was oddly relieved, I also almost wished he had done something bizarre. That way I could at least have something that I could recognize that went with what he told me earlier. It was confusing without anything to pair with what he told me. It was like it didn't happen, but I knew it did. I just didn't know what to make of the whole thing. Or even if I _should_ make anything of it.

After dinner, Esme excused Emmett and Alice so they could keep studying for their tests which apparently started soon. That left myself and Carlisle to help her with clearing the table and the dishes. It was something I did often at James' house but she rarely let me do here. I found the busy work oddly comforting.

When we were done and the kitchen was back to its usual spotless self, I turned to leave.

"Edward? Can I speak with you for a moment before you head up?"

Stopping dead in my tracks, I scolded myself for not seeing this coming. They got me alone like this on purpose and I didn't even realize what they were doing.

"About what?" I didn't turn around to look at him, hopefully doing something to convince him to make whatever it was quick because I wanted to go.

"Can we sit?"

Sighing, I turned back to the table and sat on the edge of my usual seat, leaving my chair far enough back that I would have no trouble getting out quickly.

Carlisle followed suit, sitting in his usual seat across from me and folding his hands on top of the table. Esme stayed where she was, leaning against the counter. This conversation was apparently just for me and Carlisle.

I chewed on the inside of my cheek nervously, wondering what I had done or what this formal talk could possibly be about.

"You're not in trouble or anything, relax," he said with a smile in his voice, as if it was silly for me to be tense. I didn't relax and I didn't look at him.

I stared at his crossed fingers, which were clenching and unclenching over and over. He was uncomfortable too. That was interesting.

"Anyway, so I have some things to share with you, and I hope you're not upset with the way Esme and I have chosen to handle this situation. You should know that we are only trying to look out for your best interests."

Having no idea where he was going with this, my eyebrows scrunched in confusion. He didn't continue, and it had peeked my interest.

"What things?"

"Well, mainly things having to do with the case."

"Oh." I wasn't sure I wanted to know anything about the legal stuff surrounding James. "I'm not testifying." He didn't need to waste his time trying to convince me of that, if that's what this was all about.

"I understand. I'm not going to try and change your mind."

Good.

He sighed, as if frustrated, then ran his hands over his face like he was regrouping.

When he continued again, he sounded tired. Like he didn't want to have this conversation either.

"I get a call from one of the detectives handling James's case in Seattle about once a week. They update me on the progress of the investigation and subsequently, the trial."

A wave of confusion mixed with a little bit of panic washed over me. Investigation? Trial? I didn't want to deal with any of it and I thought I had made that clear. The fact that Carlisle was getting regular progress reports about it made me feel horrible. It made me feel like a burden. Nobody wanted to deal with that stuff and he obviously felt he had to, because of me.

"Some information has been coming in for the past few weeks that is…important, at least Esme and I feel it is. We understand that this is stressful for you and that is partially why I field the information first. It's important to us that you are allowed to be a teenager, and hearing this type of information regularly doesn't make that very easy."

As much as I wanted to tell him that I didn't need his _information_ to make being a teenager hard, that it was near impossible with what I already knew, I bit my tongue.

"That being said, we feel like there is enough known at this point to fill in some gaps for you and answer most of the questions you might have about it. We won't be able to answer everything, but we think there's enough to make a good start of it."

My stomach was fluttering uncontrollably, I felt sick, and I'm pretty sure if I unclenched my fist, they would be shaking.

"And what exactly do you think I would ever want to ask questions about?" Last I checked, they wanted to ask _me_ questions. Why all of a sudden did they think they had anything I wanted to know about? I was there, I lived it. I knew what happened.

Calmly, he answered, "Information about James. His past, his-"

"Why the fuck would I want to know anything else about him?" I cut him off, it was rude, but I didn't want to hear anything he could tell me.

He paused for a moment, obviously surprised at my outburst. His hands were held up in a sort of defensive gesture before he continued.

"You have every right to know what I've been told. If you have ever had any unanswered questions or if things didn't quite make sense, this investigation might be able to answer some of it for you. You don't have to hear it from me, or from anyone for that matter, but we feel that it's important you know the information is out there, in case you want it."

"I don't." I really needed to get out of this room. I was feeling trapped and hot and confused, and I just wanted to be by myself. "I just…" I didn't know. I jumped to my feet, frustrated and overwhelmed. Passing Esme and not looking at her, I basically ran towards the doorway.

"Edward, wait, please," Carlisle said.

I stopped, for some reason unable to disobey him right then. I stayed facing the doorway, my freedom, and couldn't bring myself to look back at the people who were just trying to help.

"I'm sorry I sprung this on you. I would like to share what I learned from the detectives with Dr. Garrison. If you're not comfortable talking to us, you can go to her."

I hated the thought of more people knowing the dirty secrets of my life before the Cullens. Even someone who was apparently sworn to secrecy.

"I'd appreciate your permission to do that," he added.

He didn't need my permission. We both knew that. He was trying to be considerate, yet it felt a little condescending.

"Whatever." Anything to get out of that kitchen, and away from James.

Wednesday, January 5th

One restless night and some English homework later, I was sitting across from Dr. Garrison, regretting allowing Carlisle to tell her anything.

In an ironic sort of way, I was kind of glad both Emmett and Carlisle chose yesterday to tell me their news. I mean, if they had spread it out, I would have spent multiple days constantly thinking about both. This way, I at least could share my brain space with both, so I only thought about each half as much. It might have been more confusing this way, but it was sort of nice when one got too overwhelming to actually be able to focus on something else.

I assumed Dr. Garrison would at least bring up whatever Carlisle had told her, but in the first five minutes, she only asked me how my schoolwork was going and how I'd been sleeping, stuff like that. I could sense that this was a slow build up. I braced myself for what I knew would come.

"I wanted to tell you that Carlisle did bring me up to speed on the investigation information. I agree with the way he's been handling it. When you're ready to hear it, one of us will be ready and willing to tell you."

_When_ I was ready. Not if. When. They all just assumed I wanted this information. It was hard knowing if I did or not. Forget about all the little details I'm sure they had, I wasn't even going to let them tell me what it was _about_, if I could help it. How would I know if knowing would make me feel better or not? It was best to keep it like this.

Instead of trying to explain this to her, I let it rest and psyched myself up to ask her another question. One that related to both topics I spent all night contemplating. It wasn't surprising that the two had crossed paths.

I had to constantly remind myself that Dr. Garrison was sworn to secrecy, that she was there to _help_ me, and she wouldn't judge me. She told me all the time I could ask her anything that crossed my mind.

"I don't want to know what the police told him. I don't care what it is. But can I ask you another question about him?"

"Of course." She folded her hands on her lap and leaned back in her chair, as if patiently waiting for me to speak.

I second guessed myself for the hundredth time probably, but she was a psychiatrist, right? She would know all the terms and stuff, and she would understand James probably better than I did, at least the technical side of everything.

"Is he…like, would you call him gay?"

I knew my face was red. I was pointedly staring at my jean covered knee, but I was still happy I had forced it out. Not that it really had anything to do with Emmett, but his confession had made me think. I hadn't ever really considered putting a label on what James was, but maybe there was one? I just wanted to make sense of it a little bit.

She only took about two seconds to answer, her tone confident. "No, I don't think James is gay."

"But, like, what is the difference?" If he wasn't gay, why did he want to do all that stuff to me?

This time, she hesitated. Just for a second.

"Being gay means someone is attracted to another person of the same sex. James was not attracted to another man. He took you when you were a small child. The two are very different things." After a breath, she spoke cautiously and a little hesitantly, which wasn't like her. "Have you ever heard the term pedophile?"

I regretted bringing this up basically immediately, but it was too late now. I nodded. "The nurses at the hospital called him that."

She sounded shocked when she asked, "They said that to you?"

Shaking my head, I clarified. "They thought I was asleep. I heard them talking."

"_Such a disgusting old pedophile. Just imagine what this boy has been through at the hands of that crazy man, it's a wonder he made it out alive."_

"_How are these creeps just out walking the streets? Our own kids are at risk here, it just makes me sick." _

I remembered they had whispered it, but I could hear loud and clear. I was scared and they were making it worse. I was afraid that everyone would know what he had done to me. I didn't want anyone to know.

Dr. Garrison made a disturbed, irritated huff before moving on.

"A pedophile is a person who is attracted to children, females or males. Sometimes men who are drawn to boys also have a wife or girlfriend. It's a different matter altogether. Gay relationships can be perfectly healthy and loving, while nothing about an adult seeking out a child is healthy. Do you understand the difference?"

I nodded, embarrassed and a little sick to my stomach.

"Why is he like that? I mean why him and not other people?"

"There are many people in the world who think like him, to different degrees, although not all choose to act on their feelings like he did. Technically pedophilia is a metal disorder. Nobody will ever completely understand his motives, but it's probably a combination of some mental predispositions and possibly events in his past that drove him to act how he did."

I nodded again, not looking up. I had no idea what I was supposed to be feeling about all of this. I mean, I always thought he was crazy, that something was wrong with him. It wasn't normal behavior, even as an eight year old I knew that. But now that it had a name and was a _mental disorder_, if felt weird. Like he had an excuse for what he did.

"Can I ask _you_ something now?"

I shrugged.

"Did you ever notice him changing how he acted as you got older? Maybe when your voice started to change or you started growing facial hair?"

At first I didn't know what she meant. How was I supposed to tell why he was acting weird? How did I know what made him mad from one day to the next? But then I realized what she was talking about.

"Yeah. He was really mad. He made me shave or…or he would do it. It always annoyed him." Annoyed was a bit of an understatement, actually. If there was anything at all on my face, he could barely look at me until it was gone.

"Do you think that might have been because you were growing up? You were getting bigger and more mature and he wanted you to stay as a child."

Sometimes I became so frustrated with him. He would be angry with me for things that were so far beyond my control, I never knew what to do to fix it. How was that fair? I did the best I could to keep him happy with me. He never saw that.

"Edward, this is a big step, and it's just one step in the process of you healing, but it is important that you have an understanding of why he acted the way he did. That may take time, especially for you to come to some type of peace with the reality of his actions. But what is much more important is that you realize what really matters is what you can control. His actions are over and done with. You don't need to dwell on his motives forever."

I couldn't imagine a time where I wouldn't think about what he did, what made him do it, or why he did it to _me_. She might think it wasn't important, but it was the only thing that really made a difference in my life, up until when I ran away. I had been so helpless. His actions were what ran my whole life. How could I not dwell on them? I hoped someday, somehow I would be able to find out.

After saying goodbye to Dr. Garrison for the day, I did some more school work, mostly reading from a book list Esme gave me. I knew Emmett was home and I hadn't seen him yet today. I was a little afraid to go find him, worried that things would be weird. The more I thought about it though, the more I decided that by me avoiding him, I was actually the one making it weird.

I went downstairs to see if he was around, but I couldn't find him. I sat by myself and watched some TV for a while before setting the table for Esme and chatting with her a little before dinner. When Emmett did finally emerge from upstairs, he claimed he'd been studying all afternoon. I wasn't sure if I believed him. Maybe I was paranoid.

Carlisle wasn't home from work yet, so it was just the four of us. Alice had tests starting tomorrow, Emmett had two on Friday, then some next week. The whole finals thing suddenly made me feel not so jealous about them going to school. All that stress all in one week would probably kill me.

After dinner, Emmett snuck away to the living room. I followed, finding him flipping through channels with the volume turned down low. I plopped down next to him, trying to gauge the situation before anything was said. I couldn't decide if I should be uncomfortable or not. I mean, I thought it would be, but as far as I could tell, everything was the same.

"Emmett?" Esme asked in a tone clearly warning him of her disapproval.

"Mom, come on. I've been studying all day. I just need a little break."

"Fine, but I don't want you up late."

He promised and Esme left us again. Emmett looked at me pointedly, as if to say, _can you believe her? _

I grinned, finding their relationship kind of cute. It still stung a little, but it was getting easier to see the parents interacting with their kids and not think about the lack of relationship I had with mine automatically. Most of the time, I forgot they weren't actually related. The only thing I could tell that was different than a regular relationship was the fact that Emmett called them Esme and Carlisle sometimes.

"Why do you call her Esme sometimes and not Mom?" I wasn't sure if I was overstepping my boundaries with such a personal question, but somehow it felt okay. Emmett was obviously comfortable telling me things, I guess it was okay to ask. I was curious, Alice always called them Mom and Dad. What was different?

Emmett grinned a little, thinking.

"I don't know, really. I guess it just comes naturally. She is my Mom, really, but it's not like I don't remember my birth Mom. When I first came here, it was weird for me. They said I could call them either one, but I always said Esme and Carlisle. It took years for me to say Mom. It just slipped out one day. She doesn't care which one I say. She knows I think of her as a Mom."

It was too late for me, I knew that. I could never think of her as replacement for my Mom. I doubt she expected me to.

"Alice, on the other hand, she said Mom on day one, I think." He laughed a little at that, grinning at the memory. "She doesn't really remember her other parents that well though, so I guess it was comforting to her."

"She doesn't?"

"No, they were in a car accident. She lost a good chuck of her memory. Esme and Carlisle acted like a Mom and Dad, so that's what they were. It was simple for her." He shrugged, as if it really was that simple. I would give everything to be able to start over like that

"Why did they adopt you?" I asked, before realizing how mean that sounded. "I mean, why didn't they have their own kids?" It seemed weird to me that they wouldn't want their own. They were young and had a big house and nice jobs, why wouldn't they want to start their own family?

"Esme can't have kids," Emmett replied. After glancing at the door to the kitchen, he continued in a softer voice, "She got pregnant right after they were married. The baby died and they told her it wasn't safe to try again. She never talks about it, but I always figured it was too hard to see babies, that's why they adopted older kids." He shrugged again, like it was old news.

"It sounds wrong, but it was lucky for us, how it happened. There's a ton of older kids that never get adopted, they stay in the system forever because everybody wants a baby of their own."

I guess how I avoided that wasn't so lucky. It did make me more grateful for the home I was in now. I was still hesitant to believe that I was completely safe, but for the most part, I knew nobody here would hurt me. When I was inside this big, warm house, the only person left to harm me was myself, equipped with the memories James forced upon me.

"Can I ask you something now?" Emmett asked hesitantly, still speaking softly.

"Yeah."

"You didn't tell anyone what I told you, right?" He sounded scared and vulnerable again.

"I didn't say anything."

He nodded, looking down and saying, "Good."

"Who would I tell anyway?" I almost laughed at his concern. It was so unnecessary. "You're the only person I talk to."

A grin spread across his face at that. "I don't know…I just kind of freaked out after I told you. I hadn't planned that and I don't think I was really ready. I'm definitely not ready for anyone else to know."

Thinking about other people having secrets, having things they were scared for others to know, because they might be judged or treated differently, was weirdly comforting for me. It seemed the more I got to know Emmett, the more he was like me. The more problems seemed to be universal, the less I felt like the world had dumped all the bad stuff on me. It still didn't seem like it was equally spread in the slightest, but maybe it wasn't completely focused on screwing me over.

Thursday, January 6th

I had a bad dream that night. Like a really bad dream. Not that it was unusual for me to dream about James, but it wasn't usually so…vivid. I could hear his voice ringing in my ears when I woke up. I was shaking, I could remember his smell and the feel of him.

I hated it.

My brain was so random. Sometimes, I would think about James all day, and nothing. Not a single subconscious thought about him in my sleep. But whatever made today's talking about him different, it sure did the trick.

It was almost six when I woke up, sweaty and freaked out. So instead of trying to get back to sleep, I got up and took a shower. After getting dressed, I went downstairs, figuring there was still time before everyone else came down for breakfast.

I was wrong, of course.

Emmett was already downstairs, but he wasn't dressed or ready for school. He was eating a bowl of cereal and he didn't look surprised at all when I poured myself a bowl and joined him, sitting across from him at the table.

"You're up early," I noted. Emmett usually slept until the last possible second.

He smirked in a humorless way, keeping his eyes on his bowl.

"Yeah, I couldn't sleep."

Something in the way he said it made me nervous. I didn't respond. We were silent for another minute or so before he confirmed my worst fears.

"Are you alright?"

"What do you mean? I'm fine."

"I…I heard you." He was hesitant, almost whispering.

I froze for a few seconds, wracking my brain, trying to remember making any noise in my sleep. A few times I had done that at James's house, and I had learned my lesson. I didn't think I did that anymore.

"Heard _what_?" My voice was hard and defensive and probably the closest thing to angry Emmett had ever heard from me. The surprised look on his face said enough. But I wasn't angry with him, I was angry with myself for being so weak. I shouldn't even have these fucking dreams, now he knew about them.

He looked a little scared, and completely unsure of what to do or say next. I felt a little guilty.

"Sorry," I muttered, taking it back. It wasn't his fault. I was just embarrassed. "What did I say?" I asked as calmly as I could. So many bad scenarios went through my mind. The best of which included just moaning or the like, the worst of which included crying or talking to myself like a crazy person.

He pushed some cereal around his bowl. Neither one of us were eating now.

Shrugging, he admitted, "Nothing really. I couldn't hear what you were saying." Relief shot through me. I could have said something…bad. And very revealing. "But it didn't exactly sound like you were having a good time."

I snorted in half amused, half exasperated disbelief. "I wonder why. I don't exactly have a lot of _nice_ dreams."

"Yeah. I guess not." He looked….sad. It was stupid for him to be upset about it. I wanted him to be normal.

"I'm fine," I repeated, forcing myself to keep eating like it was true.

"Ok," he answered, like he believed me.

He got ready for school after that. I hid in my room and pretended like I was asleep for a few hours so I didn't have to talk to Esme.

I had a piano lesson today, and afterwards I went for a jog down the driveway. I had done it a few more times without Emmett. I found that it was actually a nice way to clear my head. The fresh air was nice. I took another long shower when I got back. I did my best to stay relaxed and in a good mood, to hopefully ward off the nightmares tonight. Dr. Garrison was right. Just because I was falling asleep a little better did not mean the dreams stopped. It was frustrating. But now I had extra reason to want to be rid of them. If Emmett was acknowledging them, I needed to do something about it.

I tried to act as casually as possible around him that evening. Esme made some type of fish for dinner. Everyone was home for once, and I did my best to participate in some of the dinner small talk. I probably only said a few words, but it was a few words more than usual. It was progress.

I suspected that Alice and Emmett were trying to stall before returning to their studying. Carlisle told us some stories from work and Alice gave about every detail she could remember from her algebra test today. It was quite some time after everyone had finished eating that Esme got up and started clearing the table. Carlisle got up with her and carried the big serving bowl to the counter.

"Edward?"

I looked up, surprised by who was talking to me.

Alice was never exactly shy around me, but she rarely made a huge effort to make me talk to her, which I was grateful for and I had a suspicion she knew that. But right now, she had a weird grin on her face that told me she had something planned for me.

"Y-yeah?"

Instead of answering, she stood up. Walked around behind me. Rolled her eyes when I turned my neck to follow her movements. She reached out towards my head and I flinched out of the way a bit, confused.

"Oh, just relax," she said, a tad exasperated. "I was just thinking that maybe you need a little haircut." She reached out again and ignored my flinch, twirling the ends of my long hair in her fingers. "And I know you don't want to go anywhere but I could totally do it for you."

"I, uh, I don't know. It's fine."

"Oh, come on. I'll do it in my bathroom. It'll take ten minutes. I cut my hair all the time. It'll be fun."

"Alice…if Edward said no, don't pester him," Esme warned her.

For some reason her warning bothered me. She just had to jump right in there and come to my rescue. I get that she's only trying to be nice, but it was a little insulting. I could fend off Alice by myself after all.

"What do you say, Edward?" Alice asked, ignoring Esme.

I glanced at Emmett, who had an eyebrow raised in interest or confusion, I wasn't sure.

"Sure. Thanks."

At that, the other eyebrow raised up, clearly in surprise this time.

"Great! Let's go."

I started to get up from my chair and immediately Emmett did the same.

"This I gotta see."

"No, no, no, Edward will be okay without you for a few minutes, chill out. Besides, don't you have some studying to do or something?" Alice teased him. I wasn't at all sure what to read into all of her words but something was off there for sure.

I followed her up to the room I had only ever glanced in. The bathroom was just as I suspected, pink and full of bottles of who knows what lining the counter. It smelled like flowers or something equally girly and it was a tad overwhelming.

Alice dragged a stool in from her bedroom and instructed me to sit. I did. Then she draped a towel over my shoulders and dug through a drawer for scissors.

"Not too short?" she asked. I nodded, a little afraid of the tiny girl coming at my head with a comb and a sharp instrument. I tried to hold really still and logically tell myself she wasn't going to do anything.

She was quiet for the first few moments, only the sounds of the snip in my ear.

"I just wanted to get out of schoolwork. But I don't mind doing this either, you know?"

"Yeah I figured. But thanks," I added awkwardly. I saw her smile and nod barely in the mirror.

"I know you like to hang out with Emmett more, and that's good, but we can do stuff too, you know? If you ever want to talk to me or whatever."

"Oh…okay." It was getting a little strange now, but she had me pretty well locked in here with the towel and the scissors and all.

"He's probably been brainwashing you about me, huh? He's mad about Jasper."

"No, I mean, not really. At least, he doesn't tell me that anyway…"

She chuckled a little and kept snipping. "He's mad. Trust me. But that's okay. Jasper's worth it."

I didn't know what to say to that, so I didn't.

"That probably sounds so lame. Just something a stupid teenage girl would say. But it's true."

"Yeah?" I asked, just for something to say.

"Yeah. It's like, I've liked him forever, but now that we see each other a lot, I just get it now. Whenever I have a bad day or something, he makes me feel better, you know? And I just miss being around him, all the time. I think about what he's doing all day long. It's completely creepy." She laughed at herself. "Don't you think?"

"No…it's nice, I think."

She hmmed and kept snipping. She was unusually silent for the short minutes it took for her to finish. Then she combed it out and mushed it around with her fingers.

"What do you think?"

It was short but not too short. I still looked like myself.

After I thanked her and helped her clean up, I escaped as soon as possible. After I took my pill and while I waited for sleep to come that night, I thought about her words.

I wasn't sure why it didn't bother me that I completely understood what she was saying. I understood it because I knew someone just like that. I thought about him all the fucking time and I felt better when I was around him. And it scared me completely but at the same time, I was so hopeful and desperate for it to exist. Even if it was completely insane and wrong. I had never admitted it to myself before, but whatever the hell was going on between me and Emmett, I just really needed it to exist.


	22. Chapter 22

Thursday, January 6th

An unfamiliar _beep beep_ accompanied by a rattle coming from my nightstand made me look up from the textbook page I was reading. Confused, I unfolded myself from my desk chair where I had been sitting comfortably and made my way over to where my cell phone was sitting.

I had only used it a few times, but since they had made a point of giving it to me, I at least kept it charged up and on, just in case. Most of the time it just sat plugged in on the table.

Flipping it open, I saw a message telling me there was an unread text from Emmett. Going back to my desk, I got comfortable again before reading what it said.

_Save me. _

Confused, I just looked at the screen for a few seconds, trying to figure out how to respond. I assumed he was making a joke, but didn't really have a clue as to what he was talking about.

_What? _I typed back, for lack of anything better to say.

Almost immediately, the phone beeped and buzzed again.

_Holy shit, you actually answered. _

_Was I not supposed to? _I replied, still a little hesitant. It took me way longer to answer than it did him and I hoped he wouldn't notice.

_I wanted you to, just didn't think you would. What are you doing? _

This time I was faster. _Reading school stuff. What did you need saving from?_

_Math class. So boring. Have 30 more minutes of torture. _

I smiled a bit at his dramatics, but typed out an answer quickly.

_I like math. It can't be that bad. _

_Oh god, you're one of those people. It can be and is that bad. _

I didn't know what to respond after that and once thirty seconds or so had passed with me just staring at my phone, I was starting to panic a little. Luckily, he saved me.

_How did the haircut go, by the way? _

_Fine. It was nice of her. _

_Haha. No, more likely she was trying to get something out of you. Did she ask you a bunch of questions?_

_No. _Why was it so ridiculous if she just wanted to be nice?

A knock on the door forced me to look up from the screen for the first time in several minutes. I shoved the phone under my leg so she wouldn't see what I was doing.

"Yeah?"

Esme popped her head into my room. "I made you some lunch if you're hungry."

"Okay," I said, trying to sound natural but I could feel my face turning red. It was stupid, I wasn't doing anything wrong. I had no reason to be embarrassed.

"Okay…" she scrunched her eyebrows for a second, obviously noticing my red cheeks. "Are you alright?"

"Fine. I'll be down in a minute," I promised.

She seemed to believe me and left, leaving the door cracked.

I sent the previous text, then typed another and sent it quickly.

_Esme just came up here, I have to go eat lunch. _

I sat the phone down and went to grab a sweatshirt, but before I could leave the room, the phone beeped again.

_Just take the phone with you, that's kinda the point haha. _

I thought about it, and yeah, I guess that was a good point, but I didn't really want to answer any questions about it from Esme, and me texting at lunch would not go unnoticed.

_But won't she be mad that you're texting me while you're in class?_

_Oh…I guess that's true. _

And then, _Well enjoy your food while I'm here suffering. I'll see you later._

I couldn't decide how to end it, should I make a joke about his class? Say something about seeing him when he got home? I couldn't make up my mind and I was getting a little anxious about it, so I decided to just pretend like I was already downstairs and didn't see the message. Hopefully he wouldn't think that was weird.

When I got back to my room, I thought about continuing the conversation for about three seconds before I decided I was too nervous about saying something stupid. Or maybe he only wanted to talk to me because he was bored. My stomach was feeling all queasy about the whole thing, so I just put the phone back where I got it and tried to focus on my school stuff for a while. I ended up not being able to focus at all, instead every few minutes I would glance at the phone. Finally, I brought my book downstairs and got comfy on the couch while I did my reading.

Carlisle came home before anyone else, and I thought about escaping to my room when I heard the garage door go up, but decided not to risk getting caught trying to run away. Instead I stayed as still as possible and hoped he would just overlook me. I wished his work schedule didn't change so often, so I would know when to expect him.

"Hello, Edward," he greeted as soon as he walked in. Of course he would see me.

"Hi."

"Having a good afternoon?" he asked as he took his coat off and hung it in the closet.

"Yeah." He smiled and nodded, taking his shoes off. The silence was a bit awkward, and I thought about asking him about work or something, but decided against it. Pointless questions never did me any good.

He went into the kitchen and I relaxed a bit, going back to my book. Before long though he was back, and now he had a newspaper with him. He plopped down on the couch furthest away from me and unfolded his paper, appearing completely engrossed in whatever headline he was reading.

I knew what he was doing. Or I suspected, at least.

While Esme was usually okay with leaving me be and letting me stick to my routine, Carlisle seemed to think a different strategy was better. He often asked me to do different things, like little things such as staying downstairs with them after dinner, or a few times he had offered to take me out driving. I knew they weren't supposed to be a big deal, but we both knew it made me uncomfortable. Right now, he was forcing me to do something I wouldn't normally do. I knew he read the paper in the morning. He usually went up to his office after work. He was doing this because of me.

He was being casual about it, but I suspected he noticed how tense I became when he sat down. I pretended to keep reading, but I had trouble focusing and I had to remind myself to keep turning pages so it wasn't so obvious.

I wanted to leave but couldn't. I was stuck here until someone else came into the room or he left. It was stupid. I was overreacting. But I couldn't help it.

Finally, after what seemed like at least an hour, Emmett and Alice saved me. While Carlisle was distracted asking them about their days and listening to Alice chatter on about her classes, I did my best to sneak out of the room. I knew they all saw me go, but it felt better than staying there would have.

Not ten minutes later, there was another knock on my door but I didn't need to ask who it was. Emmett always tapped out some ridiculously long rhythm on the door, so in knew it was him. I found myself grinning before he even walked in.

I was on my couch, still trying to get the chapters I wanted to read in, seeing as how the rest of my day I had been rather distracted.

Emmett came in, but stayed over by the door.

"Hey," I said, wondering if he wanted something.

"Hey," he nodded back. When he said nothing, I raised my eyebrows, waiting for whatever it was he wanted to say to come out.

"You alright?" he asked, not sounding too serious but still obviously worried about something.

I rolled my eyes and scoffed, "Why do you always think there's something wrong with me?" It was kind of a dumb question, seeing as how there usually was something wrong with me, but I wanted him to think there wasn't.

"You just looked kind of freaked out down there, is all."

"Well I wasn't, I guess that's just…how I look," I lied. He scoffed this time, but in a more humorous was, so I knew he wasn't mad.

"Okay, whatever."

He proceeded to plop down next to me, like _right_ next to me. We were not evenly spread on the couch space at all. I wondered if he did it on purpose, but definitely wasn't bothered by it.

"Whatcha readin'?"

I flipped the book over and held it out so he could see it. His hand grabbed my wrist and tilted the book towards him more. When he let go, my wrist was burning.

"Ew. Boring."

I shrugged, laying the heavy book back down on my lap with a thump.

"So what have you been doing all day?"

He was sitting really close to me, and when I turned my head towards him to answer, I inhaled sharply, getting ready to answer him. I stopped abruptly, and snapped my mouth shut. He smelled really good. Like…I guess I had smelled him before but for some reason, it was all I could focus on right then. I took a few more breathes before I realized I was being weird.

"Um…" I shook my head. Emmett laughed a little, looking confused. "Nothing really, I guess."

"Mhmm...so why didn't you text me if you weren't doing anything?"

"I did."

"Yeah, but you stopped. I texted you from English too," he chuckled a little.

"You did?" I got up, dropping the book on the floor. I grabbed my phone and looked at my messages.

_How was lunch?_

"Oh. It was good."

He laughed this time, and I avoided his eyes by sitting back down, looking down at my lap.

"It's okay, I wasn't really that interested in your lunch."

"Then why did you ask?"

I felt him shrug, realizing I had sat really close to him too.

"I just wanted to talk to you. I like talking to you."

I glanced at his face, he was smiling. He seemed so happy, carefree. I wished I could feel like that. It wasn't like I was uncomfortable with him being here, in fact I was glad he came in here. But I felt a little nauseous. Nervous for some reason I couldn't quite pin down.

"Oh." I nodded, looking back at my hands. We were silent for a minute but I could feel him staring at me. My face was red, I just knew it.

"Hey." He nudged my shoulder. "Look at me."

I did. I look at his face, how concerned it looked at first but then it evened out into a slight grin when I followed his directions. I glanced at his mouth, saw the way his lips were parted slightly. I inhaled his scent again, just as amazed as the first time at how great he smelled.

"What's wrong? You look like you're going to pass out or something," he joked, but the way his eyebrows scrunched told me he was at least partly serious.

I nodded, but then told him, "I'm fine." I watched his mouth this time when he answered.

"You're lying."

I have no fucking idea what went through my head in the next ten seconds or so, because what I did clearly qualified me for some type of psychiatric hospital. It was literally insane.

The way he moved his lips, the way they moved over his teeth, the way I could see his tongue flick against the back of them, it made me do it. He was too close. Smelled way too good. I couldn't stop myself. I wanted to too much.

I don't remember leaning forward, or if I shut my eyes or even kept breathing, but I do remember my lips pressing against his. It probably lasted about two seconds, but so many things happened. I tasted the same thing I had smelled before, and it was incredible. His lips were soft and seemed to fit with mine in a way I didn't know was possible. He didn't exactly kiss me back, but then again I didn't really give him time. In fact, I don't even think he knew what was going on. He hadn't moved anything but his lips just slightly in reaction to mine, but it felt like a reflex.

It only lasted the amount of time it took for the signal to get to my brain from my lips that I was doing something this insanely stupid. Just as suddenly as it started, it stopped and I ripped myself from the couch, threw myself into the bathroom and slammed the door, locking it on instinct.

My mind was literally blank. I could think nothing, do nothing, I don't even think I was seeing anything. The first thing that eventually popped into my brain was vomit. And vomit I did. I was grateful to have something so unpleasant to distract my brain, but I could never get what I just did out. I'm pretty sure it will be there forever.

The adrenaline was still racing through me. I laid down on the tile floor and pressed my face on the cold surface, trying to stop the spinning. I realized my phone was still in my hand. I released it immediately, shoving it far away from me, feeling betrayed by the device.

How would I ever be able to leave this bathroom?

That's what I thought for a good minute straight, before the only thing that could make this worse happened.

"Edward." It wasn't a question, he simply just said my name. He sounded a little sick too, and why wouldn't he? I probably just disgusted him to no end. I squeezed my eyes shut, wishing it would all just go away.

It would literally be impossible for my mouth to make any noise even if I wanted to, so instead I held my hands over my ears, trying to block out the world.

"Edward, it's okay. I swear. I-" he stopped, sounding overwhelmed. I could still hear loud and clear, so I pressed harder.

"Okay. I don't know what's fucking happening and I'm just as confused as you are, but its fine and I'm not mad and you shouldn't be upset about this. It's okay." He was rambling. He sounded freaked out.

"Dude, I can't just fucking leave you when you're like this. You need to say something." Like hell I was saying anything right now.

He waited for another few minutes, if he was saying anything I couldn't hear him.

"I'm going to assume you would murder me if I went and got Mom right now, but seriously I have to do something. I can't leave you panicking like this. So, either say something and tell me what to do or I'm going to go get her. I…I won't tell her anything, of course not. You can tell her whatever you want."

I swallowed hard. I couldn't see Esme right now. I was fully freaking the fuck out and she would probably get Carlisle and that would be bad. I had to stop that.

"Just go. Please." I barely choked it out, I'm sure he could tell I was crying, but it didn't matter. I could never make this worse.

He didn't answer for a while. When he did, I was relieved.

"Fine. But please try to calm down. It's going to be okay, I swear."

He finally left the room, not without promising he would be back in a while.

I was curled into a little ball on the floor, my arms tugging tightly against my ribcage, keeping me from flying apart. I pressed my face into the ground as hard as I could. I wanted to get sucked into it.

I had no idea what came over me. What was I thinking? I was obviously insane. That was all there was to it. No other possible explanation.

My heart was beating really fast and my stomach was all fluttery and I felt surprisingly dizzy for being on the ground.

Some time passed, I don't know how long, while I did my best to focus on not thinking.

_Beep beep. _My eyes flew open in time to see the phone vibrate on the tile a little before it was still again.

Emmett. Of course he couldn't just leave it alone. There was no way he was going to let me forget about this and pretend it never happened. He already wanted to talk about it or something, and I just couldn't. I didn't look at the phone, didn't even think about picking it up. It beeped and buzzed several more times, every few minutes.

Finally, when I was starting to get stiff and cold from the tile, I convinced myself to move. No doubt Esme would be up here soon enough, either because she was coming to get me for dinner or because my lack of response would make Emmett alert her to my freak out. I had to do my best and convince her I was okay, or at least close to okay.

I was dizzy and shaking, but I made it up and over to the door. Putting my ear close to the crack, I listened for any signs that Emmett was still there.

Silence.

Slowly, I pulled the door open and looked out. My bedroom door was shut, which made me feel like shit for some reason. Emmett was still being nice, even when I was acting all crazy. He knew I would want privacy.

I grabbed the blanket from the end of the bed, wrapped it tight around me and curled up into a ball again on the bed. I felt better like this. I just wanted to go to sleep and never have to think ever again.

The phone beeped two more times, then, predictably, I heard Emmett go downstairs, then Esme come back up, I thought alone. Before I figured out my strategy, she was in my room.

"Sweetie, what's the matter?"

My entire body was secured under the blanket, so she couldn't see when I rolled my eyes, which was good. At least it seemed Emmett didn't tell her what happened. He was probably embarrassed too, which would work to my favor.

When I didn't answer, she sighed and I felt her sit on the edge of my bed.

"Emmett said you were upset, but wouldn't tell me why. Did you guys have a fight or something?"

After a minute, I decided it was best to give her something to work with, or else this would never be over. I shook my head.

She sounded slightly amused when she reached up and pulled the blanket down over my face. "I can't tell what that means from under there."

I shook my head again, avoiding her eyes at all costs.

"Ok, why are you upset?"

I shook my head again, deflecting her question.

"I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong. Are you anxious about something?"

I shrugged instead this time, giving her something to go on.

"Did something happen?"

"I don't want to talk about it," I mumbled out. There was literally nothing she could ever say to make me admit what I had just done.

She sighed again, obviously unhappy. "Alright. That's okay. Will you come down for dinner? Getting out of this room for a bit might help."

"I just want to be by myself for a while."

My face was red, she could probably tell I had been crying, I was curled in a little ball like a child, my voice was shaking, and I couldn't even bring myself to look at her. But what I told her was the truth and she miraculously accepted it.

"Maybe it would be good if you took one of your pills, if you're feeling anxious."

After swallowing to clear my throat, I lied to her again. "I already did."

Her extended pause told me how surprised she was by that.

"Alright. Can I bring you up some dinner?"

Her kindness made me want to cry again, so I squeezed my eyes shut.

"No, I don't feel very good. I don't think I want to eat. Thanks though."

I thought she was leaving, but she must have been taking a good look around. I heard her pick up the book from the ground and set it on the desk with a heavy thud.

"Why is your phone on the bathroom floor?" she asked, sounding quite perplexed.

My eyes flew open, hoping she wouldn't open it and see the dozen or so texts I was sure Emmett sent me.

"Um…I must have dropped it. Sorry."

"I'll just put it here, okay?" She set it down on the nightstand where it usually was, without even opening it. "Feel better, alright?"

And she was finally gone. It could have been worse.

I laid there in misery for a long time, barely moving, hoping if I stayed still enough I could stop existing. Eventually I fell asleep, only waking when my back got too stiff and I needed to roll over.

When I did, I saw the phone. It was dark in the room now, and a tiny little green light was flashing, telling me I had messages to attend to.

I couldn't go back to sleep. The phone was basically glaring at me, and I couldn't stop thinking about it.

Angrily, I grabbed it, flipping it open and roughly pressing buttons until the messages were in front of me. I quickly scrolled to the one where he asked me about lunch so I could read them in order.

The first one only said_, Edward, its okay._

And then, _I know you're freaking out but just relax. This isn't a big deal. _

_I'm not mad, if that's what you're thinking. _

_This shit happens, it's alright. _

_We can talk about this. It'll be okay. _

_Or we don't have to talk about it if you don't want, just please respond. You don't have to say anything, just send me something so I know you're okay. _

_It would be really helpful to know if you're reading these or if I'm talking to myself. _

_Dude, for real you shouldn't be upset about this. Whatever you're thinking, it's not the end of the world and it's sure not worth getting so upset you puke over it. Just calm down. _

_Please, please answer me. _

_You've been in there for a long time, I have to get mom soon. Just tell me you're okay and I won't. _

_Edward I don't want you to be mad at me, but I can't leave you in there forever if you're this upset. _

_Ten more minutes and I'm going to go get her. _

It was actually twenty two minutes later when he finally sent, _Sorry man, I had to. I didn't tell her anything though, I swear. _

The last one he sent was,_ Look, I'm sorry if I caused this and you're upset about it. If you want to talk, text me. Whatever time it is. Or come over here and we can figure this shit out, okay? I'll leave you alone. _

Groaning, I snapped it shut and rolled over, shoving the dreaded phone under the pillow.

I felt like I had a bit of a clearer head about all this now, and it definitely wasn't helping. What could have possibly been going on in my mind to make me think _kissing_ Emmett was okay was completely beyond me. I had never kissed anyone, never even considered doing it, and now, out of some crazed, impulsive act, I had done it, probably ruining any type of friendship I had going on with Emmett. I never wanted to look at him again. I would forever be mortified, and there was nothing anyone could do to change that. Ever.

I replayed the moment over and over in my head, trying to make some sense of it. It got worse every time.

The things Emmett must be thinking right now…. He was so nice in the texts, he obviously was just worried about me. He thought I was crazy and going to hurt myself or something probably, and didn't want to be blamed for it even in a roundabout way. Not that _he_ actually had anything to worry about. He didn't do anything. I had no idea what he was talking about in the last text.

Really the only thing for me to do was to claim some sort of momentary insanity. I would have to apologize and promise I would never do anything like that ever again, then beg him to forget about it and not tell a soul.

I wanted to throw up again at just the idea of speaking to him.

Friday, January 7th

It was almost two in the morning, but there was no way I could get to sleep on my own. I crawled out of bed and went to the bathroom to get one of the pills I was supposed to have already taken. I did it without the lights because I was going to avoid my face in the mirror at all costs.

It wasn't the first night I spent lying awake with the torture of my own thoughts, and I'm sure it wouldn't be the last. Eventually I did fall asleep, and when I woke up, the clock said it was 9:20. I was shocked Esme let me sleep that long without checking on me, but then again maybe she had and I slept through it.

Heaving myself out of bed, I planned on heading towards the bathroom. Something stopped me in my tracks.

A folded piece of white paper lay by my door, obviously having been shoved under the crack at some point during the night. I was slightly terrified to pick it up, but at the same time, the curiosity would never let me leave it alone. With shaking hands, I opened it and read Emmett's words.

_Edward, _

_ I feel stupid writing you a letter. Especially because you're like 20 feet away from me right now. But I get it if you don't want to talk to me. I hope you actually read this though, because there's a lot of shit that's gone unsaid, at least on my end, and obviously that needs to stop. I don't want to make any assumptions, but you never tell me anything and it's hard to know where your head is at. _

_ First of all, when I told you I was gay, it was for pretty selfish reasons. I mean, it does feel a lot better knowing that someone else knows, but that wasn't the only reason I did it. I like you, Edward. That might be a mistake telling you that, but I have to. You were the reason I broke up with Rose, you're the one who made me figure out I was gay, you're the one who made me be honest with myself. I have to admit that, yeah, I've spent a good amount of my time recently wishing and hoping you would feel the same, but I know that's not a realistic possibility. Or at least I was pretty sure it wasn't. What are the chances of us getting put together like that? So, with what happened yesterday, if you feel the same way about me, then fine. But if you don't, and I've just confused you with how I've acted around you, I want you to know how sorry I am. I might have been too forward or something and made you think that was how you were supposed to react. You don't have to be like that. I mean, I figured you liked girls. It's okay if we're friends. I can do that if that's what you want. I just want you to tell me what you want, and that's what we'll do. I don't want to make you uncomfortable around me. If you want me to leave you alone, I will. Just tell me. _

_ I won't tell anyone what happened. Just know that I'm not mad, actually pretty far from it, and I won't be upset with whatever decision you come to. I'll be home after school, but I'm going to leave you alone unless you tell me you want to talk. Sorry for all the messages last night. I was freaking out. Also, if you could like destroy this after you read it, that's probably a good idea. It would be quite a surprise for Mom to find this. _

_- Emmett_

Apart from wanting to puke again, I wanted nothing more than to sit and put my head between my knees. I was very dizzy, very confused, and very not ready for any of this to be in my life.

Emmett said he liked me. I knew he was gay, but I had never considered that he would ever think about me like that. Or anyone for that matter. It just didn't make a lot of sense.

But apparently it happened anyway. I don't think he'd lie about something like that. The question, apparently, was what I wanted to do about it.

Asides from the obvious mental lapse yesterday, I don't think I had ever really thought about Emmett like that, I didn't know I was supposed to. But I hadn't ever thought about girls like that either, like he suggested maybe I was supposed to. I guess that's what a normal teenager was supposed to be thinking about. I don't know. I didn't know about any of this.

But it made sense. I was more comfortable around him than other people. Even when he sat really close to me, or touched my arm, or asked me personal stuff, I was okay with it all. Even sort of liked it at times, I think. Did that mean I was gay too? It did seem unlikely, like he said, that things would work out in such a way, given my past. But it was obvious that something was happening.

My head hurt, I was hungry, and I wanted a shower. I wanted to clear my brain of all of this for a little while, so that's what I tried to do.

After cleaning up and putting decent clothes on again, I headed downstairs to deal with Esme. She didn't make a big deal about things, just asked if I was feeling better. Emmett must have down played the whole thing pretty well.

It felt better being in the room with her, instead of being alone. She distracted me a little bit, and it was a nice break. She insisted that I take the day off from school work, which I readily agreed to. Usually something useful to do with my mind would be a welcome break, but today I didn't think it would be enough.

I spent the morning hanging out in the living room, watching some stupid TV shows and fluctuating between complete horror at the thought of what I had done, what Emmett said, and the conversation that was sure to follow and a more passive acceptance of the whole situation. After all, this was my life and nothing ever seemed to be easy.

When the time rolled around for my therapy session, I wasn't dreading it as much as usual, for two reasons. The distraction, and it gave me a legitimate excuse to not be where Emmett was when he got home.

Dr. Garrison didn't seem to have anything in particular to talk about today. She asked about my school, how I was sleeping, if I liked taking the pills, that kind of stuff. She wanted me to start thinking about getting out of the house more, she seemed to think meeting new people would be good for me. I didn't see much point.

She asked me about my anxiety levels, if I was having any panic attacks, that sort of thing. I assumed Esme had talked to her, but she didn't make it really obvious so I couldn't be sure.

She spent a good bit of time reminding me that I should be around people more often than not. Apparently it wasn't good to be alone most of the time, even if I was most comfortable that way.

She ended the whole thing a few minutes earlier than usual and there was a weird vibe about it. I couldn't help but feel like this was the calm before the storm.

Then I reminded myself what was waiting for me to deal with down the hall, and decided I should be grateful.

Once I was alone again, safe in my room, I sat down at my desk and pulled out the letter Emmett wrote me. I didn't want to read it again, but I needed to do something about this. My anxiety was spiking just thinking about it, and I didn't think I could go indefinitely without dealing with it, in some way at least.

My hands were shaking, but I got a pen out and pressed it to the blank part that was folded over.

_Open your door if you want to talk. _

It was stupid, I could have just gone over there and knocked, but I felt the need for him to initiate the whole thing. As silently as I could, I walked over to his door, took in a shaky breath, and slid the note in as far as I could. Then I raced back to my room, left the door open and stood as far away from it as I could, while keeping his door in my line of sight. I was scared, but I wanted it to be over.

It took longer than I thought it would. Over a minute, at least. But finally, slowly, Emmett opened his door. I could feel him watching me, but I looked at my feet.

When I heard him moving, I looked up, scared that he was irritated with my slowness and didn't want to talk about it anymore. But I saw his back doing the same thing I was, going as far away as possible and then turning around to look at me from his spot leaning against the wall. When we made eye contact, he gestured to the room with his hand in a way that clearly said, _come on in._

It took me a while, but he waited and eventually I did move, shutting my door on the way out and slowly crept into his room. I shut his door, then leaned against it, leaving a good bit of space between us.

I looked at him. My face was red, I knew it. But his was a little too. He was unsure of himself as well, which made me feel better. After staring at each other like freaks for a few moments, he swallowed hard and started to slide down the wall until he was sitting on the floor. I did the same, leaning against the door. I felt dizzy again, so I pressed my palms to the floor trying to steady myself, bracing myself for what was to come.

EmPOV

He looked fucking terrified, but he was here. He was willing to talk about this, which I found incredible. So I had to say something. Thing is, I had no idea what the right thing to say was.

"So….um…," was all I could come up with.

He thankfully grinned a little, nodding in agreement.

"Yeah. Um."

Hearing his voice kick started something inside of me. If I wanted this to happen, it had to be now.

"Listen. I don't want either of us to be on the wrong page, you know?" This conversation could go many different ways, we needed to make sure it was the right one.

"I know."

"So we should probably figure out what is going on. You read the letter I take it…so you know how I feel."

He nodded, looking a little uncomfortable but mostly just like he was thinking really hard about all this.

"Why'd you do it?" I had to know.

He shook his head. "I don't know."

"You have to know. There's got to be a reason," I insisted. I needed a reason to work with.

He took a long time answering. He pulled his knees up and rested his chin on one, thinking.

"You smelled really good," he mumbled with a shrug.

It wasn't the answer I was expecting, but it was a welcome surprise. I was blushing now, but I'm sure he couldn't mistake the smile on my face for anything other than relief.

"So I didn't somehow coerce you into doing it?"

He shook his head. "I didn't have any idea about…any of that."

My thoughts ran pretty wild last night, thinking I had been too obvious and inadvertently pressured into feeling like I expected that kind of relationship. Like he was supposed to kiss me or I would be mad at him. It was kind of stupid, but I was paranoid about hurting him and when he was so upset afterwards, I assumed the worst. "Good."

As soon as I said it, his eyes were back on mine, looking angry.

"Good? None of this is good. This can't fucking happen. Just think about it for one second."

I _had_ been thinking about it, all night. Obviously there were some issues with the situation, probably more than he realized, but it didn't matter.

"What do you mean? It's not like we have to tell anyone."

"What would happen if your parents found out? It's literally insane. I can't do any of this."

I didn't really understand why he was so opposed to this. We could hide this from my parents. People did stuff like this all the time. We were teenagers after all, we were supposed to break rules.

"You can do whatever you want, Edward. If you think this will make you happy, then you should do it." Not that he really said this would make him happy, but I hoped to god by him not denying everything or pretending like it didn't happen, he was admitting that he liked me too.

"No. _You_ can do whatever you want. But it's different for me." He shook his head in frustration, then planted his forehead on his knee so he wouldn't have to look at me.

We were quiet for a minute. It was true, everything was different for him, but that shouldn't matter, not with this. I mean, this wasn't a normal situation for anyone to be in. Ignore his history, two guys living together and figuring out they had a _thing_ happening between them was so farfetched and unlikely, anybody would have issues with it. But it apparently was happening, and it wasn't fair that he would have to try to ignore it, just because he was himself.

"It doesn't have to be different."

He didn't answer. He obviously wasn't convinced.

"Look at me."

It took him a long time, and when he did it was with an irritated eye roll, but I finally had his attention.

"Do you like me?" His face went red almost immediately, but he didn't say anything. "I mean, do you like me for other reasons than my apparently incredible fragrance? Or is that my only good quality?"

I got a bit of a grin out of him with that, but still no answer.

"If you don't, like I said, it's okay. A bit of a blow to my ego, but maybe I-"

"I've just never done this before. I don't really know what I'm thinking." He looked down again, as if ashamed of what he was telling me. "I mean…I like being around you. I think about you all the fucking time. I've never even considered doing something like…_that_ with anybody. I know I don't meet a lot of people, but I'm pretty sure even if I knew a hundred people I wouldn't be as comfortable around them as I am you. You should scare me. I don't understand why you don't. I don't know what to think about anything with you involved, but…" he shook his head, not knowing where to go.

"But you came over here. You didn't ignore me, like I said you could. So that's got to mean something, right?"

He nodded. "I think so. Or it could mean I'm just crazy."

"I don't think you're crazy."

"Well maybe because you're crazy too."

"Then I guess its fine, because if we're both crazy then it's like neither of us are."

He looked at me like I literally was crazy. I shrugged.

After another period of silence, he finally asked, "Well what are we supposed to do now?"

"Whatever we feel like doing, I guess."

"I kind of feel like throwing up, to be honest."

"Don't joke about shit like that."

"I'm not joking."

"Well, if this is going to stress you out so much that you make yourself sick, that's not good either."

He sighed, obviously regretting that he brought it up. "You usually make me feel better. You know…except for when I'm trying to kiss you."

I chuckled before assuring him, "It shocked the hell out of me, but I didn't exactly fight it."

He shook his head and hid it behind his knees again, embarrassed.

Just as I opened my mouth to reassure him, we both heard the definite sound of someone coming up the stairs. Edward's head snapped up, his eyes going wide like he was trapped and about to be in a bunch of trouble.

There was a knock, but not on my door.

Edward jumped up, looking terrified.

"Edward?" Esme asked, sounding extra muffled from her spot on the other side of the hall.

Edward looked like he was about to jump out my window or something, so I took pity on him and dealt with the situation before that could happen. I grabbed the TV remote, flipping it to a random channel, then as quietly as possible went and grabbed Edward by the arm, making him move away from the door and sit on the end of my bed. I don't think he was breathing anymore. He was stiff and his face was red.

"Its fine, just act normal."

Esme knocked again, sounding worried. I went for my door and Edward reached out for me, sputtering and shaking his head, like there was a better plan available.

"Calm down," I mouthed to him before opening my door to face my mother.

"He's over here, Mom."

She looked back at me, her hand ready to knock again, but stopped, looking completely perplexed.

"He's what?"

"We're just watching some TV."

"Edward?"

I laughed as convincingly as I could, adding, "Yeah, Edward. Who else would I have in my room?"

She took a few large steps over to my room, brushing past me to check on her precious Edward, like I was torturing him in here or something.

Readying myself for the worst, I glanced at Edward, expecting him to be red in the face and looking completely lost and frantic.

"Is everything okay?" Mom asked him. Holding my breath, I hoped he would play this off casually. We didn't need to attract attention already.

It took him a few seconds too long, but eventually he made his mouth open and he sounded pretty convincing when he told her, "I'm fine. Just watching some…" he glanced at the screen. Unfortunately, it was currently showing a toothpaste commercial, so he awkwardly finished his sentence with, "um…TV."

"Yeah…" she didn't sound completely convinced but with Edward, you never knew what was up. She would never suspect what we really had been doing. It was fine.

"Okay. Well I just came up to let you guys know we were thinking about going out to dinner tonight. Maybe driving up to Port Angeles. A little end of exams celebration."

"Cool. What time?" I asked, trying to direct attention off of Edward.

Esme looked suspiciously at me, like I was doing something wrong, and I did my best to look innocent.

"Maybe about an hour."

"Okay."

She looked at Edward. He nodded.

"Okay…you're going to stay in here, Edward?" He nodded again.

Finally, she left us alone again. I left the door open, knowing she would think it odd for me to shut it. We waited until she was safety downstairs before speaking.

"That could have gone worse," I pointed out.

He gave me an exasperated look, clearly disagreeing, before burying his face in his hands.

I chuckled at how dramatic he was being, trying to lighten the mood. "Hey, at least we get free dinner out of it?"

He groaned, which confused me.

"They're doing that because of me."

"What do you mean?"

"They want me to leave the house more, or meet people, or something." He rolled his eyes, obviously thinking it was stupid.

I didn't think it was stupid. As much as I didn't want to make him uncomfortable, I was starting to wonder if he would ever _want_ to leave the house. We were always offering to take him places, he never showed any interest. The few times Mom or I had managed to coerce him out of the house, he was tense and anxious to get back home as soon as possible. It wasn't normal and I knew Carlisle and Esme worried about it.

I wasn't exactly going to tell Edward any of that though.

"It'll be fun to get out of Forks though," I tried to encourage him. He clearly disagreed but didn't fight me on it and I realized it was probably a good thing Mom had asked him while he was in my room and it being all awkward and stuff. He was more likely to refuse if he was on his own with her.

I knew Carlisle and Esme were careful with bringing Edward around town. Quick trips to the store were one thing but taking him out to diner in town was different. Sitting there for an hour or more with a bunch of local gossips who had all heard the news of the Cullens taking him in would lead to nothing good. It was better to get him out of town where he could be a bit more anonymous. That meant there were less chances to get him out, but it wasn't worth the risk. The friendlier Edward viewed the outside world, the better.

Still, Edward did not look at all thrilled about his new evening plans, and I wanted to cheer him up. I just didn't really know how.

When he didn't comment anymore about dinner, I moved on, trying to distract him.

"So, do you actually want to watch some TV?" I asked, grabbing the remote and starting to look for something good.

It was obvious Edward was uncomfortable now, for whatever reason, and he was done talking to me. I thought we had made a lot of progress tonight, but maybe not as much as I had hoped. I just wish he would talk to me instead of being so silent all the time.

He didn't answer, just shrugged and remained at his perch on the end of my bed.

"Hey, if you don't want to go out tonight, just-"

"I'm gonna go take a shower and get ready," he said, abruptly cutting me off. He was up and out of my room before I could say a word. After he shut my door, almost slamming it because he was in such a hurry all of a sudden, I flopped back on my bed, groaning in frustration.

I think everyone was a bit surprised when Edward actually came down to the living room, dressed in his usual jeans and long sleeves. I for one definitely figured he would come up with some excuse to stay home tonight, but he proved me wrong.

As we all filed into Carlisle's car, Alice sliding in the backseat between me and Edward, there was a subtle tension. Nobody said anything, but it was blatantly obvious that this was a big night for Edward. A night which shouldn't have been a big deal, but was because it was him. Everyone pretended it was a casual occasion. Mom chatted with Alice as Dad pulled onto the highway. I wished I was sitting next to Edward so I could gage his mood. I had a feeling his silent calmness was going to be short lived, the only question was when he would stop accepting everything so easily and start fighting for what he actually wanted. As scared as the idea made me, I hoped he would get there sooner rather than later.


End file.
